Season two of Queer Eye debuted on Netflix this past weekend, to all of our delights. Antoni, Karamo, Tan, Bobby, and Jonathan were back for another round of Hair Down Glasses Off and we were here for it, no questions asked! I mean, does Antoni give advice so generic that it feels like trolling, and does Karamo sometimes look like a human Ken doll in a way that is sort of unsettling? Sure. But it’s a fun and therapeutic show in a world increasingly on fire, and what are you gonna do, not watch it?
As we know, though, these violent delights have violent ends. Because at the core of this show, despite the occasional gay and/or trans subject, are the straight men and women who got us here. Straight men so dire in need of counseling on hygiene, eating habits, clothing, interior decor, manners, and just how to be a person in general that outside assistance is required. In a way it’s its own Straight People Watch. And like the silver lining found in that series, within these horror stories is the gift of gratitude. A reminder to be thankful for what I do have, which is my homosexuality.
Here are this season’s most affirming moments.
The Clean Underwear Moment
Leo, the titular “sexy beast” in episode three, is a man like many others in this series who does the bare minimum in terms of personal upkeep. That’s fine; not everyone needs to care about what they look like or how they dress because ultimately that’s not what makes a person. However. If you’re of the means to do so, have clean underwear. Please. No thanks to Reddit I know this is apparently an issue with straight men, but what the hell, man. You have children.
Also, look at the desperation on this woman’s face. Really get in there. Zoom in until you see her eyes considering what could have been her sliding doors moment that would have shielded her from a reality in which her adult life partner exclaims with pride, “Clean underwear!”
The Toenail Moment
This is also from Leo’s episode, and while I’m not posting the shot that preceded this one of toes so horrid that I screamed “NO” at my television because I value you as readers, trust me when I say: why? He doesn’t even follow this admission with an explanation. Not, “I don’t like them short,” or “I’m on my feet all day and sometimes it’s painful if they’re trimmed,” just: I don’t do it.
Ah, let me just sneak my feet under these covers, scrape them all the way down the sheet, and put them next to you, my wife.
The Frasier Crane Moment
William, sweet William. In episode two — titled, rudely, “A Decent Proposal” — William tossed and scrambled my brain when Tan asked him who he thinks looks good and William answered: Frasier Crane. Of anyone on earth, Frasier Crane, the vaguely all-taupe 90s sitcom radio host, is his end goal. Dream bigger, booboo, for me, for you, for all of us.
The Kitchen Sink Moment
Episode four is where Jason, our Burning Man enthusiast – who you know leaves the smacking of a non-seasonal flip-flop in his wake – allows his kitchen to be filmed while his sink looks like this and while his wash cloth is cooking up something drug-resistant. Can you believe? A chore-wheel gay would never!
Honestly, though – what are straight men up to in their kitchens? It’s like their junk drawer of rooms. I was recently dog sitting in a straight man’s apartment and he kept not one but three pairs of shoes in his kitchen cabinets! Hello?!?! Someone answer me!!!!
The Seed Frisbee
Just so we’re all on the same page, when someone starts a sentence with “I love” in relation to something you’re doing, they hate what you’re doing. This especially applies for Arian in episode six when the Fab 5 find his frisbee full of sunflower seeds in various states of disposal. This is what he decided was okay to keep out. He saw his frisbee filled with discarded shells that were once in his mouth and thought, “That can stay for when the film crew comes over.” What did he put away?
The What’s That Smell Moment(s)
For anyone who’s ever had the pleasure of encountering a straight man’s room, you know exactly what that smell is. It’s moldy towels. It’s dust. It’s scalp? It’s dirty clothes. It’s clean clothes that somehow already smell like dirty clothes. It’s a fitted sheet that’s never once been washed and a comforter that’s been terrorized by the absence of a top sheet.
The Beard Moment
Thank you, Wanda Sykes. Thank you, K-Stew. THANK YOU DISILLUSIONMENT.
I somehow have never seen a single episode of this show in either its original iteration or this new one (but I feel like maybe I should watch the new one because it’s like right there on Netflix so why not?).
But I have watched plenty of HGTV whenever I’m visiting my mom and I feel like this show is a lot like basically any home renovation show on HGTV where I’ve always assumed the producers are just like, “Hey, we will pay you a little bit of money to let us show your house at its absolute worst. Please do not clean up at all.” And then the Property Brothers or whoever hide all of their junk somewhere and the homeowners are amazed that all of their stuff is no longer visible. And then the Property Brothers leave and I assume their house goes right back to chaos as soon as they start actually living in it again.
So, I feel like this show is probably the same except it’s just straight men devolving back into their natural state a week or so after the Queer Guys leave. All that said, I still want to watch it.
thank you for reminding me that I need to do house hunters in this same way
Did you ever see the show, My Cat from Hell, where a cat behaviorist literally named Jackson Galaxy would visit mostly straight couples whose cats were somehow ruining their relationships?
My favorite straight people watching experience ever came from that show. There was this woman dating this guy whose cat was completely bullying her cat and the guy showed no remorse at all and he was just the absolute worst. He made no effort to change and even made fun of his girlfriend’s cat. So, the whole episode, I was screaming, “DUMP HIM!” at my TV like I do when watching most shows about straight people and then at the end of the episode when Jackson came back to see what progress they had made with the cats, she had actually dumped him!!
Bless that woman, I hope she’s queer now.
The only somewhat comforting answer to “What did he put away?” is “Nothing.”
who was it that tweeted “in general people need to have more shame”
I don’t know but they’re a damn hero
Never been a big “Queer Eye” fan, but I plan to watch the episode in Australia whenever that airs.
But while we are one Netflix, everyone should watch the special from Hannah Gadsby, a very powerful and emotional hour of comedy and truth from an Australian lesbian.
LONG LIVE NANETTE
The Aus episode is up! On youtube! It’s only 20 minutes but it’s cute.
I AM JUST HERE FOR THE NANETTE LOVE AND TO SAY “I AGREE”!!! long live nanette!!! i saw hannah live at a random dingy free show in melbs and it was amazing, she’s an incredible person.
I shannan this.
we love an emotional man!
a chore-wheel gay would never! <3
hey the house meeting is at 7
honestly as a chore wheel gay i feel comforted by this outstanding piece of journalism. thank you erin
did you see the house meeting was at 7
please ferment your tofu in your own room
This week I thought a sheet mask and the soothing sounds of Jonathan Van Ness cooing, “You’re gorgeous, henny,” would be a great way to self sooth after a particularly bad anxiety day, but then I saw those toenails and was tragically mistaken.
remember when “metrosexual” was a thing? let’s bring back “metrosexual.” if it means washing one’s underwear, I’m IN.
(keeping aside how dumb it was that we called basic grooming a sexuality)
sapiosexual: I’ve read a book this month
metrosexual: I’ve showered this week
bless the aughts
I love this article but it’s making me queasy
cleanse yourself with a picture of cate blanchett
Omg how did u know
Right before I came out I was dating the nicest guy who had, um, not the best personal hygiene habits. Out mutual best friends, a lesbian couple, routinely took it upon themselves to a) force him to get his toenails cut, b) personally tweeze his mass of ear hairs, and b) clean his apartment, which never would have happened otherwise. I’m sure none of us had ever seen the show, but I realize now we were living in a real life episode of Queer Eye. I think our friends were worried I would break up with him because of all the grossness. I did, eventually, but not for that reason! I think you can all guess what the reason was… ;)
honestly thank you for your service
This was a sweet story.
I do not watch Queer Eye but I am always here for Straight People Watch, and signed in just to share my recent horror at a straight co-worker who described her boyfriend’s very thick toenails, and how she has to cut them for him and pick out the sock fuzz that is lodged underneath since he will not do it himself.
i rebuke this story in the name of the lord
where’s tha vom react
@sullivem – Erin, I saw “chewable jewelry for mom” at target the other day for a cool $8.99.
I was confused about what it was for and why anyone would think of, make, advertise, sell, or buy such a thing until I applied the education you have given us here at Autostraddle about straight people.
wait what IS it for
I’ve surmised that it’s designed to save babies from having to choose between chewing on their parent’s regular jewelry and chewing on their very own pacifier/fingers/chew toy.
Some (but not only) autistic people like chewable toys/jewelry. Thought if they throw a “mom” in there it’s probably not the target group.
I remember watching this my freshman year of college with the other girls on my floor.
“OOOOOh he learned how to say “I love you” in Armenian wow, soooo romantic.”
And that was the last time!
I will never understand straight men (or want much to do with them). Thank you for highlighting these amazing queer eye moments and bringing laughter to this rainy day
So pleased that the man’s shoes in the cabinet anecdote found it’s worthy home
I, too, am unsure if Antoni is trolling us with the generic advice and recipe for guacamole. Here 4 it though
I was so glad that in S2 ep1 Antoni took a backseat and just observed the cooking. Make him chop eggs!
I will admit that I have, on occasion, bought new underwear in order to have clean underwear. Sometimes, things are hard.
But I have definitely never bragged about clean undies like it wasn’t the minimum of keeping it together.
Hmm so..Depression Me is basically a straight man, good to know.
But lay off Frasier Crane the comfy yet fancy of cardigan sweaters and sweater vests is a wonderful thing. It’s like wearing a hug and feeling like Mr.Rogers at the same time.
Also Frasier coordinates his colours quite well, there was an episode where he was mistaken for gay and that was used as supportive evidence.
The Frasier horror was mindboggling to me. It’s not like Frasier shops at Kmart, the show put him designer suits pretty regularly or at least mentioned that he had expensive taste and for the most part he dresses like a refined college professor.
Not gonna lie, it’s things like this that have single-bi-me waking up at 3am in COLD SWEATS OF TERROR that I might, through no fault of my own, end up catching feelings for a straight man. That there is a real possibility that this could be my future.
….and then I turn my tinder settings back to Just Women and remind myself that like 90% of the women-fancying men I know are bi and that means it’s probably going to be okay and that I’ll probably end up with a queer human who knows what end of an iron goes on the shirts either way. And then I can get back to sleep.
As a fellow bi human, I know these feels TOO WELL.
Besides the possibility of sloppy housekeeping and personal grooming, it is the worst thing ever when you think you’ve found a good one and then they hit you with the queerphobia / misogyny. UGH.
Oh my God. How are these men still alive????