The US Open and Other Sporting Events That May Consume Your Life

Hello people who may or may not care about tennis. Do you care about America? Still a maybe? That’s fine. It’s only relevant because the US Open is coming to a close and it’s in America I’m pretty sure. Generally I like this major more than the rest because I’m not a communist and also because there are an abundant amount of familiar faces. It’s like an alternate Cheers where I may not know everyone’s name but at least I can pronounce most of them. I assume even tennis stars have been effected by the economic downturn and they too are extremely happy about not having to board international flights, rackets and wristbands in tow.

Phillip Hall/USTA

The finals for the Women’s Singles are Sunday and will see Serena Williams USA (28) take on Samantha Stosur AUS (9). The men face off Monday and have Novak Djokovic SRB (1) facing Rafael Nadal ESP (2). Both should be fantastic matches. Lots of grunting. Balls going speeds I’m not comfortable with. The usual.

The US Open is the last tennis major of the year and unfortunately overlaps with the start of college and professional football. I only said that because I hope some of you are excited about this fact. My number one feeling about football right now is Maryland’s uniforms.

Football too slow moving for you? Then how about rugby! Our men’s side, the Eagles, have a match vs. Ireland Sunday on NBC to start their journey in the mother effing Rugby World Cup. If you’ve never watched rugby before, tune in because as we learned from our handy dandy college guide, women’s rugby is super duper gay. What better way to impress that cute flanker than complimenting her on how quick she gets off? That’s actual rugby terminology but it sounds dirty. So learn up so you too can make sexual advances disguised as sporting observations.

Are you surprised by the US Open’s results? What do you think of Maryland’s jerseys? Will you watch the Rugby World Cup?

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Brittani Nichols is a Los Angeles based comedy person. When she's not tweeting about white people or watching television, she's probably eating pizza. Actually, she's probably doing all three of those things concurrently and when she's not doing THAT, she's sleeping. Brittani also went to Yale and feels weird about mentioning it but wants you to know.

Brittani has written 328 articles for us.


  1. SPORTS! I’m more excited about Champions League football (or soccer) tomorrow night. Borussia Dortmund v Arsenal should be an absolute beezer. It’s a shame I can’t get College Football without paying for it though since I enjoyed watching it last summer. Go Ducks!

  2. I lost a lot of respect for Serena when she went off on the chair umpire. Between that and Roddick’s rant at the officials for telling him that the court was okay to play on when it wasn’t, American tennis players come off as pretty jerky to me.

    I’ve never watched Rugby, or been that much of a football fan, but I am super excited about the baseball postseason, especially if the world series doesn’t feature the phillies or the yankees…

  3. All I can think about when I watch tennis is David Foster Wallace. The super-built ladies are hot, but then I just start thinking abou terrifying 12-year-old using steroids and beating up other 12 year olds in crazy tennis-based games.

    Rugby’s pretty cool, but even more exciting to me is that hockey starts in less than a month!

    • As a US tennis fan, I’ve never been a huge fan of most US tennis players and I’m not quite sure why. Yeah, Serena is a great player, but her attitude sucks and she seems to think that she’s better than she is and that she always deserves to win. I’ll take Kim Clijsters or Sam Stosur over the Williams sisters any day.

      I’m the only Djokovic fan that I know, so yay Novak!

  4. Now that Women’s World Cup soccer is over, I am counting down to the Olympics. I’m not a huge fan of summer Olympics (winter is where it’s at), but I’m into the soccer and gymnastics (of the lady variety… of course.)

    I heard some season for some sport just restarted… what was it… football? The NFL or something? Shrug.

    • Yeah, I’m looking forward to the Summer Olympics but I definitely prefer the Winter ones. Plus, being in his home country will mean an even bigger fit out of “Platinum Medal” Plushenko should he lose again.

  5. Shockingly, I will be watching the Rugby World Cup. I don’t know why. I just woke up a couple weeks ago and was all “I want to watch rugby now.” I can’t explain it.

    To be honest, though, I could not care less about the Eagles. They’re not going to win. They won’t even get close. It’s going to be the All Blacks because it’s always the All Blacks these days. They win all the things! And it’s awesome to watch.

  6. Rugby World Cup has turned my town into a crazy dangerous place. At any given moment you could be walking through the streets and get hit by a rogue rugby ball from one of the twenty games being played by little kids/drunk adults.

    The best bit is all the cute tourist girls asking for directions.
    “The town hall? How about my place instead? COME INTO MY VAN CUTIE.”

    im upset that federer lost (first time since 2003) and that oudin lost in the first round. but im glad djokovic beat nadal and that stosur beat serena. there was no excuse for serena’s death threats to the linesperson last year (?). i didnt c this years tirade but it doesnt sound too good. anyone know when clijsters is coming back?

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