6 Reasons Your Girlfriend Didn’t Come Home Last Night That Aren’t “She’s Cheating On You”

We’ve all been there: your girlfriend didn’t come home last night. In fact it wasn’t until 6am that she rolled her grimy ass back into your apartment at 6am smelling like Bud Light, pussy juice and creamed corn. But when you said, “what were you doing last night?” she made one thing clear: whatever it was she was doing, she wasn’t cheating.

If you’re not sure whether or not to believe her, here are some perfectly valid reasons she might not have come home last night. If one of these reasons is the explanation your girlfriend had for crawling up the stairs of your apartment wearing somebody else’s shirt with a bruise on her neck, then you’re in the clear and your relationship is going really well and you should be more trusting of your girlfriend.

1. She Fell Asleep and Her Phone Was Dead

This happens more often than not, if you can believe it. It’s very common for your sketchy-ass girlfriend to fall into a deep, unshakeable sleep on the floor at a party, on the floor at a bar, or on her (male!!!) best friend’s couch while watching a movie. (Important you know it was her male best friend because your girlfriend is not attracted to men so nothing untoward could’ve happened.) Being in such a deep sleep she also has no idea how she ended up with a stamp on her hand. Even though you called her 15 times, how could she have heard those phone calls when she was asleep, and her phone had died?

2. She Was Too Drunk To Drive and Her Phone Was Dead

Can you really be mad when your girlfriend is actually really responsible and doing the right thing? She knew she was in no condition to drive home, having gotten very drunk during her study session with her buddy from Econ (the buddy is a man, just so you know). She would’ve texted but she couldn’t because her phone was dead, which is also why she missed your calls when you started wondering, hmmm the library closed a long time ago, I wonder where my girlfriend is.

3. She Was JUST TALKING to Sarah Anne in The Parking Lot of Lost & Found

She originally went to go to a karaoke bar, but as she was leaving home, the location changed to Lost & Found. When she was halfway there she got a text message from one of the guys (men) from the pod saying, “Hey, Sarah Anne is out here. Just so you know.” She was going to turn around but then she was like “hey, I’m not gonna let someone else dictate what I do,” and so she went to Lost & Found. Then Sarah Anne walked over and was like, “hi,” and then walked away. Then your girlfriend found out that Sarah Anne was upset about a lot of things, so in order to not make things worse, they hung back to have a conversation. So then she and Sarah Anne were talking in the parking lot of Lost & Found until five in the morning actually. Then she came directly home.

4. She Climbed a Tree to Rescue a Kitten and Her Phone Fell Out of Her Pocket and Smashed on the Ground

Not only is your girlfriend not cheating on you, she’s also a Good Samartian and a good climber. Lucky you!!!!! This also explains why she has leaves in her hair, a bunch of scratches on her back (from sliding down the bark on the tree) and on her front (from the kitten claws).

5. She Had a Really Rough Day and So Did Her Phone

Your girlfriend is going through a really rough time right now and the best thing you can do to support her is not be like the gestapo when she comes home at dawn looking guilty as sin.

6. She is Batwoman

Gotham needs protection from dark forces, and that’s where your girlfriend comes in. Because of superhero rules she actually can’t tell you what she’s doing but rest assured lives are being saved and you don’t have her Batphone number. You shouldn’t press too hard if you think your girlfriend might be Batwoman, because revealing that to you would also put her in danger. Ultimately, she is home now and I think we can all agree that that’s what really matters and she deserves pancakes!!! What a great (hot) girlfriend you have.

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Riese

Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3178 articles for us.

4 Comments

  1. This also explains why she has leaves in her hair, a bunch of scratches on her back (from sliding down the bark on the tree) and on her front (from the kitten claws). XD XD XD

  2. You’re tone of humor in this and all the articles I just read from the past day that you you wrote, including “Am I gay” quiz was really all that I needed in life this evening.

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