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Q: My girlfriend keeps hinting she wants a little strip tease action from me. I’m not a super prude nor a Pussycat Doll, but I am having some mental blockage with this one. How do girls do this?
A: So this isn’t you, then? You’re not Snoop Dogg’s “lead pussycat”?
Here’s the thing. Your girlfriend knows you are not a Pussycat Doll, but I bet she thinks you’re pretty gosh darn sexy. So, if you are doing a thing where you are moving around and taking your clothes off, you are probably on the right track. Even if you mess it all up in an epic way, it will still lead to fun sexy times. Maybe you’ve been thinking about this for a long time; maybe this is something you’ve been mulling over trying a sexy striptease as part of the Autostraddle Masters of Sex Cure Month Experience. Either way, read on!
I’m not just going to tell you to do you. I have some practical tips. I have never stripped professionally, so take this as advice from one self-learnt lady to another. I have been to many strip clubs. (And I was once genuinely mistaken for a dancer at a strip club where I was a patron, which I took as a compliment.) Oh, and I arranged a private Art of Striptease dance class with a bunch of friends once for a bachelorette weekend, so I guess you can consider that professional training. (If you have the sort of friends who are into that kind of thing, it is a riot to try to learn a sexy dance together, FYI.)
Put something on.
The sexiest part of a striptease is the part where you take clothes off, obviously, so you want to start with clothes on. Put your sexy underthings on underneath and then layer looser clothing on top. Some classic options are an oversized button-up shirt. Or a full suit with a loosened tie. You can even wear an oversized hoodie if you’re doing a sporty striptease. Go with things that either unbutton or unzip from the front, unless you are a pro. You don’t want to get stuck pulling your shirt over your head mid-strip. Also, you can gradually remove the zipped up/buttoned up item in a very sexy way.
Pants that are not tear-off (though you can easily find athletic track pants that are tear-off at any sporting good store) are for advanced strippers. If you’re going with pants, practice your pants-off shimmy and make sure the pants are loose enough to fall away from your body. If you have tear-off pants, practice makes perfect or at least not embarassing and stuck in your pants. Skinny jeans and leggings will lead to awkward tugging and jumping around on one foot. Maybe go with a long shirt and go pantsless.
Hats can be fun to play around with, especially top hats and cowgurl hats. You can use a hat to cover up body parts as you take off your clothes. You can use your hat to solicit tips after your performance, thankyouverymuch. You can also feel really silly in a hat, so if a hat makes you feel more silly than sexy, forgo the hat.
NO SOCKS. Unless you or your partner have a foot fetish (which is totally cool if you do), socks are hard to take off and not a particularly sexy reveal. If your gender presentation is such that you would wear long gloves, however, those are easy to remove and are very sexy. Thigh highs are also great because you don’t need to take them off to get down unless you want to. If you are a slightly advanced stripper, taking thigh highs off slowly is really hot. Lastly, make sure your footwear is easy to remove. Barefoot always works. If heels are a thing you would wear, go for it! More advanced things like thigh-high latex boots are best left to pros (unless you are going to leave them on for sex, in which case, YES).
For your underthings, just wear something that makes you feel super hot.
Bonus points if this is a new sexy underthing your partner has never seen before that will be revealed for the VERY FIRST TIME. Whoa. Rawr.
Most importantly, be comfortable and feel confident in what you are wearing. Barefoot in a button down shirt with sexy underthings beneath is totally fine… and hot.
Set the mood.
Dim the lights because sultry stripping doesn’t feel quite as naughty in full fluorescent light. However, you need light so your girlfriend can see your hot bod, so turn on some mood lights, put out a lava lamp, light candles, etc.
Pick a song that makes you feel sexy and makes you wanna bust a move, whatever that is. I have witnessed pros work it to everything from heavy metal to sugar pop. If you are feeling lost on the music decision, default to a popular hip hop song (e.g. Missy Elliot’s Get Ur Freak On) or a classic rock song (e.g. Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar on Me). If you are going for a long tease, pick a couple songs or at least put your song on repeat. You don’t want to music to stop before you’re ready. It would be great to just let your strip playlist lead right into your sex jams, actually.
I think it’s really important that your girlfriend sits for your striptease. You should have the sexual power in this situation and it is really sexy if your girlfriend is sitting below you for this. It gives her a great view (wink wink nudge nudge) and keeps her from fidgeting around and getting in your way. This positions her well if you decide to turn the strip dance into a lap dance. You can direct her to sit on the couch or the side of the bed or you can pull a chair into the middle of your sexily-lit room. Lead her to her seat and gently push her down onto it.
I am a big fan of the “no-touch” rule when performing a striptease. Tell your girlfriend she can’t touch you until you say it’s OK. It builds the tension, will drive her wild, and lets you do your thing without interference.
Take it off.
This part should be easy, but it’s the most intimidating part! Let’s revisit that part about how your girlfriend loves your hot bod and just wants to see you being sexy for her. Even if you are a horrible dancer, if you have made it this far, pretty much anything you do will be sexy. This very worst case scenario is that you suck at dancing or fall over or make a fool of yourself. But remember this is in front of a person who cares about you and who you care about. You aren’t on a stage. No one is posting this to YouTube. If you goof up in front of your girlfriend, is it really a huge deal? Probably not. Probably you’ll still get laid.
Practical tips, though. Strut. Swagger. Like, work your walk. You don’t need to be a runway model. Just walk with confidence, like you’re the hottest shit in the whole world and your girlfriend should be honored to be in your delicious presence.
It may make you feel more comfortable if you get your girlfriend into position (sitting) and turn the music on “off-stage,” then make your big entrance. This will also give you a few seconds to prepare yourself mentally immediately beforehand. And to really strut/swagger your way into the room like a boss. To do a model-ish strut, put one foot directly in front of the other when you walk, taking your time with each step.
You don’t need to come up with some elaborate dance (unless you want to). Moving your hips to the music is more than enough. Your girlfriend is gonna be more interested in what’s under your clothes and getting you out of your clothes than whether you can do the splits.
Here are some other simple moves that don’t require a whole lot of skill.
Make eye contact. Lots of direct eye contact.
Use your hands to tease — run them through your hair, touch the collar or hem of your shirt, run them down your body.
Walk away, slowly, giving her a nice view of your backside, then turn your head and shoot her a sexy glance.
Shake your butt or boobs right near her or on her. Remember the no touch rule? She can’t touch you, but you can touch her (with prior consent to this whole situation, obvs). Maybe give her a little lapdance. Sit your bottom lightly on her lap and rub your booty up and down against her crotch. Or straddle her face-to-face and press against her slowly and rhythmically. Run your hands slowly down her body from neck to…you decide. If you are wearing thigh high stockings, put one leg up on the chair and ask her to remove them for you (OK, so a little violation of the no-touch rule, but worth it!)
Even if you’re not an expert twerker, most people can shake their booty or do a booty roll. To do a booty roll, put your legs together, bend down and put your hands on your legs, then move your butt in, like, a circular direction. Was that too hard? That’s OK. Forget the booty roll. Just move your hips, make eye contact, tease with your hands. You’ve got this!
Slowly, SLOWLY, S-L-O-W-L-Y start removing your clothing. This the tease part, the sexy part. Start by opening one button or slightly unzipping your shirt or loosening your tie. Dance/strut some more. Remove something else. Really take your time. You can strip down to your underwear or down to full monty. Your choice.
When your girlfriend is so turned on that she probably is going to explode, make her wait a little big longer. You tease! When you are sure she is actually going to die if you don’t allow her to touch you and when you feel ready, say, “Now you can touch me.”
I’ll leave whatever happens next up to you. I think you can handle it, you sexy beast.