Bravo Dyke Reacts to the Vanderpump Rules Midseason Trailer

As far as my gay ass is concerned, the only two appointment television shows for the foreseeable future are Yellowjackets and Vanderpump Rules. The latter released its midseason trailer yesterday, and after dissecting it with multiple group chats, watching it approximately 35 times, and huddling with my fiancé to discuss, I am now here to perform my duties as our resident Bravo Dyke. The midseason trailer is a work of art, full stop, and just a glimpse of the melodrama that’s about to shatter this friend group, who are decidedly not in the best days of their lives atm, despite what the theme song might claim.

A couple weeks ago, I broke down “Scandoval,” the brilliant nickname given to the ongoing affair drama between Tom Sandoval, his longtime partner and bisexual icon Ariana Madix, and Raquel Leviss. Long story short: Sandoval and Raquel have been having an affair. The second this came to light, the cameras were rolling. We’re going to watch this play out in real-time, which is reality gold. The past two episodes of Vanderpump Rules were shot, edited, and finalized before the scandal came out and were not altered after the fact. But moving forward with the season, we’re going to get the affair and its aftermath. The filming crew, producers, and editors have basically reworked whatever was originally going to be the back half of season 10 to now focus on the Scandoval. Give them Emmys, give them Pulitzers, give them Nobel Peace Prizes.

Just take a look at the trailer. As my Bravo Dyke Colleague Christina Tucker puts it: “This is A24.”

Just like the Yellowjackets season two trailer, there is a lot to unpack here! Sure, maybe no one is getting eaten, but we do have Katie Maloney saying she wants to “light the both on fucking fire” (presumably talking about Sandoval and Raquel). I have no doubts she wouldn’t hunt them down, Yellowjackets-style.

We also get a glimpse of who I assume is Katie’s much younger post-divorce actor boy toy. We see Raquel make out with TOM SCHWARTZ, who is the Tom we assumed she’d be getting with this season when really he is a Decoy Tom meant to distract from the indiscretions of Tom Sandoval. It is unclear how long Schwartz knew about the affair between his bestie and Raquel, especially because the cast seems to be under a gag order by production until the season’s over — even Investigative Journalist Andy Cohen hasn’t been able to get many explicit answers out of them on Watch What Happens Live. We also get Ariana swimming naked in a pool, which seems kind of rude for the editors to include when it’s just an innocent moment of fun between her and her gay guy friend. Even though it’s just a quick moment, depicting her as promiscuous or like there was an open relationship when there wasn’t has a whiff of biphobia to it!

We also get some of the first interactions between Ariana and Sandoval immediately following the affair’s surfacing. Sandoval seems to be playing some sort of “we only had sex four times a year” card. You know what you can do when you’re unhappy in a relationship, bud? BREAK UP! But people stay thinking cheating is the easier route.

And now, some pertinent annotations of the Vanderpump Rules midseason trailer, which somehow devolves into Vanderpump Hats.

a white man with brown hair and a mustache wears a black tee and holds a can of diet squirt

you know what I like to drink when my life implodes after bad choices I’ve made? Diet Squirt

Lisa Vanderpump wears a red silk shirt and black blazer and is crying

a dispatch from colleague Christina: “incredible to include a shot of Lisa crying, Mommy is disappointed and y’all better fix it!!!!”

a white man wearing a gray beanie with a mustache and white painted fingernails cries

“I just wish you would compliment my hats more”

a blonde woman yells

“YOUR HATS ARE STUPID”

a white girl with blonde-ish hair wears a white tank and a large beige newsboy cap

“I like my hats like I like my men: secondhand”

a white girl with brown hair cries while wearing a large white bucket hat

“is anyone gonna say something about MY hat?”

a white woman with short brown hair wears a beige silk shirt dress and shouts

“YOUR HAT’S BAD TOO”

With soap operatic flair, the Vanderpump Rules midseason trailer ends with melodramatic music playing under Sandoval asking Ariana if she wants anything and her responding, calmly: “for you to die.” Chills!

Now, can someone please convince other folks on the Autostraddle senior team to start watching the show so I do not feel so alone in our virtual office!!!! I simply need someone to water cooler chat with this about!!!


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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, short stories, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the assistant managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 664 articles for us.

23 Comments

    • ok so here is my overly seriously explanation lololol but basically Raquel and Scheana were comfortable making that joke in that moment because this is before the real affair came out. this was when people just thought Raquel was making out with Tom SCHWARTZ who was technically single but also legally still married to his ex wife so the group was calling her a home wrecker even tho she wasn’t really. but this was before anyone knew she really was having an affair with Tom SANDOVAL. the only person who knows the truth in that moment is Raquel and my guess is she’s able to laugh because of like classic denial/compartmentalization people have during affairs

  1. Tom & Ariana only have sex a couple times a year she’s really a lesbian that doesn’t want to get married or have kids she also cheated on Tom with that hypocrite troll Lala Kent.

    • Yes that’s true! Dislike lala too. When I heard Tom cheated on Ariana alot of times kind of shocking, but I knew he cheated with Miami girl. Now Ariana’s independent but to trust Tom 100 percent no. U have to keep almost one eye open

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