Top 15 Most Bottom Things I Do

Pictures of the Autostraddle senior editor team are collaged in colors of cobalt and orange with the words "Happy Birthday Autostraddle" and the number 15 strewed all over for Autostraddle's 15th birthday

Autostraddle is turning 15 this week! To celebrate, we’re publishing chaotic and gay Top 15 Lists all week long.

When tasked with the very serious business of creating a top 15 list for Autostraddle’s birth week, I was at first perplexed. Perhaps I have simply made too many lists in this lifetime that the blank slate prompt was paradoxically daunting. My top 15 anything? My initial instinct was to create a list of the 15 gayest things I did when I was 15 and closeted, but I’ve basically already done that. Here are some additional top 15 list ideas I ultimately nixed:

  • Top 15 Tops (and then 1-15 were all going to be MY WIFE, but I think this would have only been funny to me and her and corny to others)
  • Top 15 Things I Cried About When I Was 15 (this felt too depressing ultimately)
  • Top 15 Excerpts From My 2020 Journal (also too depressing)
  • Top 15 Places To Drink a Diet Dr. Pepper (I’ve just really been into Diet Dr. Pepper lately)
  • Top 15 Ideas for Top 15 Lists (we love to be meta)

I was onto something with the Top 15 Tops ideas though, which is how I ultimately arrived at the Top 15 Most Bottom Things I do, which I shall now present to you, without commentary, because if you have to explain what makes these behaviors bottomly, it spoils the fun. I will say these are specifically femme bottom behaviors!!!!

15. Carry a tiny purse

14. Quadruple text

13. Remind the tops in my life to text people back

12. Keysmash excessively jkasdjaksjdkas

11. Wear one of those sideways gold initial necklaces, you know the one

10. Look up “bottom bracelets” on Etsy

9. Refer to myself as a “boy mom” because I have a boy cat

8. Accidentally walk to the passenger side of the car even if I’m the one driving because I’m so accustomed to being a passenger princess

7. Open up important lines of inquiry about tops like, for example: Do all tops have bad handwriting?

6. Say “yes chef” in my day-to-day life despite not working in a kitchen

5. Drink Bud Light (Miller Lite is for tops)

4. Am the one who actually makes sure the sex toys are packed for a trip

3. Have multiple all-bottoms group chats

2. Reference my “top era,” which only really existed in my mind

1. Make a list of the most bottom things I do for the internet

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, short stories, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the assistant managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 868 articles for us.

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