Your Top Five Questions About Being Vegan, Answered

What do you eat?

A lot of beans and grains. Sometimes tofu, but not as often as you probably think. Kale and spinach. Recycled car tires. Lots of stuff from the Brassicaceae family, like broccoli and cauliflower. VHS tapes. Coffee grounds. Quinoa. Hubcaps. Lentils. Lightbulbs.


In a hyberbolic and unlikely situation where only meat was available, would you eat it?

When a vegan’s faith is strong, there is always vegan food available. We refer you to the Chili Event of 1993, when a group of vegans in a tornado shelter for two days had only Hormel chili to eat. Lo and behold, through the miracle of veganism, those cans of chili became cans of Amy’s Organic Chili. Praise Amy’s Organic Chili!

Don’t you miss cheese?

When you reach level 5 of veganism, you are trained in vibrational exercises that mimic the sensation of eating cheese to your brain. The range of 3-4 MMI tastes like cheddar; between 4 and 5 tastes like mozzarella, and so on.

What about fish? Can you eat fish?

We can, but have chosen not to. When the species war begins, we’ll need their goodwill.


How do you get your protein?

From you. We’re taking it from you.

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Originally from Boston, MA, Rachel now lives in the Midwest. Topics dear to her heart include bisexuality, The X-Files and tacos. Her favorite Ciara video is probably "Ride," but if you're only going to watch one, she recommends "Like A Boy." You can follow her on twitter and instagram.

Rachel has written 1142 articles for us.


  1. As a person who was vegan for five days of April, I can confirm the truthiness of all of this

  2. I made sautéd kale with lightbulbs and coffee grounds last week and I’m still enjoying leftovers. All it needs is a lil braggs and some vegenaise.

  3. Haha. Love this.

    Them: “What about bacon tho?”
    Me: “ugh. Shut up.”

    Also – “Don’t you miss cheese?”
    I can safely say that hell no, I don’t miss it because I never liked it.

  4. “No, it’s okay; they have turkey burgers here!” -___-

    But seriously, this article was perfection.

  5. Very cool. I just have one more question. How long do you have to be a vegan before you get your psychic powers?

    • The powers aren’t automatic–becoming vegan is just the first step, and a lot of people choose to stay there. The more ambitious vegans–those who desire the ability to throw romantic rivals through walls and play bass with the power of their minds–may apply to the highly selective Vegan Academy. There, they complete years of rigorous training. Sleep is short. Nights are cold. Recitation of the Veganomicon begins at daybreak. You may only have one Tofutti Cutie with dinner.

      When you have hardened your fists in rivers of boiling veggie broth and charged your mind with the lightning power of the immersion blender, you are ready to face Peter Singer in single combat. If you survive and your advisor is happy with the quality of your coursework, the secrets of the ancient vegans will be revealed to you. The graduation ceremony is long and joyous; you will feast on tempeh and mushroom gravy.

      After that you still have to get certification. Theoretically the Academy prepared you, but you’ll still spend three or four weeks cramming. If you pass, congratulations! You’re 14 years older and $135,000 in debt, but you can lift a taco truck at 30 paces. Get ready to rule the world.

      • I dunno…that sounds awesome but way too intense for me. I guess I’m not ready to apply for Vegan Academy…yet.

        Maybe I’ll just learn how to play mediocre bass, or date a girl with cool hair and lots of vengeful exes. What could possibly go wrong?

  6. This article is full of wisdom and win. When people start with the obnoxious questions, I shall simply give them this url.

  7. Shredded supermarket bags are found everywhere, in the canal, behind the dumpsters, and in public toilets, and come up beautifully with a little wipe and hand sanitiser. All you need is some lemon pepper salt, a tomato sliced, a mandolin, and shredded supermarket bags are a tasty wholesome snack. Who said you can’t have your cake and eat it too?

  8. My personal favourite question is “why don’t you look sick?”, or the comment, “but you look really healthy?!?”, as if looking pasty and exhausted is a requirement of veganism.

    The protein question comes a close second. I feel like photocopying a table of plant foods high in protein and just shoving it into their hands whenever asked. Urgh.

    I can’t wait until I have a kid so that people can tell me how I’m going to deform my child in pregnancy and breastfeeding (with evil kale and quinoa, obv).

  9. I was vegan once, and people didn’t get it. Now I’m gluten free because of celiac, and people always say, “Oh, you’re vegan?” No winning.

  10. Sooo I am not even remotely vegan, but I felt the need to comment because the woman in that last photo is gorgeous and I’m a little bit drunk and she can chop my peppers any time.
    Not quite sure what that’s a euphemism for due to the aforementioned drunkenness, but we can just assume it involves ladysex.

    I know I shouldn’t be objectifying women, but damn, she is stunning.

    • Also just realized that I only comment on here when I’m drunk, though I’ve been a silent-but-every-day reader for at least two years.
      Also just realized that I am currently replying to my own comment, which is probably somewhat less than socially acceptable.

      • you’re winning the game of life, Mikasaurus, and are an inspiration to all of us

  11. How do you get your protein?
    From you. We’re taking it from you.

    HAHAHAHAHA! The 786th time my mother asks me this (or next week) I am going to say this to her.

  12. Favorite ever Autostraddle article to date. It even tops cargo pants. Stupendous.

  13. I cook for a vegan a lot and I’ve never even touched tofu

    (well except when my health nut sister makes it)

  14. This makes me so happy. They can also apply to vegetarians (sorta) and its basically how I explain vegetarianism to people.

  15. That second one really got me. I once told someone that if I ABSOLUTELY needed to do it in order to survive, I would eat part of another person. The rest of that car ride was pretty silent, which I guess means I won.

Comments are closed.