Hey Clone Stars! Welcome to the recap of the ninth episode of the second season of Orphan Black, the show where dead body disposal is the ultimate aphrodisiac for suburban parents!
This is the penultimate episode of the season, and boy is this show firing on all fucking cylinders.
We open with Alison and Donnie in their garage, wearing matching rubber gloves. Alison has cleaned Leekie’s brains out of the trunk, but there’s still the matter of what to do with the body. Donnie is grossed out and ready to puke, while Alison attacks the problem like an arts and crafts project clean up. They wrap up the body in plastic and toss it in their giant garage freezer.
Over at the Prolethian Farm, Helena is being artificially inseminated by Hank. It is gross and terrible.
Meanwhile, at Dyad, Delphine and Rachel discuss Cosima’s health. Apparently, the growths have spread everywhere, and Cosima is most def gonna die without treatment. That ear-piercing wail you hear is the primal scream of a sea of nerdy lesbians in distress.
Rachel says that they need to get Kira’s bone marrow, and that Delphine has to convince Sarah to let them. This is a pretty good plan, because who is gonna say no to an adorable French girl? No one.
Delphine says that the clones will never trust Rachel, but Rachel tells her that she’s been lied to as well and offers Delphine the opportunity to take over as the director of the program, aka be the new Leekie. Delphine goes to Mrs. S’s house to plead for Kira’s bone marrow, but Sarah isn’t having it.
Delphine tells her that Duncan is months away from a cure and Cosima is about to expire like supermarket sushi. Delphine says that Kira’s bone marrow will reboot Cosima’s immune system, and without it she’ll die.
Cosima, Alison, and Sarah have a group Skype chat. Cosima is all hooked up to nose tubes and Sarah says that she wants to help her but can’t turn Kira over to Dyad. Donnie watches the call from the other side of the laptop, and gestures to Alison to get more Leekie info.
Cosima tells them about the cover up, and that Dyad will keep the whole thing under wraps. Luckily for Donnie, it looks like no one will be looking for Leekie. Now they just have to get rid of the body.
Donnie wants to dump Leekie in the lake, but Alison thinks it’s way too cliché. Besides, she’s seen Dexter: they’d need a boat, a ribbed Henley, and the worst police department in Miami. Alison says it’s too risky to move the body, so they decide to bury it in the garage.
Cut to Donnie drilling into the garage floor with a jackhammer. Being that he’s Donnie and all, he’s doing a crappy job. Alison takes over and immediately does the job better, because she is better at all the things.
Back at the Prolethian farm, Helena rests in bed while a midwife attends to her. The midwife then takes Helena to the farm nursery, which is swarming with children. Apparently none of the Prolethians are worried about leaving a crazed assassin with their babies. Helena makes friends with an adorable little girl, while Gracie watches and wonders what the fuck is going on.
Back in the farmhouse, Belt Buckle and Hank are sharing a drink. We find out that Belt Buckle is a soldier with PTSD who went AWOL from the army before joining the Prolethians. Hank gives his blessing for Gracie and Belt Buckle’s marriage, and then says that it’s time for Gracie to bear fruit. Nobody bothers to ask Gracie’s opinion on anything, because they are the worst.
Back at Mrs. S’s house, Sarah and Mrs. S discuss what to do about Kira. They think that with their own doctor and plenty of security, they could make it happen. Felix gets in on the conversation too, and they all agree that the decision rests with one person: Kira.
Sarah goes to talk to Kira, and explains to her what a bone marrow transplant entails. Kira asks if Cosima will die without it, and Sarah tells her the truth. Kira agrees to donate the marrow and Sarah hugs her and calls her the bravest. It’s all kinds of heartwarming.
Delphine arrives at the doctor’s office and is patted down by Mrs. S’s team of watchers. She waits in the hallway while Kira is prepped for the transplant.
Back at Dyad, Scotty and Duncan are trying to upload Duncan’s floppy disks. Cosima is also there, making fun of their nerdery. Duncan tells them that all his research is encoded, and they’ll need a cipher to read it.
Back at the House of Cement and Murder, Donnie and Alison are digging a giant hole in their garage. Alison is annoyed that Donnie is tossing dirt everywhere, and says the phrase “Lard and butter, Donnie!” which is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. Donnie tells her that he isn’t as comfortable with murder as she is, and just then, the kids come running in to tell them there’s a man at the door.
It’s Vic, who has finally awoken from his glittery drugged slumber. Vic wants to talk, but Donnie and Alison tell him to GTFO. Vic walks back to a large unmarked van, where Officer Ange is waiting for him.
Back at the Prolethian Baby Stable, Hank is telling the story of Frankenstein to the children, which is A) incorrect and B) not appropriate for that age range. He also tells Helena that one day, the nursery will be full of her children. That nursery is huge, and she has a vagina, not a clown car between her legs.
Helena sees the midwife slap the adorable girl and grabs her by the neck. Helena tells her that there was a nun in the convent like her, and if she ever hurts the girl again she’ll gut her like a fish. Gracie watches Helena with something approaching admiration.
At the doctor’s office, they’re sedating Kira for the surgery. Sarah and Felix stand by her and hold her hand, and Delphine watches as they drill into Kira’s hip. Sarah feels tremendously guilty, while Felix assures her she’s a great mother and a great sister. Sarah cries and apologizes to Kira.
The doctor continues with the bone marrow extraction, and it’s a success. I’m surprised because I was pretty sure Kira’s bones were filled with phoenix feathers or unicorn hairs.
Vic continues to spy on Alison from outside the garage. Alison measures the hole and measure the body, because everyone knows you measure twice and cut once. Donnie sneaks up on Vic and pulls a gun on him. He drags him inside and holds Vic over the hole, threatening to shoot and bury him.
Vic confesses that there is a cop outside, but Donnie was bluffing the whole time! Alison is impressed that Donnie doesn’t accidentally shoot Vic in the head, and Donnie assures her that he never makes the same mistake twice.
Then this show throws out the most shocking twist of all: Donnie is actually a competent human being! He storms into the cop van and yells at Ange to leave them alone. He also tells her he’ll have her suspended if she keeps sniffing around, and takes a phone pic of her for evidence.
He also tells her to have a shitty day, which is delightful. Oh no you guys… do I actually like Donnie now? Is this real life?
Meanwhile, at the kingdom of Prolethia, Hank is inseminating Gracie! What the fuck dude, how many babies do you need? This is the worst thing ever.
Gracie is taken back to the pregnant woman holding cell, where Helena is eating and making oinking noises, like you do. Helena doesn’t understand why Gracie is so sad to be pregnant, until Gracie tells her that she is carrying Helena’s eggs mixed with her father’s sperm. EWW!
Helena seems shocked, and Gracie calls her out for not paying attention to what the fuck is going on. Everything about this is horrifying and everything hurts.
Back at Dyad, Duncan mansplains to Cosima that it was his wife’s idea to make all the clones sterile. They engineered the sterility as an autoimmune disease, which is currently wreaking havoc on Cosima’s body. Duncan assures her he will fix his mistakes, and Scotty breaks the code on his research.
Duncan tells them that each gene sequence has its own secret password, and he won’t share them with Dyad. He also assures Cosima that he is looking out for her, but I’m dubious.