Top 15 Most Top Things I Do

Pictures of the Autostraddle senior editor team are collaged in colors of cobalt and orange with the words "Happy Birthday Autostraddle" and the number 15 strewed all over for Autostraddle's 15th birthday

Autostraddle is turning 15 this week! To celebrate, we’re publishing chaotic and gay Top 15 Lists all week long.


I received some shocking news on a team call last week which prompted me to write this piece. I learned that our managing editor, Kayla, was writing a list called “15 Most Bottom Things I Do” in honor of Autostraddle’s 15th birthday. When I inquired, “Well, who’s writing ‘15 Most Top Things I Do’?” I was met with silence. That’s the moment I learned not a single member of the editorial team self-identifies as a top. Forgivable. Understandable. A statistics issue. What I couldn’t get over, though, is the shock and awe that followed my volunteering to write it myself.

“Am I a top?!” I whined with a pipe wrench slung over my shoulder. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’ve gone viral on TikTok on multiple occasions for explaining things like scissoring, “the knee thing,” and phantom dick to the public. My Twitter banner has been a screenshot of a marketing email I got from an online store that had the subject line “The Top That Broke the Internet” for over four years. In 2021, I literally went full Shane McCutcheon and modeled for an underwear company to pay an overdue medical bill. Suffice to say, I was writing the damn list.

Like Kayla, I won’t be adding any context to my list as it would take away the fun. These are toppy things I do.

15. Exclusively use a Carhartt backpack

14. Call instead of text

13. Have over 100 unread texts

12. Apple Pay my girlfriend for Ubers

11. Wear a Herringbone chain

10. Constantly need back scratchies

9. Bring the reusable bags to the grocery store

8. Little spoon

7. Advocate for bottoms with long nails/tips

6. Cook every single recipe my girlfriend sends me on Instagram

5. Stand on the subway even if there’s seats open

4. Send Looney Tunes gifs in response to nudes

3. Abstain from group chats

2. Wear my keys on a chain from my belt loop

1. Bottom for my femme girlfriend whenever she wants


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Motti

Motti (they/he) is a New York born and raised sorority girl turned writer, comedian, and content creator (whatever that means these days). Motti has been featured on We're Having Gay Sex Live, The Lesbian Agenda Show, Reductress Haha Wow! Live, the GayJoy Digest, and even played the role of "Real Life Lesbian" on Billy on the Street. In 2022, they wrote about how clit sucker toys are a scam, sweet gay revenge, chasing their dreams, and getting run over by a pick up truck in their now-abandoned newsletter Motti is An Attention Whore. Motti has a Masters in Public Administration and Local Government Management, you'd never know it from the shit they post online (see previous sentence), but occasionally he'll surprise you with his knowledge of civic engagement and electoral processes. They live in Brooklyn with their tuxedo cat, Bo, and their 20 houseplants.

Motti has written 20 articles for us.

5 Comments

  1. is it a top thing to send out texts or emails asking for confirmation of receipt of the last email that had real information in it, or just the result of growing up in a communist country?

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