Skins Recap Episode 406: JJ Wants Candy

Lara runs out, but it’s okay because they’re kids, and they can’t drive, and so he’s got a second chance at the bus stop.

Our Town

Another amazing blue sky in Skinsland.

JJ: I really like you.
Lara: Funny way of showing it.
JJ: Yeah. This isn’t gonna work, is it? I mean, you’re a 10 and I’m a 3. I’m a bit funny. You should be with someone less reliant on their mother. Somebody with pecs, and guns. Someone like Liam.
Lara: Liam doesn’t flirt with old ladies. You flirt with old ladies. At work you call them “signorina” and tell them their lipstick looks nice. You’re nice when you just stop trying so hard. Yeah, you’re nice.

Omg, that’s so cute! Whomever thought flirting with old ladies would get you a toss with a fertile young lady. Lara kisses JJ on the bench, and then he gets a little assertive and kisses her back. Kissing quickly turns into a two-day sex marathon montage, or “fuck-a-thon” as the kids like to call it. Well, what do they call it when it all happens sober? This is the episode to show your parents.

You know what, JJ is such an eager lover that he might actually be … good in bed? Cuties.

via Skins FTW

At the end JJ rides off into a sunset on the back of a truck, drinking the milk that he’s getting for free.

I Want Those Underpants For Myself SRSLY

Unfortunately while JJ has been having The Sex, Cook has been living Survivor-style in JJ’s room without food or plumbing. Now that JJ’s back he’s ready to have some Kung Pao Chicken, call Freddie and bring the pub to the couch or something.  But JJ wants to get back to that sex thing.

Cook: Where’s the love, J? Where’s the love?
JJ: Why can’t you just be happy for me?
Cook: I am happy for ya. But it ain’t gonna last, is it?
JJ: Why not?
Cook: Because women are a mystery to those of us with normal brains, JJ, and so your special noggin doesn’t stand a chance. Now I need you to sneak me into your shitter JJ, because I’ve been waiting three days to drop my load. That’s how much I care, okay?

Okay, that is the last bathroom reference Riese can handle!

This Week, Pfizer Would Like Me to Sell You on Anxiety

The Jones family are on their scheduled visit to the psychiatrist. JJ doesn’t even need to talk, this guy can read his mind when he’s not trying to get into JJ’s Mom’s pants. He keeps referring to JJ’s “condition.” Probs ADD. All the kids have it these days, and those are the best drugs. Good street value.

Doctor: You’re worrying.
JJ: Yes.
Doctor: Just don’t do that.

Mrs. Jones is worried because JJ has been eating more and locking his door and looking at pornography, basically just being a normal teenage boy. Due to his condition, the doctor says, JJ cannot have sustained relationships. How does JJ have a psychiatrist, and Effy does not, the world is confusing.

JJ confesses that he has a girlfriend, and they have sex all the time. The doctor doesn’t think he should do that either, and prescribes him some pills.

JJ: Shove it up your cock!

Sad Cloud, JJ, Sad Cloud.

JJ runs out of the shrink’s office and has an anxiety attack slash total breakdown in the carpark. Unfortunately Lara’s ex-boyfriend / babydaddy Liam works on the grounds and sees JJ.

Plus, I’m Wearing a Special Vest So Drivers Can See Me in the Dark. And You’re Just Wearing a T-Shirt with a PICTURE of Sunglasses On It.

JJ pleads Liam not to tell Lara that he’s been spotted outside a psych clinic. Liam agrees, but he’s lying, you just can’t trust a dude with an armband tattoo.

Liam: You aren’t gonna win this one mate. Lara and me, we’ve got a baby. And all you’ve got is a ticket for the special bus.

Well, if everyone keeps pissing in his face, probs so.

Hipster Runoff

Mrs. Jones wants to meet Lara, which sets JJ and Lara off on a tour of Bristol to meet the friends and family. First stop? Naomi and Emily’s house. Or as she calls it, the “house of fun.”

A Series of Unfortunate Events & Date Ideas

She’s being sarcastic, there is defo no fun going on even though JJ insists they’re usually a barrel of laughs. Naomi makes half an effort but calls Lara “Laura” and Albert “it” and then sparks up a joint.

Naomi: I’m such a tit.
Emily: Tell me about it.


Welcome to the Season Of Our Discontent

JJ mentions that he ran into Emily when she was with a girl. JJ seriously has diarrhea out every hole YEAH THEY MADE ME DO IT I HAD TO TELL A BATHROOM JOKE.

I thought those deleted hugging scenes from 404 meant they loved & understood each other, and Emily moved back in with the Fam but that from here on out, her and Naomi would be mostly making out and whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears naked. Maybe we’re confusing fan-fic with the actual show. La-la-la.

Emily drags JJ off into another room to look at some ficticious homework and also cry.

I Make Myself Unhappy So You Go

JJ: What’s going on?
Nothing. Nothing, okay!?
If you’re cheating —
I just like Mandy. Nothing’s happened.
That would be bad, Ems.
You think I want to get into another relationship? Relationships suck. They really fucking suck.
Mine doesn’t.
Look at her. She’s using you.
What? How?
I don’t know. Maybe it’s the kid. Maybe she’s trying to get back at someone. Otherwise why would she
Why would she be with a mental basket like me?
Emily: I’m trying to protect you! Get out before she kicks the shit out of you, because she will.
JJ: Lara’s not Naomi. And I’m not you. I have trust, I have 75% trust. You’re running on empty. And it takes a mental basket to tell you that.

Thank you JJ! We miss earnest Emily, looking for love in all the wrong places and making it right. This new Emily has love, and it’s fixable, but instead she’s dumping pillars of salt into an open wound, just to see what she can get away with. Ladies, let’s reconcile.

Compared to JJ’s friends, the old lady with the story about the dude getting killed in the war was pretty optimistic.

Also (sorry last thing) Mandy looked like a bitch, right?

(last thing for real) I feel like this relationship, even when it sucks, feels authentic and unrestrained in a way that most television shows don’t grant lesbian relationships. Even though I hate where their story is going, I never feel that choices are made for them to please censors or to placate heterosexual viewers or even to please the homos; these choices are made for them just as they’re made for every other couple on the show. And that’s awesome.

The meet ‘n greet continues over at JJ’s parents house. On the way, JJ tells Lara that he should do all the explaining, his parents are probably going to have a lot of questions about his sanity, dating a single mother who is also a teenager.

Lara: JJ, I’m just your girlfriend. We’re okay, right?
JJ: Yeah… no. No one’s just anything to me, I’m a bit ‘all or nothing’.

Keeping Up with the Joneses

At the mention of “Baby Albert,” JJ’s dad looks up from his newspaper, and the world stops revolving, probs ’cause he is also hoping that it’s Fat Albert. Unfortch it is not. The news goes down like a lead balloon.

Mrs. Jones let’s out a Freudian slip and calls Lara a slut. Lara and Mrs. Jones both need to use the bathroom, but Cook is in there and so they all stand around the door arguing. OH FOR CHRISSAKE, she’s the only girl on the show who’s not on drugs, let’s thank the Lord for small blessings.

JJ is a little too insistent that no one is allowed to enter, and Lara jets. She’s a single mother with a baby; she doesn’t need some crazy in-laws as well.

Mrs. Jones: Maybe JJ hasn’t told you about himself —
JJ: Look you can’t go in the bathroom! What don’t you understand about that?
Lara: Alright that’s it, I’ve had enough.
JJ: Lara
Leave me alone. You’re fucking mental.

What I Just Enjoy Shaving my Body Hair

Hey-o! Its Cook with the Lady Bic and the comic relief. Mrs. Jones wants him to bugger off before she remembers that she’s seen him. Downstairs, her husband says he is going to try harder. He’s just addicted to the newspaper! He should talk to Dr. Drew.

Well At Least Her Pupils Weren’t Dilated Amirite?

Before he leaves, he’s gonna give JJ some more of that stellar advice. If he ever becomes a free man then he should try life coaching.

Cook: Find this Liam twat, and you have it out with him man to man.
JJ: Like you and Freddie did over Effy.
Cook: No…
JJ: Yeah look what good it did. She went crazy.

“Crazy” is Cook’s cue to exit. I don’t think he wants to talk about Effy. Cook’s going to go and stay at Naomi’s place, he must have heard how fun it is over there. Emily’s going to be stoked. Nothing like house guests when you’re relationship’s hanging by a thread, maybe she can go cry in front of him too. Or maybe Cook will fix it. I somehow feel he will fix it.

I think prison made Cook affection starved, he gives JJ a super long hug.

JJ goes to work where Liam is there flirting with his lady, I hope the stroller doesn’t go away that shit looks expensive.

At Hancocks, JJ tries to talk to Lara but she doesn’t want to, she’s hanging with Liam and the baby. She storms off when JJ pushes it, and then Liam gets all up in his grill about staying away from his family.

Thomas tries to step in but it’s too late, JJ gets all crazed and decks him.

And Also, Cleanup on Aisle 5

It ends just like it started, with Lara announcing over the PA system that they shouldn’t see each other anymore.

Some People Call Me a Space Cowboy, Some People Call me a Gangster of Love

How could anyone walk into this room and not feel overwhelmed with love and affection, look at all the outer space stuff happening in there! Oh here comes Dad! Dads are the underdog this season.

Dad says that Mom had love & care for JJ that was maybe too strong. I hope this won’t be an incest subplot. He said he tried not to care too much for JJ because Mom cared enough for the both of them.

I Love You, Man

Dad: “I used to pick you up from playschool, and all the other boys would be running around, shouting and fighting, normal. And you’d be sitting making telescopes out of toilet rolls.”


Dad: “… And well, just, I wanted you to know how I felt about that… I thought you’d always be alright. I thought you could do anything. I think you can conquer anything, Jay.”


Aw, Dad goes and tells Mom how nice she looks in her dress. That’s good, at her age I’d be wearing sweatpants for sure. There’s a lot of powerful women/nervous husbands in this show. Maybe they’re gonna bang!

I think the message of Skins Season Four is:

1. You will be just like your parents, children, unless you figure out your shit. Are you listening Albert?

2. Parents can learn from their children, too!

3. Gay is okay, but sometimes hard.

Hit Me Baby One More Time

JJ goes to Liam and says let’s get the “you punching me in the face thing” out of the way. Liam doesn’t want to waste his time.

Liam: I love her. I can’t fucking help it, I love her alright.
JJ: Yeah, me too.
Liam: Well it’s not too much of a problem, is it mate, because she thinks you’re a cunt.
JJ: Well I am a cunt. Because I didn’t trust her to like me.
Liam: You said it mate. And she’s clever like, she’s too clever for you or me.
JJ: I’m sorry.
Liam: We’ve got a kid together, and it ain’t gonna go away. And I will not give him up for nobody.

Liam says JJ can’t have his kid, which is fine, because JJ does not want a kid. So whatever JJ does, it better be good! Oh rom-com moment up ahead!

JJ runs like Maniac Magee! He’s going to do something romantic, I can tell!

I Swear I’ll Sing Outside Your Window!

Indeed, after some teamwork with Mum, JJ shows up outside of Lara’s house with an entire band of ukulele geeks, no joke. He busts out this crazy-ass Morriseyish singing voice, and they do, “I know this march is true.”

Luckily, Lara’s totally charmed! And also has her hand on her stomach, I hope she’s not preggers again! She runs downstairs, and they kissss!

Once More, With Tongue!

Who are these magical ukelele people? Oh they are the Ukulele Orchestra of Britain. You know who should hire them to do a little “Least Complicated” outside their window?


Then the STAR TREK MUSIC begins!!!! This is how Star Trek episodes always ended too, with this music, and then Picard would be like, “Stardate lalalala, today I had sex with an alien!”

The end! Next week it looks like they’re putting Effy on Seroquel and now she can’t drink anymore, eek. Hopefully that means Naomi & Emily can still have sex!

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Crystal has written 320 articles for us.


  1. Aw, I think they said last season that JJ had Aspergers and was slightly autistic like that one girl from ANTM. Loved the recap as per ushe!

    • oh really? damn, i am going to have to look into that. crystal usually looks over these before we publish them since she knows last season better than I do, but she had a big presentation at work today so wasn’t able to. damn!

      anyhow, thank you!

      • honestly, i dont know how any of you can work a day job AND keep this site full of this amount of quantity and quality articles. you ladies must never sleep! thank you for all your hard work

  2. This is my favorite episode of this season because it was the only one that didn’t make me feel depressed at the end. Honestly, I don’t see how this season can’t end on a bummer note, though. Everyone’s a high school dropout, Effy’s on the verge of suicide, and Freddy/Pandora and Emily/Naomi are broken up. I feel like if Naomi had her own episode, there would be a way that I could imagine the Naomily storyline ending well. But now I don’t see how they’ll ever have enough screentime to get a happy ending. :(

    • According to the episode after Effy is Naomi and is also the last episode where everything gets sorted out I guess? This is good news but I’m sad that Pandora apparently has no episode/absolutely nothing going for her this season. I’m weirdly invested in things turning out okay for her.

      • Agreed. I LOVED Panda through most of season 3 and I wanted to see her get her life together this season. I really hoped she would kind of go back to being the super sweet and somewhat innocent character in her group of MDMA & Sex-Crazed friends. But apparently, not.

  3. Seeing Emily with Mandy made me so uncomfortable! Like, heart-hammering, stomach-quivering uncomfortable. I did not like it. I shouted at the TV.

    Also, I totally agree with this: I feel like this relationship, even when it sucks, feels authentic and unrestrained in a way that most television shows don’t grant lesbian relationships.

    And double also, “Man in the Mirror” really was perfectly heartbreaking.

    Luff the recap, as always. :)

    • also i thought mandy seemed like a bitch. when she was like, ‘i like her,’ i was like, how could you like her, I met her for like ten seconds and I did not like her one bit.

  4. Emily and Naomi are so miserable and that makes me miserable.

    Jean Luc Picard acted as a second father for me throughout childhood, so I appreciate the startrek references in this episode.

    Possibly I become too invested in television shows?

  5. My no.1 concern this episode is that JJ did not shower and change his shirt and gargle mouthwash after the baby peed all over him! Like did he even wash his face?? I was still srsly distracted by this when Emily showed up acting sketchy with that girl, and now I just have a lot of anxiety.

    The ending was sweet though. I heart that JJ plays the ukelele. HE WOULD. I bet he has a youtube channel where he does ironic ukelele covers of current pop hits.

    • Yeah… when they were at the bar chatting & then outside making out, all I could think about was A BABY JUST PEED IN HIS MOUTH. That’s no.

      I just learned Umbrella on the uke, think it’ll help me get chicks?

  6. “If you’re looking for a voice of reason, you should probs not call the convict who’s naked in your bed wearing nothing but a ukulele.”

    yes but when you’re JJ, it’s either that or your tape recorder – excuse me, captain’s log.

  7. The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain are the loveliest peeps ever, I worked with them for a bit on a festival..SO GREAT seeing them on this episode.

    I hate JJ’s Dr., who is obvs getting perks for prescribing drugs that he doesn’t need.

  8. my two thoughts about this episode/skins are:

    1. i feel really weird about how affected i am by the family scenes? like, if you knew how many times they’ve made me cry… well, i’m not going to tell you.

    2. i also feel like skins is making me believe i live in this alternate universe where it is ok/normal to self-medicate with pills all the time. like, this is a very pedestrian concept to me now, i feel like taking an ativan to make it through a tuesday afternoon is no biggie. help please

    • Rachel, I was almost just going to let this go by…but then I thought, what if you weren’t just being silly or making a joke…

      I’ve been there. Needing an Ativan (lorazepam) to “make it through a Tuesday.” It was prescribed by a doctor, as part of my ongoing treatment for clinical depression, but there were times when I convinced myself that I needed a double dose or needed to take a dose earlier than normal, “just to make it throught the day.” Those were really, really bad times, made worse mostly because once I started cycling that dose of meds higher and higher or more often than normal, that’s when I started feeling like I needed it more often than normal. Very dark times.

      There were other issues that contributed, of course. A coworker had died suddenly, and a teenager that I worked with and cared about had taken his own life. These compounded to make my depression even more severe.

      I’ve been off the Ativan for about seven months now and am and doing much better. It was a difficult process (which is kinda funny…it’s such an innocuos, little pill).

      DON’T START taking something like this unless a doctor prescribes it and only take it as prescribed!! Please!

      If you were just joking around then laugh this off, okay? …but I didn’t want to take the chance.

      Peace be with you. -Mis

  9. i’ve never seen an episode of skins ever, but i have read all of autostraddle’s recaps so i’m going to go out on a limb and make a judgment: i liked this episode because it wasn’t depressing and it was also kind of funny, but naomily, wtf. i want everything to be happy in lesboland.

  10. I think the humor in the rap songs/car scene were totally missed. They weren’t racist songs or maybe I missed the humor here ?
    Eh anyway sappy episode, but I guess it was needed after the last one’s bleakness.

  11. -I have very little interest in a relationship that starts, peaks, and declines in a week.
    -Mandy was pretty
    -I appreciate Cooks body hair removal more than anyone here and I wish more would follow suit
    -Emily & Naomi- Either break up or be together. Its simple. Relationships are NOT that complicated

    • as i have a lot of um, men in my past, i also appreciated cook’s body hair removal and wish more would follow suit, especially those who have expectations of females to do the same

  12. I’m torn now.

    I don’t want to see Naomi and Emily break up.

    But if they do, that’s at least two more lesbians/bisexuals on this show, because they’d be dating other people. Already there’s at least four lesbians this season. One’s dead. So, they’d need to add another, because Naomi wouldn’t stay single… that makes five!

    Five lesbians? That’s practically an L Word.

    And you know they’d make it right in the end. In six months, Naomi and Emily would definitely wind up back together.

  13. JJ is a queer girl in a boy’s body, and you know how I know this? Because I’m a queer girl and I totally was JJ in high school (with some Jal thrown in since I’m a music major who was totally the big fish in the small pond that was her school’s lousy orchestra). I’m still like him – I feel like these days I’m some combo of JJ + Naomi + Jal, with maybe some Tony on my bad days.

  14. Um, is Lara the same girl who Sid tried to hit on at a party in the first season, who then threw up on him and then passed out? I think she is…

  15. The first time I watched this episode I had to pause it to go make myself a Capribena…cos I’m weird like that. It has to be capri sunne juice though.

    Does anyone know where I could read any series 1 and 2 recaps anywhere?

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