37 Extremely Important Questions You Must Answer Before Getting Married Or You’re Doomed

It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of so much marriage equality. Maybe you became so overwhelmed with joy and pride these past couple of weeks, that you enthusiastically proposed to your partner in the middle of the dyke march. But before rushing down the aisle towards marital bliss, there are a few things you should probably learn about your lover.

You’ve probably seen articles to this effect being shared on social media by your smug married friends, like Absolutely Do Not Marry Your Partner Unless You Know The Answers To These Extremely Important Questions. And some are fair, you probably should have a little chat to see whether you both want children and how far you’d be willing to move for your partner’s career. SURE. I guess. But I can’t help feeling there are so many other questions to be asked which are equally important, if not moreso, when it comes to managing marital expectations.

Questions to ask your partner before asking The Question

1. How far out of your way would you travel to bring me home a burrito?

2. What is the maximum number of cats you’re comfortable with owning at one time?

3. Do you agree that our pets should not be allowed in the bedroom while we’re sleeping and/or sexing?

4. When we’re down to the last $12 for the week, will you buy apples or cheesecake?

5. What is your stance on Halloween couple costumes?

6. How far out of your way would you travel to bring me home a burrito if I’m having a really terrible day?

7. Jenny Schecter: entertaining or irritating?

8. How many holidays per year are you prepared to spend with my grandmother in Florida?

9. Are multiple appetizers an acceptable substitute for an entree?

10. If our future child/ren refused to eat the meal we served them, how would you respond?

11. Will you expect me to text you as frequently once we’re married?

12. Who do you believe should control the music on road trips?

13. Blue and black, or white and gold?

14. How many times per week/month can I do a solo and/or friend activity without inviting you?

15. What level of communication and/or friendship is acceptable with regard to our exes?

16. What time/day is the best time/day to go grocery shopping?

17. Are there any theme parks that you would absolutely never want to vacation to?

18. Cram five days of clothes into carry-on, or pay $25 for checked luggage?

19. What is your stance on reading each others’ texts and emails over each others’ shoulders?

20. What is the maximum amount of time that in-laws can stay under our roof?

21. Will you always expect me to be the one who carries cash in our marriage?

22. Will you just finish the damn ice cream before buying and opening a new tub?

23. What are your precise expectations re: the level of gift-giving, surprising and romance on our wedding anniversary?

24. Will you expect me to stop [bad habit] once we’re married?

25. At what level does the gas tank need to be filled up?

26. How do you feel about me keeping items from past relationships, e.g. jewelry, photos?

27. What is your stance on having a conversation while one of us is using the bathroom?

28. Who is responsible for insect removal?

29. What is your stance on engagement photos?

30. Will you allow me to name our future cat after a Harry Potter reference?

31. Are there any TV shows that I absolutely must not watch until you get home?

32. What level of social media exposure are you comfortable with?

33. Does the cutlery get placed into the dishwasher handle up or handle down?

34. How many hours early should you arrive at the airport prior to a domestic flight?

35. Do you think it’s ok to buy the giant size mayonnaise container that will last forever and force you to put your entire hand inside the jar to get to the bottom of it six months from now? Or do you think it’s an all-around better plan to buy the very small container of mayonnaise that will run out in a very reasonable amount of time and won’t require you to be elbow-deep in mayonnaise?

36. If/when you wear an item of my clothing, how promptly will you launder it so that I can have it back?

37. When you need to order food for both of us, but I’m not available to tell you my preferences, what will you order?

This is by no means the comprehensive list. Add yours in the comments to help ensure that we all live happily ever after.

Crystal is a 33-year-old Australian living in Chicago. Founding member, does HR stuff, writes now and then.

Crystal has written 329 articles for us.