Golden Globes 2011: Radical Gay Feminist Agenda Has Taken Over Hollywood

Last night, January 16th 2011, The Golden Globe Awards took place in Sunny California. Ricky Gervais began the show with a poorly-received monologue which included a reference to Scientology protecting homosexuals from being publically known as homosexuals. Luckily I believe John Travolta and Tom Cruise were not present, probably they are preparing themselves to become aliens. (This is not Travolta’s best month w/r/t that?)

“Also not nominated was ‘I Love You Philip Morris,’ Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor. Two heterosexual characters pretending to be gay. So the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists, then. Probably. My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke. They’re not here.”

Before any of that happened, though, we had a red carpet. Here’s some people on it:

Whenever I see Angelina & Brad at these things, I feel like we’re being visited by royalty. You know what I mean?

Natalie Portman is going White Swan tonight. I just accidentally wrote “White Swine.” She’s not swine. She’s not even pulled pork. She’s probably a human girl or something expensive and fancy who sometimes makes questionable comments about lesbian sex scenes and is now pregnant, so I guess that ship has sailed.

Here’s Olivia Wilde. She sometimes plays bisexual characters on the television screen, so she’s pretty popular with you people.

The Show

This year was a big year for the homosexuals and a terrible year for straight white men, who fumbled almost every opportunity they were given to speak. (Paul Giamatti was the only eloquent one, and I mean — he thanked Canada. So.)

First: the gay parts.

Chris Colfer looked adorably stunned when presented with a Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television, which he dedicated to all the queer kids sitting on their thumbs waiting for things to get better. At this point I cried and my heart grew three sizes. The show peaked before dinnertime:

“But mostly importantly [a thank you] to all the amazing kids that watch our show and that our show celebrates and are constantly told ‘no’ [by] people and environments and bullies at school, that they can’t be who they are or can’t have what they want because of who they are. Screw that, kids.”

Colfer kicked off a new Golden Globes tradition where homos get the biggest applause. My heart was so warm it practically caught on fire.

Jane Lynch picked up a Golden Globe for Best Actress in Glee, which is a gay show, and also, Jane Lynch is gay.

The next big queer moment happened when Annette Benning won Best Actress for The Kids Are All Right. Annette Benning and Julianne Moore kissed on the lips and then they flashed right over to Jane Lynch. IS THE LESBIAN HAPPY ABOUT THE LESBIAN MOVIE. HOW DOES SHE FEEL ABOUT THAT.

THEN GLEE WON FOR BEST TV SERIES COMEDY/MUSICAL.  This meant we got to listen to Journey again, Mr. Shue is probs LOVIN IT. Every single Glee cast member was on stage, like all of them. Every single one.

graphic by jezebel.com

THIS: “Thank you to public school teachers. You don’t get paid enough, but you’re doing the most important job in America.”

Then, The Kids Are All Right took home Best Movie Comedy/Musical. At that point the Gays officially had taken over Hollywood. But also, they cut it off before Lisa got to speak, which made me feel very oppressed as a feminist.

Also, Justin Bieber looks like a lesbian.

+.

Other important happenings:

+ TRENT FUCKING REZNOR won Best Original Score for The Social Network.

+ Jennifer Love Hewitt was nominated for The Client List, which also starred Haviland Stillwell, and Dianne Warren who had some role in Haviland Stillwell’s debut album HOW I ROLE, won a Golden Globe for best song. Six degrees.

+ Claire Danes won Best Actress in a Mini-Series or Movie. She’s dating Hugh Darcy, from the book Pride and Prejudice.

Do you remember the last time Claire Danes won a Golden Globe?

This is what she said in 1995:  Wow. Um, wow. I thought this would be good to be natural and spontaneous but that wasn’t a really good idea,” and then later, “thank you, it’s a huge honor to be acknowledged at such a young age. Thank you everybody.” I don’t remember what she said this year.

+ Tina Fey & Steve Carrell had a cute/funny bit presenting Best Screenplay – Motion Picture. It was like Thursday Night Live.

When the writing awards were announced, I said “Sorkin’s gonna win that thing” and then guess what happened. HE DID, for The Social Network. Let Sorkin be Sorkin. (He’s my second-favorite TV writer of all time, after Alan Ball). Also, Aaron Sorkin thanked females for being female in his speech. FEMINISM IN EFFECT.

+ Angelina Jolie seemed ready to bust that pop stand.

+ This:

At the end of the show, The Social Network won a big prize. I actually saw that movie, so I feel like we were all big winners in general this evening.

How did you feel about this relatively inconsequential night of weirdness and homos?

Avatar of Riese

Riese is the 32-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1729 articles for us.

62 Comments

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    “Also, Aaron Sorkin just thanked females for being female. FEMINISM IN EFFECT.”

    SMH. Just SMH. I had to forget that he wrote that screenplay before I could pay to see that movie (although it was kinda great)

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    this was so gay. sooo so gay.
    cried when chris colfer won and i felt like a shmuck but everyone on tumblr was crying so it was okay.
    also lol’d at the camera going straight for jane lynch’s reaction. are u amused by this win, lesboactress?

    ALSO I DON’T KNOW WHO SHE IS but the woman who accepted best original song for the gayfest burlesque was a queero right? had to be.

    just googled her. wikipedia says

    “Most of (Diane) Warren’s songs deal with romantic themes. She has never married.”

    confirmed.

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    My fave moment was when whatshername won and started in on her mother was born here and her mother and her mother and her mother–and I’m all wtf? how many mothers were there? (yes, we were drinking at the Mexican place down the street)–and then they cut to Helena Bonham Carter–the look on her face was freakin’ priceless !

    Like a cross between WTF? How many mothers were there??!-and-Just shut this bitch up / Shoot me now–
    omg I laughed so hard…

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    All the gay winnings made my heart burst with happiness … I’m still sore over Helena’s loss, Johnny’s loss AND Black Swan’s loss though. Literally had to squeal every time queer related people and such won though. ;)

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    thank you guys for putting all of this up so i wouldn’t have to watch it. and thanks for getting a picture of olivia wilde so i wouldn’t even have to google it.

    you give me content i didn’t even know i needed until i get it and realize that i do.

    ok gonna go waste all that saved time nao.

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    Hang on a sec though, Glee won best comedy…..but Glee isnt even remotely laugh inducing? I know it was the only musical in the group but that doesnt necessarily means it deserves an award. Id say I may have giggled quietly once or twice at it, but then it got so boring I stopped watching. I do wonder how it beat 30 Rock and Modern Family, it baffles the mind!! Tiny Fey deserves ALL of the awards!

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    GLEE SHOULD NOT HAVE WON BEST COMEDY and I’m sad that there was no love for Inception — which is just SO AMAZING — but overall, happy w/ the general queerness of the globes.

    But srsly, we all know 30 Rock is the best comedy on tv. Not entirely sure how Boardwalk Empire walked away with best drama and best actor either…

    Also Halle Berry must be a vampire because she does not age at all and looks SO GOOD always. Don’t ever change, girl.

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    Omfg, what happendes to Megan Fox’ face? Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t liked her before this whole plastic thing. But, WTF?! She looks like a total different person. And I don’t like that either.
    And she is my age. Cruel.

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