Welcome back to Transparent, the show where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. If you’ve been bursting with questions about backstory on this show or the childhoods of our three whippersnappers, YOU ARE IN LUCK. This episode happens pretty much entirely in the past — in 1994, specifically. If you were wondering what percentage of the events in the last episode actually happened and which were hallucinated by Ali, you are out of luck. I know, I’m sad about it too.

We open by the trunk of the car, where we learn that Ali’s bat mitzvah has been successfully canceled and this means that Maura has had time to concoct a pretend conference and go to it so that she can attend Camp Camellia. Judith Light isn’t pleased. She feels like canceling Ali’s bat mitzvah is basically the end of her social life and doesn’t know what she’s going to tell her friends. Maura says “No one owes anybody any explanation. It is what it is.” That line is applicable to much more about their lives than just this bat mitzvah situation! Do you get it?

Just remember that anything you pack you’re going to have to carry down the rocky hill after the shuttle bus drops you off at A-Camp, so maybe keep it to only three pairs of Doc Martens

In the house, baby Sarah and baby Ali are commiserating about how this will make their mom sad. Judith Light is talking on the phone, complaining about Maura, and ends the phone call by telling someone to just put the white wine in the freezer, she’ll be over in 10. She tells her kids that her sister’s back is out again and she needs to go care for her, probably all night, and won’t be home. Judith Light is a terrible liar. She leaves her kids some money for a pizza, and Sarah complains because she flew all the way home for Ali’s bat mitzvah and ended up just hanging around at home. Well in twenty years you’re gonna be living here once again and still laying around smoking weed, so let’s not get too hoity-toity, baby Sarah.

I can’t believe dELiA*s is really gone. How will I ever find glittery white knockoff Doc Martens to go with my camo-print maxi skirt now

Sidenote, one of the things that’s come up in previous episodes has been a sort of refrain of the siblings referring to their childhood and their parents as really negative, like it’s a source of great pain for them — Josh did a whole thing in Episode 5 about how both his parents were terribly absent and never there for them and ruined his life, etc. I haven’t really commented on it because I felt like while we hadn’t really seen any evidence of less than involved parenting, maybe it was coming later! But to be honest if this is it, Maura traveling on the weekends and Judith Light sleeping over at her sister’s, it just doesn’t seem all that bad? Maybe it’s because I watch a lot of Criminal Minds and am used to seeing parents lock their kids in car trunks and make them live in ditches and stuff, but I do not feel any more motivated to take the Pfefferman kids’ angst seriously, at least not because of their parents. Plenty other alarming stuff happens in this episode, though, so don’t worry, if you were hoping for some weird childhood stuff you’re not gonna miss out.

It’s okay, you can borrow my Converse and JNCO jeans!

Meanwhile, Maura and Marcy are arriving at Camp Camellia! It looks kind of like it’s being hosted at the exact same campground where my brother used to go to Boy Scout camp, which I guess is possible. When they drive through the campground there are pretty people in dresses everywhere! I hope that’s what happened at Boy Scout camp too but I suspect it isn’t. Maura says “we’re mother-effing here!” and while usually it grates on me when people voice watered-down versions of swear words out loud, when Maura does it it’s really charming.

Don’t forget that you have to park with your car facing out at A-Camp or else the bears will eat you

Hey the femme meetup is actually the other way! Yeah past the whiskey tasting workshop.

Elsewhere, Judith Light is complaining to her sister that now everyone thinks that the thirteen-year-old daughter is the head of the household. Actually I imagine that’s kind of normal for having a thirteen-year-old? Granted, they can’t vote or drive, but you try getting any thirteen-year-old to do something they don’t want to do and let me know how it goes. Judith Light’s sister implies to us that Maura has been absent from other major family events, like weddings and funerals and 4th of July barbecues, and while I think this is supposed to make us understand Judith Light’s side of the story, I mostly feel like I would probably hate goign to all of those events and missing them sounds awesome. Judith Light theorizes that maybe this mysterious conference attendance is about a cute TA.

Firs things first: I’m the realest

Judith Light doesn’t wanna go to couples counseling, which is fair because look what happened to Calzona, and she also spills the beans about how Maura’s been wearing her underwear. Basically my worst fear in life is a former or current sex partner sharing lots of details about having sex with me and I’m not even working through a transition so this makes me wanna die. Judith Light also reveals that she’s maybe kinda considering an affair with Eddie Pascowitz, and also we know that in the present her husband’s name is Eddie. THE GAME IS AFOOT.

Really? With a Diva Cup you only need to empty it twice a day? Tell me more.

At Camp Camellia, Maura and Marcy are showing at the first evening’s get-to-know-you soiree. They make friends with some old-timers, who tell them about bygone days of Camp Camellia and how great it is that there’s more hot water now. We also learn that one of the new friends’ wife, Connie, is here, even though usually this retreat is kind of off-limits to wives. It’s interesting that the way “wives” is used in this scene implies a collective understanding that pretty much everyone here is gonna be married, and their attractions are to women.

You know I’ve never actually been that into Beyoncé, I much prefer Katy Perry

The conversation is cut off when a song that everybody loves comes on, and there’s a break for dancing. It’s amazing that they got such good footage from the last night dance at A-Camp, the lighting is great.

Is this Brittani’s DJ set? It’s so much Childish Gambino!

Back at the house, Ali is moping and sharing a pizza with Baby Josh. Sarah is gonna peace out to go protest abusive labor practices with some UCSB students. If Teenage Sarah is anything like Adult Sarah, she’s gonna spend about 5 minutes protesting and then go write some graffiti about ending abusive labor practices inside a restroom stall that an underpaid laborer is gonna have to paint over.

It’s true, at college you can have sleepovers with other girls all the time! It’s basically the greatest.

Josh soon leaves too, with Rita, who I was hoping would seem really young and teenaged so I could feel a little less upset but nope, she is definitely a grown-ass woman. Rita is deeply uninterested in talking with Ali and it shows, which sucks because Ali seems like a very cool and smart little kid? Ali tells Josh that he and Rita are disgusting and make her want to vomit, which is fair.

Hello! It’s me, your statutory rapist.

I also want to vomit when I think about Josh and Rita, but for horrifying statutory rape reasons, which I don’t think is what Ali is referring to here. Maybe I’m wrong and she reads a lot of Scarleteen, I don’t know.

Huh, so everything is terrible then I guess

At Camp Camellia, Marcy and Maura ride their bikes to a pay phone to call their families and prop up their conference/business trip cover stories. Maura can overhear Marcy telling her son over the phone to “man up,” which is really special. Maura passes on her opportunity to call her family, saying she’ll do it later. Is it because she’s having so much fun she doesn’t wanna be reminded that life outside Camp Camellia exists? Is it because her marriage isn’t going super well even regardless of gender stuff and she’d rather take a break from talking to her wife? Is it because she knows that everyone is probably out of the house pursuing their own personal disasters anyway? We don’t know.

Are you sure we have to learn how to ride bikes before they’ll let us move to Portland? I do, like, own a car.

Ali is just chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool at home when she hears a mysterious noise. Who’s at the door? Surprise, it’s Mel Shimkovitz playing Jules the caterer, and the first of a couple of total hotties in this episode that you’re going to have a crush on. Jules’ catering company didn’t get the memo that Ali’s bat mitzvah is canceled, and so she’s just a girl standing here in the hallway with her bar cart, asking you to love her.

Oh no I just carry this cart of beverages with me everywhere I go. It’s sort of like my thing.

At Camp Camellia, Maura is enjoying what seems to be a lovely outdoor bbq picnic situation? Is there any way we can get that person to do the food for next A-Camp?

Well technically I’m only gluten-SENSITIVE, so I think it’s fine to eat this hamburger bun with a patty also made out of bread and bread lettuce.

As she sits down to eat with her new buddies, the camp returnees discuss Ramona, a former camp attendee who was socially ostracized after it was revealed she was a trans woman, not a cis man who enjoyed crossdressing.

“I am judging!… that’s crossing a line. …We are crossdressers, but we’re still men!”

This is meant to seem absurd and cruel, which it 100% is. There’s even an instant where the speaker begins to describe Ramona using she/her pronouns — which everyone at this camp uses, along with women’s names — and then retracts them and corrects them to “he,” which is just unbelievably mean. I’m trying to imagine straight cis people watching this show on their couches at home and what they would make of this, what frames of reference they have to draw on for this scene. I honestly have no idea. To me it comes across as deeply, deeply sad and also very run-of-the-mill. It’s something it feels like the mainstream queer/LGBT community does so often: trying to make sure there’s at least one group that stays on a lower rung of the ladder of social acceptability, and distancing oneself from that group as much as possible. I might be [x], but at least I’m not [y]. As long as we can all agree that [y] are beyond the pale, and I help make sure that it stays that way, then at least I’m doing a little better than someone. And so, so often, the group on the receiving end of this treament is trans women. On a more concrete note, the particular lesson for Maura in this case is: no spaces are safe for trans women, ever. You can see her face change as she absorbs that lesson, and it’s awful.

You mean these weren’t the virgin Bloody Marys?

Later, Maura and Marcy relax in the idyllic forest next to their cabin, reading their horoscopes. Connie, the cis wife of the person who hates Ramona, walks up. Maura likes Connie and is excited; Marcy doesn’t like Connie very much, I don’t think. Maura asks Connie about Ramona — during the conversation earlier, Connie seemed to sort of be a voice of dissent, saying “she had the nerve to bring hormones to cross-dressing camp, can you believe it!” sarcastically (and using Ramona’s correct pronouns). Now, Connie says that she knew Ramona, and misses her.

Wait, what’s the oldest Weasley’s name? I always get them confused.

I thought it was Steve, wasn’t it? Steve Weasley? No wait, it was Charlie.

Bill. It’s obviously Bill. Nice to know that you valued our friendship so much. I bet you didn’t even read my fanfic alternate epilogue.

The subject changes when Marcy reads Connie her horoscope, and it is very difficult not to think of that scene from Spice World. You know the one I mean. Maura redirects back to Ramona, and Marcy sort of pissily protests “that’s not what this place is for.” She thinks that trans women should make their own space — you know, just make your own camp! How hard can it be! (Reader: it is very hard.) Maura says “I don’t agree,” and Connie observes to Marcy, “you made her sad!” Connie suggests alcohol as a next step. Seriously these two are gonna fit right in at A-Camp. Marcy is worried that they’re not gonna make it to the pageant on time, because there’s a pageant, but I bet it’s all going to be fine and nothing will go wrong at all.

Why couldn’t you have told me you didn’t like my neck tattoo BEFORE I got it done

Back at the house, Jules wants to know how Ali got out of her bat mitzvah. Ali says: I didn’t think I could memorize it all, so I said I didn’t believe in God so they canceled it. Baby Ali is kind of a badass. Jules tells her that she “never understood how kids get up in front of all those people and sing,” and Ali starts softly singing the torah portion to herself on the couch. Then she gets louder and more animated, and finishes singing on top of the coffee table. Bravo! Maybe she can be on that show I saw once on cable and then never again called “Sing Your Face Off” which had John Lovitz on it and also, I think, an NFL player.

This is how I’m going to headbang the patriarchy to death

It’s a little odd but (I think?) sweet that Jules is hanging out here letting Ali talk about this stuff, because no one else is paying attention to her. I feel a little bit put off by why this grown person wants to hang out with this young girl, but hopefully that’s just Rita (and the fact that the camera keeps doing a slow pan up Ali’s body the same way they do for adult women that we’re supposed to find sexy? It’s really uncomfortable) skewing my perspective and Jules is a top-notch human.

Yes, I have seen Party Down. No, I definitely don’t get tired of being asked that.

Meanwhile, Sarah is on a bus, headed to? from? a protest. The boy sitting next to her is falling asleep on her shoulder, either because he’s sleepy or as a misguided ploy to meet cute; either way, Sarah is not into it. I was going to say how annoying this is before checking my privilege and remembering that there’s like an 80% chance I fell asleep on at least one person at some point during the year that I spent commuting on the D train to Riverside. If you are a person I did that to, I apologize profusely.

Oh come on, bro. Bro? Does anyone speak bro, my bro is very limited and this is an emergency

Sarah is in luck, though, because an INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE HUMAN sees her plight, laughs, and rescues her. This person is Cindy, played by Victoria Ortiz. I am already the president of the International Cindy Fan Club, I’ve made foam fingers and everything, and really wish that there were an arc with her, but IMDB suggests to me that this is the only episode she appears in, which means she’s probably just here to confirm that Sarah is bisexual and has been interested in women in her life besides Tammy (although of course number of partners of different genders doesn’t determine whether you’re a “real bisexual” or not, and so on, and so forth). Miss you already, Cindy.

“Did you read Autostraddle’s accessible explanation of Judith Butler’s work?” “No but maybe you could explain it to me in great detail in your bed.”

Elsewhere, also in a moving vehicle, we have another slow pan that makes me feel uncomfortable when the camera starts zoomed in on Rita’s crotch in a short skirt and then moving up to her face, and then Josh’s face as he stares at her like she’s made of candy. Their fingers touch across the car seat, and I squirm uncomfortably.

Hello this is the worst, this thing that’s happening right now, it’s terrible, jsyk

Ali has convinced Jules to drop her off at the beach as she leaves in her catering van. How is she getting home? They don’t have cell phones, do they? After frolicking like the child that she is for a bit, Ali discovers a dude with a pickup truck. Watch out! I know Taylor Swift doesn’t exist for you yet, Ali, but she is gonna have a lot of cautionary words about this situation in about 20 years! This dude is flying a radio-controlled plane in the air, and Ali wants a turn to fly it.

I’m like a biiiIIIiiird, I’m gonna fly awaaAAaay

This dude isn’t having it, because it costs “like three hundred bucks.” She says “you’re too old to play with toys,” and he says “oh, and you’re not?” She tells him she’s seventeen. DANGER WILL ROBINSON. (For those of you playing along from home, if Ali’s bat mitzvah was supposed to be this week, she is thirteen.) He offers her a beer and I die inside. The only part of this scene I felt good about was when Ali said “I love beer” in the exact same tone I use to say things like “A bacon-themed sports bar replaying Game 6 of the 1986 World Series? I’d love to.”

Yes, this is very fun and good, yessiree

At Camp Camellia, Maura, Marcy and Connie have all had a few drinks. Connie is casually telling the others about how she had “a nervous breakdown” when her husband came out to her as a crossdresser.

“I was in my nightgown, and I was on the front lawn, and I was screaming… like something out of a movie!”

Now Maura and Connie are going to dance and tell each other how pretty they are. You can’t see Marcy but I 100% sure she is pouting.

Do you like them? They’re Warby Parker

Back on the beach, Ali and the plane dude (whom I believe is named Patrick and is played by James Frecheville are walking into a sort of hidden underpass area. THIS IS DEFINITELY A GOOD SIGN, I FEEL GREAT ABOUT THIS.

Ah yes, the Cloister of Safety, Boundaries and Respect

Connie and Maura are dancing. Is this a tango? What do tangos look like? Marcy is finishing their drinks for them. Ali and Patrick are… play-fighting? I hope it’s playing. Patrick grabs onto Ali’s sleeve, and she spins around and sort of smiles mischieviously. At camp, the tangoing is getting very intense. Ali and Patrick seem to be struggling on the ground, maybe? At camp, some of the tension in the room falls flat when Marcy stands up to complain about the fact that Maura and Connie should get a room, and how she’s afraid that no one will go to the pageant with her. Ali and Patrick are chasing each other around in the sand like children (because one of them is AN ACTUAL CHILD) and Ali is pinning Patrick to the ground, sitting with her legs on either side of his chest. Marcy changes clothes for the pageant, watching Maura and Connie with irritation? jealousy? confusion? all three? It’s basically impossible to communicate what it’s like to watch these things juxtaposed by using screencaps, so just close your eyes and imagine.

At the beach, Ali is laying in the sand while Patrick walks around her, sort of lightly kicking sand at her. It’s not clear what happened — did he push her off him, or did she just get tired and lay down? We anxiously ponder these issues as the camera pans right — TO CURRENT-DAY GROWN UP ALI, sitting in the sand beneath the same overpass thing. What the actual heck? Connie and Maura comment on how needy Marcy is while past-Ali watches past-Patrick walk over to current-day-Ali and try to kiss her, until past-Ali pulls him away. What even? Is the series finale of Transparent gonna be Ali’s alarm clock going off and we find out the entire thing was a dream?

There will always be someone on the outside, wanting to get in. Who am I now? That’s one secret I’ll never tell. XO XO Gossip Girl

Connie and Marcy are bickering while Marcy gets ready for the pageant, and Maura and Connie share secret smiles. Maura tells Marcy to just go on ahead to the pageant, and Connie will help Maura pick out a dress. Marcy gives Maura the universal “are you about to sleep with her or what” look, and Maura gives her a “whatever don’t worry about it” in response. Alone, Maura and Connie dance and Connie says that she thinks Marcy’s in love with Maura.

What do you mean? Everyone likes Enya.

They drink more, and sway, and dance, and kiss kind of chastely, and Connie drunkenly babbles “We’re all just a bunch of bodies. That’s it! Just bodies. And some of us have a penis.” Maura responds “No penis. No vagina.” And Connie sits on the couch while Maura twirls around the room.

Elsewhere, Ali lies in the bed of a truck while Patrick drives it down the highway. She yells “Faster! Faster!” and screams.

HEY DID YOU SEE THE EPISODE OF CRIMINAL MINDS THAT STARTS LIKE THIS

YUP

At Camp Camellia, camp is officially ending. Marcy says her goodbyes while Maura packs the trunk of the car. Marcy tells her she needs to change back into her dude clothes, but Maura says she doesn’t want to.

There can’t not be a single Starbucks the entire ride home, that’s like impossible.

Maura: I wanna drive like this.
Marcy: Are you kidding?
Maura: I’ll change, okay? I’ll change my clothes before we get to Ventura.
Marcy: That’s ridiculous. That’s not safe.
Maura: No, no one gives a shit.
Marcy: I give a shit!
Maura: Hey Mark? It makes me happy. I wanna be happy for two more hours. Put your bags in. For God’s sake, what’s wrong with you?

I invite speculation in the comments about the root of what’s going on with Marcy and Maura here. Does Marcy actually have feelings for Maura? Is Marcy starting to realize that Maura is a trans woman, and wants to discourage her? Is Marcy starting to realize that Maura is a trans woman and is resentful of Maura because Marcy might feel like a trans woman, too? Is she just having a rough time? All of the above?

Once they’re in the car, they call each other cunts for a minute, but in an affectionate way, and drive off. In all honesty this is not a terrible way to resolve conflict, and I am taking note of it for the future.

Ali is waking up, and she’s still in the back of the truck. Some men are walking past her, probably the laborers that Sarah is ostensibly protesting on behalf of. Patrick is peeing into their fields, which is probably a metaphor for something.

Ali: Hey. Did we sleep here all night?
Patrick: Yup.
Ali: Why didn’t you try anything?
Patrick: I don’t think you’re seventeen.

Ali tells him that’s true, that she’s sixteen. Just kidding, fifteen. No actually fourteen. Well really she’s thirteen. (This is not me getting cute, this is the actual dialogue.) She closes her eyes and leans towards him like she’s going in for a kiss, except her mouth is wide open, like she’s about to swallow him alive. And the camera disappears into her mouth, and that’s the last thing we see before the credits.

All men must die

BUT WE ARE NOT MEN

Join us next time, when we get in a Delorean and go back to the future to see which short-sleeved button-down Josh is wearing this week.

Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!