by riese & crystal
Hello children & muffmonkeys, Riese & Crystal are here to recap 402 for you! Last time we asked if you wanted us to recap the whole season or just the Naomi & Emily parts, and you told us you want us to recap the hell out of all of Season Four. So here we are doing what you want us to do. Did your ex-girlfriend do that? Probs not, just saying.
This one was easy ’cause it was all about Naomi & Emily. I feel like that line from the Tegan & Sara song – “don’t judge a book by the size of its wrist” — finally makes sense, I think it was supposed to be the title of this episode.
The only appropriate way I can think to preface this recap is by saying OH MY GOD. If you thought you knew what was going to happen in this episode based on 401 or last week’s trailer, you were wrong. This was not a predictable story arc. If you did predict it, email me because I have some questions about the stock market. This week’s episode can be youtube’d here.
Remember how last week’s season premiere was a massive downer and some of us lost a little bit of confidence in the writers of our favourite show? Well you’d be pleased to know that the Great Depression is over (for now), the opening scene of Ep 402 have restored our faith –
I’ve Been Looking So Long At These Pictures Of You
The Temper Trap emotes all lovely and dreamy-like while a near-naked Emily strolls around Naomi’s living room, gazing lovingly at various photos of her la-la-love Naomi, before she became corrupted by lesbian sin.
Not only do the British have their school funding situation sorted (we established this last week — couches, foosball tables, drug-flushing toilets, etc), they also have postal workers that actually walk all the way up to your door and deliver the mail person-to-person rather than just throw your new records on the ground in the middle of a rainstorm for the crazy cat lady next door to steal and then use to prop open the door to her feline harem but hey-o! Look at me projecting!
Emily doesn’t notice him standing there because of his conspicuous clothing and so he takes his time ogling her rack, he clearly wants to give her another sort of package ifyaknowhatimsayingheyyouprobsdo ’cause that’s what she said.
Just Try It, It’s the Body & The Blood of Christ, Mom Gave It To Me
The postman gives Emily a plain brown package and so she takes it upstairs to where Naomi is lying in wait for some food, they probably haven’t eaten in days due to all of the teenage lesbian sex they’ve been having. We can probably assume that they haven’t left this bed for the last three months.
Naomi tells Emily to turn around while she opens the package so that once she straps it on, she can just plow it on in, ’cause who doesn’t love surprises? Assholes, that’s who.
Oh wait. NM.
Oh look! Glasses for snorkling or traveling through outer space yay!
I’ve Always Wanted to be a part of your world!
On a scale of one to ten Emily could not possibly look more ADORABLE than she does right now in those super-fly goggles. This is my new screensaver, all girls should wear these goggles ’cause they’d render serious conversations impossible, and I hate serious conversations/feelings.
Or so you’d think. Naomi tells Emily that she loves her, and that she should never forget that. Emily says “I know.” Oh also, Naomi’s crying.
Teardrops on my Guitar
This is sweet and all, but where’d Naomi go? What happened to that outspoken, sharp-tongued girl who went up against Cook for class president and threatened to fuck Katie with a great big strap-on by mistake? I realise that the writers are trying to show that the Lesbian Relationship worked wonders for Naomi’s venerability but seriously, harden up, don’t let that conformative lifestyle haircut lessen the strength of the big mean dyke raging inside.
Dykes on a bike
Naomi and Emily are getting in some practice for Mardi Gras, cruising down the street on Emily’s orange scooter and sharing a cigarette. They’re having fun! They’re laughing! This is the Skins I love.
Lost & Delirious
It’s the Skins that these private school girls love too, you just know they’re looking on and imagining the riding they’re gonna be doing after hockey practice.
At the Fitch’s, Emily’s dad is clearing space in the garage. He forces Emily to give him a hug which I think is the universal sign that shit is about to go down, the last time my dad gave me a hug he was just going to the metaphorical store for some cigarettes. I guess he never found the store.
Let’s Get Real Maria Full of Grace
Mrs Fitch wants to discuss Emily’s “options” for next year and we’re pretty sure she doesn’t mean Dinah vs Lilith. Emily tells her not to worry, it’s all figured out, she has already committed herself to the Parent’s Worst Nightmare Plan: going to Mexico with her lesbian lover Naomi. For all ye living in the States keep in mind these girls are not gonna get there on their scooter, this is sort of a dramatic plan, eh?
Mrs Fitch is unimpressed, she thinks Emily should study up on some university pamphlets just in case things don’t quite go to plan. Which is stupid, right – if two hot-blooded teenagers in their first girl-on-girl relationship run off to Mexico, what’s the worst that could happen? Also, where’s Katie at?
Naomi taunts Mrs Fitch with a generous compliment before they drive off in search of Muttley. Kids these days, no respect. Emily’s mum stands in the doorway looking really sad/steely, she’s probably thinking about all the drugs and group sex they’ll have in Tijuana and wishing her life was more like that instead of about hugs in the garage, etc.
Life can’t all be about scooters and biscuits in bed, Naomi and Emily have got to get to school so that they can walk the corridors holding hands and making out.
Just Like taTu Promised You It Would Be
It’s all fun until Naomi spots a police poster out of the corner of her eye announcing the desire for information from every one who has seen something to say something. I hate it when death gets in the way of lesbian makeouts, like this time:
We Have to Stop Now, Dana’s Dead
Yes it’s that girl who dived off the nightclub railing after huffing the drugs Naomi dealt her. Remember her? She was wearing a different outfit last time you saw her.
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, Naomi
Well it turns out that her name was Sophia and she was a cadet. It also turns out that the bobby are back at the school and requesting to speak to Naomi and Emily specifically.
Inspector would like to know how well Naomi and Emily knew Sophia and nervous they hold hands under the desk which is sweet but probably unnecessary, they’re among friends here. Her little assistant is there. Let’s just call him James.
I Wouldn’t Go to Jail With Only Boys Just to Prove I Was As Tough as You Actually
Naomi denys knowing Sophia which is not entirely true, but she can’t say as much because Emily still doesn’t know about that whole drug thing. See the inspector heard the three girls were “quite chummy” which I think is code for “lesbian sex orgie friends.” Emily is super confused. Me too. But one thing’s cleared up: it wasn’t Columbian Marching Power as we suspected but rather MDMA aka Old Reliable, making its return from series three.
Naomi continues with the lies, claiming that they were at home with the cats long before any death happened. That contradicts Emily’s earlier statement, the truthful one where Sophia nearly tripped over them pashing on the staircase as she climbed her way up to the top just to throw herself off.
Naomi. This is not how you cover up a crime; launching into immediate contradictory statements. Next time I need someone to sell drugs for me I will not be asking her!
There’s Something So Divided
The police let them go and Emily is understandably hot on Naomi’s heels, wanting to know why she’s telling so many lies but Naomi isn’t talking.
Emily: Hey, it’s me. What’s going on?
Naomi pulls Emily into the restroom presumably to make out, I hear that’s what lesbians do in restrooms so Riese says [It’s true!]. It’s a really serious moment but Emily’s wearing those goggles so I can’t take her seriously.
Naomi: I did see her at the party. It was me who sold her the MDMA.
Emily: Since when are you dealing?
Naomi: I needed some money and I thought if I just went in on this MDMA deal –
Emily: I could have given you some money!
Naomi: It was for these…
Oh God. That’s like the worst; Naomi shouldn’t have said that. Still, it’s clear these two have a good thing going on because despite the position Naomi put her in, Emily seems open and ready to listen/forgive/care.
Naomi: I thought I could keep you safe. I’m sorry.
Emily: Who gave you the MDMA?
AND CUT TO….
I Told You to Say NO to Drugs Cook, NO, This Isn’t Like Hooking Up Where You Think No means Yes
Obvs Cook gave Naomi the drugs, Emily wants to know if he also gave her name to the police. Cook thinks Emily needs to “chillax,” which is one of my favorite/least favorite things in the world. He points out accurately that causing a scene in the middle of the hallway is not how a dude chillaxes.
Emily has a million questions, but all Naomi offers is that she doesn’t want to go to jail (surprise!) and then she snaps at Emily, who’s being perfectly lovely, asking her to “mind your own fucking business for once please.” Everyone knows women in jail have sex all the time so really it is defo Emily’s business. Also she was looking forward to tacos.
Naomi says they need to act like everything’s fine. Emily’s eyes says it’s not. She could get pissed and walk away, but she cares too much, and so she apologizes while not backing down on being confused.
Emily, inspired by Nancy Drew or Harriet the Spy, is now taking her feelings to the dead girl’s house in search of answers. But the thing about looking under rocks is that you’ve gotta be able to deal with what they turn up, like Sophia’s mum revealing that Sophia was always talking about those girls Emily and Naomi. You know, “Ems” and “Noams.” I think this means that Sophia was clearly a serious lesbian and she looked up to Naomi & Emily for being out and in love.
Sophia’s Mum: How do you know her?
“Nancy”: From College.
Sophia’s Mum: Are you in with Naomi and Emily and that crowd?
“Nancy”: I see them sometimes.
Sophia’s Mum: I thought they would have called around by now. Sophia talked about them non-stop.
The Last Picture Show
Emily has a snoop around Sophia’s bedroom and realises that Sophia liked to make those picture carousel thingies. Nancy gives it a spin and looks inside and the drawing is of TWO GIRLS KISSING.
This is intense! Emily pokes around the bookshelves where she uncovers a University pamphlet with a keyring and a letter addresses to Sophia’s brother Matt inside it.
Show Me The Key To Your Heart/Death
And then Matt busts in, looking freaky and mean:
Nancy Who Nancy Drew
Matt says he never heard about a girl named Nancy. Well, that’s Nancy for you, she is a very good mysterious girl detective.
Matt: Did you know someone gave her drugs the nigth she died?
Emily: No, I didn’t know.
Matt: Were you her girlfriend?
Emily: What? No!
Matt: You’re fucking lying to me. They say she killed herself but that’s bullocks, I know she didn’t do that.
Matt: She didn’t say goodbye.
Okay you guys, we’re not even 15 minutes into this episode and now the dead girl may or may not be friends with Naomi and Emily, I DON’T KNOW. She may or may not also be gay and her death may or may not have been a suicide and not drug-induced flight. Her brother may have been a terrible bully who didn’t want her to be a lesbian. I may or may not have a headache and may or may not have just lost faith again.
Emily passes the letter to Matt — perhaps this is the suicide note he was looking for? She takes the University brochure with her, though.
Emily sits down at a cafe and studies the university brochure, possibly to find out more about Sophia or possible because she anticipates that her storyline is only gonna get worst and wants to look into those “options” that her mother was talking about. That’s when she noticed this picture —
This Must be a Brochure for Sarah Lawrence
Ladies and gentleman of the jury I would like to include into evidence Exhibit F, actual photographic proof that Naomi and Sophia have been in the same place at the same time before. I labeled it for you because I didn’t actually ‘get’ that this picture was of them, Sophia’s perm threw me into thinking I was looking at 80’s stock photography.
Also is this a photo from the brochure? A photo that Sophia was storing in the brochure? If this was Law & Order, the ‘twist” music would start right about now.
Emily runs to her mother’s place of work and is greeted by the super campy co-worker who wants to know if Emily’s upset about JJ, the dude she sympathy screwed in season three. He tells her that young boys would have sex with a snake wearing makeup, which is a horrifying image so let’s move on to the waxing room. Emily busts in on her mother’s wax job because has questions:
Wax On, Wax Off
Emily: You told Graham that I was straight?
Mrs Fitch: He’s known you since he was a little girl!
Emily: He’s as gay as a window!
Mrs Fitch: He’s an adult, he’s earned the right to be gay. You’re too young to know what you are.
Emily: I know, mum.
Mrs Fitch: You think you know. Is there any specific reason you’ve been crying? Maybe Naomi?
Emily: No, we’re fine.
Mrs Fitch: You should go travelling, to find yourself. Won’t she just get in the way?
Emily: She’s my fucking girlfriend! You’ve got nothing to do with this.
Mrs Fitch really knows how to drive her point home, and she’s equally skilled in Bad Ideas. HOWEVER if I was getting a bikini wax and some girl busted in and furthermore left the door open, I would be upset. Though slightly comforted to know she was a lesbian.
Mrs Fitch: What if I was to give you a thousand pounds, would that change anything?
Emily: No! What, now you’re bribing me?
Mrs Fitch: Emily you’re mind! I’m just trying to help you. Naomi’s not right for you. There’s just something about her that I just don’t like.
For 1000 pounds she could probably get a LOT of MDMA! Or the Tegan & Sara deluxe set with the ink blots. Or a Real Doll to replace her girlfriend when her girlfriend goes to lockup.
In the well-funded cafeteria, Freddy is eating chips with a fork when Effy swoops in, her second appearance this season. She has sort of been like one of those creatures in Sci-Fi movies who pop up from space like Ghosts. Maybe I am thinking of Ghost Dad starring Bill Cosby.
They sit in silence for a long time which is fine, I’m happy to just look ’cause Freddie has really nice hair and a nice jaw and if I squint he passes for a girl, which makes this scene totally work for me. But then Freddie wants to talk.
Freddie: So how was your bath?
Effy: What bath?
Freddie: The one you popped out to take about three months ago.
Effy: I went to Italy. How was your summer?
Freddie: Not bad. I got chlamydia.
Effy: Wow. Exotic.
Freddie: That’s what I said. Then I realised Cook got it as well and then it didn’t feel as special, if you know what you mean.
Effy: I bet it liked you more. So who gave it to who?
Freddie: We didn’t. There was an intermediary.
Effy: And you’re all clear now?
Freddie: Clear as a bell. I’m not sure about him though…
Effy’s eyeing off Freddie’s crotch but lifts her eyes just long enough to see that Freddie is pointing to Cook, who’s in the background and way jeals. She tells Freddy that it was him who she spent all summer thinking about, and Freddy doesn’t reply and so she jets. I’m not going to show you the hot pants Effy is wearing, they hurt my heart.
Would You Tell Me Tough Love Style, put Judicial Weight On Me?
Freddie just wants to eat his chips in peace but this time it’s Emily who swoops in, wanting to ask loaded questions about feelings.
Emily: Have you ever loved someone and then something happens and you wonder, perhaps you never really knew them at all?
Firstly, Angela Chase had that same exact thought AND THE SAME HAIR COLOR. They’re probs lesbian matches made in TV heaven. But anyhow, as Emily says it, she’s staring at her girlfriend who is huddled in the corner of the rec room with some [assumed by us to be] lesbians, laughing at how the Lilo/SamRo story in US Weekly is nothing like the LiLo/SamRo story they read about on the internet LOLZ. I don’t know for fact that they really are lesbians, they might just like lip piercings and plaid. They’ll transition soon enough.
Since when did Naomi get friends? The last time her sexuality was brought up she wasn’t sure she loved women, just Emily, and now all of a sudden she has a gang of lesbros and a lesbian past either documented or not in a Uni catalog.
Freddie doesn’t care though, he’s too preoccupied with watching Effy hug Cook. Hot Topic called and said you know what Effy, you make that bracelet work. You work it. It would look better removed by a gynecologist from my cervix where you accidentally left it, but moving on.
Emily: Do you trust her?
Freddie: What? No, I don’t have to.
Emily: But if you two got together, wouldn’t you be worried she might fuck Cook again?
Freddy tells Em that he’s too busy to have this conversation right now, he needs to go and punch out a few dudes ’cause that’s what Cook does and Cook gets all the ladies.