I’m not a poet, but I wrote a poem in April 2009 on my personal blog anyhow. It was about somebody we used to know & love in this very complicated/important way. It’s one of those stories that’s too long to even say one thing about it without saying everything — basically, I just want you to know that this song is not about anybody’s ex-girlfriend. Friends matter too.
Rising Star Haviland Stillwell really liked the poem when I put it on my blog and today Haviland & I are in North Hollywood with our lightworker peers ashley reed (drums) & bcw/marni (keyboard). Haviland thought it would be fun to “jam” to this song. It was.
So we recorded it for you. Nothing was planned they just went with it. Like made it up as they went along. It was really special. I don’t know how music works. I just write the things. Then people play instruments and sing and make things like this.
Here’s the track (you won’t hear much for the first 7 seconds or so, resist the urge to panic or go check tumblr)
Here’s the poem itself, if you’re interested in reading along:
Insomnia Poem #500
There’s no-one to [redact]
It was just an act
Not mine — I’m fine
we missed all the signs,
always pushing my love
under your Borderline
‘Cause I thought I knew the distance
between reason and rhyme
but really you were lying
all that time
So I’m angry, but I’m fine
No gun, I’m stunned, no crime.
Sometimes I wonder who you really are
Sometimes I wonder why you never fixed your car
While you waited for us to tell you who to be,
As mirrors go —
I like yours,
that’s what I wanted to see.
Well we’re done, now it’s over, now we’re free —
All I wanted
was safety —
What came first, my helplessness, or you helping me?
You’ll be busy with
your cast of 99,
though no one’s on the other line
and we Had a Time —
Your gifts soothed my spine
You built my castle, poured our wine
Whatever I wanted; you made it mine mine mine
You offered, you protected, you designed,
hire me, fire me, thrill me, fill me.
I’d taken care of everyone else for so long, you know?
My heart got snagged in the undertow
they admired me, inspired me, killed me, billed me
but you …
chilled me …
You flew in on a whim, we were stars, so I shined
We played, we complained, we drove, we dined …
So I’m grateful, I’m fine
I’m lucky to be on this side.
With my ass off your line.
You made me laugh, I made you laugh, we had fun.
I believed you when you said
that we auto-win some.
Now I’m out from underwater, I’m floating, I’m wood
I’m that guy, Who am I, remind me where I stood
But I don’t think you could
Who are you?
Don Quijote sans ambition
A Genie without premonition
Echo without immortal fate
Santa Claus with an expiration date
A savior often spotted running away
An angel no-showing on judgment day
A martyr, a giver, a servant, our mom
Victim, loner, hero, helper,
You’re sick, she’s sick, she died
She sued, she’s rude, you lied
She fled, she’s dead, I eulogized
I trusted you
we busted you —
You saved, I forgave, I tried
And when you cried, I cried
We got out of town,
We fixed my frown,
made my throne
and my crown —
I wanted to say “this one’s on me,”
A renegade team so fancy/free
I said you want sunshine, come with me
your dreams will come true,
I’ll fix everything for everyone
starting with you
Why is my anger
so long overdue?
Because you helped so much?
‘Cause of all that stuff?
‘Cause my broken record’s a sad sad song
and it’s waaaaaay tooooooo long …
I was a good friend to you, that’s the rub,
Treat me like I’m someone you love —
Like we treated you —
that story’s true —
I love you but
I like it rough
Meanwhile, we’ll sort through the stories, what remains
The honest hearts waiting in the wings, soul-stained
and oh I’ll try to explain.
“Here I am again, wanting to place blame …
and I’m ashamed.”
I’ll try to fix the honest love that stuck around
Here I am again, myself, and I’ve found
Folding into you
Was not the thing to do
true: fuck you.
I never had a chance
You never wanted to be well
There’ll always be new lies to tell —
It never had to be me myself
there’s always somebody else
I like your pants
Where’s my grant.
Nevermind I don’t want it
you can take that grant
and suck it.
I never asked for that.
And I’m no sleuth
All I wanted
was your truth