Some Things is a monthly comic by Cameron Glavin.
Autostraddle cannot exist without the generous support of our readers. We're running the fundraiser through March 29th!
We're out of immediate danger...but we had to ask...what if we could survive for longer? Will you help?
Go to our Fundraiser!
Cameron is an illustrator hailing from Ohio. When she’s not drawing, she’s probably very, very quietly having loud thoughts about: queer things, her eventual shop, what to watch next on Netflix, food, names for her future pets, and tumblr.
Cameron has written 76 articles for us.
I love this, and I feel like you are in my head, and I may be sending my getting-married-friends and my mom to this page…
… hm. Now I feel the need to find out just what the difference is between engagement and marriage rings. ^_^;
Wait, I thought it was the same ring that just moved from one hand to the other. It’s not?
Usually in America the engagment ring has a diamond/gemstone and is worn only by women, while the wedding band is simpler and worn by both men and women after the wedding (obviously in queer relationships those roles may differ). They both go on the left ring finger, traditonally. I haven’t personally heard of the switching hands thing, but I wouldn’t be susprised if that was a tradition in some cultures.
In some circles the bridal(grooms don’t get one) engagement ring is the more expensive one with the bigger diamond. This originally had it’s root as an informal act of insurance in case the groom broke the engagement. A quiet out of court way to settle “breach of promise” as a loss of a getting a husband was a loss income for a woman.
But now uh it’s pretty much a display of wealth and triumph in certain circles.
Oh and there was a trend in bridal jewelry where engagement ring and wedding ring were designed as a set to be worn together.
My aunt married in the 80’s has one, dunno if it’s still a thing tho.
American consumerism *finger guns*
Yep. I got married in 2001 and my engagement and wedding rings are a matched set that nest together.
I have no idea how popular this style is but I LOVE mine. I didn’t care about getting an engagement ring but it was really important to my partner to give me one – we found one that fit my personal style and that was more about us than about conspicuous consumption.
An engagement ring is given when / right after you get engaged and is usually fancy (like diamonds) and wedding rings are exchanged during the ceremony and are usually plain gold.
Traditionally a man would give his bride-to-be a big engagement ring to show that he can afford to take care of her or what evs and now I think it’s about whatever you want it to be.
My brother wore a gold engagement earring – I’m honestly not sure if he got it himself or if his future wife bought it for him.
If there’s already this much confusion before considering family involvement, seating charts & potentially having to vocalize emotions in front of a crowd, I revise my stance from True Theoretical Ambivalence to Passive Reluctance.
This is great.
Ooof, yup yup yup. My social circle is taking it up a notch by having babies one after the other after the other, almost like it was planned. Honestly I get more excited when a friend adopts an animal (especially an old dog or cat) than when they get engaged/married.
This sounds a lot like my thoughts on marriage, although I don’t have a lot of friends getting married all at once (in truth, this statement could be shortened to “I don’t have a lot of friends;” c’est la vie).
Quality over quantity
I remember when my wife and I were planning our wedding, I realized how much it was a thing I hadn’t thought about. I was never one of those girls who imagined walking down the isle, or really any part of a formal ceremony. But my wife wanted one, and I’m generally the one who gets things organized. We did have a pot luck, which was the part that I wanted. Sometimes my wife suggests that we have another reception, but I felt like the first one was plenty of work and there’s no need to go through that again.
“You can bring an ambiguous friend whose face you kiss” — that is just so brilliant. Thank you !
My wedding was very modest. In front of a notary in his office, my brother and sister-in-law as witnesses, then the four of us went out to dinner. My wife and I had saved up for months to go to this really good restaurant. My brother surprised us by paying for the evening. So wonderful to be taken care of that way.
I dated a person who read my lack of interest in weddings as resentment(my parents aren’t happily married) and a disdain of romance and femininity as a symptom of internalised self hatred.
Now that I think of it that might have been kind of a warning they’d try to mold me into their idea of what “such pretty girl” should be rather then accept me as I was.
(Not beautiful, but pretty or cute.)
Andddddd anyone I dated I expected them to have similarly strong reaction to my lack of interest.
To be crushed, try to rationalise it as me being broken and try to fix me.
Accidental therapy session strikes again…
“A speech so embarassing you’ll wish your head could retract into your torso” is perfect and also what I’ll be threatening my getting-married loved ones with from now on, thanks. This replaces “I will bribe the DJ to play ‘I Knew The Bride When She Used to Rock ‘n Roll’.”
People are similarly horrified by my being all about marriage–but mostly because marriage (provided the person I’d marry has decent health insurance and shit and like honestly probably wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t have that) would be 100% about the finances and honestly really just the health insurance because my bod is A Disaster Zone and I need need need good insurance (I’m still on my parents’ insurance but due SOLELY TO ME our yearly deductible for all three of us was met 11 days into the year so uh yeah I have a lot of medical expenses). Because marriage is supposed to be all about romantic love and shit right? I mean I guess so because people DO NOT LIKE IT AT ALL when I talk about it as a legal contract for financial security and so that someone I trust can like make medical decisions for me if Shit Happens. People also don’t like that I’m more interested (at least hypothetically) in getting hitched with a good friend than a romantic partner but like yo…friendships have been much more solid and don’t tend to end on as bad of terms as romantic relationships so they feel stabler to me.
I believe marriage originated as a financial contract, so you’re right on target. You have real health concerns. So your interest in marriage given your medical and financial well-being are perfectly logical. I’ve always thought that this is one of the reasons marriage should be open to anyone, romantically connected or not.
I love this comic, it gives me a lot of feels. I have spent the majority of my life answering the wedding question by just copying big tv weddings I have seen over the years like the grandmothers over the top dream wedding for Rory in the Gilmore girls, or Shane and Carmens almost wedding in the L Word until someone called me out on it and I stopped. For the first time in my life I have finally been able to answer the question honestly a few months ago after working in the wedding industry for 5 years. And at the end of the day, if I ever do get married I’ve seen enough to realize that for me, simplicity supported by alcohol and a great band or DJ is all that is really needed in a comforting, safe and welcoming space. A partner and an officiant go along way too.