Everybody listen up, Christmas has an announcement to make: it’s is here, it’s queer, get used to it! (I hope some homophobic person has a Google alert set for the words “Christmas” and “queer” and has just passed out from reading that sentence.) To quote an ex’s niece who knew like eight words at the time, “Sorry ‘bout it.” Except I’m not! Christmas gay. From the decor, the displays, the hosting, the all-around lavishness, like Halloween, Christmas belongs to us. And, of course, what would Christmas be without its music?
Let’s dive into the genre’s gayest.
1. “Jingle Bells” (A Christmas Album) – Barbra Streisand
Suddenly and forcibly commandeering a function is gay culture, and the first thing I do every Christmas morning before anyone in my family can even pour their coffee is turn this song on so loudly that no one can hear each other. Also, this might as well be called “Liberace’s White Piano.” It’s a show, it’s got pizzazz, I’m step-ball-changing through the snow, it shouts out Fanny Brice (a Ziegfeld Girl and inspiration for the broadway show/movie Funny Girl, which stars Barbra Streisand!!!), and Streisand is backed by a full orchestra.
2. “White Christmas” (A Christmas Album) – Barbra Streisand
This is the type of gay that inspires someone on youtube to comment on its video, “Judy Garland’s version was better.” No one asked, and yet we received, and unnecessarily pitting Streisand against Garland is a tale as old as time.
3. “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” (A Christmas Album) – Barbra Streisand
Did you know Barbara Streisand has a mall underneath her home? I know a normal amount about it.
4. “The Christmas Song” (A Christmas Album) – Barbra Streisand
To be a crimp in Barbra Streisand’s hair.
5. “My Favorite Things” (A Christmas Album) – Barbra Streisand
The only way this should be sung is while wearing a wig and peeking around a curtain you’ve set up in your living room to an audience of one cat.
6. “The Best Gift” (A Christmas Album) – Barbra Streisand
Did my gay uncle gift me Barbra Streisand’s “A Christmas Album” as a small child because he knew even then that I was a big ‘ol mo or did Barbra Streisand make me gay. Hm.
7. “Sleep In Heavenly Peace” (A Christmas Album) – Barbra Streisand
One time Barbra Streisand wore a beanie halfway off her head, so who’s to say she’s completely straight.
8. “Ave Maria” (A Christmas Album) – Barbra Streisand
Barbra Streisand being the originator of the nude nail… mommi.
9. “O Little Town Of Bethlehem” (A Christmas Album) – Barbra Streisand
This album cover looks like Barbra Streisand’s heart chakra is being activated. Shout out to my fellow crystal-havers one time.
10. “I Wonder As I Wander” (A Christmas Album) – Barbra Streisand
I would watch a six hour broadway show about Barbra Streisand walking around, contemplatin’ life.
11. “The Lord’s Prayer” (A Christmas Album) – Barbra Streisand
Earlier this year I was at a catholic mass after having not been to a mass in… a long time, and when the congregation started reciting “The Our Father,” I had to look behind me, as in crane my neck around, to make sure there wasn’t actually a demon speaking in the lowest octave known on this physical realm in the room. I’d guess I’d forgotten (or just never realized it at the time) how chilling it is for hundreds of people with heads bowed and eyes closed chant in monotonous unison. What this song does is comes in, tweaks the coffee table books, replaces the curtains, chops the pillows, adds some pussy willows, and then voila, this prayer is palatable again.