Obviously the broad generalizations about how women’s attitudes towards homemaking and babies shift after they turn 30 are baseless as a universal truth and often harmful. Also and additionally, almost immediately after turning 30 I picked up the hobby of window shopping for doll furniture and accessories to give to the pets in my life, frequently not even my own pets. We contain multitudes! Carol also contains multitudes, and one of her many facets is that she is a material girl living in a material world. Here are the chic, homey and stylishly functional home goods I have picked out for Carol to fully outfit her West Hollywood bungalow in preparation for its inevitable Apartment Therapy spotlight.
Couch Potato
1 Floral Couch // 2 Pink Polka Dot Sectional // 3 Upholstered Sofa Bed
Carol already spends a lot of time on human couches: entertaining guests, posing for Instagram, accompanying her mother during editorial conference call meetings, shivering. If Virginia Woolf were a small dog, however, she might have written that each small dog needs a couch of her own. Ranging from the fun n’ flirty to the iconoclastically vintage to the grown n’ sexy West Elm of small dogs, these couches are Carol-sized just for her. Also I believe the floral one opens up into some kind of jewelry storage, which is neat.
Working Girl
1 Desk Set // 2 TV Stand with Book Storage // 3 Office Supplies and Shelving // 4 Carol-Sized Macbook
Nearly tied with her primary hobby and interest of ‘shivering,’ Carol’s most important preoccupation in life is her mom, the CEO of Autostraddle dot com. With this ergonomic and stylish desk set, shelving to hold her reference books, and TV stand with which to watch and recap the shows pushing the envelope when it comes to representation of small dogs, Carol is all set to be just like her mom when she grows up, which will be never, because she is a small dog.
Make It Fashion
1 Framed Botanical Prints // 2 Hanging Plant // 3 Succulents // 4 Framed Photo of Mom
Carol doesn’t like to talk about it because she doesn’t want to sound gauche, but she’s really something of an influencer. For her to have the Instagram-worthy sun-drenched LA apartment to match her lifestyle, she’ll need this hanging plant, 18 different kinds of succulents, and also some framed prints of other plants to really drive the point home. And of course no apartment of Carol’s would be complete without a striking centerpiece of a framed photo of her mother, in this case cradling Carol’s previous incarnation, Tinkerbell (who shivered less but was also a purse).
Sweet Dreams
1 Trundle Bed // 2 Scalloped Doll Bed // 3 Canopy Bed
Carol’s days are long and grueling, between the shivering, going out for walks, and sometimes being carried to various social events where she is passed around between Riese’s friends laps and shivers in a new and exciting location. When it’s all over, she deserves to retreat to her private bedchambers. The bedroom is the most personal space in a home, and Carol’s bed should reflect her truest inner self, which is that she is a tiny princess. Whether it’s this fairy pink canopy bed, demure floral scalloped number, or the trundle bed with storage for Carol’s many fashion ensembles, she’ll drift off to dreamland with her brand intact.
Please make the pet version of the Gender Traitor shirt a reality. It is the most on brand thing for my dog and she needs it. Carol understands.
I still regret not having bought one for my 12lbs yorkie
carol is wearing the Gender Traitor baby onesie in that pic but they sold out!!!
“If Virginia Wolf were a small dog, however, she might have written that each small dog needs a couch of her own.”
This is my favorite line on the entire internet today.
Also, she would have been writing as Virginia Woof.
Aarrrrrr(gh)
i too loved that line!!!
i love this, i live for auto fools day, thank you carolstraddle staff
I know; it is like our own queer holiday. Where we just bask in the ridiculousness of it all, and most importantly just have fun.
chez Carol looks like it will be so stylish
perhaps Carol will attend a dinner party at my house, Coral’s Cave
it is a beautiful pile of trash under my mom’s bed one time i recently added old dried out period trash and a corn husk from a tamale so you know it is a very classy place
please visit
it is a very cozy place mom should be very ashamed of herself for being not happy about it? i want my tamale corn husk back
mom!!!!!! i demand!!
i have also decorated the house with menstrual products multiple times and my human has never ever appreciated it?
Amateurs. Drop a dead bird heart on your mom’s porch and then we can talk
why do they hate good interior design
hello coral i would yes love to attend your dinner party under the bed! i love to hide under the bed when i think my mom is mad at me! one time i hid under the bed for no reason, but i hid SO far under the bed that my mom thought that maybe i had been a figment of her imagination the whole time. and i was like that’s crazy!!!!! even crazier than my mom!!!! all i found under the bed was an air mattress and some free weights. I WILL BRING BOTH.
yes this will be a very good dinner party
cheese, tamale corn husk, free weights
formal dress code please arrive promptly at 7pm party ends at my bed time 7:15pm when I will relocate to mom’s/my pillows on top of bed
Does anyone want to go Caroling door to door with me?
i do!!!!!! i can lip sync!!!!!!!!
Yesss we got Carol!
these are all good but you know what is really good rachel
the best is when a human doesn’t do the scary CLEANING THEIR HOUSE thing for awhile and all of the human pillows in the house have been rumpled just the way i like them and are carpeted with some of my nice soft hair
roombie is my seventh favorite roommate
the official roommate list in order from best to worst:
1) best mom jane
2) occasional visitor mom kira
3) mom jen’s girlfriend
4) mom jen
5) cats that are outside
6) the neighbor children
7) roombie the roomba
17) SHIA the other dog that is here sometimes she should leave
this is a very good list yes it is
my last favorite roommate is the ceiling beep that goes off when my human cooks
if it weren’t up high on the ceiling i would kill it dead
but instead i have to hide in the bathtub when it BEEPS why is the world filled with scary things
i don’t know if you know exactly why the CLEANING THE HOUSE thing is just that scary to me and the answer is that it is a LOT like the PACKING TO GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME FOR A PERIOD OF TIME thing, because both involve a lot of laundry
Wow that floral couch looks perfect for sharpening my claws upon. WHERE ARE MY MOMS, BRING ME ONE NOW
Zuzu will you be my friend I would like to follow you around the house at a respectful distance
also stare at you from mom’s lap
Hmm
I don’t know I’ll have to think about it. What’s in it for me
sincere adoration also i sometimes have trash or cheese to share
the cheese comes from the table? it is high up but i will bring it down to the proper level of floor
Psh I can get my own cheese from the table. I’ll consider your friendship application IF you can figure out a way to get into the highest cupboard above the stove, where my Mean Mom unfairly withholds my catnip from me
Also you have to be willing to let me tackle you sometimes and chase you around the house. And you’re NOT allowed to play with my toys
i don’t think this catnip shelf sounds real but okay
bets way to get up is to ask mom but second best way is to hop on chair but this sometimes requires scrabbling can you scrabble on to a chair that is tall
what is catnip
I TOLD you my Mean Mom hides it from me. And my Fun Mom is too busy looking after my horrible terrible awful nasty stepbrother cats to help me
Catnip is magical leaves that you chew on and rub all over your face and fur in order to deaden the pain and injustice of having to share your moms with other cats, you wouldn’t understand
hmmm have you tried high pitched whining and pawing at the space under the magic leaf shelf until your moms listen to you?
OF COURSE I have but there are SO many things to complain about around here I can hardly keep them all straight
I’m loving the pet convo
No fair! My human usually uses my name and photo to comment on AS and the ONE DAY that cats (and dogs, I guess) are commenting my human was too “busy” launching a website (whatever that means) to look at AS.
Whatever. I’ll just clean this spot on my paw. Not bothered by this at all.
I’m in kitty heaven now, where all the couches are scratching posts and all the floors are heated to the perfect temperature for lying on one’s back without fear of unwanted belly rubs.
I did have a lovely cat cave under the bed. Perfect for seeking safety from unwanted visitors, especially puzzling mini humans.
I also had a lovely cat cave under the dining room table, perfect for running under with precious treasure like a dried fig or squishy ball or shiny thing hanging on the small shiny tree that came out once a year.
Don’t tell my humans but I kind of miss them, even though they kept forgetting to feed me. Do not understand why they kept walking into the cat feeding room and then walking out without feeding the cat.