The recent third season of hilarious musical comedy series Girls5eva — its first since moving from Peacock to Netflix — might just be its best. The performances across the board are fantastic (we as a society should be delivering a whole wheelbarrow of awards on the doorstep of Renée Elise Goldsberry, who delivers some of the most delightful line readings on television). And the wacky bits — especially when poking fun at the absurdity of fame, the music industry, and the film/television industry — ratchet up over the course of the tight six episodes, making for a deliriously high jokes per minute rate. I highly recommend watching all six in one sitting and then going back to season one and watching the entire series again. You’ll probably catch jokes you may have missed the first time, especially visual gags!
My favorite recurring bit from season three, naturally, is the gayest one: Gloria’s (Paula Pell) quest to hook up with “all 178 types of woman” while on tour. She has a spreadsheet detailing exactly what all those 178 types of woman are as well as metrics for scoring them, including categories like: Cuddling, Regarding, Gardening, Blasting, Sense of Humor, Parking, Nipple Play, Nice to Waiters, and Chemistry. In the first episode of the season, Gloria’s spreadsheet of 178 types of women briefly appears on screen, and my wife immediately said I need to know everything on that list.
Now, as an obliging and dutiful wife, I had to deliver! I meticulously screenshot the scene so I could read the list out loud to her. Unfortunately, not all 178 types of women appear on screen, but at least 24 do! And I think it’s unfair to hoard this important information from the lesbian masses, so using those screenshots as well as additional mentions of Gloria’s types of women throughout the season, I’m here to present 26 of the 178 types of women according to Gloria from Girls5eva. Buckle up!
1. Short Peg Bundy
2. Great Listener (with big tits)
3. Great Listener (with big ass)
4. Corn-Fed Xena
5. Butcheress
6. Tatted-Up Cheesemonger
7. Classically Hot, Like She’d Die First in a Horror Movie
8. Mysteriously Hot, Like She’d Die Last in a Horror Movie
9. Sequestered Juror
10. Pilot
11. Uber Driver
12. Uber Pool Driver
13. Susan Saran-dom1
14. Tár
15. Old Cara Delevingne
16. QLC (Quarter-Life Crisis)
17. Fencer (sport)
18. Fencer (fences)
19. Incorrectly Sorted H*fflep*ff2
20. Pre-Friends Courteney Cox-type
21. During Friends Courteney Cox-type
22. Post-Friends Courteney Cox-type
23. Femme Mr. Peanut3
24. A “Mary Louise” (the most common first and middle name in the U.S.)
25. Female Popeye
26. Cigar Mommi
1. This might be my personal fav
2. Censoring of TERF pop culture ref my own
3. Where’s THIS viral marketing campaign
Now, let’s theorize what the remaining 152 types of women might be, shall we?
27 – human version of Ursula in Disney’s Little Mermaid
i’m so proud
Okay, if there’s great listener with big tits and great listener with big ass, surely there must also be great listener with big tits AND big ass, as well as great listener with small tits and ass?
Female Popeye was my favourite – the pipe did it for me
Autostraddle needs to do some hard-hitting investigative reporting and reach out to Janine Brito for the rest of the list. THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW.
After staring at myself for 2.5 hours in a Zoom meeting this afternoon, I totally get Femme Mr. Peanut. At any rate, it affirms my secret desire to get a monocle.
So funny what terf shit I jus see tits
as a gay woman tho oi it couldn’t help but wonder why she was always going for women half her age.. it was off putting despite it being gay. id say the same about some 60 yo man going for 20-30’s year olds. anyone have the same thought?