As far as my gay ass is concerned, the only two appointment television shows for the foreseeable future are Yellowjackets and Vanderpump Rules. The latter released its midseason trailer yesterday, and after dissecting it with multiple group chats, watching it approximately 35 times, and huddling with my fiancĂ© to discuss, I am now here to perform my duties as our resident Bravo Dyke. The midseason trailer is a work of art, full stop, and just a glimpse of the melodrama that’s about to shatter this friend group, who are decidedly not in the best days of their lives atm, despite what the theme song might claim.
A couple weeks ago, I broke down “Scandoval,” the brilliant nickname given to the ongoing affair drama between Tom Sandoval, his longtime partner and bisexual icon Ariana Madix, and Raquel Leviss. Long story short: Sandoval and Raquel have been having an affair. The second this came to light, the cameras were rolling. We’re going to watch this play out in real-time, which is reality gold. The past two episodes of Vanderpump Rules were shot, edited, and finalized before the scandal came out and were not altered after the fact. But moving forward with the season, we’re going to get the affair and its aftermath. The filming crew, producers, and editors have basically reworked whatever was originally going to be the back half of season 10 to now focus on the Scandoval. Give them Emmys, give them Pulitzers, give them Nobel Peace Prizes.
Just take a look at the trailer. As my Bravo Dyke Colleague Christina Tucker puts it: “This is A24.”
The #PumpRules midseason trailer is here! pic.twitter.com/flcCTqi8eS
— Queens of Bravo (@queensofbravo) March 20, 2023
Just like the Yellowjackets season two trailer, there is a lot to unpack here! Sure, maybe no one is getting eaten, but we do have Katie Maloney saying she wants to “light the both on fucking fire” (presumably talking about Sandoval and Raquel). I have no doubts she wouldn’t hunt them down, Yellowjackets-style.
We also get a glimpse of who I assume is Katie’s much younger post-divorce actor boy toy. We see Raquel make out with TOM SCHWARTZ, who is the Tom we assumed she’d be getting with this season when really he is a Decoy Tom meant to distract from the indiscretions of Tom Sandoval. It is unclear how long Schwartz knew about the affair between his bestie and Raquel, especially because the cast seems to be under a gag order by production until the season’s over — even Investigative Journalist Andy Cohen hasn’t been able to get many explicit answers out of them on Watch What Happens Live. We also get Ariana swimming naked in a pool, which seems kind of rude for the editors to include when it’s just an innocent moment of fun between her and her gay guy friend. Even though it’s just a quick moment, depicting her as promiscuous or like there was an open relationship when there wasn’t has a whiff of biphobia to it!
We also get some of the first interactions between Ariana and Sandoval immediately following the affair’s surfacing. Sandoval seems to be playing some sort of “we only had sex four times a year” card. You know what you can do when you’re unhappy in a relationship, bud? BREAK UP! But people stay thinking cheating is the easier route.
And now, some pertinent annotations of the Vanderpump Rules midseason trailer, which somehow devolves into Vanderpump Hats.
you know what I like to drink when my life implodes after bad choices I’ve made? Diet Squirt
a dispatch from colleague Christina: “incredible to include a shot of Lisa crying, Mommy is disappointed and y’all better fix it!!!!”
“I just wish you would compliment my hats more”
“YOUR HATS ARE STUPID”
“I like my hats like I like my men: secondhand”
“is anyone gonna say something about MY hat?”
“YOUR HAT’S BAD TOO”
With soap operatic flair, the Vanderpump Rules midseason trailer ends with melodramatic music playing under Sandoval asking Ariana if she wants anything and her responding, calmly: “for you to die.” Chills!
Now, can someone please convince other folks on the Autostraddle senior team to start watching the show so I do not feel so alone in our virtual office!!!! I simply need someone to water cooler chat with this about!!!
this is the content i love to see!!!!!
👒🧢🎩
I’m still firmly on team “WTF is this show?!” but I love the hat content <3 <3 <3
lololol thank you for reading
Oh em gee I love this vpr coverage so dang much. I feel like this season has me on the edge of my seat like the first few seasons did (which imo were reality tv gold.) Thank u for your service.
thank YOU!!! i will make sure to cover important episodes!
I know nothing about the drama WHATSOEVER, should I be getting mad at Raquel laughing at “you’re the new homewrecker”?! Why are we joking at a time like this!
ok so here is my overly seriously explanation lololol but basically Raquel and Scheana were comfortable making that joke in that moment because this is before the real affair came out. this was when people just thought Raquel was making out with Tom SCHWARTZ who was technically single but also legally still married to his ex wife so the group was calling her a home wrecker even tho she wasn’t really. but this was before anyone knew she really was having an affair with Tom SANDOVAL. the only person who knows the truth in that moment is Raquel and my guess is she’s able to laugh because of like classic denial/compartmentalization people have during affairs
Okay thank you very helpful!!!! I just was like huh what a weird choice to include but that makes total sense
yw!!!! yeah the timeline is more bananas than usual and the fact of there being a mini scandal involving one Tom and a major one involving another gets confusing even for a longtime viewer lol!!!
The phrase “do you want anything?” Followed by “I want you to die”? Fucking iconic behavior
CHILLS
TRULY A THRILLING TIME
I CANNOT wait to watch Ariana finally ascend beyond Sandoval even if I wish she didn’t have to suffer through a final round of his BS
yeah like i certainly would not have wished any of this on her but i am excited for her to THRIVE OUTSIDE OF HIS ORBIT.
also hoping we get to see her date women!
Diet Squirt! I’m dead. Thank you.
it was not until my like 7th viewing that i noticed and i was like omg
yellowjackets AND vanderpump?!? truly what a time to be alive. also the hat analysis is just 🤌🏼 lmao thank you for this quality content Kayla!!!
my fiancĂ©’s theory is that people turn to hats in times of crises, and i think she is correct
I would really like you to join one of my plethora of scandoval group chats. The hat montage was what really sold it for me. Amazing content, thank you!
thank YOU!!! i will hopefully be able to deliver more hat content as the season progresses
Tom saying we only had sex 4 times a year, made me
think he was talking about him and Arriana. That’s how I took it anyway.
Tom & Ariana only have sex a couple times a year she’s really a lesbian that doesn’t want to get married or have kids she also cheated on Tom with that hypocrite troll Lala Kent.
Yes that’s true! Dislike lala too. When I heard Tom cheated on Ariana alot of times kind of shocking, but I knew he cheated with Miami girl. Now Ariana’s independent but to trust Tom 100 percent no. U have to keep almost one eye open