Boobs (On Your) Tube: “Wynonna Earp” Wraps Its Lesbian In A Bullet-Proof Vest

It’s been a weird couple of weeks, my friends. I got flattened by what I’m pretty sure was The Plague after I got home from A-Camp and I’ve been having some debilitating anxiety and panic attacks and now I’m in Detroit for our yearly Senior Editors super mega planning shakedown. I had intended to write a standalone post for the Orphan Black finale, but I’ve run out of time to do that, so I’m sticking that here in Boob(s On Your) Tube so we can talk about it together without further delay.

Next week I plan to start recapping The Fosters in earnest. The first two episodes of this season were way too intense for me, in the wake of Orlando, as they dealt with a potential mass shooting and then a The Call Is Coming From Inside The House scenario at Stef and Lena’s.

I’ll also start catching us up on Pretty Little Liars on Monday, so we can get back to regularly scheduled recaps on Wednesdays.

Until then, here’s what’s happening on queer TV!


Orphan Black

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Orphan Black‘s fourth season was easily the tightest and best executed season since its very first one. The Big Bad was manageable — just plain old Neolution — as the story zoomed in on the lives of the Leda clones we’ve grown to know and love (and love to hate), instead of zooming out to reveal more shadowy figures and Castor clones and religious cults and military organizations and whatever other things weren’t Tatiana Maslany’s singular brand of magic.

I watched the finale three times and was blown away with every single new viewing about the fact that Maslany played the sociopathic villain who finally rose to the top of her game after selling out her sestras, the chaotic good moral center who risks everything to save her sestras, the dying hero, the comic relief, the straight-laced suburbian, and Helena too. Over the course of the season, she played seven characters that are worthy of Emmys. Every archetype. And that was especially true in the finale. She stabbed someone! She nearly died, twice! She was Krystal! KRYSTAL!

The biggest shock of “From Dancing Mice to Psychopaths” wasn’t that the Victorian era founder of Neolution is still alive, but that Delphine is working for him on The Island, and when Cosima and Charlotte end up there after running away from Susan’s mansion to escape a knife-wielding Rachel, Delphine promptly takes off her clothes and hops into bed with Cosima to keep her from dying of hypothermia. MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE FAN FICTION TROPE! Cosima tells Delphine she found the cure and brought it with her. “Their homework,” she calls it. And Delphine tells her not to share that information with anyone else. She’ll treat her and treat her and save her and save her, but Cosima has to be quiet about it. Swantown is not a very safe place to be.

Season five is the final hurrah. If it’s as good as season four, Orphan Black may just go down as my favorite TV drama of all time.


The Fosters

TERI POLO, SHERRI SAUM

Right. So. The Fosters opened with an active shooter situation last week and let the shooter into the Adams-Foster house this week. I owe Lucy Hallowell everything for giving me a heads up on how anxiety-inducing this week’s episode was going to be, all horror film angles and shadows and WHO’S IN THE CLOSET? (Not the metaphorical homosexual closet. Like the literal closet, with a gun.) Look, obviously, it’s Degrassi Nick in there with his dad’s pistol. He’s had a bad life, sounds like maybe he’s got schizophrenia, and ends up pulling a gun on Mariana and then crying in her arms. Stef saves the day after Callie makes the first good decision of maybe her whole life and calls her mom for help instead of trying to throw her tiny body onto a fully armed man. Related: Brandon remains the worst. He moves in with his girlfriend after telling Stef she can’t tell him not to sleep with his foster sister. THE WORST.


Veep

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Marjorie made it out alive! Stacy and I spent most of this season of Veep being alternately delighted at Catherine’s new romance with her mother’s former Secret Service lookalike, and terrified that her lookalike-ness was going to get Marjorie shot. In fact, until the credits rolled on season five, neither of us believed she was going to survive. She sure did, though! What did not survive was Catherine’s “documentary,” Kissing Your Sister. Oh, and also Selina’s presidency. She lost the House vote to another woman, and despite all her machinations to try to ensure that she was leaving behind a legacy, the new president got credit for freeing Tibet before her inauguration speech was even over.

It was a pretty bleak ending to a very funny season. I can’t wait to see what Catherine and Marjorie do with their rescued animal farm. They may be the only people with jobs when we return!


Wynonna Earp

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WYNONNA EARP! Wynonna Earp is the biggest surprise of 2016 TV to me. What I said in my review of the pilot is still true: It’s like if Buffy and Lost Girl had a very Canadian baby that they raised deep in the heart of Texas. But it’s so much more than that. The relationship between Wynonna and Waverly is one of the best sibling relationships I’ve seen on TV in a long time. And the relationship between Waverly and Haught is maybe the sweetest queer love story I’ve ever watched. Waverly Earp really is the bisexual cupcake this TV season needed to keep me from breaking down and/or hurling my actual television into the sun.

And get this: Haught got shot in the finale. Shot right in the chest. But she was wearing a BULLET-PROOF VEST. Waverly and Wynnonna’s older sister, Willa, is the one who shoots her, after calling her Waverly’s “girlfriend.” When Haught takes the bullet, she doesn’t bleed, and Waverly thinks she’s a Revenant, but actually’s it’s that vest. Waverly confesses her love, smooches Haught right on the mouth, hands clasped around her precious face, and the whole time the music is like THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS AND ISN’T IT GRAND.

It is! It is grand!

The episode ends with Waverly and Willa having to take down their erstwhile brainwashed sister, and then Waverly scooping up some goop from the mayhem and accidentally turning evil. I’m sure it won’t stick. Her face is too sweet for her to be anything other than perfect. (Oh, one thing she is not is: an Earp! She’s adopted!)

Heather Hogan is an Autostraddle senior writer who lives in New York City with her partner, Stacy, and their cackle of rescued pets. She's a member of the Television Critics Association, the Gay and Lesbian Entertainment Critics Association, and a Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer critic. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Heather has written 1004 articles for us.

37 Comments

  1. UGh The Fosters! After every horror movie gotcha moment I had to pause so I could BREATHE again. Too much! I don’t need that kind of anxiety and reality in my ridiculously soap opera-ish teenage slightly queer tv shows. Uncalled for.

  2. God bless Emily Andras for not only thumbing her nose at the Dead Lesbian Trope but going above and beyond by LITERALLY PUTTING HER IN A BULLET PROOF VEST to save her from said bullet, and then having the ladies smooch good and proper.

    Everyone else outta the pool.

    All Hail.

  3. 1) Why is there a “Scream” tag in this article? Did you forget to add a “Scream” recap?
    2) If you like Wynonna and Waverly’s sister bond, you should definitely watch “Supergirl”. Kara may introduce Eliza Danvers as her foster mom, but she always talks about Alex as her sister. Plus….ALEX NEEDS A GIRLFRIEND!

  4. [KIND OF Wynonna Earp SPOILERS]
    I’ll admit to having a moment of anxiety when Willa was pointing the gun at Nicole. I knew Emily Andras had promised they were both alive by the end of the finale, but it’s hard to let my guard down. I had to go back and watch only the Wayhaught scenes after it was done, because I was too tense during the episode itself. I’m glad this show and Wayhaught exist :D

  5. I love Steph Foster. I love her so much. So much. So much. The first two episodes were SO HARD to watch, but Steph protecting her family was just, full on **heart eyes emoji**

    And then when she was holding Nick (who I hated right up until this very moment) and kept comforting him that “It’s all over now” “It’s ok. It’s all over now”

    To show that kind of compassion for the teen shooter who was terrorizing your child? To see that something else was terrorizing him?

    **HEART EYE EMOJI TIMES A THOUSAND HEART EYE EMOJIS**

  6. And this if for Heather Hogan–

    Heather, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had a rough go of it these last few weeks. I hope that a long weekend in my beloved home state is able to give you some of the rejuvenating energy that it often gives me. I just wanted you to know that you’ve been in my thoughts and I’m sending lots of positive energy and comforting thoughts and Mary Berry gifs your way!

    Hope you feel better soon (if you’re not feeling better already) <3

  7. It’s both kinda cute but sad a thing that Waverly’s first thought is “oh no my gf that I love is a demon, what do” rather than “cop gf wore her bulletproof vest today”

    Survive and thrive Officer Haught!
    Long live the good ship Naverly.

  8. The Fosters is so much right now. Aside from the active shooter situation and Brandon and Callie’s revelation (props to Stef for calling Brandon out for taking advantage of Callie’s vulnerability), the Jack story slaughtered my heartstrings. All of Jude’s lines this episode: “At least he’s out of the system,” and “You finally have a home.” UGH. </3

  9. I will say this a thousand times (as I have on Twitter) I wish Wynonna Earp was being shown in the UK. Can someone pick it up please? We need this Buffy Lostgirl Canadian baby. We need it so bad, we are suffering the wrath of Brexit. Give us the Earps!

  10. There’s so much I could say about the first two episodes of The Fosters but all I really want to say is:

    BRANDON IS THE WORST. THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

    Your sister is being threatened by a gun wielding madman and you need to leave to “help your girlfriend move” (which I guess is a euphemism for shagging because that’s what they end up doing)? And then, when your cop mom comes to get you, you throw a temper tantrum and decide to move in with your girlfriend without bothering to ask her first?

    Stef’s a better person than me because first, I would’ve taken his keys and said when he was adult enough to pay for everything himself, he could buy it back. Then I woulda been like:

    BOY BYE!

    THAT KID IS THE WORST.

  11. I loved the Wynonna Earp finale! When Willa is threatening to shoot Nicole if Wynonna doesn’t give her the gun, and wynonna hesitates then Waverly pleads all teary-eyed “I love her” = ❤️❤️❤️

  12. Heather, in the last couple of weeks I’ve also dealt with some anxiety/panic/insomnia crap that came out of the blue, so I offer you some weary sympathetic consensual Internet hugs.

    As for TV, I have watched and re-watched the WayHaught compilation videos on YouTube (even though I’ve never actually seen a whole episode of the show because all I have is sad Canadian Netflix), and their meet-cute in the bar is one of the best things my eyes have ever beheld.

  13. I loved the Wynonna Earp finale! That moment when Willa is about to shoot Nicole if Wynonna doesn’t give her the gun, and Waverly pleads with Wynonna all teary-eyed whispering “I love her” = ❤️❤️❤️

  14. I inexcusably gave up on The Fosters, because Brandon is making me literally yell at the TV screen.
    Most of the rest of the time is spent quietly groaning.
    I bought the first two seasons on iTunes, though, to support the show.

  15. P.S.: I’ve been listening to “OK Computer” on repeat and started watching “Mr.Robot” to cope with Person of Interest ending.
    However, I keep imaging a pre-Team Machine Root into the role of Elliot and just how awesome would that be?
    Still my favorite spin off idea.

  16. That initial Buffy/Lost Girl/Texas comparison was what got me hooked on Wynonna Earp – what a fun ride. #RenewWynonnaEarp

    My favorite thing about the bulletproof vest twist is that, when Officer Haught was introduced in episode 2 and we all were saying “get that girl a bulletproof vest!”, show writer Emily Andras thought spoilers had leaked about the season finale.

  17. This week on crappy Freeform drama Guilt:

    I learned one queer girl’s name! Roz is the one who’s more connected to the whole underground pimping thing. But this week she’s getting in trouble by blackmailing the sleazy rich guy. She gets a big hunk of cash and we’re treated to Roz and gf rolling around a bed full of cash in their underwear. I’d call the gf by name but I still haven’t figured out what the hell her name is.

  18. Can you add Scream to boobs on your tube? It is pretty great and this season is focusing more on Audrey. She doesn’t have a new girlfriend yet but I’m hoping cause I love Bex Taylor-Klaus.

    Also yeah, these first two episodes of the fosters were really difficult for me to watch

  19. Orphan Black finale was amazeballs, just for the acting alone. I can’t imagine anything TM could do in the rest of her career that will measure up to this. I wish there wasn’t such a long time between seasons, but I bet shooting is incredibly exhausting.

    I still watch The Fosters, but I feel like it’s gotten bogged down in repetitive teens drama (I don’t mean continual teen drama, I mean the same exact drama on repeat). I think they have written themselves into a corner in a number of ways that I don’t see how they’ll get out of effectively, and it’s very disappointing. And yet, I will no doubt stay until the bitter end, because LENA AND STEF. And one thing I do trust is that they won’t kill off either of the moms, so there’s that.

    I wish they were trying to court more of an adult audience than just the teens, because I think the desire to be primarily watched by teenagers is going to keep the show from ever really getting away from the plots I find personally least interesting.

    I’m also really upset by the total change in Jude’s character and the disappearance of Connor. I know there was backstage drama influencing that, but I think that only makes it worse, because it shows that the show can’t be depended on to actually control the story and follow through, that they are going to be subject to BS changes in direction for stupid reasons.

  20. A couple of things about the Wynonna Earp part:

    It’s actually Wynonna who thinks she could be a revenant not Waverly, and it’s Waverly and Wynonna that have to try and take down Willa (as opposed to Waverly and WIlla going after Wynonna).

    That being said, I’ve been in a rough place after everything fictional and not fictional happening to us and this season of Wynonna Earp feels like it has wrapped me in a blanket, brought me a cup of tea and kissed me on the head. The whole Wayhaught storyline felt like a personalized love letter and the amount of love and care put into it from the writers and the actors and the whole crew has helped heal my battered little heart.

  21. I’m really glad you’re going to be recapping PLL again! I binged season 6 over the weekend and watched the season 7 episodes today so I’m all caught up and looking forward to the new recap posts!

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