Ah, fall. My favorite season. Crisp air, layered clothing, sweaters (it’s like wearing a hug all day! tm Carlytron), and fall television — the most robust and interesting of all the television seasons! We here at Autostraddle are super excited about fall! So many things are going on! But for now, we’re going to talk about “the teevee,” as Riese likes to call it. So please sit back and relax while we tell you what is worth watching this fall!

Basically, we looked at the shows that were generating a lot of buzz all over the internets and then we tried to find a way to talk about them that would be somehow different from the 385 other Fall TV Previews out there already. We figured the best way to do that was with our sparkling, charming personalities (aside from Tinkerbell, it’s all we’ve got).

So we held a mini roundtable and broke the schedule down to tell you why you might care about these new shows and how we feel about them ourselves. This lunacy was patiently edited by Interns Emily and X, and for that we are eternally grateful (other intern shoutouts go to Lola, Vashti, and Laura! Hey girl hey!). If you loved The Autostraddle L Word Recaps, you will love our chat!

Before we get to the fun stuff, though, we need to get serious for a second. In researching the fall tv schedule, we noticed a few things about the timeslots.

For more on that now, here’s Riese:

THE ANTI-GAY
TELEVISION CONSPIRACY

by Riese

As you know, there’s a worldwide conspiracy against gay people; generally attempting to hold us back from our dreams, steamy makeout sessions and multi-episode arcs. This fall, the conspiracy will explode on a television set near you on Wednesday nights at 9pm. I don’t care how many Moms you have, there aren’t enough Tivos to handle this shit. (Personally, I don’t have any Tivos, so I’m shit out of luck). (I do have two Moms though!)

So networks listen up: if you want to complain that everyone is watching your shows online instead of while broadcast, why don’t you make it a little easier for the gays to gather their gay asses around the nannyf*cking television to bask in your gay glow every night of the week, instead of pitting gays against gays all on the same night.

Family Gays! ABC – The Modern Family 9-9:30 – Forget that tired canned-laughter studio-audienced laugh-tracked tradtional sitcom formula. The Modern Family breaks the half-hour suburban family-centric program mold both conceptually and structurally with a focus on three, rather than one, quirky family units. The gay characters Mitchell & Cameron seem stereotypical at first (they choose to adopt a Vietnamese baby rather than ask a lesbian friend to get pregnant, ’cause “can you imagine how mean a lesbian would be pregnant?”) but early critics say the show will be gay-friendly. IF IT DOESN’T GET ITS ASS KICKED BY GLEE!

High School Gays! FOX – Glee – 9-10 – Forget that tired moralistic heavy-handed soapy high school drama formula. Glee breaks the “Pretty People Make Out, Fight & Do Drugs” mold both conceptually and structurally with a quirky hour-long Musical that focuses on a motley Glee Club of geeks & outcasts (and one hunky football player), spearheaded by the ambitious Spanish teacher forced to face-off with the female cheerleading coach, played by lesbian Jane Lynch. The token gay character, 14-year-old Kurt, seems stereotypical at first (he’s stuffed into a garbage disposal by bullies, mourns his fashionable jacket getting fucked up), but creator Ryan Murphy (Nip/Tuck) promises Kurt will go beyond the stereotypical gay cliche.

Marc Malkin says, “Glee looks like it could be the next gayest show on television. Can’t wait.”

Glamorous Gays! CW – The Beautiful Life – 9-10 – Remember that tired “behind the scenes of fashion model” formula that consistently falls flat on its face and disappoints? They’re gonna do that for a little while. We’ll see how long it lasts! Anyhow, there’ll be lots of hot male models who want to do each other up the butt in this one, so I would potentially check it out were it not for the competition.

Dead Gays! NBC – Law & Order: Special Victims Unit – 9-10 – Honestly this is what I’ll end up watching, b/c my love for Mariska Hargitay and the formulaic cops-and-detective show plot is eternal. I will never, ever, ever, ever get sick of Law & Order. Play it again, Sam, the gays can duke it out in the other room, let’s kill some trannies and rape some children!

Now onto the GIANT TV PREVIEW! I know it seems long, but if you skip over it, you are missing out on some major LOLing opportunities!!

Your commentators for the Fall TV Preview are: Riese, CEO of Ideas and Haver of Feelings; Carlytron, your Televisionary Extraordinaire; Modest Moderator; Robin, Photographer to the Stars; and Laneia and her homosexual life partner Cheryl, a.k.a. SLOGANX/SLOGREENX (formerly of Lesbian Interweb Epicenter Slogan-X) reunited!

And make sure you stick around to the end, where we will announce what shows we will be recapping this season (and something extra special too!).

Get ready, we’re about to blow your MIND.

This is how it started:

Riese: Carly, you have to moderate like you are hosting a panel at the Grace Paley Institute of Media.
Carlytron: I am now wearing my Moderator hat and my Analrapist shoes.
Cheryl: Why isn’t Alex here?
Riese: Alex is redesigning.
Carlytron: Well then this isn’t a triple date! Anyhow, as moderator I would like to begin this evening’s programme! The delegates from Phoenix, New Jersey, and Manhattan are all present. Greetings all, welcome to the most bonkers thing we’ve attempted in a while!

So here’s how this will work! we’ll go show by show, and try to stay on the topic of that show (as best we can as we are prone to tangents and by ‘we’ I mean ‘me’ and I also mean ‘Riese’)

I will announce when we are done with a show and moving on to the next show, and i will start each show with a quick bit of info on each.
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Riese: This is so cute!
Laneia: This is very strategic.
Carlytron: I’m all about strategery.
Laneia: I wish I was wearing a headset.
Robin: :)
Riese: Thundercats!

And now, without further ado…

Autostraddle’s Big Gay Fall 2009 TV Preview!

V

WHEN: Tuesdays at 8pm EST on ABC (Premiering November 3rd)
WHAT: (from ABC’s press release, August 2009) V is a re-imagining of the 1980s miniseries about the world’s first encounter with an alien race. Simultaneously appearing over every major city in the world, the Visitors (or V’s) promote a message of peace. Through their generous offer to share advanced technology, the V’s build a following that may actually hide a more malevolent agenda, one that twists a very deep component of human nature — devotion.
WHY: Because you like sci-fi, because you think Elizabeth Mitchell is awesome (she is!), because you enjoy buzz-worthy serialized dramas, because you think the main alien lady is hottt!
WHERE: Official V Site

Riese: I saw this preview and I thought THIS SHIT IS BANANAS!
Robin: Omg hot short haired sexy aliens… I hate science fiction normally but I’ll make my exceptions.
Carlytron: It’s sci-fi but it’s also about blind faith and mass phenomena.
Cheryl: Omg I think I might be the only one who watched the original show, y’all were like 4-10 years old right?
Carlytron: Yeah I’ve never seen it.
Robin: Nope.
Riese: There was an original show? I have been alive for almost 28 years.
Carlytron: It was a miniseries.
Laneia: I feel like the most this show should be is a miniseries.
Riese: Probs it’ll get canceled after three episodes, which is much like a miniseries. JK! I feel like this show wants to be the “watercooler show.”
Cheryl: Omg but y’all don’t know THE SECRET to the VISITORS!!!
Laneia: They are all on their periods?
Riese: Are they replicants? Is it The Matrix? Is it Neverending Story 4?
Carlytron: Is it Ourchart?
Riese: Wait so was the original a good show?
Cheryl: UMMM no the original show was canceled after one season.
Laneia: I want to watch it b/c of the blind faith angle.
Carlytron: Yeah I am into that angle too.
Riese: You like blind faith? Oh, like The Handmaid’s Tale. Or America, the country.
Laneia: I like watching other ppl have blind faith! That’s why I sit outside churches w/ popcorn!
Cheryl: So did anyone watch Firefly b/c some of the actors are from that show.
Carlytron: And the rest of the actors are from The Nine which I loved.
Riese: It will be either a phenom or a failure. And if it is a phenom I will be skeptical.
Robin: I agree.
Laneia: I say fail.
Carlytron: I think this could burn out fast, people could get tired of it depending on the pacing since it was formerly a miniseries.
Riese: It seems like you have to watch it from the get-go.
Cheryl: My prediction is once the audience knows who “the Visitors” really are they will lose all interest in the show, just like in 1984.
Carlytron: And like how long can they wait to tell us that?
Robin: Yea like what can happen after that?
Laneia: I wish that was your tagline, Cheryl! “JUST LIKE IN 1984.”
Riese: I mean Cheryl is about to tell us already, and it hasn’t even started.
Carlytron: I sorta want Cheryl to spoil it.
Robin: I want to know, I’ll never watch this.
Carlytron: The aliens look like lizards in the preview.
Riese: Tinkerbell likes lizards.
Robin: Tinkerbell you slut!
Cheryl: See Carly got it and I didn’t even have to spoil it.
Carlytron: Wait that’s it? It’s in the GODDAMN PREVIEW TRAILER!
Cheryl: G-A-Y.
Carlytron: They peel of a person’s face and it’s a lizard, at the end of the trailer!!!
Laneia: Heavy-handed editing.
Carlytron: Are you kidding me?! That’s all it is?
Robin: Wow, srsly?
Riese: WHAT?! WAIT A SECOND: LIZARDS?
Laneia: But wait — what KIND of lizards???
Riese: They are lizards?
Laneia: Geckos?
Riese: Lizards of the sea or of the land?
Robin: Leopard geckos?
Laneia: Bearded dragons?
Riese: It’s like MY TEACHER IS AN ALIEN, the classic YA novel!
Cheryl: Oh but wait, they have a mission too.
Carlytron: Are they just on earth to sell us insurance? is that the mission?
Riese: OMG that’s a good one Carly!
Carlytron: I was excited about this show until about two minutes ago.
Riese: Like most things on television, I prefer talking about it to watching it.
Cheryl: Anyone who watched the original (like me) said “why the hell are they re-making THAT SHOW?”
Riese: I wish it was the Natalie Portman movie, V for Vendetta, as a tv series.
Carlytron: Me too.
Cheryl: I’m over it.

NEXT PAGE: Flash Forward, Modern Family, Community, Melrose Place, Glee, Bored to Death…

Flash Forward

WHEN: Thursdays at 8pm EST on ABC (Premiering September 24th)
WHAT: (from ABC’s press release, May 2009) When a mysterious event causes the entire world to black out, humanity is given a glimpse into its near future, and every man, woman and child is forced to come to grips with whether their destinies can be avoided or fulfilled. Adapting award-winning author Robert J. Sawyer’s revolutionary novel, executive producers David S. Goyer (visionary co-writer of “Batman Begins” and “The Dark Knight“) and Brannon Braga (“24,” “Star Trek: Enterprise“) invite you to embark on a journey to answer the question, “if you knew what your future held, what would you do?”
WHY: Because you want to get into a show like Lost without having to sit through 5 years worth of episodes on DVD to understand it all, because you want to know why the hell these people blacked out!!!
WHERE: Official Flash Forward Site

Laneia: What did you seeeee?
Riese: I think six months from now they will all turn out to be lizards.
Robin: I was with another man, and… and… he was a LIZARD!
Riese: … And I was drinking a beer!
Carlytron: I’m pretty sure there was a moment of Nathan Fillion as the OTHER MAN but I could be wrong.
Robin: I think this is a really cool concept but not for a TV SERIES!!!
Laneia: Yes Robin.
Riese: Agreed.
Laneia: A movie would be GRAND.
Riese: How long can this concept last?
Carlytron: I think this is trying to be the new LOST.
Riese: Everyone wants to be the new LOST.
Robin: Its like- maybe one season is interesting, LOST was good for 1.5 seasons.
Laneia: A new Lost out of this shite would KILL ME!
Carlytron: I read that the producers said that by the end of the first season you’ll have a complete story and it’ll go up to the day that they flashed to, basically catching up to the future. [Carlytron’s note: Read a semi-spoilery chat with the producers at Sci Fi Wire]
Riese: Then what happens next?
Carlytron: No idea.
Riese: Hiro goes to Korea!
Laneia: I want to stab this show.
Robin: Then maybe it like, morphs into an entirely different show.
Riese: I want to stab this show in the ear.
Carlytron: I think that, like V, people will be all ‘zzzz’ real fast. The Nine had great potential too, just like this, and they canned it (which hurt me). So final thoughts on Flash Forward, ladies?
Cheryl: Sux.
Carlytron: Like V, will fizzle out.
Robin: Yes.
Laneia: Is the opposite of rewind.
Riese: It’s like Grey’s Anatomy is going to be in six months probs.
Cheryl: Okay but I said this about 24 and it totally took off.
Laneia: This is an interesting point.
Riese: I keep thinking Meredith Grey is in it.
Carlytron: The doctor looks exactly like her, same scrubs and hair.
Carlytron: Between V and Flash Forward, which do you think will do better?
Riese: Flash Forward.
Robin: Flash Forward.
Carlytron: I agree, Flash Forward.
Laneia: Flash Forward.
Cheryl: I’ll go with V just to be different.
Riese: The one without the lizards.

Modern Family

WHEN: Wednesdays at 9pm EST on ABC (Premiering September 23rd)
WHAT: (from ABC’s press release, May 2009) Today’s American families come in all shapes and sizes. Shot from the perspective of an unseen documentary filmmaker, this comedy takes a modern look at the complications that come with being a family in 2009.
WHY: Because it looks hilarious, because one of the families is a couple of GAY DADS, because Al Bundy is in it.
WHERE: Official Modern Family Site

Carlytron: I am so excited about this!
Laneia: LOVE!
Robin: It has universal appeal, it’s totally gonna take off!
Carlytron: One couple is gay men adopting a baby; another is an older fellow and a hot young girl; and the other is a younger straight couple with kids. And the families are all related.
Riese: Ed Bundy
Cheryl: AL BUNDY
Cheryl: Omg Laneia said TED BUNDY
Robin: Gay DADS!!!!!!
Carlytron: <3 gay dads!
Robin: I love gay dads! I love gay moms too! I love gay parents!!
Riese: I have a gay mom and she’s not that funny.
Riese: Also though did anyone else want to laugh more during the preview?
Robin: But Laneia is a gay mom and we loooove her.
Laneia: I hope they don’t disappoint me with this show.
Carlytron: Same here.
Riese: No I think this will be cute & fun.
Laneia: Because I really want to love it.
Carlytron: I really want to love it as well.
Riese: I’m excited about the gay dads, though they seemed a bit stereotypical in the preview.
Carlytron: Yes but pilots always suck.
Riese: It seems Arrested Developent-y, style wise.
Riese: People are really trying to make good shows these days I think, ’cause of the Internet, and how people talk about shows more online if the show is good, so fluff sitcoms aren’t being made as much as they used to be. Sidenote, anyhow.
Carlytron: Yes true.
Laneia: Yes Riese, correct.
Carlytron: Thanks, Internet!
Robin: Thank you, Al Gore.
Carlytron: Al Gore says you’re welcome. He’d be here but he had to go save a whale. So ladies, any final words on this one?
Cheryl: It gets a double plus bonus for two gay dads.
Riese: Hopeful.
Laneia: DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME, ABC!
Robin: It’s going to be like the Obama of TV: full of hope, slow on the uptake.
Laneia: Omg.
Carlytron: Robin, that was GOOD!
Cheryl: Do you think they will overdo the gay dads thing though? We should watch for it.
Carlytron: Yeah, we should be on High Gay Alert for that.
Laneia: HGA.
Carlytron: HGA threat level orange.
Laneia: Level 5.
Carlytron: Threat level midnight.
Cheryl: Roger that command center.
Robin: More like threat level pink glitter.

Community

WHEN: Thursdays at 9:30pm EST on ABC (Premiering September 17th)
WHAT: (from NBC’s press release, May 2009) The student body at Greendale Community College is made up of high-school losers, newly divorced housewives, and old people who want to keep their minds active. Within these not-so-hallowed halls, Community focuses on a band of misfits, at the center of which is a fast-talkin’ lawyer whose degree has been revoked (Joel McHale, “The Soup”), who form a study group and end up learning a lot more about themselves than they do about their course work.
WHY: Because Joel McHale is a Funny Guy and the preview looked pretty funny too, because you’re hoping it will be better than Parks and Recreation.
WHERE: Official Community Site

Carlytron: Community. The only NBC show we will be discussing, as my beloved Parenthood starring Maura Tierney was pushed to spring.
Cheryl: NBC is weaksauce.
Carlytron: It looks genuinely funny, I think, and Joel is likable. And Chevy Chase!
Robin: I actually have to say- this trailer bored me to tears.
Cheryl: Omg loved the trailer when he did the breakfast club quote.
Riese: I couldn’t get through it, I was already bored.
Carlytron: Oooo are we split on this one?
Robin: Obvious jokes. I hate obvious.
Riese: Boring, just like community college.
Laneia: I like this show! So far.
Carlytron: Me too!
Robin: Zzz. Community = Cat Deeley to me.. it’s already dead.
Carlytron: Leave Cat out of this!
Robin: I hate that bitch.
Carlytron: She is a charming lady who has nothing to do with this discussion!
Robin: Opposed!
Riese: I think I might just be impossible to please, I feel like Negative Nancy about every show on television except for Law & Order and True Life.
Robin: It’s OK though Riese, cause TV mostly sucks.
Laneia: True Life: I Hate TV.
Carlytron: True Life: I Need 8 DVRs.
Carlytron: NBC has a pretty weak track record lately w/ comedies, so it will be interesting to see which way this goes.
Cheryl: It will get dropped after like 6 eps.
Riese: True Life: I Hate Everything on Teevee, Including This Show, Isn’t That Meta?
Robin: Although I have realized that a life with Carly means a life with TV so I have to suck it up and learn to love it.
Carlytron: Yes, yes you do.
Riese: I like documentaries.
Robin: So we are split on this show. That’s good. Shows we don’t always think alike… though we are lesbians.
Carlytron: Yes, look at us all defying stereotypes!
Riese: Defying gravity too probs.
Laneia: But CHEVY CHASE!
Cheryl: Really who wants to watch a TV show about a community college? It’s too much like real life, and that just blows.
Laneia: Omg Cheryl! I’m about to go live at a community college.
Riese: Yeah, like parks & rec had trouble ’cause people are like, the job is boring, the end.
Laneia: I was jk btw.

Melrose Place

WHEN: Tuesdays at 9pm EST on the CW (Premiered September 8th)
WHAT: (from the CW’s press release, May 2009) In an elegant Spanish-style apartment building in the trendy Melrose neighborhood of Los Angeles, a diverse group of 20-somethings have formed a close-knit surrogate family.
WHY: Because you are a masochist, because you want to see fake lesbians make out maybe, because you like Ashlee Simpson’s “acting,” because you’ve never watched the original so this won’t offend you in the least.
WHERE: Official Melrose Place Site

Carlytron: OMG MELROSE PLACE!
Riese: Didn’t like the first one, won’t like the second one.
Cheryl: WAIT! I need a beer for this one!!
Carlytron: The ad campaign is RISQUE.
Laneia: MAKE IT STOP!
Robin: I can’t really speak to this because it’s not my thing. This kind of show makes me ill.
Laneia: Carly, please, make them stop.
Riese: I will watch the girl kiss on YouTube so I can write a column about how they misrepresent the bisexuals.
Carlytron: I didn’t watch the original. I will not watch this.
Laneia: Make them stop stop stop!
Riese: I thought the first Melrose Place was so boring, which is weird ’cause I was really into 90210 at the time.
Laneia: It was different in the 90s! Like, it was trashy, but in a different way? But this is just TRASHY!
Riese: Yeah, or maybe it was just original.
Carlytron: I feel like every “teen” thing nowadays is able to cast from a seemingly never ending supply of identical-looking hot young no-names who are in fact not the same people as it turns out.
Cheryl: I watched Melrose gen1.
Robin: I did too!
Riese: Did you like it?
Cheryl: Um Heather Locklear was hot.
Riese: I remember the girls were all into that guy, Andrew Shue or something?
Laneia: It was like reading gratuitous ya novels, right?
Riese: Yeah, totally.
Laneia: But this is GROSS.
Robin: I watched it and pretended to like it cause my friends were all into it.
Riese: 90210 was the first show to do that though, the trashy high school thing. So it was fresh and interesting. Now the genre feels stale. Even though they aren’t in high school on Melrose Place.
Robin: 90210 was mostly innocent though.
Laneia: I feel weird saying that there’s a right way to do trashy, but I think there is.
Riese: There is a right way to do trashy.
Laneia: And this.. is not it.
Robin: Right, its not campy or ironic.
Riese: Yeah, which I think people feel Gossip Girl is.
Laneia: Yes.
Robin: YES!
Riese: Melrose Place has no commentary.
Robin: I love Gossip Girl.
Laneia: Even thought I don’t watch GG
Riese: It is just soap opera, but at night — like, a series of plots that don’t really change your concept of life or make you think, but just provide fodder between sex scenes… which won’t even show real sex.
Cheryl: I think they are trying to get back into the Aaron Spelling thing and tie in old characters from the old Melrose Place.
Carlytron: Yeah it’s like a carbon copy of 90210‘s formula, the remake thing.
Riese: The new 90210 is horrible.
Carlytron: I think they should just give us GG and leave us the hell alone!
Laneia: Do not want!
Cheryl: I mean it was all sex and treachery like resurrecting DALLAS.
Robin: Agreedddd!
Laneia: Yes please leave my 90’s in the 90’s.
Carlytron: OK so verdict: hells no!
Riese: Except I will watch the girl kiss. That’s all. Only to mouth off about it.
Carlytron: And while we’re at it: adding Rumer Willis as a dyke will not make us watch 90210 either.
Riese: It will make me watch those scenes on YouTube.
Robin: Ew.
Laneia: Um, wait. I might watch that.
Carlytron: No thanks.
Riese: I will have to watch it, again, so that I can bitch about it.

Glee

WHEN: Wednesdays at 9pm EST on Fox (Premiering September 9th)
WHAT: (from Fox’s press release, March 2009) Seriously? Ok, fine, I’ll stick with the format: GLEE is an uplifting series with biting humor that features a soundtrack of hit music from past to present. The show follows an optimistic high school teacher, Will Schuester (Matthew Morrison), as he tries to refuel his own passion while reinventing the high school’s glee club and challenging a group of outcasts to realize their star potential.
WHY: If you read Autostraddle regularly then I probably don’t need to explain this to you, but here goes: Because it’s the gayest thing on tv aside from RuPaul’s Drag Race, beacuse it’s super fabulous, because there is singing and dancing, because THE LYNCH CAN DO NO WRONG, because you’re still not entirely sure how this show is on Fox but are glad to live in a world where it exists.
WHERE: Official Glee Site

Carlyton: GLEEEEEE
Robin: YAY!!!!!!!!
Carlytron: What is there to even say about this at this point.
Laneia: Number one feeling?
Riese: I hate children and music.
Robin: We are all so excited about this!
Carlytron: It will change everything for everyone forever.
Cheryl: Nothing to say, it will be awesometown.
Carlytron: It’s like Bring it On meets Popular meets High School Musical, and Jane Lynch can finally get an Emmy!
Robin: This is like my ideal show.
Riese: Alex isn’t excited about it actually.
[UPDATE: Alex has redacted her statement after seeing the pilot (previously she’d only seen one dance/song number clip, not the whole show), and is now excited about it).]
Carlytron: She isn’t?!
Laneia: What!??
Riese: She said she thinks it is going to be too cheesy for her.
Robin: Oh wow.
Laneia: Is that … possible? Too cheesy?
Robin: (I’m listening to Miley Cyrus, I can do cheesy.)
Laneia: ROBIN!
Robin: I know! ::hangs head in shame::
Laneia: What song is it?
Robin: “Party in the USA.”
Laneia: Whatever, I listened to Hilary Duff like she was my little sister.
Riese: I am excited because I think songs & dancing fix everything.
Carlytron: Songs and dancing fix everything. see also: Footloose.
Cheryl: What happens if they pull a MYSOCALLEDLIFE with Glee?
Riese: I worry about that too. although if Jordan had broken into song, and Brian Krakow had danced like no-one’s watching…
Laneia: You always have to worry about that when a show is actually good.
Riese: I know, MSCL scarred me for life. For teevee life, that is. Now I am afraid to love again.
Carlytron: Fox has a bad track record with GOOD SHOWS.
Laneia: Yes.
Carlytron: See also Arrested Development
Riese: Family Guy. American High
Carlytron: Also how is this on Fox? Right?
Laneia: I feel like Fox is the only channel that could have Glee, aside from the CW. But it’s not vapid enough for them
Riese: It’s like Fox is just that straight guy who gives biased news at night for Republicans and is trying to like other things but gets scared. Like they’ll put on something cool & young & interesting for like a minute and then pull out.
Carlytron: It could have gone cable, but I’m glad it’s network. It is getting a huuuuge online push. They are backing it hardcore, they even moved SYTYCD to the fall for Glee, to support it. So I feel like Fox is invested in it, and that relieves me.
Riese: Wow! The gays!
Cheryl: Crossing fingers for a long life for GLEE.
Carlytron: Yes, me too.
Robin: YAY!!
Riese: It is what America needs in the recession.
Laneia: GLEE could be the first sign of a network actively seeking the gay viewers.
Riese: There are many more people in the world who are talented at good song and dance numbers than there are at writing teleplays, therefore song-and-dancing is FTW.
Carlytron: FINAL VERDICT: NUMBER ONE FEELING!
Cheryl: GLEEFEELING!!

Bored To Death

WHEN: Sundays at 9:30pm EST on HBO (Premiering September 20th)
WHAT: Jason Schwartzman plays a Brooklyn writer who copes with a painful breakup by becoming a private eye.
WHY: Because it stars Ted Danson, Jason Schwartzman, and Zach Galifianakis, because it looks smart and funny, because it features your dreamgirlfriends Kristen Wiig and Parker Posey as guest-stars.
WHERE: Official Bored to Death Site

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Riese: You want me to watch a trailer called Bored To Death?
Carlytron: He reads all these mystery stories. And decides he can actually solve mysteries! I would totally do that.
Robin: The trailer is so short.
Riese: Sounds boring.
Cheryl: OMG anything with Jason Schwartzman rulz!
Laneia: I feel like Jason Schwartzman can do no wrong.
Riese: I wish Rushmore was just a show, or The Royal Tennenbaums was a sitcom!! OMG!
Laneia: Royal Tenenbaums would NEVER last past season 1!
Carlytron: Bored to Death also features appearances by PARKER POSEY and KRISTEN WIIG.
Cheryl: Omg Parker Posey yes!
Robin: Love her.
Carlytron: I am super hella excited about this show.
Riese: She’s my favorite, Parker Posey.
Carlytron: I <3 everyone involved in it and I trust HBO to not eff it up.
Laneia: I have a question: I read somewhere that the formula for Bored To Death was done in the 90s. What the hell does that mean?
Riese: Harriet the Spy? It does sound familiar but I can’t think of what it was.
Laneia: I don’t understand how a show could feel 90s?
Carlytron: It didnt seem 90s in the trailer.
Laneia: Right?
Carlytron: It seemed stylized, almost modern faux noir?
Laneia: Seems FRECKING AWESOME!
Carlytron: I wish he had a cartoon rabbit counterpart tho.

Robin had to go at this point but she will be back later. Somehow, we soldier on…

NEXT PAGE: Spartacus, A Beautiful Life, Three Rivers, and a few honorable mentions.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand

WHEN: Fridays at 10pm EST on Starz (Premiering January 22nd)
WHAT: (from Starz’s press release, March 2009) The world of gladiators comes to life as the Roman Republic’s most brutal fighters clash in the ultimate arena. As punishment for defying a Roman Legate, Spartacus has been sentenced to die in the gladiator arena. But after surviving numerous fights, his sentence is commuted and he has been sold as a slave to be trained as a gladiator. Spartacus: Blood and Sand is an entirely new vision of the ancient legend and will utilize virtual environments giving it a unique graphic novel look and style, along with a fresh narrative approach.
WHY: Because you really loved the 300 or the Tudors, because you like slow-mo gore, because you love Lucy Lawless, because you want to see the women on the show hook up, because you like oiled up shirtless dudes beating the life out of each other, because you can sit through lots of violence to watch lots of sex.
WHERE: Official Spartacus Site

Riese: Everyone will like this, and I won’t, not beacuse it won’t be amazing, but because I am stupid.
Laneia: Cheryl’s about to LEAP from her seat.
Cheryl: Omg I will probs love this show b/c I love period dramas with gratuitous sex and violence.
Laneia: You guys just have no idea how much she will LOVE this show.
Cheryl: I mean slo-mo blood splatters and probs gay sex.
Carlytron: It looks SO BLOODY, so aces on the title.
Carlytron: It’s like the 300 for tv.
Laneia: YES.
Carlytron: Plus lesbians!
Laneia: Are there lesbians? I’m confused.
Carlytron: I took 4 years of latin in high school, so I can tell you: Romans will do it with whomever.
Cheryl: I will probs watch it alone.
Carlytron: I don’t know if I’ll let me watch this, it’s too bloody. I will just watch the lady parts on YouTube. Sometimes the ladies get with ladies on this show.
Cheryl: Don’t worry, I will watch it for all of you.
Laneia: I’ll watch it with her! I watched The Tudors.
Riese: Thank you Cheryl.
Carlytron: Great, thank you Cheryl.
Riese: I was about to say this will be like The Tudors.
Carlytron: Oh do not get me started on The Tudors.
Laneia: I mean, if I can sit through that (FOR LOVE!)
Riese: You could probably sit through Braveheart.
Carlytron: Do not get me started on Braveheart.
Riese: What is the worst show you have ever watched for love, with your current love-match?
Cheryl: Toddlers and Tiaras.
Laneia: The Tudors for sure.
Riese: Has Robin ever made you watch anything?
Carlytron: Nothing is coming to mind, probs cause I’m the dominant TV asshole in this relationship. She does keep trying to get me to watch The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I’ll watch it eventually though, so that probably doesn’t count. Usually Robin wants to watch things I like.
Cheryl: Anything on Sprout TV.
Laneia: Omg that was the cutest thing I’ve ever read. Whoever knows what Sprout TV is wins a child and a t-shirt.
Cheryl: Wait Eli is running around with a Pinwheel saying “sorry I don’t have time to talk to you Cheryl.”
Laneia: Omg.
Carlytron: Omg I’m dying.
Cheryl: Next show!

The Beautiful Life

WHEN: Wednesdays at 9pm EST on the CW (Premiering September 16th)
WHAT: (from the CW’s press release, May 2009) The life of a high-fashion model appears glamorous and sexy, but as every new model quickly learns, behind the beautiful faade is a world of insecurity and cutthroat competition.
WHY: Because you’ve been going through Mischa Barton withdrawl ever since the CW ended [UPDATE: That’s obvs a type-o but it’s funny so it’s staying], because you work in fashion or wish you did, because you love CW shows about pretty people doing ugly things, because you have low standards for the shows taking up space on your DVR.
WHERE: Official The Beautiful Life Site

Carlytron: I knew nothing about this show until 20 minutes prior to this chat.
Riese: I read the pilot and it is terrible.
Cheryl: I am so passing on this one, please God don’t anyone make me watch this show.
Carlytron: Gay boys and tween girls who watch Rachel Zoe will watch this… I guess?
Riese: I have no idea what is supposed to be interesting or new about this.
Laneia: Yes, I don’t understand.
Carlytron: It’s about models. Zzzzz.
Laneia: Um, it’s by Ashton Kutcher??
Riese: Does anyone remember Models Inc? It lasted like four episodes.
Laneia: Yes! I remember!
Riese: Thank you!
Cheryl: I mean if they had them snorting coke and throwing up in public toilets and slapping each other around–MAYBE!
Carlytron: It might last since Mischa Barton is in it but I’m not sure.
Cheryl: She has to sleep with at least two girls for me to watch this show.
Laneia: But her character is a drug-abusing asshat! And she was just in rehab!
Carlytron: Yes!
Laneia: It’s SO BAD!
Riese: I know, the confusing intersection of art/life.
Laneia: Icky art/life.
Carlytron: RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES!!
Cheryl: I am already using up my CW time for Vampire Diaries. That’s all they get from me!
Carlytron: Mine goes to Gossip Girl and maybe Top Model. Sorry, other shows!
Riese: Stupid. And no fun for the recession.
Carlytron: No fun at all.
Laneia: I’m scornfully shaking my head NO.

Three Rivers

WHEN: Sundays at 9pm EST on CBS (Premiering October 4th)
WHAT: (from the CBS’s press release, May 2009) Three Rivers is a medical drama that goes inside the emotionally complex lives of organ donors, the recipients and the surgeons at the preeminent transplant hospital in the country where every moment counts. However, dealing with donor families in their darkest hour and managing the fears and concerns of apprehensive recipients takes much more than just a sharp scalpel. In this high stakes arena, in which every case is a race against the clock, these tenacious surgeons and medical professionals are the last hope for their patients.
WHY: Because you miss Shane SO MUCH, because you will watch any medical drama ever, because you are looking very Shane today.
WHERE: Official Three Rivers Site

Carlytron: This is probably going to be very, very bad.
Cheryl: Yes, next!
Carlytron: But the lesbians love Shane!
Riese: I read that script too and it was also bad. Reading ruins everything.
Carlytron: The main guy’s last show was canned really fast too, so I don’t think this is long for this world. Too many medical shows.
Riese: It’s redundant.
Carlytron: Give me Grey’s and Nurse Jackie and the rest can eff off, i’m looking at YOU HawthoRNe and Mercy.
Laneia: I can’t even believe this show was picked up!
Carlytron: oh I can’t either.
Riese: Srsly, people are trying so hard to milk these sucessful concepts for all their worth, like there’s some untwisted twist left that will save it from just being stale. But it’s just stale, that’s it, it’s used up.
Laneia: I am upset w/ humans in general!
Carlytron: This show makes me angry.
Cheryl: Can we just comment on what Shane’s hair will look like in each episode and leave it at that?
Riese: We are going to have a You’re Very Shane Today Award!
Carlytron: We will only discuss Kate’s characer and her hair and her Shane-ness and that is all, no plot.
Riese: It would be better with singing and dancing. Well, then it would be Scrubs.
Carlytron: It would be better with naked lesbians.
Riese: If they made Kate’s character a lesbian then I would watch it. Then it would be Grey’s Anatomy, but naked.
Cheryl: Next time Pittsburgh!
Carlytron: Better with talking laughing writing reading thinking drinking fucking fighting losing dreaming cheating…
Laneia: From what I could see in the preview, even KM’s acting is TERRIBLE. and I HATE to say that but srsly.
Riese: It’s tried, it’s just tired, the medical thing. It needs a serious rest.
Cheryl: Why can’t Kate Moennig do a talk show?
Riese: She’s the next Tyra Banks.
Carlytron: Ha!
Riese: Or a podcast.
Laneia: She needs a hair cut.
Carlytron: She does.
Laneia: Why won’t she just get a really short cut?
Carlytron: Her “straight character” hair bums me out.
Riese: Everyone is unnaturally obsessed with Shane’s hair.
Carlytron: Shane season 2 — great hair.
Laneia: It’s too thin to be that long, Riese!
Carlytron: Yeah it’s unnatural.
Riese: Why do we have such issue with Kate playing a straight character? That’s my question for the group.
Carlytron: I don’t know! It bothers me.
Laneia: Because she is the epitome of GAY!
Carlytron: Maybe it’s just unbelievable, she oozes lesbian-ness.
Cheryl: Omg, we should develop a show for her.
Riese: I would like to develop a show for her about sex, where she seduces people and has sex with them. With ocassional singing and dancing.
Cheryl: Then posts pics on it.
Carlytron: That should have been the spin off, not the effing Farm.
Laneia: This is a perfect plan.
Riese: The singing and dancing would come from the kids at the club while Carmen DJ’ed.
Carlytron: How about Shane on a road trip across the country from LA to NY for some reason, stopping and having sex along the way.
Cheryl: Converting straight girls all across the land.
Riese: To have sex?
Carlytron: And then she gets with Carmen. I don’t know how that would work, but it would somehow. And it would be great.
Riese: Omg!
Carlytron: CONVERSION VAN would be the title. See what I did there?
Riese: That’s what you do.
Carlytron: That’s what I do.
Riese: And it should also be what Shane does.
Laneia: I want a bumper sticker that reads CONVERSION VAN w/ a pic of Shane.
Riese: I’d actually like to see all her storylines played out. Seriously.
Laneia: YES!
Carlytron: Yup.
Laneia: Every storyline.
Cheryl: It could totally work!
Riese: Like i’d like to see how that all went with Cherie Jaffe .. I’d like to see her try and get Carmen back. you know, run into her somewhere a year later, as we all so often do.
Carlytron: Oh totally.
Cheryl: Let’s be realistic, what happened to Shane after Jenny died?
Riese: God, Ilene, the answer is here! Stop having new ideas, and just finish the ones you started! You’ve done it already!
Laneia: OMG, Cheryl. Being reasonable about what happened when Jenny died is IMPOSSIBLE. It’s not possible to even speculate!
Riese: Jenny isn’t dead
Carlytron: God someone should give us a bunch of money and let us run.
Riese: The television, like 1984, but with better taste.
Cheryl: We could be here for hours discussing this.
Laneia: You can’t even speculate!
Carlytron: So this show is a joke. Next!
Riese: I think L Word 608 should have had one more scene where they all woke up and it was a dream, the last seven episodes.
Laneia: That would literally be the only way to redeem that shitshow.
Cheryl: I just want the highlights with all Shane clips and that will be enough from this show.
Riese: I will make you that highlight reel Cheryl.

Honorable Mention

Stargate Universe

WHEN: Fridays at 9pm EST on SyFy (Premiering October 2nd)
WHAT: (from SyFy’s press release, February 2009) Edgier and younger in tone, SGU will take the franchise in a dynamic new direction, appealing to longtime Stargate fans and first-time viewers alike. SGU follows a band of soldiers, scientists and civilians, who must fend for themselves as they are forced through a Stargate when their hidden base comes under attack. The desperate survivors emerge aboard an ancient ship, which is locked on an unknown course and unable to return to Earth. Faced with meeting the most basic needs of food, water and air, the group must unlock the secrets of the ship’s Stargate to survive. The danger, adventure and hope they find on board the Destiny will reveal the heroes and villains among them.
WHY: Because you love the Stargate franchise, because you enjoy sci-fi, because you can tolerate sci-fi when there is a lesbian character, because you’re my mother or my college roommate Joseph.
WHERE: Official Stargate Universe Site

Carlytron: This is on our list because a main character is going to be a lesbian! Otherwise it’s yet another Stargate series, which: ok, fine.
Cheryl: What!? A LESBO IN SPACE?
Riese: I don’t know what the other ones were.
Carlytron: I dont care.
Riese: It’s a franchise?
Laneia: I am lost
Carlytron: There were like 20 Stargate shows and a movie.
Riese: Like Star Trek but not smart?
Carlytron: My college roommate Joseph watched them all religiously. Also, my mother.
Riese: Huh. The things you miss when you are writing bad poems on the internet.
Laneia: It looks very dramatic.
Cheryl: I will watch it for all of you.
Carlytron: It will not get cancelled because SyFy (i hate that spelling) viewers will enjoy this.
Laneia: Sie-Figh.
Carlytron: So good on them for adding a lesbian (an ASIAN lesbian no less!) during a time when there is like, one other lesbian character on tv and she is white.
Laneia: Sigh-Fie

Cougar Town

WHEN: Wednesdays at 9:30pm EST on ABC (Premiering September 23rd)
WHAT: (from ABC’s press release, May 2009) Courteney Cox stars as a recently divorced single mother exploring the honest truths about dating and aging in our beauty and youth obsessed culture.
WHY: Because you’re a Courteney Cox fan, because you found the preview to be surprisingly funny, because you’re a cougar or lover of cougars, because no one told you life was gonna be this way (clap clap clap clap).
WHERE: Official Cougar Town Site

Cheryl: I will love this show.
Laneia: I wanted to HATE this show, and I still do, BUT I LOL’D SO MANY TIMES!
Carlytron: I know! me too. I think I will try to watch Cougar Town and Eastwick, because I am a fag.
Riese: I’m The Grinch Who Stole Television. I think it sounds boring.

Eastwick

WHEN: Wednesdays at 10pm EST on ABC (Premiering September 23rd)
WHAT: (from ABC’s press release, May 2009) Three very different women find themselves drawn together by a mysterious man who unleashes unique powers in each of them, and this small New England town will never be the same. The series is based on the popular movie The Witches of Eastwick and on the novel of the same title by John Updike.
WHY: Because you love witches, because you are excited to see Sara Rue on network television, because you like pretty ladies, because you used to watch Charmed a lot.
WHERE: Official Eastwick Site

Laneia: I’m mad about Eastwick!
Cheryl: Eastwick cuz I loves the witches.
Carlytron: It looks fun!
Cheryl: Eastwick = Charmed with 30-40 somethings.

Happy Town

WHEN: New in 2010, not yet on ABC’s schedule.
WHAT: (from the ABC’s press release, May 2009) Haplin, Minnesota, Happy Town, is approaching almost a decade of peace after being riddled for years by unsolved kidnappings. But in the wake of this small town’s first crime in seven years, some dark truths are being revealed about some familiar faces. They say every town has its secrets that doesn’t even begin to describe Happy Town.
WHY: Because you like suspenseful thrillers on television, because you love serial killers, because you can’t get enough Amy Acker on Dollhouse, because you love getting a few shows into something before it gets cancelled.
WHERE: Official Happy Town Site

Cheryl: Happy Town will EPIC FAIL!
Carlytron: Happy Town = Harper’s Island = FAIL
Laneia: Happy Town has Larry Kubiac!!!!!!
Laneia: No one cares about Parker Lewis Can’t Lose? No one? Not a single one of you?
Carlytron: Nope.

The Good Wife

WHEN: Tuesdays at 10pm EST on ABC (Premiering September 22nd)
WHAT: (from ABC’s press release, May 2009) The Good Wife is a drama starring Emmy Award winner Julianna Margulies as a wife and mother who must assume full responsibility for her family and re-enter the workforce after her husband’s very public sex and political corruption scandal lands him in jail.
WHY: Because you have really been missing Julianna Margulies since she left ER, because you love political scandals or shows with “ripped from the headlines” plots, because you thought it was Famke Janssen on the billboards.
WHERE: Official The Good Wife Site

Cheryl: The Good Wife – who cares?
Carlytron: Zzzzz. I was almost excited about Good Wife because I thought it was actually Famke Janssen on the poster. NOT TRUE.
Riese: I am going to loathe the Good Wife. I already loathe the title.
Carlytron: Riese is going to loathe the Good Wife.
Riese: I have already decided it is sexist, anti-woman, anti-sex-worker, anti-love, anti-rock-and-roll.
Carlytron: Instead it should be a tv series of the Good Son, that would be more compelling.
Cheryl: Yes, she should go PSYCHO. That would be worth watching– the wife who went all apeshit.
Riese: The Good Son would be better, I like Macaulay Culkin.

Vampire Diaries

WHEN: Thursdays at 8pm EST on the CW (Premiering September 10th)
WHAT: (from ABC’s press release, June 2009) The Vampire Diaries focuses on the battle between two Vampire brothers — one good, one evil — who compete for the love of the same young woman.
WHY: Because you think Ian Somerhalder is dreeeeamy (he was in Young Americans and Rules of Attraction and I love him), because you love Twilight, because you want to be a vampire in a serious way.
WHERE: Official Vampire Diaries Site

Carlytron: Vampire Diaries?
Cheryl: Will watch.
Carlytron: I will not.
Laneia: Will watch.
Carlytron: Because I refuse to see Twilight, Buffy holds a special place in my heart, and I love True Blood.
Riese: I will not.
Cheryl: I kinda want to read the book first.
Laneia: It’s got Twilight Bad/Good written all the fuck over it. I AM SO IN!
Riese: Terrible/AWESOME you might say.
Carlytron: It looks like 90210 with vampires. which is to say, bad.
Riese: Auto-straddling the line between terrible and AWESOME.
Cheryl: The vampy thing is getting OLD though.
Carlytron: You can’t just add vampires to any show and expect it to work.
Laneia: But it was a book first!
Carlytron: Grey’s Anatomy… with VAMPIRES.
Laneia: WOULD BE AWESOME!
Cheryl: Top Chef with vampires!
Carlytron: Iron Chef for vampires — the secret ingredient is always blood.
Riese: Oh that’s good.
Laneia: Is loling.
Riese: I would like singing and dancing.
Laneia: Singing and dancing + vampires.
Carlytron: I’m going to pitch a series called Transylvania Tales, like Golden Girls but with vamps.
Riese: I WILL WATCH! Starring Shane as a human non-vampire hairdresser from West Hollywood!
Carlytron: And me as Trampire.
Cheryl: As long as ILENE gets KILLED IN THE FIRST EPISODE!
Carlytron: REMEMBER THAT? REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A VAMPIRE FIRST?
Riese: Omg.
Carlytron: I was a vampire before it was cool. Write that down.
Riese: Who killed Ilene?
Carlytron: VAMPIRES!
Riese: LIZARDS!
Laneia: Write that down: LEZARDS!
Carlytron: It’s lizards! You brought it back around.
Cheryl: Lizards vs. vampires.
Carlytron: LEZARDS — NEW SERIES WRITE THAT DOWN!
Riese: LEZARDS = LIZARD LESBIAN VAMPIRES.
Carlytron: Autostraddle presents: LEZARDS!

Wrap-Up Questions

What new show (that isn’t Glee) are you most excited about?

Carlytron: Modern Family
Laneia: Bored to Death
Cheryl: Bored to Death
Riese: Modern Family
Robin: Modern Family and Eastwick

What new show are you least excited about?

Carlytron: Three Rivers
Laneia: Fucking Melrose Fucking Place
Cheryl: V
Riese: The Beautiful Life
Robin: Stargate Universe and Melrose Place. Anything science fiction, pretty much.

What returning shows are you most excited about?

Carlytron: The Office, 30 Rock, HIMYM, Dollhouse, Gossip Girl… I guess Heroes
Laneia: DOLLHOUSE. that’s all I care about
Cheryl: Dollhouse, Heroes, Lost, The Tudors (YES I SAID THE TUDORS!). Top Chef!
Riese: The Office, Law & Order, the Ellen afternoon show. Mostly the Office.
Robin: The Office, 30 Rock, Gossip Girl
Riese: Oh I am excited about Claire being a lesbian on Heroes
Carlytron: Oh you mean the ratings stunt?
Riese: She would make a good lez.
Carlytron: You mean Claire being a ratings stunt?
Laneia: I fell in love w/ a ratings stunt once.
Cheryl: THE L WORD! I am so excited about season 7, aren’t you?
Riese: TOTES. I hear someone is gonna become an angel at the end.
Cheryl: Omg what are we going to do on Sunday nights?
Laneia: Each other.

So there you have it, our official word on fall TV. The Autostraddle Televisionaries will definitely be recapping Modern Family and Glee, but the rest is up to you! Let us know in the comments what new shows you’d like to see us recap this season and whatever shows get the most votes will be added to our roster! The returning shows that we will be recapping weekly are: 30 Rock, Desperate Housewives, Dexter, Dollhouse, Fringe, Gossip Girl, Grey’s Anatomy, Heroes, How I Met Your Mother, The Office, and Saturday Night Live. We might add in a few more as things progress, and we’re always looking for your feedback so let us know what shows you’re loving!

And as a special treat for reading this entire thing, we have one more exciting announcement! We’ll be live-blogging tonight’s new episode of Glee, starting at 9pm right here on Autostraddle! See you then!

‘Tron out!

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