Hey Clone Stars! Welcome to the recap of the ninth episode of the second season of Orphan Black, the show where dead body disposal is the ultimate aphrodisiac for suburban parents!

This is the penultimate episode of the season, and boy is this show firing on all fucking cylinders.

JUST queefed

We open with Alison and Donnie in their garage, wearing matching rubber gloves. Alison has cleaned Leekie’s brains out of the trunk, but there’s still the matter of what to do with the body. Donnie is grossed out and ready to puke, while Alison attacks the problem like an arts and crafts project clean up. They wrap up the body in plastic and toss it in their giant garage freezer.

Bloody jazz hands!

Over at the Prolethian Farm, Helena is being artificially inseminated by Hank. It is gross and terrible.

It’s like a cross between a pap smear and a Laura Ingalls Wilder book in here.

Meanwhile, at Dyad, Delphine and Rachel discuss Cosima’s health. Apparently, the growths have spread everywhere, and Cosima is most def gonna die without treatment. That ear-piercing wail you hear is the primal scream of a sea of nerdy lesbians in distress.

Look, you can’t just get rid of a queer character and expect Tumblr to stay silent.

Rachel says that they need to get Kira’s bone marrow, and that Delphine has to convince Sarah to let them. This is a pretty good plan, because who is gonna say no to an adorable French girl? No one.

I mean seriously, who is gonna say no to this face?

Delphine says that the clones will never trust Rachel, but Rachel tells her that she’s been lied to as well and offers Delphine the opportunity to take over as the director of the program, aka be the new Leekie. Delphine goes to Mrs. S’s house to plead for Kira’s bone marrow, but Sarah isn’t having it.

Moment of appreciation for Mrs. S’s pigtail braids.

Delphine tells her that Duncan is months away from a cure and Cosima is about to expire like supermarket sushi. Delphine says that Kira’s bone marrow will reboot Cosima’s immune system, and without it she’ll die.

I’m not a doctor, but have you tried CTRL ALT DELETE?

Cosima, Alison, and Sarah have a group Skype chat. Cosima is all hooked up to nose tubes and Sarah says that she wants to help her but can’t turn Kira over to Dyad. Donnie watches the call from the other side of the laptop, and gestures to Alison to get more Leekie info.

I can breathe, these tubes are just for my “The Fault in Our Stars” cosplay.

Cosima tells them about the cover up, and that Dyad will keep the whole thing under wraps. Luckily for Donnie, it looks like no one will be looking for Leekie. Now they just have to get rid of the body.

What if we just slap a receipt on him and take him to Costco? They refund everything!

Donnie wants to dump Leekie in the lake, but Alison thinks it’s way too cliché. Besides, she’s seen Dexter: they’d need a boat, a ribbed Henley, and the worst police department in Miami. Alison says it’s too risky to move the body, so they decide to bury it in the garage.

Fine, but we’re staying for all the free samples!

Cut to Donnie drilling into the garage floor with a jackhammer. Being that he’s Donnie and all, he’s doing a crappy job. Alison takes over and immediately does the job better, because she is better at all the things.

Drill baby drill

Bitch please

Back at the Prolethian farm, Helena rests in bed while a midwife attends to her. The midwife then takes Helena to the farm nursery, which is swarming with children. Apparently none of the Prolethians are worried about leaving a crazed assassin with their babies. Helena makes friends with an adorable little girl, while Gracie watches and wonders what the fuck is going on.

Oh shit I just realized I hate children

Back in the farmhouse, Belt Buckle and Hank are sharing a drink. We find out that Belt Buckle is a soldier with PTSD who went AWOL from the army before joining the Prolethians. Hank gives his blessing for Gracie and Belt Buckle’s marriage, and then says that it’s time for Gracie to bear fruit. Nobody bothers to ask Gracie’s opinion on anything, because they are the worst.

I’ll trade you three goats and a chicken for your daughter.

But he told me I was worth a dozen hens!

Back at Mrs. S’s house, Sarah and Mrs. S discuss what to do about Kira. They think that with their own doctor and plenty of security, they could make it happen. Felix gets in on the conversation too, and they all agree that the decision rests with one person: Kira.

We can’t just replace her bone marrow with Sriracha, Dyad will know!

Sarah goes to talk to Kira, and explains to her what a bone marrow transplant entails. Kira asks if Cosima will die without it, and Sarah tells her the truth. Kira agrees to donate the marrow and Sarah hugs her and calls her the bravest. It’s all kinds of heartwarming.

Only doing it for the morphine drip

Delphine arrives at the doctor’s office and is patted down by Mrs. S’s team of watchers. She waits in the hallway while Kira is prepped for the transplant.

If you endanger Kira in any way, I will strangle you with my own braids.

I date a white girl with dreads. Bring it on.

Back at Dyad, Scotty and Duncan are trying to upload Duncan’s floppy disks. Cosima is also there, making fun of their nerdery. Duncan tells them that all his research is encoded, and they’ll need a cipher to read it.

So this is internet porn from 1989?

Ooh yeah, those codes are nasty!

Back at the House of Cement and Murder, Donnie and Alison are digging a giant hole in their garage. Alison is annoyed that Donnie is tossing dirt everywhere, and says the phrase “Lard and butter, Donnie!” which is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. Donnie tells her that he isn’t as comfortable with murder as she is, and just then, the kids come running in to tell them there’s a man at the door.

Once we’re done with this we should really look into that in-ground pool.

It’s Vic, who has finally awoken from his glittery drugged slumber. Vic wants to talk, but Donnie and Alison tell him to GTFO. Vic walks back to a large unmarked van, where Officer Ange is waiting for him.

Of course I’m pissed, I’ve been pooping glitter for a week.

Back at the Prolethian Baby Stable, Hank is telling the story of Frankenstein to the children, which is A) incorrect and B) not appropriate for that age range. He also tells Helena that one day, the nursery will be full of her children. That nursery is huge, and she has a vagina, not a clown car between her legs.

…and that’s how I forcibly inseminated your mother.

Unfortunately, CBS didn’t love that title and moved on without me.

Helena sees the midwife slap the adorable girl and grabs her by the neck. Helena tells her that there was a nun in the convent like her, and if she ever hurts the girl again she’ll gut her like a fish. Gracie watches Helena with something approaching admiration.

And if I ever hear you singing “Hips Don’t Lie” again I will end you.

At the doctor’s office, they’re sedating Kira for the surgery. Sarah and Felix stand by her and hold her hand, and Delphine watches as they drill into Kira’s hip. Sarah feels tremendously guilty, while Felix assures her she’s a great mother and a great sister. Sarah cries and apologizes to Kira.

The most important step in this procedure is making sure we don’t swap the bone marrow with old packets of Capri Sun.

The doctor continues with the bone marrow extraction, and it’s a success. I’m surprised because I was pretty sure Kira’s bones were filled with phoenix feathers or unicorn hairs.

I feel Sarah’s pain and all, but shouldn’t she be wearing a surgical mask or gloves or something?

Vic continues to spy on Alison from outside the garage. Alison measures the hole and measure the body, because everyone knows you measure twice and cut once. Donnie sneaks up on Vic and pulls a gun on him. He drags him inside and holds Vic over the hole, threatening to shoot and bury him.

I will accidently waste you, son!

Vic confesses that there is a cop outside, but Donnie was bluffing the whole time! Alison is impressed that Donnie doesn’t accidentally shoot Vic in the head, and Donnie assures her that he never makes the same mistake twice.

Are you serious about killing him Donnie? Because I am not digging another hole.

Then this show throws out the most shocking twist of all: Donnie is actually a competent human being! He storms into the cop van and yells at Ange to leave them alone. He also tells her he’ll have her suspended if she keeps sniffing around, and takes a phone pic of her for evidence.

Selfie, motherfuckers!

He also tells her to have a shitty day, which is delightful. Oh no you guys… do I actually like Donnie now? Is this real life?

Nailed it!

Meanwhile, at the kingdom of Prolethia, Hank is inseminating Gracie! What the fuck dude, how many babies do you need? This is the worst thing ever.

Sheila Corbett never had to deal with this shit.

Gracie is taken back to the pregnant woman holding cell, where Helena is eating and making oinking noises, like you do. Helena doesn’t understand why Gracie is so sad to be pregnant, until Gracie tells her that she is carrying Helena’s eggs mixed with her father’s sperm. EWW!

My father is inseminating all of us! Weren’t you listening?

Helena seems shocked, and Gracie calls her out for not paying attention to what the fuck is going on. Everything about this is horrifying and everything hurts.

I just made a huge mistake.

Back at Dyad, Duncan mansplains to Cosima that it was his wife’s idea to make all the clones sterile. They engineered the sterility as an autoimmune disease, which is currently wreaking havoc on Cosima’s body. Duncan assures her he will fix his mistakes, and Scotty breaks the code on his research.

We’ll fix your genes, but we’re leaving your third nipple. It’s our trademark.

Duncan tells them that each gene sequence has its own secret password, and he won’t share them with Dyad. He also assures Cosima that he is looking out for her, but I’m dubious.

While we’re here, do you guys think you could download Monkey Island? I never got past the Pirate’s Bay.

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