Spartacus: Blood and Sand
WHEN: Fridays at 10pm EST on Starz (Premiering January 22nd)
WHAT: (from Starz’s press release, March 2009) The world of gladiators comes to life as the Roman Republic’s most brutal fighters clash in the ultimate arena. As punishment for defying a Roman Legate, Spartacus has been sentenced to die in the gladiator arena. But after surviving numerous fights, his sentence is commuted and he has been sold as a slave to be trained as a gladiator. Spartacus: Blood and Sand is an entirely new vision of the ancient legend and will utilize virtual environments giving it a unique graphic novel look and style, along with a fresh narrative approach.
WHY: Because you really loved the 300 or the Tudors, because you like slow-mo gore, because you love Lucy Lawless, because you want to see the women on the show hook up, because you like oiled up shirtless dudes beating the life out of each other, because you can sit through lots of violence to watch lots of sex.
WHERE: Official Spartacus Site
Riese: Everyone will like this, and I won’t, not beacuse it won’t be amazing, but because I am stupid.
Laneia: Cheryl’s about to LEAP from her seat.
Cheryl: Omg I will probs love this show b/c I love period dramas with gratuitous sex and violence.
Laneia: You guys just have no idea how much she will LOVE this show.
Cheryl: I mean slo-mo blood splatters and probs gay sex.
Carlytron: It looks SO BLOODY, so aces on the title.
Carlytron: It’s like the 300 for tv.
Carlytron: Plus lesbians!
Laneia: Are there lesbians? I’m confused.
Carlytron: I took 4 years of latin in high school, so I can tell you: Romans will do it with whomever.
Cheryl: I will probs watch it alone.
Carlytron: I don’t know if I’ll let me watch this, it’s too bloody. I will just watch the lady parts on YouTube. Sometimes the ladies get with ladies on this show.
Cheryl: Don’t worry, I will watch it for all of you.
Laneia: I’ll watch it with her! I watched The Tudors.
Riese: Thank you Cheryl.
Carlytron: Great, thank you Cheryl.
Riese: I was about to say this will be like The Tudors.
Carlytron: Oh do not get me started on The Tudors.
Laneia: I mean, if I can sit through that (FOR LOVE!)
Riese: You could probably sit through Braveheart.
Carlytron: Do not get me started on Braveheart.
Riese: What is the worst show you have ever watched for love, with your current love-match?
Cheryl: Toddlers and Tiaras.
Laneia: The Tudors for sure.
Riese: Has Robin ever made you watch anything?
Carlytron: Nothing is coming to mind, probs cause I’m the dominant TV asshole in this relationship. She does keep trying to get me to watch The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I’ll watch it eventually though, so that probably doesn’t count. Usually Robin wants to watch things I like.
Cheryl: Anything on Sprout TV.
Laneia: Omg that was the cutest thing I’ve ever read. Whoever knows what Sprout TV is wins a child and a t-shirt.
Cheryl: Wait Eli is running around with a Pinwheel saying “sorry I don’t have time to talk to you Cheryl.”
Carlytron: Omg I’m dying.
Cheryl: Next show!
The Beautiful Life
WHEN: Wednesdays at 9pm EST on the CW (Premiering September 16th)
WHAT: (from the CW’s press release, May 2009) The life of a high-fashion model appears glamorous and sexy, but as every new model quickly learns, behind the beautiful faade is a world of insecurity and cutthroat competition.
WHY: Because you’ve been going through Mischa Barton withdrawl ever since the CW ended [UPDATE: That’s obvs a type-o but it’s funny so it’s staying], because you work in fashion or wish you did, because you love CW shows about pretty people doing ugly things, because you have low standards for the shows taking up space on your DVR.
WHERE: Official The Beautiful Life Site
Carlytron: I knew nothing about this show until 20 minutes prior to this chat.
Riese: I read the pilot and it is terrible.
Cheryl: I am so passing on this one, please God don’t anyone make me watch this show.
Carlytron: Gay boys and tween girls who watch Rachel Zoe will watch this… I guess?
Riese: I have no idea what is supposed to be interesting or new about this.
Laneia: Yes, I don’t understand.
Carlytron: It’s about models. Zzzzz.
Laneia: Um, it’s by Ashton Kutcher??
Riese: Does anyone remember Models Inc? It lasted like four episodes.
Laneia: Yes! I remember!
Riese: Thank you!
Cheryl: I mean if they had them snorting coke and throwing up in public toilets and slapping each other around–MAYBE!
Carlytron: It might last since Mischa Barton is in it but I’m not sure.
Cheryl: She has to sleep with at least two girls for me to watch this show.
Laneia: But her character is a drug-abusing asshat! And she was just in rehab!
Laneia: It’s SO BAD!
Riese: I know, the confusing intersection of art/life.
Laneia: Icky art/life.
Carlytron: RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES!!
Cheryl: I am already using up my CW time for Vampire Diaries. That’s all they get from me!
Carlytron: Mine goes to Gossip Girl and maybe Top Model. Sorry, other shows!
Riese: Stupid. And no fun for the recession.
Carlytron: No fun at all.
Laneia: I’m scornfully shaking my head NO.
WHEN: Sundays at 9pm EST on CBS (Premiering October 4th)
WHAT: (from the CBS’s press release, May 2009) Three Rivers is a medical drama that goes inside the emotionally complex lives of organ donors, the recipients and the surgeons at the preeminent transplant hospital in the country where every moment counts. However, dealing with donor families in their darkest hour and managing the fears and concerns of apprehensive recipients takes much more than just a sharp scalpel. In this high stakes arena, in which every case is a race against the clock, these tenacious surgeons and medical professionals are the last hope for their patients.
WHY: Because you miss Shane SO MUCH, because you will watch any medical drama ever, because you are looking very Shane today.
WHERE: Official Three Rivers Site
Carlytron: This is probably going to be very, very bad.
Cheryl: Yes, next!
Carlytron: But the lesbians love Shane!
Riese: I read that script too and it was also bad. Reading ruins everything.
Carlytron: The main guy’s last show was canned really fast too, so I don’t think this is long for this world. Too many medical shows.
Riese: It’s redundant.
Carlytron: Give me Grey’s and Nurse Jackie and the rest can eff off, i’m looking at YOU HawthoRNe and Mercy.
Laneia: I can’t even believe this show was picked up!
Carlytron: oh I can’t either.
Riese: Srsly, people are trying so hard to milk these sucessful concepts for all their worth, like there’s some untwisted twist left that will save it from just being stale. But it’s just stale, that’s it, it’s used up.
Laneia: I am upset w/ humans in general!
Carlytron: This show makes me angry.
Cheryl: Can we just comment on what Shane’s hair will look like in each episode and leave it at that?
Riese: We are going to have a You’re Very Shane Today Award!
Carlytron: We will only discuss Kate’s characer and her hair and her Shane-ness and that is all, no plot.
Riese: It would be better with singing and dancing. Well, then it would be Scrubs.
Carlytron: It would be better with naked lesbians.
Riese: If they made Kate’s character a lesbian then I would watch it. Then it would be Grey’s Anatomy, but naked.
Cheryl: Next time Pittsburgh!
Carlytron: Better with talking laughing writing reading thinking drinking fucking fighting losing dreaming cheating…
Laneia: From what I could see in the preview, even KM’s acting is TERRIBLE. and I HATE to say that but srsly.
Riese: It’s tried, it’s just tired, the medical thing. It needs a serious rest.
Cheryl: Why can’t Kate Moennig do a talk show?
Riese: She’s the next Tyra Banks.
Riese: Or a podcast.
Laneia: She needs a hair cut.
Carlytron: She does.
Laneia: Why won’t she just get a really short cut?
Carlytron: Her “straight character” hair bums me out.
Riese: Everyone is unnaturally obsessed with Shane’s hair.
Carlytron: Shane season 2 — great hair.
Laneia: It’s too thin to be that long, Riese!
Carlytron: Yeah it’s unnatural.
Riese: Why do we have such issue with Kate playing a straight character? That’s my question for the group.
Carlytron: I don’t know! It bothers me.
Laneia: Because she is the epitome of GAY!
Carlytron: Maybe it’s just unbelievable, she oozes lesbian-ness.
Cheryl: Omg, we should develop a show for her.
Riese: I would like to develop a show for her about sex, where she seduces people and has sex with them. With ocassional singing and dancing.
Cheryl: Then posts pics on it.
Carlytron: That should have been the spin off, not the effing Farm.
Laneia: This is a perfect plan.
Riese: The singing and dancing would come from the kids at the club while Carmen DJ’ed.
Carlytron: How about Shane on a road trip across the country from LA to NY for some reason, stopping and having sex along the way.
Cheryl: Converting straight girls all across the land.
Riese: To have sex?
Carlytron: And then she gets with Carmen. I don’t know how that would work, but it would somehow. And it would be great.
Carlytron: CONVERSION VAN would be the title. See what I did there?
Riese: That’s what you do.
Carlytron: That’s what I do.
Riese: And it should also be what Shane does.
Laneia: I want a bumper sticker that reads CONVERSION VAN w/ a pic of Shane.
Riese: I’d actually like to see all her storylines played out. Seriously.
Laneia: Every storyline.
Cheryl: It could totally work!
Riese: Like i’d like to see how that all went with Cherie Jaffe .. I’d like to see her try and get Carmen back. you know, run into her somewhere a year later, as we all so often do.
Carlytron: Oh totally.
Cheryl: Let’s be realistic, what happened to Shane after Jenny died?
Riese: God, Ilene, the answer is here! Stop having new ideas, and just finish the ones you started! You’ve done it already!
Laneia: OMG, Cheryl. Being reasonable about what happened when Jenny died is IMPOSSIBLE. It’s not possible to even speculate!
Riese: Jenny isn’t dead
Carlytron: God someone should give us a bunch of money and let us run.
Riese: The television, like 1984, but with better taste.
Cheryl: We could be here for hours discussing this.
Laneia: You can’t even speculate!
Carlytron: So this show is a joke. Next!
Riese: I think L Word 608 should have had one more scene where they all woke up and it was a dream, the last seven episodes.
Laneia: That would literally be the only way to redeem that shitshow.
Cheryl: I just want the highlights with all Shane clips and that will be enough from this show.
Riese: I will make you that highlight reel Cheryl.
WHEN: Fridays at 9pm EST on SyFy (Premiering October 2nd)
WHAT: (from SyFy’s press release, February 2009) Edgier and younger in tone, SGU will take the franchise in a dynamic new direction, appealing to longtime Stargate fans and first-time viewers alike. SGU follows a band of soldiers, scientists and civilians, who must fend for themselves as they are forced through a Stargate when their hidden base comes under attack. The desperate survivors emerge aboard an ancient ship, which is locked on an unknown course and unable to return to Earth. Faced with meeting the most basic needs of food, water and air, the group must unlock the secrets of the ship’s Stargate to survive. The danger, adventure and hope they find on board the Destiny will reveal the heroes and villains among them.
WHY: Because you love the Stargate franchise, because you enjoy sci-fi, because you can tolerate sci-fi when there is a lesbian character, because you’re my mother or my college roommate Joseph.
WHERE: Official Stargate Universe Site
Carlytron: This is on our list because a main character is going to be a lesbian! Otherwise it’s yet another Stargate series, which: ok, fine.
Cheryl: What!? A LESBO IN SPACE?
Riese: I don’t know what the other ones were.
Carlytron: I dont care.
Riese: It’s a franchise?
Laneia: I am lost
Carlytron: There were like 20 Stargate shows and a movie.
Riese: Like Star Trek but not smart?
Carlytron: My college roommate Joseph watched them all religiously. Also, my mother.
Riese: Huh. The things you miss when you are writing bad poems on the internet.
Laneia: It looks very dramatic.
Cheryl: I will watch it for all of you.
Carlytron: It will not get cancelled because SyFy (i hate that spelling) viewers will enjoy this.
Carlytron: So good on them for adding a lesbian (an ASIAN lesbian no less!) during a time when there is like, one other lesbian character on tv and she is white.
WHEN: Wednesdays at 9:30pm EST on ABC (Premiering September 23rd)
WHAT: (from ABC’s press release, May 2009) Courteney Cox stars as a recently divorced single mother exploring the honest truths about dating and aging in our beauty and youth obsessed culture.
WHY: Because you’re a Courteney Cox fan, because you found the preview to be surprisingly funny, because you’re a cougar or lover of cougars, because no one told you life was gonna be this way (clap clap clap clap).
WHERE: Official Cougar Town Site
Cheryl: I will love this show.
Laneia: I wanted to HATE this show, and I still do, BUT I LOL’D SO MANY TIMES!
Carlytron: I know! me too. I think I will try to watch Cougar Town and Eastwick, because I am a fag.
Riese: I’m The Grinch Who Stole Television. I think it sounds boring.
WHEN: Wednesdays at 10pm EST on ABC (Premiering September 23rd)
WHAT: (from ABC’s press release, May 2009) Three very different women find themselves drawn together by a mysterious man who unleashes unique powers in each of them, and this small New England town will never be the same. The series is based on the popular movie The Witches of Eastwick and on the novel of the same title by John Updike.
WHY: Because you love witches, because you are excited to see Sara Rue on network television, because you like pretty ladies, because you used to watch Charmed a lot.
WHERE: Official Eastwick Site
Laneia: I’m mad about Eastwick!
Cheryl: Eastwick cuz I loves the witches.
Carlytron: It looks fun!
Cheryl: Eastwick = Charmed with 30-40 somethings.
WHEN: New in 2010, not yet on ABC’s schedule.
WHAT: (from the ABC’s press release, May 2009) Haplin, Minnesota, Happy Town, is approaching almost a decade of peace after being riddled for years by unsolved kidnappings. But in the wake of this small town’s first crime in seven years, some dark truths are being revealed about some familiar faces. They say every town has its secrets that doesn’t even begin to describe Happy Town.
WHY: Because you like suspenseful thrillers on television, because you love serial killers, because you can’t get enough Amy Acker on Dollhouse, because you love getting a few shows into something before it gets cancelled.
WHERE: Official Happy Town Site
Cheryl: Happy Town will EPIC FAIL!
Carlytron: Happy Town = Harper’s Island = FAIL
Laneia: Happy Town has Larry Kubiac!!!!!!
Laneia: No one cares about Parker Lewis Can’t Lose? No one? Not a single one of you?
The Good Wife
WHEN: Tuesdays at 10pm EST on ABC (Premiering September 22nd)
WHAT: (from ABC’s press release, May 2009) The Good Wife is a drama starring Emmy Award winner Julianna Margulies as a wife and mother who must assume full responsibility for her family and re-enter the workforce after her husband’s very public sex and political corruption scandal lands him in jail.
WHY: Because you have really been missing Julianna Margulies since she left ER, because you love political scandals or shows with “ripped from the headlines” plots, because you thought it was Famke Janssen on the billboards.
WHERE: Official The Good Wife Site
Cheryl: The Good Wife – who cares?
Carlytron: Zzzzz. I was almost excited about Good Wife because I thought it was actually Famke Janssen on the poster. NOT TRUE.
Riese: I am going to loathe the Good Wife. I already loathe the title.
Carlytron: Riese is going to loathe the Good Wife.
Riese: I have already decided it is sexist, anti-woman, anti-sex-worker, anti-love, anti-rock-and-roll.
Carlytron: Instead it should be a tv series of the Good Son, that would be more compelling.
Cheryl: Yes, she should go PSYCHO. That would be worth watching– the wife who went all apeshit.
Riese: The Good Son would be better, I like Macaulay Culkin.
WHEN: Thursdays at 8pm EST on the CW (Premiering September 10th)
WHAT: (from ABC’s press release, June 2009) The Vampire Diaries focuses on the battle between two Vampire brothers — one good, one evil — who compete for the love of the same young woman.
WHY: Because you think Ian Somerhalder is dreeeeamy (he was in Young Americans and Rules of Attraction and I love him), because you love Twilight, because you want to be a vampire in a serious way.
WHERE: Official Vampire Diaries Site
Carlytron: Vampire Diaries?
Cheryl: Will watch.
Carlytron: I will not.
Laneia: Will watch.
Carlytron: Because I refuse to see Twilight, Buffy holds a special place in my heart, and I love True Blood.
Riese: I will not.
Cheryl: I kinda want to read the book first.
Laneia: It’s got Twilight Bad/Good written all the fuck over it. I AM SO IN!
Riese: Terrible/AWESOME you might say.
Carlytron: It looks like 90210 with vampires. which is to say, bad.
Riese: Auto-straddling the line between terrible and AWESOME.
Cheryl: The vampy thing is getting OLD though.
Carlytron: You can’t just add vampires to any show and expect it to work.
Laneia: But it was a book first!
Carlytron: Grey’s Anatomy… with VAMPIRES.
Laneia: WOULD BE AWESOME!
Cheryl: Top Chef with vampires!
Carlytron: Iron Chef for vampires — the secret ingredient is always blood.
Riese: Oh that’s good.
Laneia: Is loling.
Riese: I would like singing and dancing.
Laneia: Singing and dancing + vampires.
Carlytron: I’m going to pitch a series called Transylvania Tales, like Golden Girls but with vamps.
Riese: I WILL WATCH! Starring Shane as a human non-vampire hairdresser from West Hollywood!
Carlytron: And me as Trampire.
Cheryl: As long as ILENE gets KILLED IN THE FIRST EPISODE!
Carlytron: REMEMBER THAT? REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A VAMPIRE FIRST?
Carlytron: I was a vampire before it was cool. Write that down.
Riese: Who killed Ilene?
Laneia: Write that down: LEZARDS!
Carlytron: It’s lizards! You brought it back around.
Cheryl: Lizards vs. vampires.
Carlytron: LEZARDS — NEW SERIES WRITE THAT DOWN!
Riese: LEZARDS = LIZARD LESBIAN VAMPIRES.
Carlytron: Autostraddle presents: LEZARDS!
What new show (that isn’t Glee) are you most excited about?
Carlytron: Modern Family
Laneia: Bored to Death
Cheryl: Bored to Death
Riese: Modern Family
Robin: Modern Family and Eastwick
What new show are you least excited about?
Carlytron: Three Rivers
Laneia: Fucking Melrose Fucking Place
Riese: The Beautiful Life
Robin: Stargate Universe and Melrose Place. Anything science fiction, pretty much.
What returning shows are you most excited about?
Carlytron: The Office, 30 Rock, HIMYM, Dollhouse, Gossip Girl… I guess Heroes
Laneia: DOLLHOUSE. that’s all I care about
Cheryl: Dollhouse, Heroes, Lost, The Tudors (YES I SAID THE TUDORS!). Top Chef!
Riese: The Office, Law & Order, the Ellen afternoon show. Mostly the Office.
Robin: The Office, 30 Rock, Gossip Girl
Riese: Oh I am excited about Claire being a lesbian on Heroes
Carlytron: Oh you mean the ratings stunt?
Riese: She would make a good lez.
Carlytron: You mean Claire being a ratings stunt?
Laneia: I fell in love w/ a ratings stunt once.
Cheryl: THE L WORD! I am so excited about season 7, aren’t you?
Riese: TOTES. I hear someone is gonna become an angel at the end.
Cheryl: Omg what are we going to do on Sunday nights?
Laneia: Each other.
So there you have it, our official word on fall TV. The Autostraddle Televisionaries will definitely be recapping Modern Family and Glee, but the rest is up to you! Let us know in the comments what new shows you’d like to see us recap this season and whatever shows get the most votes will be added to our roster! The returning shows that we will be recapping weekly are: 30 Rock, Desperate Housewives, Dexter, Dollhouse, Fringe, Gossip Girl, Grey’s Anatomy, Heroes, How I Met Your Mother, The Office, and Saturday Night Live. We might add in a few more as things progress, and we’re always looking for your feedback so let us know what shows you’re loving!
And as a special treat for reading this entire thing, we have one more exciting announcement! We’ll be live-blogging tonight’s new episode of Glee, starting at 9pm right here on Autostraddle! See you then!