Formspring Friday: More Than A Feeling

Hello fellow internet users who can’t access Wikipedia, welcome to Formspring Friday! We usually have Formspring Fridays on Friday, but you’ll notice that today is Wednesday. Try not to think about that. In the free time this presents you with, why don’t you help these five people live better lives? It’s the least you could do, really.

god don't you love nutella? unrelated.

5 Formspring Questions for You to Answer: 

1. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year. We keep having a different version of the same argument again and again. If she and I really were meant to be together forever, would this be happening?

2. I just got a scholarship for uni; except it’s a lgbtq scholarship. Being 17, I have to tell my (homophobic) parents about it before the media release comes out in our local paper in 1 month. How do I tell them? I don’t want to be thrown out again.

3. So I let one of my best friends borrow $50 a few weeks ago, and now she’s TOTALLY avoiding me. She won’t respond to my texts or my calls to hang out, and I just found out she went on a road trip w/ her other friends over the weekend. What do I do?

4. I think I am falling for one of my friends but the thing is I dont know if I like her because she is awesome or if its because she’s “there”? I am confused and debating if I should tell her or not how I feel.

5. I’m her first girlfriend and I want her to go down on me. How do I ask her to do this? It would be her first time doing this, but we’ve had sex before!

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Mmkay, lots for you to think about here. Lots for you to take in.

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Laneia is the Executive Editor and founding member of Autostraddle, and she thinks you're fucking rad. She's 33, has two kids, two dogs, one Megan, some personal essays and a lot of emails in her inbox.

Laneia Nicole has written 352 articles for us.

53 Comments

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    5. Just ask her. I had this ‘problem’ once with a former girlfriend and talk about it is the best way to handle it. Ask her if she feels uncomfortable doing it? Tell her that the first time (and following times) don’t have to be perfect. and give her some time to get used to the idea.

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    5. I had the same problem so one day when I was having sex with my gf she was kissing my neck and such and then I (gently) “pushed” her head down lol, we started laughing out of how weird that was but she got the message and told me she was afraid I might not like it so she didn’t take the first step. And after that everything was blissful, she’s a fast learner

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    1. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
    2. Not sure any “advice” will help..If they’re homophopic, they’re probs gonna be ungappy about any media mentions..Focus on the scholarship aspect..And know that whatever happens..You are loved here
    3. What’s more important to you..The money or the friend? Keeping in mind the answer may result in losing botthTell
    4. Is anyone ever really “sure”..Think she may be into it too? It’s a leap of faith..But if the friendship is strong enough it may be worth the risk of exploration
    5. I’m a firm believer in telling who I’m with what I like and want..And I ask her to do the same..It should be freely discussed..Playfully explored..Thoroughly enjoyed!

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      It sounds like which ever organisation is handing out the scholarship is pretty keen on queer rights. Maybe you could ask them to hold off on placing notices in at least the paper your parents read until you’re out of the house or in a more comfortable place in your life to come out. Or maybe you could ask for some measure of anonymity in whatever press eventuates.

      It really depends on whether your caution with telling your parents stems from discomfort or actual fear of their reaction. I think you should try to listen to your feelings as much as possible. Maybe you could work up to it by coming out to more friends and a more socially liberal family member? If confidence is all you lack, some good affirmation could help.

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    1 – Either you somehow never got to the core of the issue (which is easy to miss when you’re having an argument with someone), either you did but just can’t agree on it. Maybe you can talk about it with a third party like a therapist? How big/important is this thing you’re arguing about? If it’s really important to your lives/relationship and you really can’t agree nor put up with “agreeing to disagree”, well maybe the best thing to do would be to break up.
    Loving someone doesn’t always mean being compatible or “meant to be together forever” (which is a concept I’m personally not fond of to begin with because life and people and goals can change in unexpected ways etc but anyways), sometimes no matter how much you love each other you just can’t function together. Feelings can’t always fix everything. I know it hurts (been there) but trust me the longer you wait and try to put your love as a bandaid on the broken leg that is your relationship, the more it hurts when you have to admit it just doesn’t work and never will.

    2 – Oh shit this one is hard. First, congrats on your scholarship! Second : you have one month to come up with a backup plan in case they throw you out. I don’t know which resources you have at your disposal, maybe try to see if you can crash at a friend’s or another family member’s place, and contact your uni and/or the organism who granted you the scholarship to see if they can help in any way. If your uni classes aren’t too much time-intensive, maybe you can find a part-time job so you can afford a place to live or share with a friend/roommate or at least pay for your expenses if you’re staying at someone’s house. I don’t know how it works to get a room in a uni’s dorm, but if your school has one try to see if you can get one?
    As for HOW to come out to them, errr… Maybe you can try to first say you got a scholarship in a cool uni so they’ll be all happy and proud, and then when you add “btw it’s a LGBT scholarship ’cause I’m gay” the pill will be easier to swallow? Idk, coming out is so personal and dependent of the circumstances. Good luck!!

    3 – Ugggh I’ve had so much of these shitty “friends” it makes me angry just reading about it. Can you go to her house? Just go to her house unnanounced, and tell her you won’t leave until you get your money back (maybe bring a friend just in case). If she still lives with her parents tell them too! Don’t be like “uuuh hi you know I love you so much but I kinda want my money back you know?” Bitch stole you money and clearly has no intention of giving it back, and real friends don’t do that.
    Also it’s going to sound bitchy but if you have acquaintances in common, spread the word and warn them not to lend her anything. I know it mays backfire and starts drama, but it’s better than hearing your common friend next week cry about that Tegan and Sara CD she lent her and haven’t seen back yet. I knew a girl like that who would make besties with everyone so she could steal one thing here and another there and then deny everything, some people have no shame.

    4 – Hum I’m sure lots of ASers would have better advice to give so I’ll pass on this one.

    5 – If you haven’t went down on her yet, do it first and see if she returns the favor? Frankly I think sex is only a big deal if you make it to be one, so just ask her casually next time you’re having sex. If you’re already hooking up I doubt she’ll be like “what ew gross!”. Though if she doesn’t feel ready, make sure to comfort her and tell her it’s totally ok to wait and you still like her just as much. Sex should be fun for everyone!

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    2. ‘I just got a scholarship for uni; except it’s a lgbtq scholarship. Being 17, I have to tell my (homophobic) parents about it before the media release comes out in our local paper in 1 month. How do I tell them? I don’t want to be thrown out again’.

    Is there any way you can contact your local paper and explain the situation to them? Although they may have an obligation to print said information, they might also be willing to listen to you w/r/t the very real potential of Unfavourable/Bad Things Happening To You (And You Being a Young Person, Too!) if your parents find out about this.

    They may even just be able to print a pseudonym instead of your real name.. seriously, ask them. Explain your situation. Give them a chance to do something good and help you out. The fact you’re not independent and are young might aid you in this.

    …………..

    3. ‘So I let one of my best friends borrow $50 a few weeks ago, and now she’s TOTALLY avoiding me. She won’t respond to my texts or my calls to hang out, and I just found out she went on a road trip w/ her other friends over the weekend. What do I do?’

    If this was me, I would:

    Write an incredibly honest message detailing how she’s acting (ignoring you), why you think she’s doing it (owes you money, maybe feels guilty and is trying to avoid this by ignoring you, or simply- worst case scenario- does not want to have to pay you pack), and what conclusions you have drawn from this (she’s basically potentially being a bad friend), how it makes you feel (used…, questioning everything), and what you’re going to do now (not contact her till she pulls her weight).

    here’s a draft I’ve just written for ya though, to make it easier :)

    ‘Hey. So, I know I’ve contacted you a lot lately, but I just wanted to do it one more time… and this time, I’m going to be super honest. I’m also not going to contact you again after this until you contact me, because right now, I’m not really being met halfway and I’m honestly a little over sending unrequited communication (hey, I said I was going to be honest!)

    Basically, I can never be totally sure why you’re ignoring me- however- I have the feeling this is to do with the $50 I lent you.

    At the moment, it seems like you’re potentially ignoring me because a) you can’t pay me back and feel bad, or b) – worst case scenario and honestly not a very nice option within this friendship- you don’t WANT to pay me back.

    I recently learnt that you’ve gone on a road trip with mates too. This kind of supports the second theory, as these things cost money, and if you had money then.. well. You can work out the rest.

    I’m not going to lie- this, and the TOTAL lack of communication within it all, makes me feel somewhat used, and actually seriously question what this friendship means to you. That might sound full on but it’s the truth.

    I’m not saying that there’s not a good reason you’re ignoring me and haven’t paid me back… however, at the moment, I’m struggling to see what it is. And I believe that three of the most important parts of friendship include honesty, communication and respect. You’re kinda riding low on these three with regards to how you’re treating me at the moment. Yep.

    As I said, I’m not going to communicate with you again after this until you talk to me, but… well. This isn’t really just about $50. If you value this friendship above all things, please find a way to show me how. Because I actually deserve nothing less.

    Thanks.’

    OR you could say that in a lot less words. It’s up to you. It’s an option though :).

    ……..

    5. I’m her first girlfriend and I want her to go down on me. How do I ask her to do this? It would be her first time doing this, but we’ve had sex before!

    An option:

    ‘hey babe,
    I don’t know how you feel about this, and you’re completely welcome to not immediately want to jump on board if that’s how you feel but…
    I’ve been thinking, and it would be totally hot if you wanted to, you know.. okay, I’m just going to say this, eat me out sometime/go down on me/*insert euphemism here*

    I find it a huge turn on.

    I know the idea might be intimidating or just not appeal to you, and that’s okay- that’s why we’re talking about it, and honestly. I want you to be honest about this. And I’m not trying to set it up as an expectation or have you doing something you’re not ready for; my key focus is respecting what you’re okay with, and not even just that- what you really WANT to do when you want to do it. (actually, Autostraddle had a great article about consent that, amongst it (from memory), basically stressed the importance of the emphatic ‘YES!’ to doing something as being the best and most ‘feel okay before, during and afterwards’ way to go about sexual stuff. From experience, I tend to agree).
    (anyways, back to your speech-to-your-laday)

    …’I’d really like to hear your completely honest feelings and thoughts about this- and I want to reiterate that I completely respect and value wherever you’re at and will still love you regardless!
    So yeah… what do you think?’

    (I would probably involuntarily smile sheepishly at this point, hah).

    And then, if she’s for it, mention also that you want to reiterate that she can change her mind during things, because her saying ‘okay, let’s try it’ doesn’t mean that she mightn’t feel funny or *anything* during it all (although hopefully she wouldn’t and you’d have a right old time ;) ), and you don’t want her feeling obligated to do something, at all. Because no sort of sexy time should involve uncomfortable obligation. (That is decidedly unsexy, actually).

    So yes.

    These are my *long* draft answers to some questions. Ignore them if you wish.. or steal/edit/use at will.

    :)

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    I LOVE NUTELLA and I am going to make nutella buttercream this week. Results forthcoming.

    Anyway. Re number 1. What are you arguing about? Is it a major issue? Or is it an agree to disagree issue?

    Like, if your argument is ‘cake or pie,’ (both) or ‘which way does the TP roll go’ (doesn’t matter), then I think you’ll be okay. But if it’s something that really, really, really means a lot to both of you…you either need to get it resolved, or give up. Because you’ll be bitter forever if you can’t get over it.

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    2. You shouldn’t be put in this situation to begin with. I am assuming the media release is being printed at the request of your university, right? I would contact them and explain the media release puts you at risk of homelessness. If the scholarship is enough to let you be financially independent of your parents, then ask if they could delay publication until after you’ve moved out. If not, then try and come to a compromise, like them publishing the media release with your name changed.

    If they are really serious about LGBTIQ people having access to higher education, they won’t ask you to run the risk of being rejected by family and kicked out of your home just to receive the scholarship.

    Finally, congratulations, and good luck at university.

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    3. I have been burned badly with people not paying me back. Like $500 of badly with one friend. I would nip it in the bud. Text or email her with a ‘reminder’, say that you’re in need of the money, and ask whether she could get it back to you soon. Add that you don’t want to bankrupt her if she’s broke, and that you’d be happy to work out something that works for both if she can’t pay you back straight away. But don’t let it slide. From the behaviour you are describing, you run the risk of an avoidance spiral if you don’t.

    There’s no need to even address the friendship stuff at this point. Maybe she’s shy to talk to you because she can’t pay you and she doesn’t want to admit it. Maybe she’s mad at you over something else. Maybe she has just been busy. Maybe she’s using you. There are so many different explanations for her behaviour. But I think it’ll become clearer what’s up with your friendship when you start to address the money stuff with her.

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    (2) Surely your name won’t be printed if you explain the situation, especially considering that the people who awarded it must be aware of LGBTQ issues. I’d say contact the scholarship organization first since they are issuing the press release, and don’t stop until you actually speak to a person who has authority over this. If that doesn’t work– newspaper.

    If for some reason it does get printed, and you feel coming out puts your safety at risk– lie? You could say that you applied to a whole bunch and you were just picked for this one, you don’t know why… or that you just wrote an essay about LGBTQ rights in the US… or that you pledged to study/work for gay issues in school… etc. But just say that it wasn’t rewarded based on sexuality?

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      More specifically, You are a legal minor, you can call the paper directly and tell them that you do not want your name used in the paper and remind them that they’re not even allowed to use your name without your parents permission. (My parents wouldn’t even let the newspaper print my name if I got on the Honor Roll.)

      However some scholarships do have that as part of the terms of the award that you attend a dinner or provide an interview to a local newspaper or something like that. I would say speak with both parties and I’m sure you can figure out something but remember that getting your name out of the paper is really only a bandaid. If your parents are planning on having anything to do with your college financials that scholarship will show up along with who it is from and the name of the scholarship itself. Just something you should know. I hope all of this works out though. Its scary and stressful :(

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      Yeah, I was thinking – you could just say it’s about support for LGBT rights and that you’re an “ally” or something. A lot of those scholarships are open to straight people who are really supportive of LGBT rights.

      Though I agree with others – if the school or organization giving the scholarship is really committed to LGBT rights, they’re probably aware of the extreme risks some people run by coming out to their parents/community. You should see if you can explain the situation. Good luck!

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    4. Be sure. My best friend did this to me (and I was seriously in love with her) and now its clear it was just because I was there and we were close. It didn’t work and now the friendship is ruined, so know what you feel before you risk that.

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    4. I don’t think it necessarily has to be a one or the other kind of reasoning. I mean, maybe she’s awesome and also happens to be there? It seems from your choice of words that you clearly do believe she is awesome, so I don’t think you should worry too much about falling in love with her solely because she’s there.

    Another factor I’d consider when thinking about telling her about your feelings is whether she is the type of girl who might get weird about it and push you away. So if you aren’t sure about your feelings, and you aren’t sure about hers, maybe it’d be best to wait and see how things continue to develop (since this sounds like it’s still in the early stages of attraction).

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    1. I have a straight friend with this same issue. As I have said to her (MANY times) I would suggest A) put all your cards of the table (keeping in mind that some feelings may be hurt) and hash it out from start to finish until some type of agreement/compromise is reached. Or B) continue to have said argument while supressing how you really feel and subsequently causing tension in other areas of your relationship/life. Depending on the topic/severity of the argument this could go a whole lot of ways. Hopefully you have a good relationship, and by choosing option A you gain more understanding and empathy for each other, becoming stronger and more unified in the process. If this seems impossible to you, I fear your relationship may not be headed in the right direction. Good luck!!

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    1- My girlfriend and I were in a similar situation recently– we’d been together for a year and we kept having the same intense, allout, knock-down argument about what to do after I finish grad school. I wanted to stay in the city and start a career, she wanted to move to a small town and get a dog.

    So, you know, really big, possibly deal-breaking, are-our-basic-life-goals-even-compatible type stuff.

    Every time we had this argument, one of us would cave in, we’d stop fighting for a while, whoever made the compromise would get resentful, and off we’d go again.

    And every time I thought about issuing an ultimatum (“I’m staying in this city alone if I have to”), it broke my heart. I didn’t want what I wanted as badly as I wanted to stay with her.

    One morning at three am, it dawned on us that we didn’t have to have it one way or another, we could each give up something and still get what we wanted and stay together. So we worked out a compromise we were both happy with.

    I’m really glad we kept arguing until we worked it out, because we both had really great goals in mind, and I think we’ve made each other’s lives a lot better by combining them. The city was really good for her career prospects too, and who knew I’d turn out to be a dog person?

    It worked because we really wanted to stay together, because we fought fair, because our goals were compatible, and because we were both ok with making some sacrifices.

    But I don’t know whether my girlfriend and I are “meant to be together”(meant by who, and for what?). Every day we wake up next to each other and want to spend another day together is another day that we’re together, that’s all.

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    4. I was in a situation like this. I had just started to question my sexuality and the only queer girl I knew was my soprano section leader who was also a close friend. She was the first person I came out to, since she was the only person I could run to while spazzing and waving my arms about and babbling about oh hell am I bi that’d be so inconvenient what do I doooooo. She was really supportive, I fell for her massively, and a month later after a lot of angst I felt that the Truth Must Be Told and wrote a note at 3 AM on choir tour sitting on the edge of a hotel bathtub and left it in her choir folder the next day. It was a really awkward apologetic note.

    She didn’t return the feelings, but she gave me a hug and sent me to my uni’s LGBTQ center, and I realized that there were in fact other gay girls in the universe many of whom I wanted to see naked more than her. We’re still really tight friends. It worked out pretty ideally.

    So with my friend, yeah, in hindsight I just loved her because she was there, but telling worked out well. Since I don’t do well with pent-up emotion it took a load off my shoulders, and I had a feeling she wouldn’t freak out, and she didn’t, and I figured myself out in the process. It really depends on your friend. Is she gay or straight? Do you know? if not can you ask? Can you get involved with any kind of LGBTQ group to meet other girls to see if any of them make you feel the way you do about her?

    Good luck!

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    hahahah this is the part where I sheepishly admit that I am #5 *raises hand in the air/face turns red* I DIDNT THINK I’D MAKE IT IN A POST!!! And I asked her, and she said yea it took her 2 tries before she could get herself to go for it hahah she laughed uncontrollably the first time she tried hahaha I laughed too I cant wait to show her this. Long story short she did it, she likes it,she’s good at it, we laugh about it, and as far as advice goes it was a combo of asking her flat out in a non-sexual situation/”in the heat of the moment” so to speak. Thanks for all the kind words ladies, I’m sure everyones advice would have worked well!

    -Officer H

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    1) i had the same problem with my ex, the argument was about the fact that i didn’t text her enough. Every time it would end by me saying: you cant force a person to text you more, and then the relationship ended because she found someone who did text her more.

    But I suppose it all depends on what the argument is about, if its about something as fundamental as receiving more than 10 text messages every day (cough) you can’t just agree to disagree.

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    hmmm….#2:

    First off, congratulations!! This LGBT scholarship is a wonderful reward reflecting your overall queer fabulosity so there. But the parents….well girl, sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire. As mentioned above, develop an exit strategy in case you get tossed out. However, sometimes the best defense is a good offense! Contact the scholarship people, let them know your concerns, have the press release involve an interview or at least, a quote or two in which you say something about all those queer kids being tossed out by their parents and that even you! The Fabulous Scholarship Winner had experienced the same thing! (Imagine!!) This way, it’ll be public and there is really no way your parents would toss you with that kind of public scrutiny–good luck and to repeat it, you’re loved here…

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    1. I don’t know, but I also need to know this.
    2. If you are thrown out, where will you go? Decide. Then you are prepared for the worst, just in case.
    3. You are out 50 bucks. Sorry.
    4. Go with your heart. It could be just ’cause she’s there, but it doesn’t make it any less real.
    5. Depends on your relationship. Are you in a place where you could simply ask her? I also loved the put her head there suggestion. It works!;)

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    3. Some of the best advice I was ever given: Don’t lend anything to a friend that you don’t mind never getting back again. When I lend money to a friend, I make sure it’s an amount that I can afford to lose. They’ve always paid me back, but I’ve never spent energy worrying over when or if they would.
    But I have to wonder how good a friend this person is if she takes your $50 and disappears. I don’t know all the details, but this sounds like a person I would write off, along with the cash. If she really is your best friend, she’ll understand when you sit her down and say WTF? Maybe she just forgot she owed you, or thought it was a gift. Either way, if you want your money, you’ll have to track this girl down and ask for it.

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      I feel your pain, meriadoc. I’ve had nut allergies since I was a little kid, so I just have to deal with generic chocolatey spread.

      It sucks especially hard when an allergy pops up out of nowhere, though. It gets easier with time.

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    1. next time you argue, make yourself some toast with nutella on it. this will keep your mouth closed long enough to hear what she has to say which could be good since you guys keep rehashing the same issue. it will also put you in a good mood so that maybe you can see the argument in a different light.
    2. make cupcakes and write “i’m gay” on them in nutella. no one is angry at nutella.
    3. give her a bit of nutella. tell her you’ll sell her the rest of the jar for $50
    4. does she like hazelnuts? if not, she’s not worth it.
    5. spread some nutella on your clit*

    *jkjkjkjk yeast infections hello.

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    1. There is no such thing as “meant to be.” We choose to stay in our relationships because the benefits of staying outweigh the benefits of leaving. Is this argument a dealbreaker? Can you live with agreeing to disagree or compromising? You and your partner are the only people who can answer that.

    There are always things that my wife and I argue about. Sometimes, we argue about certain things many times. (Right now, it’s the fact that I don’t like Game of Thrones as much as she does, but that’s another story.) And we’ll be celebrating our 11th anniversary of being together in March.

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    #3, my father always said something along the lines of if you lend anyone anything you shouldn’t expect to get it back. no trust! but it’s just a fact of life that sometimes a lend turns into a gift and you gotta learn to be discerning and a little less generous.

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    Re the scholarship: Is there a media release rights form you could sign? I’ve seen various organisations give those out if they plan to involve you in any media and often you can declare that you *don’t* want to be identified for media releases. In any case, I’d suggest contacting the organisation and letting them know; they’re writing the media release, they’re the ones who know which paper it’s going to and who’s going to read it, it’s their responsibility. Contacting the local paper probably wouldn’t help much because it’d get lost in the system.

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