5 Sexual Moves That Will Have Her Asking, “Shane?”

It’s hard to come out later in life and feel that you are behind and missed some key formative gay experiences. It’s even harder when your primary understanding of what it means to be a sexually attractive masculine lesbian is “to be Shane McCutcheon from The L Word (2004-2009).” But if you want to banish your fears and really kill it on the elder millennial dating scene, you’re absolutely right that there is no better way to do so than to embody legendary lothario and primary sexual event, Shane McCutcheon.

1. Lean In

If you haven’t read the seminal women’s business book “Lean In,” then let me summarize it: get your husband to do more chores and then you can be a pregnant at work and #girlboss. But when Shane leans in she swoops, so what I mean is you do a little dip, and then you come up towards your partner like a swan emerging from swan lake. Even if she’s shorter than you you have to find a reason to come up, and then you kind of push her forward with your mouth like you know who’s #girlboss. Any insecurities you have about your sexual experiences or abilities will vanish as her lips part and she goes, “Shane?”

2. Get Her Wet

First get drunk and then swim around in the ocean with all your clothes on, and then when you are dripping in seaweed and smell like marine life and broken promises, crawl on top of your partner, do a line of coke off a silver platter, and then just see what happens next. This way you can disassociate from the event and feel hot and sexy instead of like you are committing the mortal sin you have always feared one day succumbing to.

3. Smile Like She’s Irresistible

You might be too insecure to notice the aggressive flirting being hurled in your direction, but do you think Shane ever missed a flirt? Of course not!!! And that confidence is echoed in all of her sexual performances. When things begin to heat up, Shane is always smiling in this very specific knowing way. You can smile too when you think to yourself “of course I am about to bang this hottie, it was inevitable because I cannot resist her siren song, and it’s actually almost funny how inevitable this is and how hot this person is” and then smile like that while you sort of graze her bottom lip. Every time you remove a piece of clothing you should smile again until you are almost laughing. Lol, the life of Shane, a totally confident, secure and attractive lesbian who knows EXACTLY what she’s doing with her fingers!!!!

4. Play “Shane and Carmen Fucking”

Sure, you could play Sylvan Esso or Rihanna or “What Might Have Been” by Little Texas or Mozart to set the mood, but nothing will get you in the headspace of being Shane like listening to “Shane and Carmen” by EZ Girl. It goes like this:

Love love love love
Love love love love
Girls
The way that we live
Kissing kissing kissing
Kissing kissing kissing
Kissing kissing kissing
Kissing kissing kissing
Kissing kissing kissing
Kissing kissing kissing
Fuh-fuh-fuh-fucking-fucking-fucking
Fuh-fuh-fuh-fucking-fucking-fucking
Fuh-fuh-fuh-fucking-fucking-fucking
Girls
Girls
Fuh-fuh-fuh-fucking-fucking-fucking


Spoken interlude: Folks I don’t want any talking in here alright? What is going on? Can somebody get me a 20 on Shane? Bob, go to two for me. Yeah well that’s because I called final touches five minutes ago so where’s hair??

Fuh-fuh-fuh-fucking-fucking-fucking
Fuh-fuh-fuh-fucking-fucking-fucking

5. Leave

Do you think you are falling in love but you feel terrified about actual emotional vulnerability and you are unsure if you’re ready to tell your grandma that you have a girlfriend? Well, try the most classic “Shane” move of all and LEAVE!! Wam bam thank you ma’am!!! After sex, start putting your shirt back on. When she asks, “where are you going?” tell her that you are going out. Where is out? That’s none of her business!!!!!! You’re a woman of the night and you are in high demand. Don’t worry, she’ll still be interested in you, just like everyone was still interested in Shane, because you are so hot. Good luck out there!

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Riese

Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3181 articles for us.

6 Comments

  1. I clicked on the link in #4 only to discover to my delight the existence of “Shane and Carmen – Extended Remix” which is 4 minutes and 11 seconds long. Thanks for helping me plan my next date night!

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