Hey Clone Stars! Welcome to the recap of the ninth episode of the second season of Orphan Black, the show where dead body disposal is the ultimate aphrodisiac for suburban parents!

This is the penultimate episode of the season, and boy is this show firing on all fucking cylinders.

JUST queefed

We open with Alison and Donnie in their garage, wearing matching rubber gloves. Alison has cleaned Leekie’s brains out of the trunk, but there’s still the matter of what to do with the body. Donnie is grossed out and ready to puke, while Alison attacks the problem like an arts and crafts project clean up. They wrap up the body in plastic and toss it in their giant garage freezer.

Bloody jazz hands!

Over at the Prolethian Farm, Helena is being artificially inseminated by Hank. It is gross and terrible.

It’s like a cross between a pap smear and a Laura Ingalls Wilder book in here.

Meanwhile, at Dyad, Delphine and Rachel discuss Cosima’s health. Apparently, the growths have spread everywhere, and Cosima is most def gonna die without treatment. That ear-piercing wail you hear is the primal scream of a sea of nerdy lesbians in distress.

Look, you can’t just get rid of a queer character and expect Tumblr to stay silent.

Rachel says that they need to get Kira’s bone marrow, and that Delphine has to convince Sarah to let them. This is a pretty good plan, because who is gonna say no to an adorable French girl? No one.

I mean seriously, who is gonna say no to this face?

Delphine says that the clones will never trust Rachel, but Rachel tells her that she’s been lied to as well and offers Delphine the opportunity to take over as the director of the program, aka be the new Leekie. Delphine goes to Mrs. S’s house to plead for Kira’s bone marrow, but Sarah isn’t having it.

Moment of appreciation for Mrs. S’s pigtail braids.

Delphine tells her that Duncan is months away from a cure and Cosima is about to expire like supermarket sushi. Delphine says that Kira’s bone marrow will reboot Cosima’s immune system, and without it she’ll die.

I’m not a doctor, but have you tried CTRL ALT DELETE?

Cosima, Alison, and Sarah have a group Skype chat. Cosima is all hooked up to nose tubes and Sarah says that she wants to help her but can’t turn Kira over to Dyad. Donnie watches the call from the other side of the laptop, and gestures to Alison to get more Leekie info.

I can breathe, these tubes are just for my “The Fault in Our Stars” cosplay.

Cosima tells them about the cover up, and that Dyad will keep the whole thing under wraps. Luckily for Donnie, it looks like no one will be looking for Leekie. Now they just have to get rid of the body.

What if we just slap a receipt on him and take him to Costco? They refund everything!

Donnie wants to dump Leekie in the lake, but Alison thinks it’s way too cliché. Besides, she’s seen Dexter: they’d need a boat, a ribbed Henley, and the worst police department in Miami. Alison says it’s too risky to move the body, so they decide to bury it in the garage.

Fine, but we’re staying for all the free samples!

Cut to Donnie drilling into the garage floor with a jackhammer. Being that he’s Donnie and all, he’s doing a crappy job. Alison takes over and immediately does the job better, because she is better at all the things.

Drill baby drill

Bitch please

Back at the Prolethian farm, Helena rests in bed while a midwife attends to her. The midwife then takes Helena to the farm nursery, which is swarming with children. Apparently none of the Prolethians are worried about leaving a crazed assassin with their babies. Helena makes friends with an adorable little girl, while Gracie watches and wonders what the fuck is going on.

Oh shit I just realized I hate children

Back in the farmhouse, Belt Buckle and Hank are sharing a drink. We find out that Belt Buckle is a soldier with PTSD who went AWOL from the army before joining the Prolethians. Hank gives his blessing for Gracie and Belt Buckle’s marriage, and then says that it’s time for Gracie to bear fruit. Nobody bothers to ask Gracie’s opinion on anything, because they are the worst.

I’ll trade you three goats and a chicken for your daughter.

But he told me I was worth a dozen hens!

Back at Mrs. S’s house, Sarah and Mrs. S discuss what to do about Kira. They think that with their own doctor and plenty of security, they could make it happen. Felix gets in on the conversation too, and they all agree that the decision rests with one person: Kira.

We can’t just replace her bone marrow with Sriracha, Dyad will know!

Sarah goes to talk to Kira, and explains to her what a bone marrow transplant entails. Kira asks if Cosima will die without it, and Sarah tells her the truth. Kira agrees to donate the marrow and Sarah hugs her and calls her the bravest. It’s all kinds of heartwarming.

Only doing it for the morphine drip

Delphine arrives at the doctor’s office and is patted down by Mrs. S’s team of watchers. She waits in the hallway while Kira is prepped for the transplant.

If you endanger Kira in any way, I will strangle you with my own braids.

I date a white girl with dreads. Bring it on.

Back at Dyad, Scotty and Duncan are trying to upload Duncan’s floppy disks. Cosima is also there, making fun of their nerdery. Duncan tells them that all his research is encoded, and they’ll need a cipher to read it.

So this is internet porn from 1989?

Ooh yeah, those codes are nasty!

Back at the House of Cement and Murder, Donnie and Alison are digging a giant hole in their garage. Alison is annoyed that Donnie is tossing dirt everywhere, and says the phrase “Lard and butter, Donnie!” which is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. Donnie tells her that he isn’t as comfortable with murder as she is, and just then, the kids come running in to tell them there’s a man at the door.

Once we’re done with this we should really look into that in-ground pool.

It’s Vic, who has finally awoken from his glittery drugged slumber. Vic wants to talk, but Donnie and Alison tell him to GTFO. Vic walks back to a large unmarked van, where Officer Ange is waiting for him.

Of course I’m pissed, I’ve been pooping glitter for a week.

Back at the Prolethian Baby Stable, Hank is telling the story of Frankenstein to the children, which is A) incorrect and B) not appropriate for that age range. He also tells Helena that one day, the nursery will be full of her children. That nursery is huge, and she has a vagina, not a clown car between her legs.

…and that’s how I forcibly inseminated your mother.

Unfortunately, CBS didn’t love that title and moved on without me.

Helena sees the midwife slap the adorable girl and grabs her by the neck. Helena tells her that there was a nun in the convent like her, and if she ever hurts the girl again she’ll gut her like a fish. Gracie watches Helena with something approaching admiration.

And if I ever hear you singing “Hips Don’t Lie” again I will end you.

At the doctor’s office, they’re sedating Kira for the surgery. Sarah and Felix stand by her and hold her hand, and Delphine watches as they drill into Kira’s hip. Sarah feels tremendously guilty, while Felix assures her she’s a great mother and a great sister. Sarah cries and apologizes to Kira.

The most important step in this procedure is making sure we don’t swap the bone marrow with old packets of Capri Sun.

The doctor continues with the bone marrow extraction, and it’s a success. I’m surprised because I was pretty sure Kira’s bones were filled with phoenix feathers or unicorn hairs.

I feel Sarah’s pain and all, but shouldn’t she be wearing a surgical mask or gloves or something?

Vic continues to spy on Alison from outside the garage. Alison measures the hole and measure the body, because everyone knows you measure twice and cut once. Donnie sneaks up on Vic and pulls a gun on him. He drags him inside and holds Vic over the hole, threatening to shoot and bury him.

I will accidently waste you, son!

Vic confesses that there is a cop outside, but Donnie was bluffing the whole time! Alison is impressed that Donnie doesn’t accidentally shoot Vic in the head, and Donnie assures her that he never makes the same mistake twice.

Are you serious about killing him Donnie? Because I am not digging another hole.

Then this show throws out the most shocking twist of all: Donnie is actually a competent human being! He storms into the cop van and yells at Ange to leave them alone. He also tells her he’ll have her suspended if she keeps sniffing around, and takes a phone pic of her for evidence.

Selfie, motherfuckers!

He also tells her to have a shitty day, which is delightful. Oh no you guys… do I actually like Donnie now? Is this real life?

Nailed it!

Meanwhile, at the kingdom of Prolethia, Hank is inseminating Gracie! What the fuck dude, how many babies do you need? This is the worst thing ever.

Sheila Corbett never had to deal with this shit.

Gracie is taken back to the pregnant woman holding cell, where Helena is eating and making oinking noises, like you do. Helena doesn’t understand why Gracie is so sad to be pregnant, until Gracie tells her that she is carrying Helena’s eggs mixed with her father’s sperm. EWW!

My father is inseminating all of us! Weren’t you listening?

Helena seems shocked, and Gracie calls her out for not paying attention to what the fuck is going on. Everything about this is horrifying and everything hurts.

I just made a huge mistake.

Back at Dyad, Duncan mansplains to Cosima that it was his wife’s idea to make all the clones sterile. They engineered the sterility as an autoimmune disease, which is currently wreaking havoc on Cosima’s body. Duncan assures her he will fix his mistakes, and Scotty breaks the code on his research.

We’ll fix your genes, but we’re leaving your third nipple. It’s our trademark.

Duncan tells them that each gene sequence has its own secret password, and he won’t share them with Dyad. He also assures Cosima that he is looking out for her, but I’m dubious.

While we’re here, do you guys think you could download Monkey Island? I never got past the Pirate’s Bay.

Belt Buckle visits Gracie in preggo prison, and tries to sell her on the whole “divine maternity” deal. Helena calls him out for claiming to love her but allowing her to be a brood mare. BB says the women of the compound don’t see it that way, because obvs he can speak for all women all the time. Gracie turns away from him and refuses to talk.

But getting pregnant is every 16 year old’s dream!

Rachel and Marion meet in Leekie’s old office and do that awkward air kiss hello thing. They talk about Delphine’s appointment as Brand New Leekie, and Rachel tells her that Delphine has all the qualities they need: she’s smart, she’s telegenic, and she’s banging a clone.

Now kiss

Marion wants to know how Rachel is holding up with all the daddy drama, but Rachel assures her that she’s on her game. Marion wants to acquire Sarah, and Rachel tells her she’s in hand.

Don’t look at her boobs don’t look at her boobs DAMMIT!

After their meeting, Rachel goes into a private room, has a martini, and watches her home videos on a wall-size TV screen. She laughs, she cries, she seems to have a breakdown.

Looks like that martini is kicking in.

This is a creepy scene and all, but I’m mad jealous of that wall screen.

She then changes the image to a large photo of Sarah and Kira. This cannot be good.

Rachel is A?! I fucking knew it.

Delphine meets with Rachel and tells her that the bone marrow is processing for the transplant. Rachel gives her the keys to Leekie’s office, and leaves to take a phone call. While she’s on the phone, Delphine peeks at Rachel’s laptop and sees a photo of Ben the Watcher in a confidential file. He’s a Dyad mole!

DUN DUN DUN!

Back at the baby farm, Helena starts getting dressed. Gracie wakes up, and Helena tells her that she’s running away. Helena tells Gracie that she’s a good girl, but if she doesn’t want to have her babies then she shouldn’t have to.

My face when I finished season 2 of OITNB

Gracie is over this misogynistic bullshit and wants to run away with Helena.

I would rather live in a storage unit than on this farm!

OMG you are going to love my place.

Hank shows up to stop them with a shotgun, but Helena tells him she’s not afraid and neither is Gracie. Hank tells Gracie that her mother went out west to round up some more brood mares (gross) and he knocks Helena out with the shotgun.

Hank with yet another one of his phallic accessories.

Hank then drags Gracie into a cell and locks her in. Belt Buckle shows up and is appalled that Hank would treat his daughter this way. He is also pissed that he didn’t get to father Gracie’s miracle babies.

Gracie, this is no time for Vauseman roleplay!

Before Hank can respond, Helena jumps on his back and starts attacking him. Belt Buckle frees Gracie and Helena tells them to run away while she chokes out Hank. Those two crazy kids make a run for it while Helena wrestles Hank to the ground.

He’s going down, I’m yelling timber!

Back at Casa Hendrix, Donnie and Alison bury Leekie’s body in the garage and fill in the hole with cement. Donnie draws a heart in the wet cement, because romance.

I put “Donnie + Alison + Leekie 5ever,” do you like?

Alison is crazy turned on and they start making out, culminating in them fucking on the freezer. Alison wants to do it “nasty”, which is unfortunate for us because we are exposed to Donnie’s bare butt. These two weirdos are starting to make sense as a couple for me.

BOW CHICKA BOW WOWitsmellslikedeadpeopleinhere

Hank wakes up to find himself tied to an examining table, his legs in stirrups. Dr. Helena has an enormous inseminator in hand and a pipe in her mouth. She shoves the inseminator up Hank’s ass and he screams. Helena’s warped sense of justice prevails yet again.

Helena does a pretty good Popeye impression.

Helena runs away and watches the farm burn to the ground. Goodbye Prolethians and goodbye Hank!

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire.

Sarah is in recovery with Kira when Mrs. S tells her that Delphine is outside. Sarah gets into a car with Delphine who tells her that Ben is a mole. She tells Sarah to keep calm, but instead Sarah runs back into the hospital.

Dyad gave you a limo? Sweet!

Sarah tells Mrs. S that Rachel is making some kind of move and they have to leave. Sarah wakes up Felix and Kira and tells them they aren’t safe. Just then, Felix gets a phone call from Sarah… and gets a needle in the throat!

Et tu, sestra?

It’s not Sarah… it’s Rachel in disguise! Holy Shyamalan twist, you guys! The real Sarah runs back upstairs, but Kira and Rachel are already gone. They’ve been had.

She got totally clonesided.

Delphine returns to Dyad and cries to Cosima that she’s made a terrible mistake. Looks like everyone got played by Rachel. Kira wakes up in an all-pink girl’s room watched over by Rachel. Kira asks for Sarah and Mrs. S, but Rachel tells her that this is her new home.

I feel like Kira would not be down with the heteronormative decorating choices in this room.

She says that Kira will get used to it and maybe grow to like it there, just like she did. Has Rachel gone off the deep end? Is she going to make Kira her daughter? What the actual fuck is going on?!

Who knew Rachel would beat Helena in a Creepy Clone-off?

Tune in next week for the season finale, where all/none of these questions will be answered!

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