Sleeping Around #1: “Why I’m So Easy”

While I am loathe to intervene of the turf so accurately depicted in the Emmy nominated, critically lauded ‘The Real L World’, the time has come for Autostraddle to throw their proverbial hat into the sex column ring. Because it’s really hard to find true stories by actual lesbians about lesbian sex on these here internets. So now I present “Sleeping Around”: a new column documenting my sexual conquests, emotional bitch-slaps, carnal fumbles, and relationship follies. Please note I will be using the terms ‘dating’ and ‘relationship’ very loosely. Obvs all names are changed for protection — mine mostly, but also those I encounter.

Column 1: WHY I’M SO EASY

On Monday my loud, bisexual, makeup artist friend Georgia invited me to the closing night of Spotlight — LA’s oldest gay bar, a charming dive being elbowed out by rising rents in an increasingly yuppified area of Hollywood. First things first: I make my way to the bar, order a G&T, and plaintively ask the bartender if he has any peanuts. Rent’s due and I’m skint, so I am experimenting with cutting way down on nonessentials, such as food. He kinda rustles up a bowl of pita chips, and I rabidly dig in while pretending to listen to small talk around me and trying not to look too much like a feral child.

After a while one of the darkly clothed twenty-somethings buys me a drink, and we commence chitchat/vague impressions of possible interest that are impossible to diagnose. She’s 28 and a reality TV producer for one of the cable networks, specializing in sort of bro-ish gross/freak out type shows. She’s attractive, if not pretty — blue eyes, blonde hair (with noticeable roots), and a bit more zaftig than I usually prefer but very nice boobs. Personality and intelligence-wise she’s far above average — witty, dark sense of humor, and confident but not arrogant. As the evening continues she seems interested but slightly aloof, sort of like an attractive bro flanked by approval seeking sorority pledges at their first mixer. I don’t particularly care and in fact enjoy the presence of an occasional intelligent bro, as long as they are isolated from the pack. After several rounds of whiskey and a late night snack we head back to her Los Feliz house to have drinks. Obvs.

We both know the drill and after a brief game of strip drinking game poker (I’m always changing the rules to this but it pretty much involves drinking if you win, drinking more if you lose, and telling girls to take off various items of clothing.) hook up on her couch then bed. Layla is unfortunately on her period but seems very interested in demonstrating her finger dexterity. It is impressive, and results include two very nice orgasms. This is a pleasant surprise because usually it takes more than just hands for me, and I happily snuggle into sleep, making a mental note to ask for tips if we ever hook up again.

The next morning my terrible, unspeakably miserable hook-up body alarm goes off at 6:30. Jesus. It is a God-awful evolutionary occurrence left over from college: whenever I sleep out, the alarm unfailingly goes off between 5-8 am, and I awake ready, energized and ready to peace. Usually I’ll just say bye and go, but she drove. Ughh. As my body wriggles into consciousness Layla pulls me closer and briefly wakes up to give me one more fuck before falling back to sleep. “Well that’s nice,” I think to myself “but what am I supposed to do now?” Trapped until she awakes, I sneak out to do a quick morning after fix up in the bathroom, grab a magazine from the living room, and try not to turn the pages too loudly.

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We go to brunch. She is deeply hungover and I am obnoxiously perky (another side affect of the devil’s alarm) and when she drops me off I contemplate a goodbye kiss but instead just smile, say “Bye dude, thanks for the ride”, and briskly walk into my building.

Layla isn’t the only dyke who can channel bro.

Epilogue: A week after our night of summer lovin’, I glance at my phone, pause, then punch ‘delete’. We exchanged a few texts, but never met up- she didn’t go out on the nights I did, and neither of us asked to see each other again. As someone who loved “He’s Just Not That Into You” too much (I respond well to brutality) if someone doesn’t show effort, I don’t show interest. As the invisible link between Layla and I vanishes, I can’t help but feel a pang of… regret? Not precisely. Lost lust? No, not really. It’s a sliver of lonenliness that punches little holes in my gut. Layla was funny and refreshingly original, and I wouln’t have minded a friend like that. One of the most confusing things about being a lesbian is navigating relationships with other gay women: are we best suited to be friends or fuckbuddies or forever after? How the hell am I supposed to know what to do (or not to do) with someone I just met? All the time we’re told by our mothers/shrinks/friends the conventional wisdom of relationships: strong relationships are built from a foundation of friendship.

But is it possible to build a meaningful friendship from a sexual relationship? If so, how is it done?

Original illustration for Autostraddle.com provided by and copyright Michelle Mishka Colombo 2011

Cosette has written 1 article for us.

136 Comments

    • +50 zillion to infinity
      geez, I feel like I used up all my game in San Francisco, where I doubled my sexyfriends count. And now there’s no moar :(

      I have another friend (who reads this – YO BUNNY GIRL YOU KNOW YOU ;D) who I did hook up with before being friends, and one thing that she seems to be really talented at is just being able to hook up with whoever she wants. And I’m like “oi, can I have some of that luck too!?” :P

    • I once hooked up with a girl I met at a bar in London my first night ever in the city…somehow I managed to navigate the tube and find my way back to my hostel….so I’m with you on this..

      I think this breed of cuntrapment is a California thing? ….cities are more spread out and less familiar with public transit?

      • Yeah, I get that she’s in LA, but I’ve used public transit there and it’s fine!

        I mean I don’t know why I’m dissecting this, not like there’s anything wrong with brunch, I’ve just never had a car or hooked up with someone with a car and it seems crazy to drive to a bar because you’ll be drinking right, so I got all confused!

        • How long were you in L.A.????
          sounds like not for long.

          and every legal bar closes at 2. some with a last call at 1 instead of 1:30, just to push people out in the street. which is why almost everybody in there drives drunk or takes the risk of it happening. it’s a really stupid catch-22, all caused by local laws.

          • can you clarify how the time the bars closing causes people to drink and drive? you didn’t really specify how that rules out getting in a cab or on the bus.

    • L. A. has shit cabs. You have to tell THEM where they are and where they’re going. If you find one. If you call for one and it finds you, you’ve probably already waited 45 minutes, called the dispatch 3 times and get this- have given the dispatch AND driver an *exact street address* for it to get there. Plus, there’s 300% traveltime ratio of public transport to car. If you’re anywhere near public transport. Yah. It’s nasty. That’s why “everyone drives in LA.”

      • I’ve honestly only had good experiences using public transit in LA, but I know that some areas aren’t very well connected…I was thisclose to moving there in September (like, I was getting rid of stuff and had decided on a moving date and was figuring out how to get sedatives for my cat) and didn’t end up doing it, you’re making me glad it didn’t happen since I don’t have a driver’s license.

        • omg, I am soo like trailing you at bad speeds. reload, reaload, plus I’m getting the west coast time stamp on your responses, so Sorry if I totally sound like we’re not having a convo like decent people. my fault.

          Places immediately north of hollywood are REALLY bad, as is the entire valley. it’s only “good” if you’re connecting on the west side or downtown. and the east-west buses are a nightmare. frequency? meh. but travel time? holy jeebus god almighty! and for god’s sake don’t need to make a transfer or two. total nightmare.

  1. Yes, I love it. Moar plz!

    I have also been trying to wade through the murky waters of gay lady friendship. I have acquired a good number of queer friends in my new city and of course have developed crushes on a few of them. I’m not very assertive and feel much more comfortable being in the friend zone. I don’t want to risk an awesome friendship on the 50% chance that they are interested in me as well…

    I would like to hear more of your thoughts on this!

  2. It’s shit like this. I came here expecting a decent and well-written piece about how people can be sexually confident and have a bit of promiscuity without making them bad people, and maybe even a few arguments for being a person like that? I don’t think that was an unreasonable thing to want from an article entitled “Why I’m So Easy.” Instead I was treated to a painfully boring retelling of your last fuck? What the hell? Nobody here gives a fuck who you go home with, what TV shows they produce or how many orgasms you had. You added nothing to any conversation. Nobody gives a flying fuck and if the idiots in charge are seriously considering making this useless drivel a standard feature, it might be the tipping point that makes me never come back here (the ridiculously over-the-top misandry you disguise as feminism and recapping every fucking episode of Glee being the other things). Why should we care who this girl fucks? Keep your sexcapades to yourself and grow the fuck up.

    I’m not “slut-shaming” or whatever stupid feminist buzzword you want to throw at me. Go ahead and sleep around. God knows I do. But seriously, make your own fucking blog if you’re going to fill it with this shit.

    • good news: you don’t have to read every article on this website. That’s why we publish so many things, so there’s something for everybody every day! If you don’t like this, then by all means, don’t read it anymore. This column isn’t going to appeal to everyone, we knew that going into it. But I don’t think everything we publish has to appeal to the sensibilities of everyone who reads AS.

      • That’s the thing though. I come on here and I get one view of lesbianism. As someone who grew up in a sheltered community without any real exposure to anything but a heteronormative lifestyle, I thought you guys would be more accepting.

        This website is cliquey, forces stereotypes and is genuinely pretty terrible. The Glee shit drives me crazy. The “IF YOU’RE NOT A RADICAL FEMINIST AND MISANDRIST, YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON” overtones in every single fucking article drive me crazy. I can be queer and not be a feminist. I can understand and appreciate that promiscuity has risks and is irresponsible without being a slut-shaming sexist or whatever the fuck you want to call me.

        Yeah, you post a lot, but it’s a lot of the same. Everything is from the same viewpoint. Which would be nice, seeing as this is a queer-women blog, if the viewpoint was “queer woman/female-identified person” or whatever blah blah blah. But it’s not. It’s a lot more than that. There are politics tangled inside. It’s very US-centric when I imagine a lot of your readers aren’t American. And it focuses. way. too. much. on. fucking. Glee.

        Glee is terrible and how you guys can think it does anything but set the gay community back absolutely fucking astounds me. Kurt is bad for the gay community because all he is is gay. It’s like someone sitting down said, “We need a really obviously flamboyantly gay character. Let’s give him plot arcs about struggling with his gayness. Let’s make him wear nice clothes.” That’s all he is. Gay. Same with Mercedes. She had a line in season one that was something like, “I may be a strong, confident black woman, but I’m more than that.” No, she isn’t. That’s all she is, and Kurt is just gay. It’s a fucking terrible, terrible TV show. I’m sick of seeing fucking recaps posted for every god damn fucking episode.

          • But to this person, AS might be more than just some random website. Idk, I feel weird about telling someone to just go elsewhere if they feel uncomfortable here!

        • Three words: Don’t read it!

          If something (i.e. FOX News, the New York Yankees, Evolutionary Psychologists…) pisses me off, I avoid it! They don’t get a rise out of me, and I go about my day as a cheerful person. It’s awesome. Try it sometime. (And watch me follow my own advice and ignore the rest of your comments.)

          OH WAIT I JUST FIGURED IT OUT YOU MUST BE SECRETLY A DUDE AND NOW I HATE YOU BECAUSE I AM A CRAZY FEMINIST MISANDRIST!! AND I LOOOOOOOOOVE GLEE.*

          (*Much like I love FOX)

        • I disagree with your cliquey comment, as a regular reader and occasional commenter I don’t feel excluded at all from the more regular commenters … I even won a comment award once, haha! Inevitably in any situation that involves dialogue there will be a core group of contributors often perceived as a clique, but this is fluid and changeable if you so desire no!?

          As for your other grievances with regards to the website’s content and viewpoint … I feel it would be churlish to respond, so instead I shall remind you of two things…. 1) Nobody is making you look at something on the WWW, so perhaps rather than comment negatively look at something else (can I recommend http://bit.ly/rXjym3 ) and 2) This isn’t a paid for service, so you will have to put up with what this amazing team decides to post, and it’s so diverse if something doesn’t suit maybe just don’t read it!

          For the record I love this article and can’t wait to read the next one and live viacariously through you “Cosette”

        • Ideas for you, fuck this: Don’t come to this website if you think that all of the content is shit. It isn’t for everyone. It happens to be great for a lot of us though.

          As someone who also came form an incredibly sheltered town and an incredibly Catholic (read: SUPER Catholic/SUPER traditional/SUPER heteronormative/SUPER against all things remotely homo), I find a lot on this website that is really interesting for me to read–not cliquey, not stereotypical, not terrible. Chances are, you are not the majority here. If you think the website is terrible, don’t read the articles.

          It’s pretty simple.

        • Fair points, “fuck this,” but you honestly should just not read AS then. It’s like when people are on a forum for a TV show and then cry out “Stop over-analyzing and bickering about the show! Just watch it and enjoy it!” And it’s like, well, why are you on a forum for the TV show that by definition is for analyzing and discussing the show? Just go watch it and STFU. And this is a bit like that. You hate this website and think it sucks, then why are you on it? Just don’t read it. Asking it to be a different website seems silly. There are other websites out there you’ll probably like more. Maybe even ones that don’t focus on American culture because it will have been created by non-Americans! Who knows! I know I sure don’t love every article and don’t necessarily agree with a lot of the tone or values portrayed here — we may even share some of the same grievances — but I still enjoy it.

          And the thing is, I think any perfectly valid points you had about this article will be completely dismissed because you were angry, inflammatory, hostile and rude. Really, kind constructive criticism wouldn’t have been much more difficult than the route you took. And I agree in that I didn’t see the article as anything more outstanding than someone’s blog, but I know what it’s like to write and have people judge your work and there’s no need to be a dick about it simply because you didn’t enjoy it. When people don’t love it, sometimes people miss the point completely or other times they help me you grow as a writer. Of course, sometimes someone makes you feel like shit, which is just not needed. I’ll be the first to admit I can be a total asshole sometimes, but I usually cringe afterward, like, “Was that necessary?” Maybe take a break from the computer for a while. I think this column has a lot of potential and I’m fine with hearing stories of sexual encounters, even if the title was very misleading.

        • I don’t understand. If you want a different kind of lesbian website, then you should start one. I think every online community has its own tone and culture (although I think AS is more tolerant than others of deviations from the norm, if they’re not voiced in such a malicious and unhelpful way. The criticism you’ve stated here isn’t phrased in any way that could help the staff of this site incorporate any kind of change based on your feedback.)

          Also, I don’t like Kurt either. I’d be surprised if most people on AS didn’t find many aspects of Glee problematic (it’s racist and sexist and uses double standards and lame stereotypes.) I’m pretty sure 90% of the comments about Glee here in the actual posts you mention are just about how awesome Brittana/Brittany/Santana are (AND THEY ARE), and not about the show itself.

        • i dont see anything irresponsible about promiscuity.
          infact, im pretty sure i get cranky if im not getting laid enough so……. in my opinion my sluttiness is really just doing a favour to everyone who has to spend their days with me.

        • hun, don’t take this the wrong way, but you sound not quite yourself. Are you sleepy? PTSDing? Generally wigging? did you JUST leave said closed environment, cause it sounds like you did. :/
          Being pissed of at Gleeking is a little weird. And yes there are politics, but there’s obviously a range of topics on the site. And you’d have to click the politics button to get there.

          U freaking out. haz nap or sugar, plz.

          This, from the bitchy political rant handle.—^

        • 1. um, can you point to a single actual instance of misandry on this site?
          2. This site does have a political point of view, and THANK GOD. If you want bland and apolitical gay/lesbian culture that never thinks critically about gender, there’s plenty of that elsewhere online…
          3. I think Glee is deeply flawed, but I LOVE KURT. I think its incredibly good for gay people that a flaming, sissified gay boy gets to take center-stage, and be beloved, and get a cute boyfriend, and not have to ACT LIKE A STRAIGHT PERSON in order to be “good enough” to represent us.

        • fuck this, I don’t watch Glee. I’ve also never read the Glee recaps on this site, or felt in any way obligated to. Some of the recaps I’ve read for other shows have been very funny, but I just haven’t had an interest in Glee, so I don’t read those. No one is forcing you to read them!

          Also, you CAN be queer and not be a feminist, but feminism =/= misandry. Maybe there is some misandry on this site, I personally haven’t noticed it, but you might get better results if you bring that up when you actually see it, instead of on an unrelated article. I’m a feminist, but I don’t consider myself a radical feminist, and I’m FAR from a misandrist.

          Also, the reason AS is US-centric is because it WAS FOUNDED BY AMERICANS. I see lots of articles about queers in other places, but AS having a mostly American staff isn’t some nefarious plot, it’s the result of its founders being American.

      • It’s kind of cool that the things Autostraddle gets criticized for are being too feminist, too antiracist, and too tolerant of bisexuality. And for Glee recaps I guess. I feel like that means it’s in pretty good shape.

      • wooooo I like having so many options of things to read. Some I like, some I don’t have to like. Part of why Autostraddle is my number one. If the website isn’t your thing, if the agenda of this website isn’t your thing, thats okay too. There are others.

        also, the kittens. Autostraddle has the best kitten graphics of the internet.

    • You might not like fuck this’ tone, but don’t be so quick to dismiss her opinions.

      I think this column was poorly written, but I also wonder – does no one else think Autostraddle has some sort of responsibility to its readers? No, we don’t pay for the site, but we love it, and rely on it in some ways. Although it sucks to hold AS to higher standards than mainstream publications, any website that presumes to represent a broad community (“girl-on-girl culture”) has to answer to those who feel marginalized by it.

      • I feel kind of iffy about the idea of responsibility to readers given that, like you say, we don’t pay if we don’t want to. Also, in the past the editors have listened to constructive criticism but spewing vitriol like fuck this did is unecessary and rude. If you read the other comments some readers loved this column. They’re never going to be able to please everyone. If you don’t like a column, don’t read it. I love AS but I don’t necessarily read all the articles because some don’t interest me.

  3. an easy way to navigate lesbian friendships/relationships is to get to know people a bit before you sleep with them. personally, i only have sex with people i genuinely like — which has worked out pretty well for me in Los Angeles. Zero drama, lots of friends and the occasional awesome girlfriend.

    i didn’t really enjoy this first blog, but it does have the potential to go somewhere.

  4. I liked the article, was like gay girl about town which used to be in the Londonpaper.

    Even when I try and just be friends with other gay grls and don’t sleep with them they still think I wanna fuck them grrr. Damn my nice-ness, gives people the wrong idea

  5. You’re adorable. Misandry? This site barely talks about men, per its girl-on-girl culture mandate. You’d think to be spewing man-hatred you’d have to mention men in more than passing reference.

  6. Loving the return of Mishka Colombo’s pictures!

    I’m not gonna lie, I found the article content a little on the light side. But then I remembered that I find sex columns universally boring because I like articles with a wider analysis of relationships/culture. Fortunately someone created this incredible “google” thing which lets me find the things I like with only a few keystrokes!

    I should probably still write a comment littered with four-letter expletives because this site hasn’t catered directly to my each and every need 100% but I don’t have time because the Good Wife is on in a minute.

  7. I am filled with GLEE at this article.

    GLEEGLEEGLEEGLEEGLEEGLEE! From the tips of my toes to the tip of my nose. From my nose to the top of my head I’m filled with beer but otherwise it’s all GLEE!

    I could be wrong but aren’t there other lesbian oriented websites out there on this internet whatsit? I’ve heard of this new thing called Google.

    Oh yeah. One last thing…..I hope all Autostraddlers have some GLEEGLEEGLEE in their lives, no matter where it comes from.

  8. The only way I’ve found to make a friendship out of a sexual relationship is to date heavily, fall madly in love, and then realize that for some completely legitimate and obvious-to-both-of-you reason, it isn’t going to work out.

    There may be other ways, of course, but I can’t say I’ve stumbled over any yet.

  9. But is it possible to build a meaningful friendship from a sexual relationship? If so, how is it done?

    I feel like this describes most of my meaningful friendships, and I think how it’s done is that you just talk about really explicitly non-sexual things or invite them to non-sexual events of some kind, and talk about other girls. something like that.

  10. The Devil’s Alarm Clock! I know the feeling. Every day without fail I wake up between 6 and 8 a.m., no matter how late I was up the night before. On the bright side we’re never late for morning engagements, on the not so bright side pretending to sleep until whoever you’re sleeping with (platonically or otherwise) wakes up is hell and a half.

  11. yes! i think a lot of lesbiqueer friendships started out as hook-ups. for some reason it seems sweet to me — like you got the potentially awkward shit out of the way at the beginning, so you can focus on just being two people who like each other. you don’t really have to wonder if the sex would work, because you already know.

  12. I’m psyched about this feature. Most queer columnists I read tend to focus on coming out or marriage-and-kids. Don’t get me wrong, those things are important, but it’s nice to talk about the fun parts of being queer every once in awhile, ya know?

  13. Hello, Cosette!

    I am super excited for this column because it very much needed. I liked your honesty and can’t wait to read more! yay!

    One thing to consider (at least because we are on a website that is aware and careful about shaming people, even unintentionally as I’m sure this was) is that describing the girl as “and a bit more zaftig than I usually prefer but very nice boobs” is excellent use of vocab but also a little offensive/insensitive. I feel like maybe, ‘AND nice boobs’ would change it from a body critique an awesome description of a person. Right now it feels like larger women automatically don’t have nice boobs.

    Haha, by now you probably can tell I am a little zaftig myself! Okay, much love, zero hate, and look forward to reading more!
    -moose

  14. Long time AS reader (3 years?), I am super excited for this new column! It reminds me of why I first looked around the site, it had more edgy stuff than the other lesbian sites out there (cough cough one in particular).

  15. i liked this column because i started reading it (to be fair ive been up since 7 am baking a cake and am still sleepy) and was like “if i were to write any article on this website, it would be this!” and then a few sentences in i was like “wait a minute DID i write this?!” and i re-evalutated my drunken weekend escapades and concluded that sadly, i did not write this.
    but it i much enjoyed it and look forward to more!!!

    also, in regards to your final deep question, this is a common struggle for a lot of queer women i think. my best friend always tells me i need friends i havent had sex with (but that number keeps shrinking……)

  16. I haven’t read every comment (the first half of them are exhausting!) so I don’t know if anyone has said anything like this but…

    Love the idea of a sex column but I will admit, the title of this blog had me thinking the content would be very different than what it was. Writing about personal experiences is fab and this author is a good writer but I was expecting something more than storytelling.

    I hope that the plans for this column include many different topics and approaches about sex in general, stuff that falls somewhere between erotic recapping and links to NSFW tumblr accounts. A lot of the sex postings on this site are made up of reviews of and links to other articles and postings… In my opinion, the writers on this site are so talented, sarcastic, smart, real, and relatable… I would love to read sex articles in that “voice.”

    Hope to see more sex columns in the future covering all sorts of topics, questions, ideas, health issues, products, and practices… :)

    • To tag on the constructive feedback theme, I would like to see more tips and how-to related sex coverage. I am envisioning a magical fusion of You Need Help and the Anonymous Sex Toy Review. Let’s be honest, my sex toys need help. Lesbian sex is a lot less written about than straight sex, or gay man sex.

  17. I thoroughly enjoyed this. I don’t have any queer single friends to tell me their own hookup stories, so I feel like this is the perfect read after a night out, a lot like how I would groggily meet friends for breakfast after parties in college and dish about our debauched evenings.

  18. Also, I really like Glee and I have no shame and I was confused throughout those comments re: what Glee has to do with this article (other than gay sex and gays and that I like both of them). Seems like someone has a sore spot. But anyway, this was great and I love gossip that doesn’t have anything to do with anyone I know because then I feel okay about knowing it.

  19. wow meany comments!

    i agree with sally’s above comment that this article is “on the light side” and I probs won’t read this column as per THEN DON”T READ IT feelings also above.

    also, OBVIOUSLY the glee comment is way rude, but it has always struck me as wierd that AS is so into glee when glee IS so cutesy whitwashed multiculturalist, queer-stereotype enforcing etc. although at the same time the glee articles are usually very funny and tongue in cheek and aware of those problems.

    also it is funny that the other commenter is like “AS is so feminist and radical agenda pushing and one-sided” or whatever (my reading), because my one occasional not-even-complaint is that alot of the political articles are more “liberal/progressive/democrat” than like “radical queer liberation.”

    but in any case i am glad AS is here and think that these things can be discussions!! not comment wars.

    • Sometimes I think it’s important to find points of “subversion” in mainstream pop culture, which is why I really like the Glee recaps/stuff– I also think it’s important to remember that for younger (queer, but also not) children in communities that don’t have much if ANY queer representation, things like Glee and Lady Gaga are very powerful, if very flawed (especially w/r/t race). We in this Autostraddle community have other points of relation, but many people don’t.

      In regards to your second point, I agree! but I feel like that helps me fit in to the queer world sometimes (as at this point I consider myself more of a democrat/progressive than an anarchist or something along those political lines, though I’m still figuring this out/figuring out if this is a “bad” position to hold). also find that speaking out and creating a community like this IS radical–also, I just love pop culture. Haha. Anyway, it’s great that people on here are so respectful and have discussions (most of the time!) and that because we are respectful, we can have points of contention w/ articles and people and things and voice those feelings. Yaaaa.

  20. “One of the most confusing things about being a lesbian is navigating relationships with other gay women: are we best suited to be friends or fuckbuddies or forever after?”

    Rarely has a truer statement been made.

    Thanks for this post. I really identified with it and now I think I understand a friend a little better as well.

  21. I’m just going to ignore the batshit crazy hateful comments above and post my thoughts as if they exist in a happy vacuum of AS love and Glee soundtracks, as those are two things that I believe make the world a better place. That said, my thoughts:

    1. I am enthused by this new column. Seems like a Daily Intel Sex Diary type of thing, and I dig it.

    2. I don’t think the title works, or at the very least, it was a bit misleading. I expected an introductory style post, where the author delved deep into her soul about “why [I] am so easy.” That’s not a necessity at all, I’m all for sex-positivity and anti slut shaming and I don’t really think you NEED a reason to be easy at all, BUT since the article was titled that way, it’s just what I expected. It would’ve been cool maybe to have an introduction from the writer before jumping in to a hookup-rundown, but again, I think it’s more an issue of confused expectations than bad writing/bad content.

    3. Curious: will this column be written by the same author all the time, or will AS be showcasing different lady adventures, a la the Daily Intel Sex Diaries (can you tell I really freaking like that offering on the web?!) Just wondering.

    All in all, I think this has a lot of potential, and I’m psyched to see where it goes next.

  22. Though fuck this came across rather explosive, I sometimes feel there isn’t alot of diversity of opinions here. I mean when one has a completely divergent thought that isn’t super hip cool or modern its jumped all over. But I enjoy many many of the features and enjoy reading AS in general. I pretty much usually stick to saying positive things here in order not to jumped on. Is it ok to not be kissing ass all the time? I don’t know. For the record, this wasn’t one of my favorites because I don’t get hooking up at all. I think sex without passion is incredibly boring and mundane unless one is inebriated. However when one is in their 20’s even 30’s casual sex seems the norm and apparently essential to discuss.

    • Yeah, I don’t get the casual hook up thing either. And having sex then figuring out if you want to date is ass backwards to my mind. Not that it doesn’t work for others, just not for me.

      I did my fair share of hooking up in my 20’s but by my early 30’s I was past that stage in my life.

      I just try to avoid posting when I’m cranky and argumentative, that’s just not good for anyone.

    • I’ve never had, nor wanted to have, casual hook-ups. But I don’t think it’s necessarily an age thing, more a personal thing. People have different wants and needs, is all. And I think that’s fine, as long as nobody is deliberately hurting anybody.

    • I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not kissing ass in the comments section. Criticism is fine, it’s when people start with the hateful vitriol, the bigoted statements, that people jump down their throats. In general I think AS is a great outlet for whatever your opinions may be, as long as they’re presented in a thoughtful, non-agressive way.

      Also, as somebody in their mid-20s casual hook ups aren’t my thing either. But everybody does their own thing and I think that’s great. This is just another voice, and I enjoyed the article quite a lot.

  23. I really liked this article. I liked how it was a story, a REAL story about something REAL. Because I am still kind of a baby gay, and sometimes I feel really lost about how girls meet girls and hook-up and sometimes stories are just exactly what you want. And it was written in such a great, down-to-earth way, I felt like I could really connect. So yeah, thanks. I’m looking forward to hearing more. :)

  24. Yes, I believe it’s possible to build a meaningful friendship from a sexual relationship, but this is a fine line because not everyone is emotionally capable of compartmentalizing their feelings. I’ve had several sexual “relationships” that have evolved into meaningful friendships and that was achieved by being communicative, forthright, and uttering that cliché phrase, “Let’s just be friends.”

    E.g., Take the sensitive types aka the girl and the U-Haul. For the Sensitives, I imagine it’s like a diffraction, emotional feelings that quickly move to the forefront after a few sexual encounters.

    For someone like myself who is less sensitive, but not insensitive it’s more of a segmentation of time and ego, and by that I simply mean that I don’t place expectations on any sexual encounter becoming anything more than what it is in that moment. S E X.

    Living in the present moment is difficult because life and boobs are distracting, but I know it’s my saving grace because by living in this moment right now, I am absolutely living as authentically as I possibly can.

    But being the overly psychoanalytic person that I am, I can’t help but wonder . . .

    Is everything I’ve just typed bullshit? Can I have sex without getting caught up in feelings and thoughts about the future with this person? Am I protecting myself from myself? Am I terrified of excruciating heartbreak?

    -Contemplative in New York

  25. While I, like everyone else have a few issues with this article, I will say that a meaningful relationship can build from sex. But it just so happens that this girl you hooked up with wasn’t the one to lead you into the world of monogamy.

    Also I suggest you be more vague about the real-life details of the future people you write about. Stating the area they live in, and all that is just too much info. Keep it more mysterious.

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