She/Her/Sir: Finding My Home in Kink as a Black, Queer, Masc of Center Dom

While I had always been a very strong top in the bedroom, it was the femme women I dated who helped me understand myself through kink. One requested to be leashed, another wanted to be primally dominated, and another asked for help finding direction in her daily life. At the time, all I really knew about kink and BDSM was the stereotype available in popular culture — as far as I knew, kink was white, heteronormative, and violent, without redeeming qualities. I did not want to see myself slide into a subculture that I saw as inherently misogynist. But my desire to fill the needs of these women challenged me to become a student of kink and BDSM. I took a year off from dating and delved deeply into the world of Black, queer kink, and in that space, I found myself.

I’m non-monogamous, and while my wife of almost 20 years is not submissive, she is the most open-minded person I’ve ever met. She seeks freedom and Black joy in every aspect of her life, and the way she lives unapologetically is a constant source of inspiration. So when she suggested I start a kinky Instagram account because I was bored with dating apps, I figured, why not? I craved connections — not just sexual ones, but energetic connections. I wanted a place where I could learn and grow with others who were carving out space for Black, queer kink.

I hoped that there would be others out there like me, a Sensual Dominant — someone who uses reward and praise to explore power dynamics. I imagined a group of a couple hundred folks ready to talk about power exchange and kink from a place of pleasure and joy (with just a little bit of pain). Once I started my Instagram account, I was blown away by the depth of interest. There was a clear need for conversations about kink and the collective wisdom of Blackness — how we transform kink into something profoundly healing, spiritual, and ritual-based. Now there are over 14,000 of us. I have a learning circle of almost 200 Black queer and trans folks looking to become Dominants and deepen their practice, and I’m hosting my first submissive training in the spring.

Kink and BDSM have played a long-standing role in queer history, but the retellings of that history don’t often integrate the voices of Black folks. Today, Black, queer femmes and GNC folks are reclaiming the space and transforming it in beautiful ways. We’re reimagining kink as a space of agency for Black women and queers around the world, where consent and pleasure are at the center. Kink empowers us to advocate for ourselves and our needs (sexual and otherwise) by increasing our skills in negotiation, navigating consent, and exploring our people-pleasing tendencies and repressed desires. Kink and BDSM can be profound spaces of sexual and emotional healing — something that Black people, and especially Black women, deeply deserve.

I love ritualistic body worship, tea and cigar service, wax play, fire play, deep impact play, and, of course, power play. For me, kink has brought me deeper into my purpose as a caretaker, nurturer, and leader. As a Daddi and Dominant, I am responsible for the well-being and support of those in my care, and I get to cultivate a safe space for others to explore what brings them the deepest pleasure. Being a Daddi honors my queer masculinity (in such gender affirming ways) while drawing on my deep nurturing qualities. I offer my submissives mindfulness practices, monitor their daily progress towards the goals they’ve set for themselves, make sure they eat regularly and get enough sleep, buy them stuffies to cuddle at night, and provide lots of encouragement, protection, and space for them to indulge their inner child when they need it. This allows the submissives I play with (who are often responsible for everyone in their lives) to rest, and it gives them a chance to reclaim the childhood they may not have been fully able to enjoy. Black women take on such an incredibly disproportionate amount of care in this world, and it is my honor to hold space for them in this way.

I am constantly humbled by the experiences and moments of care I am allowed to hold — the vulnerability, the Black joy. Submissive pleasure pushes me to further my craft as a Dominant. What I’ve learned through kink goes far beyond sex. I am constantly learning new ways to play with and care for others. Most importantly, I’ve grown as a person. Kink has challenged me to become better at communication, to set boundaries, and to better manage my ego and insecurities (which is still very much a work in progress!). I’m proud of the impact I have on people’s lives, and I’m proud that after being in my care, my submissives are stronger and closer to their dreams.

As my Dominance evolves, so much lies on the horizon. I’m looking forward to creating more spaces for play, pleasure, and learning for Black queer and trans folks in 2023. I want to travel with my submissives (Daddi vacations are lit!) and work with other Black queer and trans kinksters to make pleasure more accessible. Above all, I want to centralize personal growth as a necessary practice for our people. Seeking freedom in pleasure and joy and in the healthy, whole connections that feed us — that is my goal. To be worthy of them. To create them. That’s the point of being here. And I’m excited to contribute what I can to help people in their individual lives and in our collective journey.

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Black Queer Dom

Black has written 2 articles for us.


    • This is amazing. I see myself in a lot of what you wrote, I was dang did I write this lol felt like reading my own mind. I love that! I seek a healthy community of queer bdsm humans that’s more about sharing, learning together and from eachother, just enjoying this lifestyle along side one another. Thank you for sharing this.

  1. This is a beautifully written article, but for those of us not in the dynamic or new to it it’s difficult to understand with all the jargon. What is ritualistic body worship? What is wax play or fire play? And what do these things mean to you since it seems like there is an incredibly vast spectrum for all of this?

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