5 Things to Keep in Mind Before Seeing “The Witch”

The Witch made its debut last Friday to an audience eager to see how far down the rabbit hole Robert Eggers takes a 17th century Puritanical family in the throes of transition. I was a part of that audience, and to my surprise so were a healthy number of dudes. Not sure what I was expecting there. A sea of women who looked like extras from Ginger Snaps? Well, yes. Anyway, I loved the everything about the movie, but of course I did. I think you will, too! But before you see it, here are some things to consider (don’t worry, no spoilers):

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1. If you’re American, there is going to be at least 5% of the dialogue you 100% don’t understand. I’m usually decent with thick accents and I found myself patching entire scenes together based on context clues. My girlfriend looked over at one point with terror on her face which I thought was related to the subject matter, but instead she whispered: “I haven’t known what they’ve said for ten minutes.”

2. There is a decisive scene in the beginning of the movie that based on the reaction it elicits from you will expose how decent a human being you are. Like if you just watch with a straight face completely unfazed as I did, you are in for an illuminating perspective on your character!

3. Just so all parties have been informed, according to Wikipedia the main character in real life is 19-20 years of age.

4. This again might be specific to American audiences as I’m unsure if other countries’ movie concessions double as carnival buffets, but the soundscape of this movie makes nachos impossible. Please trust me on this. You have maybe three windows of chip opportunity, tops. Popcorn isn’t out of the question, but I wouldn’t say it’s ideal. Anything with a wrapper or a crunch is going to be an excruciating experience for everyone. You’d do best with a pretzel.

5. The Satanic Temple has fully endorsed this movie, so this isn’t a date movie per se but it’s also not not a date movie.

Now, go forth. Don’t read any reviews. Fare thee well, my kittens.

Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 205 articles for us.

29 Comments

  1. I love, love, love this movie! There’s a very good chance it will end up being my favorite of the year. Unfortunately the audience I saw it with was super obnoxious, but still. This movie is so good. I can’t get it out of my head.

    And I definitely agree about the snacking situation. I wish some of the audience members I saw it with had been warned. It sounded like someone behind us brought a trash bag full of snacks.

  2. Erin I wish you ran a website that just categorized which snacks are appropriate for which movies. e.g. “Eating anything for the middle 40 minutes of the film will really throw off your groove.” The people want to know!!

  3. man, the guttural basso profondo vocals of the dad made it 1. incredibly harrowing + magnificent and 2. about 250% harder to discern what was being said on top of his thick accent.

    super cool film tho; I got to meet Robert Eggers and the lead actress Anya Taylor-Joy at a screening and they were both very nice. Anya also looked VERY young in person so at various points during the film I felt super uneasy and sweated a lot until I googled her age lol

  4. YAAAAS! This actually DOES sound like the perfect date movie for my girlfriend and I. She’s a Slytherin, and we’re both witches, and just so you have an idea of her taste, her favorite movie is Silence of the Lambs.

  5. I went to see this with my boyfriend thinking it was a scary movie. And it was actually really awkward for us to watch. We would’ve left if we hadn’t already paid for the movie. The movie was so confusing and we decided it’s the worst movie we’ve ever seen.

  6. I LOVED this film – I’ve seen it twice in one week and intend to see it again before it leaves the theaters in our area. The large screen and big sound system is really the only way to see it. It seems to have an incredibly polarizing effect on the audiences I’ve been in the theater with. The first time, when the house lights came up, half the people were silent and had dazed looks on their faces, as if they’d just witnessed something life changing, something they might not should have exposed themselves to. And the other half were mumbling things like “that was awful.” One guy actually YELLED out the words “that SUCKED!!!”
    I’m still trying to figure out what the decisive scene is you say will will speak about my decency as a human. I *think* I know, but I won’t give it away here. And YES, I too wish people would stop with the unwrapping of plastic covered candies and eating nachos during quiet parts of movies. And MANY parts of this movie are very quiet. The last time I saw it (yesterday) the huge A/C unit in the ceiling of the theater turned on and made a faint hum in the background for the entire film. It was incredibly distracting. That’s why I have decided to see it one last time next week in a different location, very early in the day, and hope I’m the only person in the cinema.

      • A lot of the people in the audience when I saw it had the same reaction. The girl sitting behind me whispered, “This is stupid,” and “This is weird,” several times throughout the movie and at some point said, “I want to leave, but I want to see if it gets better.” I really just wanted to turn around and tell her, “You should really just leave.”

        And then there was a lot of grumbling going on when the movie ended and I think someone said, “You gotta be kidding me.”

        I guess some people were expecting like a typical action-packed horror movie full of jump-scares and stuff. But anyway, I plan on trying to go see it again, hopefully with a smaller audience this time.

  7. I thought about asking a certain someone to join me in watching this film. I’m a huge horror buff but lately, these types of films are just incredibly predictable and make me laugh instead of scare. (the last ~horror movie I payed to see was “The Ring” and I laughed out loud when I shouldn’t have. I may or may also not have been drunk during, but still).

    Anyway – my question from watching the trailer: can anyone who has seen the movie let me know if they show any animal(s) getting hurt/killed? Cuz I can’t with that shit. 🙁

  8. I’m totally stuck on the scene. Was it when Caleb looks at her boobs? Cuz, you know, right there with you buddy. Or is it when the dad tells the women to stop bickering? Help! It’s making me crazy!

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