27 Things That Exude More Positive Energy Than Hope Hicks Thinks Donald Trump Does

Today, White House spokesperson Hope Hicks went high-key extra by distributing a press release dedicated entirely to praising the positive energy that radiates around the bag of gas and lies we know familiarly as “The President of the United States,” reading:

President Trump has a magnetic personality and exudes positive energy, which is infectious to those around him. He has an unparalleled ability to communicate with people, whether he is speaking to a room of three or an arena of 30,000. He has built great relationships throughout his life and treats everyone with respect. He is brilliant with a great sense of humor . . . and an amazing ability to make people feel special and aspire to be more than even they thought possible.

27 Concepts or Things That Exude More Positive Energy Than Donald Trump

1. A Black Hole

I used to really like the song “Black Hole Sun” by Soundgarden, but the frontman of Soundgarden died while we were at A-Camp.

2. These wet rocks

3. This empty bag

oops I guess we left the marinara sauce and the pasta at the store again

4. This trash can

Even if this trash can still had bloody tampons in it, it would still exude more positive energy than Donald Trump.

5. A colonoscopy

fun!

6. Your homophobic uncle

“Just don’t rub it in my face,” he pleads as you continue to exist

7. This face our friend Carly made last week

8. Season Six of The L Word

9. Bacterial Vaginosis

Of course you are!

10. Skins Fire and/or Getting a Skin Graft

This picture works for both

11. A Wormhole

Byeeeeeee

12. A Tapeworm

Here, it’s candy

13. When they list the side effects in a commercial for Chantix

Some people had their husbands leave them, but out the back door instead of out the front door, which was confusing

14. “The Gentlemen” from Buffy

This might actually be a picture of the Trump Administration’s inner circle, TBD

15. The Hellmouth from Buffy

bye!

16. The first of week of Whole 30

Already hates advocados

17. When someone insists you stop everything to watch a youtube video they like, and then when you do it won’t load, and then when it does it’s not funny

18. Black mold

19. When you try to download a picture of Black Mold from Shutterstock and find out somebody on your team has already downloaded this same picture of black mold from Shutterstock at some other time for some other undoubtedly dark reason

20. When this video is not available in your country

:-/

21. The Menstrual Cycle

22. Google image searching “baby seal clubbing”

Don’t do it

23. Soup Made of Salsa and Warm Water

“Which honestly is a revelation i wish i could’ve had when i was at my poorest in my early 20s” – Laneia, Executive Editor of Autostraddle.com

24. Debs

just this trip?

25. The last three pages of “The Well of Loneliness”

Trigger Warning:

26. “Not to be that person, but…”

BYE

27. Five Signs You’re Holding On To Negative Energy

Sign #1: You Had Secret Meetings With Russia

The has written 44 articles for us.

31 Comments

  1. This was 27 too long. What a bland, trite article. Trump serves up some easy fodder; you have to do the bare minimum to find humor in it. Unfortunately, whoever wrote this FAILED.

  2. all i keep hearing in my head is trump trying his best to ridicule terrorists and all he can come up with is, ” loser.” He even paused at one point before saying it, all dramatical and such

    baby seal clubbing, damn ya’ll went there and yet it fits

  3. that whole list was amazing. and since for some reason my “make america kittens again” chrome extension deemed all of the photos in the post too-likely-to-be-tr*mp-related, all the pics were of various adorable kittens, so the post exuded so much literal joy.

    some of the kittehz also fit the title/captions really well FOR EXAMPLE

  4. The guy is such a dick that he got petty and excluded Sean Spicer from seeing the pope. Even the press corps felt sorry for him. Donald is basically a spoiled have it all manchild who picks on everyone around him cause Daddy gave him everything.

  5. “President Trump has a magnetic personality and exudes positive energy, which is infectious to those around him.”
    –> One of the few times even the Germans are genuinely laughing at a joke well made and timed.

    • “They stole the voices of every inhabitant upon arrival in a new town through a magical box. This forced silence had the added benefit that none of their victims were able to scream for help as the Gentlemen cut their hearts from their still-living bodies.”

      Yup. Still better than tr*mp.

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