Lara runs out, but it’s okay because they’re kids, and they can’t drive, and so he’s got a second chance at the bus stop.
Another amazing blue sky in Skinsland.
JJ: I really like you.
Lara: Funny way of showing it.
JJ: Yeah. This isn’t gonna work, is it? I mean, you’re a 10 and I’m a 3. I’m a bit funny. You should be with someone less reliant on their mother. Somebody with pecs, and guns. Someone like Liam.
Lara: Liam doesn’t flirt with old ladies. You flirt with old ladies. At work you call them “signorina” and tell them their lipstick looks nice. You’re nice when you just stop trying so hard. Yeah, you’re nice.
Omg, that’s so cute! Whomever thought flirting with old ladies would get you a toss with a fertile young lady. Lara kisses JJ on the bench, and then he gets a little assertive and kisses her back. Kissing quickly turns into a two-day sex marathon montage, or “fuck-a-thon” as the kids like to call it. Well, what do they call it when it all happens sober? This is the episode to show your parents.
You know what, JJ is such an eager lover that he might actually be … good in bed? Cuties.
At the end JJ rides off into a sunset on the back of a truck, drinking the milk that he’s getting for free.
I Want Those Underpants For Myself SRSLY
Unfortunately while JJ has been having The Sex, Cook has been living Survivor-style in JJ’s room without food or plumbing. Now that JJ’s back he’s ready to have some Kung Pao Chicken, call Freddie and bring the pub to the couch or something. But JJ wants to get back to that sex thing.
Cook: Where’s the love, J? Where’s the love?
JJ: Why can’t you just be happy for me?
Cook: I am happy for ya. But it ain’t gonna last, is it?
JJ: Why not?
Cook: Because women are a mystery to those of us with normal brains, JJ, and so your special noggin doesn’t stand a chance. Now I need you to sneak me into your shitter JJ, because I’ve been waiting three days to drop my load. That’s how much I care, okay?
Okay, that is the last bathroom reference Riese can handle!
This Week, Pfizer Would Like Me to Sell You on Anxiety
The Jones family are on their scheduled visit to the psychiatrist. JJ doesn’t even need to talk, this guy can read his mind when he’s not trying to get into JJ’s Mom’s pants. He keeps referring to JJ’s “condition.” Probs ADD. All the kids have it these days, and those are the best drugs. Good street value.
Doctor: You’re worrying.
Doctor: Just don’t do that.
Mrs. Jones is worried because JJ has been eating more and locking his door and looking at pornography, basically just being a normal teenage boy. Due to his condition, the doctor says, JJ cannot have sustained relationships. How does JJ have a psychiatrist, and Effy does not, the world is confusing.
JJ confesses that he has a girlfriend, and they have sex all the time. The doctor doesn’t think he should do that either, and prescribes him some pills.
JJ: Shove it up your cock!
Sad Cloud, JJ, Sad Cloud.
JJ runs out of the shrink’s office and has an anxiety attack slash total breakdown in the carpark. Unfortunately Lara’s ex-boyfriend / babydaddy Liam works on the grounds and sees JJ.
Plus, I’m Wearing a Special Vest So Drivers Can See Me in the Dark. And You’re Just Wearing a T-Shirt with a PICTURE of Sunglasses On It.
JJ pleads Liam not to tell Lara that he’s been spotted outside a psych clinic. Liam agrees, but he’s lying, you just can’t trust a dude with an armband tattoo.
Liam: You aren’t gonna win this one mate. Lara and me, we’ve got a baby. And all you’ve got is a ticket for the special bus.
Well, if everyone keeps pissing in his face, probs so.
Mrs. Jones wants to meet Lara, which sets JJ and Lara off on a tour of Bristol to meet the friends and family. First stop? Naomi and Emily’s house. Or as she calls it, the “house of fun.”
A Series of Unfortunate Events & Date Ideas
She’s being sarcastic, there is defo no fun going on even though JJ insists they’re usually a barrel of laughs. Naomi makes half an effort but calls Lara “Laura” and Albert “it” and then sparks up a joint.
Naomi: I’m such a tit.
Emily: Tell me about it.
Welcome to the Season Of Our Discontent
JJ mentions that he ran into Emily when she was with a girl. JJ seriously has diarrhea out every hole YEAH THEY MADE ME DO IT I HAD TO TELL A BATHROOM JOKE.
I thought those deleted hugging scenes from 404 meant they loved & understood each other, and Emily moved back in with the Fam but that from here on out, her and Naomi would be mostly making out and whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears naked. Maybe we’re confusing fan-fic with the actual show. La-la-la.
Emily drags JJ off into another room to look at some ficticious homework and also cry.
I Make Myself Unhappy So You Go
JJ: What’s going on?
Emily: Nothing. Nothing, okay!?
JJ: If you’re cheating —
Emily: I just like Mandy. Nothing’s happened.
JJ: That would be bad, Ems.
Emily: You think I want to get into another relationship? Relationships suck. They really fucking suck.
JJ: Mine doesn’t.
Emily: Look at her. She’s using you.
JJ: What? How?
Emily: I don’t know. Maybe it’s the kid. Maybe she’s trying to get back at someone. Otherwise why would she —
JJ: Why would she be with a mental basket like me?
Emily: I’m trying to protect you! Get out before she kicks the shit out of you, because she will.
JJ: Lara’s not Naomi. And I’m not you. I have trust, I have 75% trust. You’re running on empty. And it takes a mental basket to tell you that.
Thank you JJ! We miss earnest Emily, looking for love in all the wrong places and making it right. This new Emily has love, and it’s fixable, but instead she’s dumping pillars of salt into an open wound, just to see what she can get away with. Ladies, let’s reconcile.
Compared to JJ’s friends, the old lady with the story about the dude getting killed in the war was pretty optimistic.
Also (sorry last thing) Mandy looked like a bitch, right?
(last thing for real) I feel like this relationship, even when it sucks, feels authentic and unrestrained in a way that most television shows don’t grant lesbian relationships. Even though I hate where their story is going, I never feel that choices are made for them to please censors or to placate heterosexual viewers or even to please the homos; these choices are made for them just as they’re made for every other couple on the show. And that’s awesome.
The meet ‘n greet continues over at JJ’s parents house. On the way, JJ tells Lara that he should do all the explaining, his parents are probably going to have a lot of questions about his sanity, dating a single mother who is also a teenager.
Lara: JJ, I’m just your girlfriend. We’re okay, right?
JJ: Yeah… no. No one’s just anything to me, I’m a bit ‘all or nothing’.
Keeping Up with the Joneses
At the mention of “Baby Albert,” JJ’s dad looks up from his newspaper, and the world stops revolving, probs ’cause he is also hoping that it’s Fat Albert. Unfortch it is not. The news goes down like a lead balloon.
Mrs. Jones let’s out a Freudian slip and calls Lara a slut. Lara and Mrs. Jones both need to use the bathroom, but Cook is in there and so they all stand around the door arguing. OH FOR CHRISSAKE, she’s the only girl on the show who’s not on drugs, let’s thank the Lord for small blessings.
JJ is a little too insistent that no one is allowed to enter, and Lara jets. She’s a single mother with a baby; she doesn’t need some crazy in-laws as well.
Mrs. Jones: Maybe JJ hasn’t told you about himself —
JJ: Look you can’t go in the bathroom! What don’t you understand about that?
Lara: Alright that’s it, I’ve had enough.
JJ: Lara —
Lara: Leave me alone. You’re fucking mental.
What I Just Enjoy Shaving my Body Hair
Hey-o! Its Cook with the Lady Bic and the comic relief. Mrs. Jones wants him to bugger off before she remembers that she’s seen him. Downstairs, her husband says he is going to try harder. He’s just addicted to the newspaper! He should talk to Dr. Drew.
Well At Least Her Pupils Weren’t Dilated Amirite?
Before he leaves, he’s gonna give JJ some more of that stellar advice. If he ever becomes a free man then he should try life coaching.
Cook: Find this Liam twat, and you have it out with him man to man.
JJ: Like you and Freddie did over Effy.
JJ: Yeah look what good it did. She went crazy.
“Crazy” is Cook’s cue to exit. I don’t think he wants to talk about Effy. Cook’s going to go and stay at Naomi’s place, he must have heard how fun it is over there. Emily’s going to be stoked. Nothing like house guests when you’re relationship’s hanging by a thread, maybe she can go cry in front of him too. Or maybe Cook will fix it. I somehow feel he will fix it.
I think prison made Cook affection starved, he gives JJ a super long hug.
JJ goes to work where Liam is there flirting with his lady, I hope the stroller doesn’t go away that shit looks expensive.
At Hancocks, JJ tries to talk to Lara but she doesn’t want to, she’s hanging with Liam and the baby. She storms off when JJ pushes it, and then Liam gets all up in his grill about staying away from his family.
Thomas tries to step in but it’s too late, JJ gets all crazed and decks him.
And Also, Cleanup on Aisle 5
It ends just like it started, with Lara announcing over the PA system that they shouldn’t see each other anymore.
Some People Call Me a Space Cowboy, Some People Call me a Gangster of Love
How could anyone walk into this room and not feel overwhelmed with love and affection, look at all the outer space stuff happening in there! Oh here comes Dad! Dads are the underdog this season.
Dad says that Mom had love & care for JJ that was maybe too strong. I hope this won’t be an incest subplot. He said he tried not to care too much for JJ because Mom cared enough for the both of them.
I Love You, Man
Dad: “I used to pick you up from playschool, and all the other boys would be running around, shouting and fighting, normal. And you’d be sitting making telescopes out of toilet rolls.”
Dad: “… And well, just, I wanted you to know how I felt about that… I thought you’d always be alright. I thought you could do anything. I think you can conquer anything, Jay.”
OMG MICHAEL JACKSON MAN IN THE MIRROR IS PLAYING NOW. HOW DID THEY GET THE RIGHTS TO THIS SONG? MY HEART IS BREAKING INTO A THOUSAND GLITTERY PIECES!
Aw, Dad goes and tells Mom how nice she looks in her dress. That’s good, at her age I’d be wearing sweatpants for sure. There’s a lot of powerful women/nervous husbands in this show. Maybe they’re gonna bang!
I think the message of Skins Season Four is:
1. You will be just like your parents, children, unless you figure out your shit. Are you listening Albert?
2. Parents can learn from their children, too!
3. Gay is okay, but sometimes hard.
Hit Me Baby One More Time
JJ goes to Liam and says let’s get the “you punching me in the face thing” out of the way. Liam doesn’t want to waste his time.
Liam: I love her. I can’t fucking help it, I love her alright.
JJ: Yeah, me too.
Liam: Well it’s not too much of a problem, is it mate, because she thinks you’re a cunt.
JJ: Well I am a cunt. Because I didn’t trust her to like me.
Liam: You said it mate. And she’s clever like, she’s too clever for you or me.
JJ: I’m sorry.
Liam: We’ve got a kid together, and it ain’t gonna go away. And I will not give him up for nobody.
Liam says JJ can’t have his kid, which is fine, because JJ does not want a kid. So whatever JJ does, it better be good! Oh rom-com moment up ahead!
JJ runs like Maniac Magee! He’s going to do something romantic, I can tell!
I Swear I’ll Sing Outside Your Window!
Indeed, after some teamwork with Mum, JJ shows up outside of Lara’s house with an entire band of ukulele geeks, no joke. He busts out this crazy-ass Morriseyish singing voice, and they do, “I know this march is true.”
Luckily, Lara’s totally charmed! And also has her hand on her stomach, I hope she’s not preggers again! She runs downstairs, and they kissss!
Once More, With Tongue!
Who are these magical ukelele people? Oh they are the Ukulele Orchestra of Britain. You know who should hire them to do a little “Least Complicated” outside their window?
Then the STAR TREK MUSIC begins!!!! This is how Star Trek episodes always ended too, with this music, and then Picard would be like, “Stardate lalalala, today I had sex with an alien!”
The end! Next week it looks like they’re putting Effy on Seroquel and now she can’t drink anymore, eek. Hopefully that means Naomi & Emily can still have sex!