In the world of sex, choosing the right song is key. In my life, sometimes I choose songs that are just right, and sometimes a song gets associated with something especially heinous. These are their stories.
The first time I got high, I got too high and as a result wanted to do nothing more than profess my love towards my then-partner and fuck all night long. I didn’t think there were enough orgasms in the world to satisfy me. Back to the love though; the only song that I wanted to listen to was Lea Michele’s Glee cover of Paramore’s “The Only Exception.” I remember straddling my partner, playing with their bits, and sobbing to the song. For literal hours. I didn’t get that I was stoned and that the best option was to sleep it off, and so I gave in to what felt like world shattering emotions and physical feelings. I fell asleep while giving them head eventually; we woke up the next morning and the song was still playing. I learned every single word to that song that night.
My worst one night stand involves a small high school friend reunion, too much Mike’s Hard Lemonade and cheap vodka, whatever that summer’s hottest superhero film was, and “Pony”. We were all back in the suburbs for our last summer before we were 21 and we were all bored and horny. So-and-so’s parents were out of town and they had a huge house and four of us went over and did what bored 20-year-olds do: we got drunk and skinny-dipped, obviously. Then someone started a movie, and me and her slipped out (stealthily, we thought) into a tiny first-floor half-bath. Her hand covered my mouth and I kept noticing the potpourri next to the sink. I thought less than 20 minutes had gone by, but we came back and the movie was over. Instead, our other two friends were “asleep” on the couch, while the video for Ginuwine’s “Pony” played on the large screen TV. We got caught. I guess noise travels when you’re in a tiny bathroom.
Some songs, like this one seem perfect for setting the mood, right? Well I guess I set the mood a little too perfectly, because it was during this song that I came so hard I started my period. Did you know you can do that? You can and it is as shocking as you’d expect it to be. I had a casual fling come over for some afternoon delights knowing I probably wouldn’t get to see them for a bit. We were on the couch when it happened. After what felt like my 100th orgasm, they looked at their hand and said, “you’re bleeding,” and I was. I was shocked and also amazed at the weird things bodies can do. They washed their hands and went back to work.
I was really set on us dressing like the band members in Dexys Midnight Runners for Halloween because overalls were back in style and we were weird and “Come on Eileen” was our song. So obviously, when we got back to my room I turned it on when we started fucking. But then the hook part of her overalls got caught in my hair and I couldn’t get it out. And then I was laying awkwardly on the bed while she took off her overalls while my afro was still attached to them. And then there was thirty minutes of sex music and quiet concentration while she, now naked on the bed, worked my hair out of the metal. And then she made some tea, and we watched Steven Universe. The lesson it seems is this: take off your overalls before you attempt to go down on someone.
My ex and I used to have sex to Christian rock. Yes, it is weird. I don’t know if we were trying to rid ourselves of past religious guilt or if we just had a dark sense of humor. I think probably a bit of both. Anyway, the thing is, if you have Christian music on in your room, even if the door is closed, especially if it’s around 6:30 in the evening, people won’t assume you’re having sex. And I mean, my roommate knocked, but then they also just walked in. Because who has sex to Christian rock, right? She saw more than she wanted to, I fell off the bed and my partner couldn’t stop laughing while I looked for something to put on (why am I always the only one fully naked when I’m having sex??). I stopped having sex to Christian music after that.