Listling Without Commentary: Very Unsexy Things We’ve Said Or Heard During Sex

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Crowdsourced from Team Autostraddle. Share your own in the comments.

1. “You’re like my little fetus.”

2. “See, I told you your boobs were bigger than mine.”

3. “Hepatitis.”
(in a “husky voice”)

4. “Write to me, Stick Stickly, PO Box 963, New York City, New York State, 10108.”

5. “Are you crying?”
(Twice.)

6. “I think your cat’s on the bed.”
“Oh, don’t worry. He watches me masturbate all the time.”

7. “I’m A LADY!”
(in a British accent)

8. “It’s OK, the cat’s inside the bed.”

9. “Come up here and kiss me because I have to fart.”

10. “Have you gotten that mole checked out?”

11. “I feel like I should be saying something sexy right now, but all I can think of are dinosaur facts.”

12. “You’re standing on my hair.”

13. “CIRCLES, PAPI!”

14. “Are we still doing the thing where we pretend like you’re a top”

15. “Womp WOMP.”

16. “I think the problem here is that you’re gay.”


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Geekery Editor for Autostraddle, Part-time Faculty at The New School (teaching digital storytelling), Managing Editor for Scholar & Feminist Online at Barnard Center for Research On Women. Follow me on Twitter @AEOsworth or on Instagram, also @AEOsworth.

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135 Comments

  1. 0

    A bit more crowdsourcing from me and my favourite people:

    “Get off, I’m pretty much done anyway.”

    “You have all the same parts as me!”

    “Just stop. I need to pee.”

    “Have you showered? It smells like candy corn down here.”

  2. 0

    “Oh my god, you’re like a cherub”, upon seeing me naked for the first time. My response was “I look like a fat, flying baby?”. Smooth.

  3. 0

    Actual thing that was said to me last time, out of the blue, right in the middle of the action : (Context, there is a murder investigation happening in our area)

    “Hey you know that girl they found by the river?”

    “…yeah?”

    “They found corn flakes inside her vagina.”

    “Holy shit that’s horrible!! But why are we talking about this right this moment?”

    “Yeah, they’re looking for a serial (cereal) killer. LOLLZZZ”

    “…”

    Super hot.

  4. 0

    The worst is when one of you just starts to laugh and your neck just cramps up. “My neck! I cant move it!”

    “How do we do this?”

    “My hair is caught in your watch”

    “Ouch, i think you missed”

  5. 0

    People are so funny. I don’t think anyone has ever said anything too “unsexy” while having sex. Now, funny injuries during sex are a whole’nother story. That is something I bet y’all could write a listling about.

    • 0

      I agree, it’s not the unsexy words…it’s the potential for injury due to extreme excitement!

      My gf and I agree that preventing injury (hitting my head against the headboard, she’s fallen off, and one time her hair was on FIRE!) is the true meaning of safe sex

    • 0

      I’d gladly contribute to that listling. LOL
      Also, this is one of the funniest listling ever and I love it so much that I laughed out loud shamelessly in the office. Yup, read this while at work. Teehee.

  6. 0

    “That’s not my v-hole, but I’m OK with it.”

    One time, a one night stand made animal noises including: cow moos, sheep baa baas, goat bleets, dog barks, and cat meows.

  7. 0

    I disagree with #11 being on the list, but that may just be me 😛

    I could go on forever about the unsexy things that people have said to me online while trying to dirty talk, but I’ll stick to the in-the-moment ones:

    “I’m going to suck your breasts so hard you’ll be lactating for a week.”

    “Your breasts hang low like my mom’s”

    “Is it supposed to look like that?”

    “…women can orgasm?!”

  8. 0

    All of mine are hair related. #QueerJewProblems

    “Your hair is sweaty. Do you want to go shower?”

    “It’s really stuck, I think we have to cut it” [out of her cuff link]. *tearsfor days

    “Do you think they have tooth picks downstairs?”

  9. 0

    2 wouldn’t bother me (maybe because I’m accustomed to getting comments on my boobs). 6 and 7 are hot!

    I met a lady on okcupid who was in an open marriage with a man. She showed up for our date with her husband, which was strange enough for me. She had a small athletic body and I am “fluffy.” While we undressed, she whispered something like, “Your body is different from mine. I like it.”

    Later, I wasn’t surprised when she confessed that she’d never hooked up with a woman before.

  10. 0

    I remember saying:

    “Two knees means you have to take your pants off! That’s how we do it in England!”

    After my (now ex) girlfriend accidentally kneed me in the crotch TWICE.

  11. 0

    I didn’t say it, but I heard an old roommate of mines shout “your mom blessed you with a bomb ass, pussy. One blood.” A few curse words and then as she was leaving the dorm, “damn your momma blessed you.”

  12. 0

    My late friend D and I met at a friend’s Star Trek viewing party. I accidentally embarrassed a mutual friend, so she decided to tell D that “you can say anything to Rie in a sexy enough voice and she’ll blush and giggle.”

    D sidled up to me and started talking about digging up my grandmother and filling her with pastrami and mustard.

    …yes she had a very sexy voice. Yes, I blushed and giggled.

  13. 0

    “I have ab-so-lutely no idea what I am doing!”

    It was me. It was recently. And I was very drunk.

    “You’re really boney” is one I’ve heard more than once and from more than one person.

  14. 0

    I learned the hard way that most people don’t enjoy hearing science facts during sex. Even when the fact is completely relevant to the situation! Oops.

  15. 0

    I one lost a ring inside of a girl. I had to get a flashlight, shortening, and her smallest vibrator. I have to go elbows deep to fish it out.

  16. 0

    “pretend its…its a pot of chili. stir it. stir it. watch it, the bottom’s gonna burn. yes. perfect. peeeeerrrrfeeect.”

    “you taste like candy. no. sweet tea. like super sweet tea.”

    (while i am going down)
    “have you ever seen a hoohah and then just been like, no”

    “oh my god your nipples are so tiny! can you even feel this?”

    they’re not that small…..

  17. 0

    The only appropriate reaction to #11 is to let your eyes get all misty and then say softly to her, “They’re moving in herds… they *do* move in herds”.

    and then recommence the sex

  18. 0

    “i think i’m getting sick”
    “you know i’m a girl, right?”
    “ho, you’re in my bed!”
    “it was sexy at first, but would it be easy to say that in english now?”
    “i think your housemate is creeping through the window?”

    the joys of drunken sex

  19. 0

    -“You better not regret this later”

    -“I bet you turn out to be a lesbian,’cause you’re into this stuff” While with a girl I had been hooking up with for a couple of years (we were both so in denial we didn’t even know we were in the closet).

    “Oh Gabriel!” My name is not Gabriel.

    -“Now me again”

  20. 0

    “I just really wish you had boobs.” Blurted out unexpectedly by me, to a man.

    The great part is that it still took me another two years to realize I was gay.

  21. 0

    My gf made the mistake of asking me what one thing I loved about our relationship was. Being the academic queer feminist nut job I am, I answered honestly and said

    “The balanced power dichotomy we have.”

    Big mistake bc she bust out laughing. That was over 6 months ago and I still haven’t lived it down.

  22. 0

    “I think I just swallowed part of your nipple ring.”

    “Please tell me you have a cat.” (after something heavy suddenly landed on my back.)

  23. 0

    Boyfriend said something in German for pillow talk after the first time we slept together. I laughed and asked what he said…he very quietly replies “we must eradicate the Jews”

  24. 0

    Oh, #11 also reminds me of the one lesbian dinosaur joke I know: “What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopuss.”

    I’ll show myself out.

    • 0

      This is my favourite dinosaur joke. I remember exactly where I was when one of my first gay lady buddies told me it. For ages instead of saying hey she’d just sneak up to me and say “Lickalotapuss” in my ear.

      • 0

        The first time I ever heard it was at band camp my senior year of high school. I even have a picture of the group reaction when my friend told it. God, we were a skeezy bunch.

  25. 0

    No 7!

    What’s wrong with a British accent? *hyperventilates*

    Although, what exactly is a British accent? Do you mean upper class? Received pronunciation?

    ‘Cause 90%+ of British people don’t talk like that. Including me.

  26. 0

    “Are you going to come at all, or is this just a waste of time?”

    “Your tits are two different sizes! Is that normal?” (Yes it is. Don’t look so nervous, it’s not contagious.)

    “I hate it when you’re on top. Everything wobbles.” (From the very first person I ever slept with. I have never been able to unhear this. That’s what I get for sleeping with a guy, I guess.)

  27. 0

    remember when i thought i hadn’t actually said anything unsexy in bed ever because i am the smoothest talker of all time?

    i just remembered that time i had to stop having sex because i kept thinking of gross lines from fifty shades of grey, which i had just hate-read, and it was killing my everything.

    “what’s wrong?”
    “HE GENTLY PLACES HIS ERECTION AT THE ENTRANCE TO MY SEX.”
    “OH GODDDDD.”

    and then we had to both lie there and judge ourselves harshly for about ten minutes. this was mostly e.l. james’ fault.

  28. 0

    Ugh. I’m the worst at saying unsexy things during sex.

    Every so often, random things pop into my head (usually during foreplay) and I either start giggling or make a comment.

    Unfortunately, a few times we’ve had sex not long after discussing exes. Seems mentioning your partners ex in any manner during sex is a no go.

  29. 0

    Oh god, I remembered another one.
    “I can’t. You’ve beat me. I can’t do it. You’re taking ages and I think my jaw just cracked. I give up”.

  30. 0

    i’m laughing so hard i can’t breathe. not just the original list (NUMBER 11), but the comments (“THEY MOVE IN HERDS” NEARLY KILLED ME FROM LACK OF AIR). asdfghjkjkl;

  31. 0

    Not as hilarious as the majority of these (omg the dinosaurs herds one) but here goes:

    “You didn’t shave your legs right.” (as in correctly, to his standards) in the middle of sex, followed by

    “don’t go falling in love with me now!” – after sex.

    To which I said, “get out”. He laughed. Only, I wasn’t joking.

  32. 0

    My Feelings about the particular sketch referenced aside, if anyone ever quoted Little Britain at me in bed I’d wed them on the spot. If only I weren’t the only queer in the village…

  33. 0

    one time i listed every single type of dinosaur i knew out loud and that somehow lead to sex. it makes me feel like #11 is something i would probably say.

  34. 0

    “You look just like a real woman!”

    Thanks babe, that’s exactly how I want to feel right now. Like an unreal woman that reached the point of being “normal”. -.-

    I know sentences like this one are ment well, but they make me feel a bit awkward.

  35. 0

    I’d probably find most of these completely normal, which probably says something about my friends.
    My personal favorite was during a very awkward three way (all of us were bi-curious going in, and we came out with one straight,one bi, and me lesbian). The soon to be straight girl I’d had a crush on for ages was taking geometry at the time, and just blurted out, “Wait, if you’re topping her, and she’s topping me, then by the transitive property..?”
    We were all huge nerds, so of course we found that hilarious and for months we whispered ‘transitive property’ at random moments or casually slipped it into conversation to make each other blush and giggle.

  36. 0

    Oh God oh God.
    On a one night (NOT DRUNKEN) stand:

    She pushes me onto the bed unexpectedly and LEAPS into “going down on me” position while yelling “VAGIIINNNAAAA!”, fucking scaring the life out of me.

    I scream and back off then yell “WHAT THE FUCK?” when she looks confused.

  37. 0

    I just discovered Autostraddle this evening. I’ve been browsing and generally finding the site interesting and then I discovered this post, specifically number 4, and I couldn’t NOT comment.

    The one and only time someone has sang to me during sex, it was, “Write to me, Stick Stickly, PO Box 963, New York City, New York State, 10108.”

    The same person is responsible for, “Your nipples are less like paint buckets and more like starfish. Angry starfish.”

    I actually happened to think both were endearingly hilarious, but I appreciate a healthy dose of silly even in the middle of sex.

    As a side note, this makes me slightly paranoid that someone I know was somehow involved in the compilation of the original list. I love the internet!

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