Over at Joyless Junction, Bob is on Lorna’s case again because instead of just being 80% sure his wife was carrying another man’s cannoli, he is 99.99% sure. As a result he kicks her out of the house. Come on, Bob. You had such a Mister Rogers vibe last season. You are killing me, man.
and this is what universal health care has done for my teeth how do you think i feel
Vera is fishing where all the soldiers are picking up girls (I’m confused by the logistics of this, but apparently there is a place where the soldiers literally troll for girls? anyway) and finds she’s caught an Italian Stallion. Marco says they should go get ice cream. Oh, Marco. Please don’t put a baby lasagna in Vera.
i don’t want to brag about my cannoli’s quality but you can yelp it and peep the reviews
Gladys just finished the bump and grind with James. Turns out the clap is treatable, my bad. She gives him a quick lesson in bullet construction. It’s sweet because her face is the face of an angel but I still don’t like this dude. Team Kai, y’all.
and now that you understand this bullet let me introduce you to the magic bullet that will be replacing you
They head over to the lesbian commune to say howdy to Betty and Kate, who are in the middle of…skin treatments? Betty continues to be unimpressed with James, makes great faces, etc.
James insults the lesbian commune and Betty is done with his shit. They head out to the beach where James gets tanked and fails to shoot a dummy off a log. This reveals his inner demons about not being able to lead people into battle and feeling inadequate even though his social status was what got him an undeserved position? I don’t…whatever.
jesus gladys stop making jokes about white man tears
Lorna spends the night at the factory re: Bob kicking her out. Marco leaves her a note instructing her to come see him half-naked so they can have a serious discussion. Oh, Marco.
ghostwriter??!?!!? how did you find me?
Kate goes to the trailer where she and father were living to get the last of his money. A cop shows up and tells her that her father has died and he’s looking for information re: the whole death thing. Kate plays it cool and hard. Damn, Lady Vengeance Kate. You are a boss. She heads down to the station to ID the body, cool as a motherfuckin cucumber.
if you’re wondering whether me and my lesbian lover threw my father to his death, you would be incorrect
In the men’s locker room, aka the perfect place to have a really serious life-changing conversation, Marco wants to talk turkey sausage with Lorna. Lorna says she’s going to go away to have the baby and then give it up for adoption. Marco says he wants to raise it in the proper Italian family so it grows to love spaghetti as much as he does. It is difficult to follow this conversation when Marco’s man nipples are showing.
oh yeah they’re rock hard peep the yelp reviews
Kate IDs the body, but not before the cop starts poking holes in her story. I have a really awful feeling about how this plot is going to turn out but am trying to focus on lesbianism to stay happy.
k uh he’s definitely dead umm thanks 4 the ride bbl d00d
Bad news at the factory, where the war is going super bad for the Allies and everyone is freaking about it. While the factory workers join in an impromptu rendition of “God Save Colin Firth”, Lorna starts feeling not so hot.
look i want to go back to the party can you get public safety to drive you home or something
In the other locker room, Betty is begging Kate not to leave, even though Kate insists that it’s the only way she can save them both.
You’ve got a life here, not me. You found a boy.
He’s nothing but a fling!
You deserve to be happy. Why do you want me messing up your life?
The thing is, Kate. The thing is –
The thing is that she still has her L Word DVDs? The thing is that they got sorted into Gryffindor and Hufflepuff? Nope, we all know the thing is that Kate is Betty’s whole life, and if she leaves, she takes her whole heart with her.
But Betty doesn’t get to finish because Lorna busts in and they need to take her to the hospital. Betty begs Kate to come home afterwards. This is my face right now:
Vera has gone fishing for soldiers again, and hooks a goddamned hunk. If this show ends with everything in flames but Vera happy and snug as a bug in a rug, then I will be pleased.
author’s note: i just got his haircut like two hours ago
Ivan comes to visit Betty at the lesbian commune. He really looks like my high school boyfriend, guys. He says some RIDICULOUSLY CORNY LINES that I may or may not recycle at some point, and manages to kiss her. It’s the most awkward kiss I’ve ever seen.
And then, in yet another scene that is equal parts hilarious and heart-breaking, she THANKS HIM and PATS HIM ON THE BACK. This could only be presented in gif form.
credit to hannahorvath@tumblr
Oh, my dear sweet Ivan. Someday this will all make sense, I swear. She will send you a MySpace message apologizing for never wanting to kiss or touch or anything and then tell you she has a girlfriend. And you will block her on AIM but you will come to understand in your own way, I promise.
Meanwhile, Vera is getting super lucky and is apparently a “destroyer” in the sack? Looks like the birth of my “All Aboard the HMS Vera” jokes, congratulations folks.
time to get these “ahoy seaman” jokes out of my system
Now that Joyless Junction has migrated to the hospital, we await the fate of Lorna and Baby Cannoli. Marco shows up, because he is pretty but he is dumb. Bob punches him in the face. I shit you not.
MAKE ANOTHER GLEE JOKE I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD
Unfortunately, much like Marco’s pretty face, Baby Cannoli did not make it through the episode.
Ah, Baby Cannoli, we hardly tasted ye.
Back at the lesbian commune, Kate returneth! Betty is drinking tea with Ivan (v. sensual, good choice guys) and DROPS THE TEA POT when she sees Kate. Subtlety is definitely Betty’s number one skill, let’s face it.
I was out there thinking that I had no family left, but then I realized that I did.
Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just over here sobbing. I also watched this entire scene with R. Kelly playing in my head?
Something happens with James still being whiny and then Gladys takes his picture I DON’T EVEN CARE I refuse to screencap him whining more. Dare I say he is the Finn Hudson of this show? Anyway.
Vera and Gladys do a stride of pride into work the next day. It’s glorious and I love them.
let’s start a girl gang called “empowered slut kittens”
Lorna wakes up to Bob and Sheila taking care of her. Yes, that Bob. Maybe the spirit of Mister Rogers has repossessed him?
GET OUT OF THE EDITING BOOTH RIGHT THIS MINUTE JJ ABRAMS
Sad to see Baby Cannoli go, but when god closes a window, she opens a closet door and tells Betty and Kate to walk on out and start kissing super hard. Thanks, god.
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I somehow missed the other recap for Season 2 Episode 1 and oh my god the cannoli jokes had me tears. Inappropriate oops!baby jokes are awesome. But on a serious note, is this show ever gonna not make me cry? Because really. Betty just needs to run away into the sunset with Kate by the end of this show or Imma be all kinds of mad.
LOVE these :)!
Though I also have a bad feeling about the whole Kate’s Dad thing. I feel like Kate will get done for it but Betty will heroically take the blame or something along the lines?
These recaps are probably some of the best things I’ve ever read. Oh my god I love these. I lost track of how many times I snorted in laughter reading this.
Utterly splendid, as ever, both your recap and the show. Gotta love the captions. RIP baby cannoli, RIP indeed. The teapot fumble may be my favourite moment though. REAL SMOOTH THERE, MCRAE.
For anyone who didn’t see it, the crowning cherry on top of the creamy deliciousness that was Canada’s Most Awkward Kiss Involving A Lesbian has got to be Charlotte Hegele’s live tweet: ‘”I beat you’ve never been properly kissed” … Ah… Sure. We’ll go with that.’ All aboard for voting her the captain of the USS McAndrews?
Also, I feel so utterly vindicated that Betty and I both said ‘thank you’ after our first (and hopefully only) boykiss. I did not realise this was an inappropriate response until it was pointed out to me some years later. Oh well! You live and learn.
Shouldn’t it be the HMS McAndrews, what with it being a Canadian ship?
Nevertheless, I second the vote.
Also Rory says thank you to Dean after their first kiss.
“Somebody slides a note under the door. Is it from Albus Dumbledore, reminding Betty and Kate not to use their lesbian magic outside of class? Is it from Amazon.com, telling them that Sum of her Parts is all sold out?
Nope!”
Right, it´s a message from me that says: “Kate, I love you, you funny fucker! You make me die laughing.”
[email protected]
Kate, you star.
The captions on this recap are legendary. Seriously, great job at making me laugh like a crazy person.
So my wife, who is IN AFGHANISTAN, texted me today to ask how Betty and Kate are doing. she was super disappointed that they didn’t kiss. As was I.
SO MANY FEELS.
God I love Betty. Kate go kiss her!
These recaps are fuckin hilarious. Kate, you have a gift.
That awkward back pat is basically how I react to every single hug
“MAYBE WE COULD STAY IN AND PLAY THAT REAL L WORD DRINKING GAME WHERE WE DO A SHOT EVERY TIME ROMI DOES SOMETHING FUCKING DUMB”
They will die from alcohol poisoning.
i discovered this show 2 days ago, watched all the episodes, ohmahgaw it is like my glee-rebound except with actually good writing.
I love you! Also, this episode came out yesterday, so you are amazing for getting the recap out so soon. Also also I was telling my house mate about the captions in this recap, and she said “Haha, why do you read the recaps to shows you already watch?” And of course I was like, “OMG you don’t understand,” and then proceeded to read her the recap, and afterward she decided that she needed to watch Bomb Girls. I think the logical conclusion is just that all you do is win, Kate.
You forgot pizzelles D:
KATE = NAOMI = LILY LOVELESS’ identical twin
Just awesome Kate! Freaking hilarious! You kick ass. :D
I love Bomb Girls!
My favourite character is Gladys Witham. The lady that plays her should win all the Canadian TV Oscars. I never understood why people like Meryl Streep always win the acting awards because they are always given good lines to say, which I think is cheating. In the first series, Gladys had to mention her worries about “our boys out there” at least 87 times per episode, which she expertly managed with that same pained expression and tremulous voice. This definitely deserves some recognition, if only an intermediate certificate in eye-roll management. I’m looking forward to her going into overemotional hyperdrive imminently, because James seems a literal dead cert and this show doesn’t have a strong line in the unexpected.
It became clear over the course of the first season that the entire show is predicated upon Gladys being so bored of being rich, white and pretty that she is constantly getting into eminently avoidable trouble. I am now convinced that it was in fact her that stirred up the international tensions between the Allies and the OG Axis of Evil that started WW2, just so the war effort would give her something to do. Did you see that glint in her eye when she was explaining the bullet? I hope this is more thoroughly explored in season two and eventually becomes part of the high school history curriculum.
It would be nice if Gladys became a lesbian, because I think she has more chemistry with Betty than Kate, who I irrationally disliked in season 1, although I’m warming up to her new murderous side. I doubt it will happen but Gladys’s flirtation with Kai Lo last time gives me some hope; if her bedfellows progress through minorities in the pattern established by Star Trek captains, it should go white dude -> ethnic dude -> woman, therefore Betty is a shoe-in for season three.
Another awesome thing about the actress that plays Gladys is that she somehow pulls off an awesome Canadian accent despite her real-life accent being completely different!
Yep, Jodi Balfour sounds so completely different in real life with her adorable South African accent. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her accent slip during the show, which is impressive because not every actor can pull that off.
Did you see that you got about the highest praise you can get for your recap? => https://twitter.com/zenfandango/status/289783859703320577 :-)
OH MY SWEET VICTORY MUNITIONS JESUS
LOL! Yeah, well, he trolls the web a lot. He sent me a message via Tumblr once. Totally loving that he’s so involved in the fandom. Btw, Gabe Grey (who replied to Michael’s tweet) plays Dr. Patel, the Indian doctor on the show.
I might have to start watching this show (or at least catch up on it) because of this recap.
ummm… THANK YOU!
I celebrated America’s birthday in 2012 by going drunk bowling. It sounds great but then you have the patriotic idea to take a shot every time someone gets a strike, and somehow you become GOOD at bowling so you’re taking a ton of shots, then your friend decides to get a mixed purple and green Slushie with tequila in it and then you’re sitting in those plastic seats crying because you’re single. And then the place closes.
AMERICA! Does Canada have an independence day? I may have to drunk bowl on that day too in honor of Gladys and Vera’s botched V-day plans.
Also, forever in love with Ali Liebert’s body language as Betty being queer as a three dollar bill. The kiss scene? It was insanity the way she managed to look gay during that. Bravo 5ever.
Canada Day is July 1 :)
Done. I will be drunk on July 1st. AND BOWLING.
I pretty much have no clue what bomb girls is but this was still a riot to read!
It’s back!!!
How do I watch this show that I love???
Somehow the recaps make me love this show even more than I already would have.
KATE
KATE THERE IS A NEW EPISODE
KATE I HAVE LOTS OF FEELINGS I NEED TO DISCUSS
RECAP PLEAAAASE
I love these. They’re like watching each episode all over again with my best friend.