Welcome to the Teen Choice Awards! The only awards show where most of the awards are casually mentioned instead of announced formally, will.i.am is the show DJ and the camera exclusively pans to Selena Gomez sitting with Justin Bieber.
THIS IS GOOD PR FOR GAY RIGHTS
I’m here to talk about them because… um… I was watching them anyways. Penny from Big Bang Theory (Kaley Cuoco) hosted, which was awesome for me because I’m a giant nerd and Big Bang Theory is my fourth favorite show.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA PLAY PING PONG ON NETWORK TV FOR NO REASON
The Teen Choice Awards are pretty long, but I’ll do my best to cover the gay/funny/awesome parts. This article is a little random and fragmented, but that’s okay because the Teen Choice Awards are a little random and fragmented. That’s probably because there are like 82 awards and they only announce 10 seemingly random ones.
First up, Ashton Kutcher accepted his award for Actor in a Romantic Comedy for No Strings Attached dressed like Sam Ronson.
Choice Comedian went to Ellen, which is a Big Fucking Deal because as it turns out, some women are really funny. A fact everyone seems to forget. Well, apparently Ellen is funnier than Daniel Tosh. Also, she dressed Exactly Like the Biebster. Twins.
I COULDN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP IF I TRIED
At some point you have to start wondering if Bieber is doing this intentionally. Also, his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, performed with her band, “The Scene.” We have a Scene too. I wonder if it’s the same one…
SPIDER-WOMAN
I’m just going to show you the notes I took while her performance was going on:
Yo. I love Selena’s veil. Just like Hanna’s on PLL. I’ve never heard this song before. She has her own latin danc OMG JUSTIN BIEBER DANCES LIKE A LESBIAN.
http://youtu.be/McWe60MoPYo
It could also be that this is just how all Canadians dance.
Moving along, Ed Helms won Choice Hissy Fit in a movie. He thanked all the teens for buying tickets to Kung-Foo Panda and sneaking in to The Hangover Part II. It was pretty much the funniest joke of the night. I feel like he’s dressed in really cute lesbian workwear.
I need to stop saying that. Obviously, I think only people who wear sweaters over button-ups are lesbians. Like this guy from Twilight who won Movie Scene Stealer.
SWEATERS OVER BUTTON UPS ARE A THING
Guess who won for Choice TV Comedy: GLEEEEEE. Rachel wasn’t there, probably because she found out her spin-off shelved and was home crying about it (like me). Also our favorite male identified lesbian won for Choice Actor in a Comedy. Darren Criss also won for breakout star! Gay wins! Darren is shorter than I thought he would be. That’s okay. Everyone needs to look at Artie’s outfit right now.
WHERE IS KURT?! GIVE ME KURT!
Then they showed an ad– I mean a Sneak Peek– of the new Glee 3D movie. Heather Morris says in it that she would shave her head to be a Warbler. Win.
Taylor Swift won the TCA‘s version of a lifetime achievement award– THE ULTIMATE CHOICE AWARD. Emma Stone presented it. Emma Stone is so hot I can’t even handle it. She and Taylor both wore white because white is so hot this season/they wanted to show us what their lesbian wedding would be like. Does Taylor Swift remind anyone else of Jessica from True Blood?
HERE COME THE BRIDES
In other news, Demi Lovato is back on top. Basically she won an award for inspiring young girls by joining the Love is Louder Than the Pressure to Be Perfect Campaign and through her song, “Skyscraper.” The presenters even openly said she sought help for depression and an eating disorder this past year. Usually people use euphemisms like “tough times” and “poor self-image.” I think the Teen Choice Awards decision to be honest and upfront about serious issues that affect tons of women is commendable.
SHE'S HUNCHED OVER BECAUSE THE MIC IS SET FOR SUNNI FROM GLEE
I don’t know if it’s the lighting, but she looks like she’s glowing to me.
To follow, Tyra Banks reminded us that the winner of America’s Next Top Model is Tyra Banks by talking about what a hard year Demi must have had and by repeating her message about loving yourself. Guys, Tyra can see your beauty. Don’t worry, it totally wasn’t a downer though– she completely smized the whole time.
At this point the show was getting a little slow, so obviously it was time for the Biebster to win Choice Male Artist. He was still dressed like Ellen. He and Sean Kingston hugged and it was adorable.
I SEE LONDON I SEE FRANCE
Okay. You guys aren’t going to believe this, but there is actually an award for Choice Vampire. I’m serious. This is real. But Pam wasn’t even on the list! What gives? R.Pat won, of course, but there was actually a positive message in here somewhere. The award was sponsored by the Cancer Bites Campaign starting this fall. Cancer Bites is a campaign that brings together actors who play vampires to raise money for and bring awareness to blood cancers. Blood cancers are the most common types of cancer in those under 18, so a lot of you should care about this (if you are under 18/have a child/know someone under 18/have a heart).
I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED THIS BE KRISTEN STEWART OR KRISTIN BAUER
Speaking of R.Pat, he also won for Choice Actor in a Drama for Water for Elephants over Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network. You might remember Jesse Eisenberg from when he was nominated for an Oscar for that role.
UNFORTUNATELY NOT THE TEEN CHOICE AWARDS
For the finale, the TCA ran a goodbye montage for Harry Potter. I cried. The end of Harry Potter brings up a lot of emotions for me and I don’t understand why they needed to sully such a beautiful night with something so sad.
At this point I realized the show was actually over without Pretty Little Liars winning anything. Obviously I was pretty upset. In truth, The Morning After on Hulu summed it up pretty well:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/266285/the-morning-after-teen-choice-awards-speed-cap
In conclusion, light on the homogay content, heavy on the Bieber. Ron rules.
tom and rupert would make the sweetest couple.
I don’t get the surfboards… Am I missing something here? Seriously, you can put a little statuette on your mantlepiece, not a frickin’ surfboard. These awards seem silly.
Every time I see photos of the celebs awkwardly trying to balance/hold on to/lean again/accept a surfboard I just bust out laughing. It’s too stupid.
Every year I wonder if a winner has ever knocked back a few Caronas, put on a wetsuit and tried to actually use the goddamn thing for it’s actual purpose.
I mean, what else are you going to do with it other than shove it in a closet?
The idea of Ellen/Justin Bieber/Darren Criss/whoever else in a wetsuit, trying to surf on their Teen Choice Awardboard while everyone else looks on sceptically, makes me feel warm and a bit fuzzy.
When I was writing this article, I was on the Teen Choice Awards website and they said the surfboard represents the freedom of summer vacation for teens.
ohhhhh, well then that makes sense actually.
i thought it had something to do with shark week.
Isn’t that Emma Stone, not Joss Stone, giving the award to Taylor Swift?
Great article, but I think you wrote Joss Stone when you meant Emma Stone.
I just fixed the Emma / Joss confusion.
Ouch. My bad.
You were close; I couldn’t tell you who any of these people are. Joss Stone? Emma Stone? Emma Pillsbury? Who the fuck knows.
I actually really like Emma Stone, I think I just wrote it wrong once and then kept writing it wrong from then on. The human brain is so weird.
What are your top 3 favorite shows?
Gossip Girl, Glee, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars. I know that’s four.
Is it weird that I love you for listing Gossip Girl as on of your top three TV shows? Because I do. Nobody even watches it anymore because of how ridiculous it’s gotten, but I refuse to leave it.
Also I might be a little bit in love with Blake Lively.
Noooooo. Leighton Meester Leighton Meester Leighton Meester!!!
Those are my exact favourite shows too! Even though Gossip Girl went off the rails a long time ago. I’m starting to think you’re the perfect woman, Lizz.
Also I might be a little bit in love with Leighton Meester.
!!! Same. <3 All. Also in love with Leighton Meester.
Gossip girl got a lil ridic mid last season, but I held on. I clap my hands like a giddy 10 year old girl getting a unicorn for her b-day when Gossip girls first starts. I get all into it too and talk loudly to the TV.
I was just like, fighting with the TV when Blair/Dan didn't happen (Dair?) THAT CHEMISTRY WAS AMAZING AND THEY SNUFFED IT OUT.
I could watch a whole season of those two beating around the bush. Eff the prince.
I know. When Blair and Dan didn’t happen I almost lost my shit. I’m actually still a little angry about it because I’m a big blair and chuck fan, but obviously their relationship had to end to keep the plotlines going. Plus, dan and serena can’t be in to each other. They just can’t– they’re step siblings.
Also Blake Lively was at the TCA wearing a bright orange dress, but she owned it.
I also really like Pawn Stars
Loved this review. And yes all canadians dance like Beiber. And dykes too. I never realized that til you pointed that out!
holy crap! i haven’t seen/heard of devon sawa in ages!!…oh wait nevermind – that’s the kid from harry potter.
^what just happened in my mind.
dude… what DID happen to devon sawa?
remember when he was “such a hottie” in casper? bahaha. (/christina ricci) ;)
I’m glad I’m not the only one stupidly in love with Emma Stone. So stupidly stupidly hot
Right? She’s so hot I forgot her name.
She is 150% hot. The extra 50% comes from her smexy voice.
why is an actor in a movie entirely about sex winning an award at a teen awards show? does this weird anyone else out?
I thought the exact same thing but I thought I would sound prude/uptight if I said so!
glad to know i’m not alone! :)
Bieber’s dancing and mouthing of the lyrics made me feel awkward inside. I’m still not sure why. That was beyond weird.
I’m really not a fan of his music but with his new hair cut… he’s kind of adorable for a boy.
Yeah… I want all his clothes, too. DAMNIT BEIBER.
The video of Bieber made my day. I’ve watched it five times and it still makes me laugh.
I was glad to hear the part about how they were honest about Demi Lovato, and that she won the award. She’s awesome (and totally hot).
And I enjoyed your recap! It was ten times better than what I imagine the Teen Choice Awards to be like.
I know, it’s the most amazing video ever. I tried to capture the moment in, like, a picture montage but it just didn’t capture the amazingness.
It’s like they’re normal high school students and she’s singing at their school’s battle of the bands.
DAMN Kaley Cuoco looks HOT.
For some reason, whenever I read Demi Lovato’s name it turns into “Debbie Novotny”.
Surf’s up!
hi can someone frame that photo of tyra for me? thanks.
“THIS IS GOOD PR FOR GAY RIGHTS” under the GoBiebs photo set. I die!
I’m so glad someone caught that.
OMG Taylor Swift cannot even hold a candle to the hotness that is Jessica on True Blood, don’t even play like that
I think the people beside Bieber are scared of his dancing.
i love u justin bieber
i love u justin but selena didnt match u meily is perfect for u i m jyoti from india