5 Ways To Try Out Kinky Headspace for Beginners, Experts, and Everyone In Between

Feature image of Zayn for the leather coven.


So there’s this thing — in kinky culture, it tends to be called “headspace.” It’s when you are swimming in the whatever role you’re in, dominant or submissive, top or bottom. It could be “bottom space” or “dom space” or “little space” or “puppy space” or whatever kind of space you are seeking or playing within. It’s often what people aim for when we play, often that infinite-floaty space that seems boundless and fills our heads with the same thing as chocolate and wine.

Know what I mean? Yeah. I thought you did.

But how do you get it? You want more of it, don’t you? Maybe you want more of it specifically about dominance and submission? Well, I’ve got some ideas.

See, you’re dirty. You may not think I know this about you, but I do. You’re dirty in all the best, queerest ways. Don’t get me wrong — there is nothing bad or shameful about the heart-filled, lust-filled sexytimes play that you, in your deepest secret fantasies, desire. You do you, right?

But I know sometimes you want… more. You see her sexy, gorgeous thighs, that curve of her hips, the way she crosses her legs, and you get that growl, that heat coming up from down low. Sometimes, fucking isn’t enough. Sometimes, you want to give over every inch of you, be wrung out and emptied until you are giddy and glorious. Or, you want to take, to envelop, to grab handfuls of her and yank and pull and throw.

Yeah. Those are the headspace moments I want us to talk about.

What do you do when you need it that bad? How do you make it last, make it extraordinary? How do you make your own skin worthy of the magic that can happen when your body crashes together with hers?


 

1. Get consent, get permission, but then… make her wait.

Deny her the very thing she most wants. Call her on it: Oh, you want this? My mouth? More kisses? You like my hands on you? You want me to touch you more — there? Right there? Right fucking there? Aren’t you a dirty girl. Aren’t you a bad boi. Aren’t you the most sexy luscious gorgeous creature I have ever had the holy privilege of lusting after. Fuck. Make her wait until neither of you can handle it anymore. Pull the sling shot back until the cord is just going to break with the strain, any moment — and then: let it go.

2. Give permission, give consent, but then… make her wait.

Don’t give in right away. Push back, just a little. It’s a game. She fills you up with power and then you wiggle it all the way through your body. You don’t have to downright deny, but go slow, one delicious inch of your skin at a time. She wants you to turn over? Use your words and call her on it, “Oh, are you trying to turn me over? Trying to undo my bra now? You want to see more of my skin? Think I’m that kind of girl?” Read her reactions. If she backs off, give more permission. Give more consent. If she growls back at you, she wants to play this game, too.

3. Make her earn it.

Recognize exactly what she wants, get the green light for going forward, and then tell her she has to do something else first. Oh, you want this, sweetheart? Suck my toes first. Get down on all fours and show me yours. Show me how wet you are. Use your fingers. No, use your other hand. Don’t put them in, just go slow. Slower. Slower still. (Wait until she is groaning.) Strip real sexy, and maybe I’ll let you. Get me water with two ice cubes, and I’ll consider it. No — not like that. Crawl for me.

4. Make your desires present.

Just because you’re submitting doesn’t mean you can’t want, crave, need. Let your hunger be big. Let her know what you love, what you don’t love. Let her know you have fantasized about this, about being shoved around (you could even do it harder if you want), about her strap-on, about her fingers in you (not yet no not yet baby, please), about her mouth all over you (fuck you feel good, you could bite me if you want, yeah like that, tear into me). You can want all the things you want. That isn’t “topping from the bottom” — it’s giving your dominant even more information of things to use with you, to gift you, to deny you, to tease you.

5. Beg.

Use your words. Say please. Say it again. If you hit on a phrase that makes her swoon and makes your boner stand at attention, say it again. It isn’t poetry — well, it is, but it’s also smut. It’s raunch. It’s adoration of every sweat gland and muscle ripple she’s got. Say: I want you so hard. Say: I can’t wait to feel you inside me, do it now, please more, please catch me and take me down, please make me take it all. Say: I need it I need it. Goddamn that feels so good. (No not there — left — there — yes — there. Stay there. More. Harder. Yes. Please. Audrelorde yes please.) Remember to always say “thank you” if someone gives you suggestions for how to touch their body in bed. You did nothing wrong, and they are giving you a gift of instruction. Remember to ask. Remember to pay attention with every sense your body has: sight smell taste touch hearing.

Make it slow, excruciatingly so, until you can feel each electrical fray on the pads of your fingers, until your skin is shimmering everywhere your bodies touch. Make it rough, grab hold of her and don’t let go. Get consent, of course. Text her all day with your dirty plans to resist, to push, to open. Claw at her chest until her heart shines, until yours both shine, until the light seeps into all the dark places and for just a few moments, you feel right.


Want to expand your submissive skillset? Come play with Sinclair in the Submissive Playground ecourse, enrolling for the summer session until June 30. Mention you heard about it through Autostraddle and receive a $25 discount on any package.

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Sinclair Sexsmith is a feminist dominant, poet and strap-on expert who writes the award-winning sex blog Sugarbutch Chronicles.

sinclair has written 2 articles for us.

38 Comments

  1. Thumb up 25

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    Ummmmmm so this was the hottest thing ever

    And then I got to “audrelorde yes please” and started laughing hysterically.

    Please, more articles. For all the reasons. Dear audrelorde, please. I’m begging you….

  2. Thumb up 4

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    Going to add, when I first started dating my girlfriend I was lightly in the kink community and had a Dom. She had no experience (and didn’t really “get it” at first), but she’s been learning and I’ve been patient, and it’s been fun to see her Top side come out. I will definitely pass this article to her!

  3. Thumb up 2

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    Oh, yes, Daddy. I love it when you write that dirty stuff and I can imagine you growling these words in my ears. Yes, please, do it again, PLEEEEEASE!!!

  4. Thumb up 4

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    “Claw at her chest until her heart shines, until yours both shine, until the light seeps into all the dark places and for just a few moments, you feel right.”

    I loved this, and the closing was beautiful. Because all dirty things aside, that’s what it’s really about.

  5. Thumb up 0

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    Did #2 make anyone else uncomfortable or just me? “give permission, give consent”… Yes there’s some sort of implication that the person wants to do this but it wasn’t explicit. I think there’s a real need to be super explicit about everyone involved wanting to be involved before they “give permission” or “give consent”

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      Hey Emily:

      I agree with you – I would always get explicit consent before assuming things about playing, especially with anybody new. This is kind of geared toward people who are already dating, who already like messing around sexually to some degree or another and generally want to continue to play.

      Sorry if that wasn’t clear. Consent is hugely important to me and I always believe in being explicitly clear. But after that consent is generally clear, and the boundaries are fairly well established … That’s what this is for. Some places to play more, push and pull more.

      Thanks for reading & thinking!

      Sinclair

  6. Thumb up 3

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    Damn. I may have read this a few times and it’s still just so good. And I sent it to my awesome ladyfriendperson (labels are weird) and we’ve had even better sexy texting conversations than usual–both more playful and more intense. Not seeing her until Monday is killing me but I have a feeling it will be worth the wait.

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