This week, our excitement for Episode 106 of Showtime’s The Real L Word vacillated slightly from day to day. Occasionally we’d find ourselves daydreaming mid-afternoon about Rose and her bros blowin’ off steam or Mikey’s Sunglasses facing off against Whitney’s Power of the Clam in a Celesbian Lazerdeath Match. From time to time, we’d awake sweaty in the middle of the night, screaming: “IT’S THE PERFECT DRESS!”

Then, at last, the time came.

My stomach hurt — was it dread? PMS? The responsibility thrust upon me to be “playful” as I recap a program which undermines everything I believe in as a human being? There was only one way to find out.

Laneia and I sat down to watch the show, alcohol on hand. About ten minutes in, we were joined by Carlytron, who you may recall from this website and my L Word recaps of yore.

Laneia: I’m in my underwear! I’m going to try to not be a bitch this week!
Riese: I’m not.
Laneia: You should drink more!

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It’s time for another round of  everyone’s favorite party game, “Please Don’t Ask Me This on Formspring!”

Today’s Question: When Did You Come Out To Your Family?

Whitney screamed, “Dad, I’m gay!” on her way out of the house on National Coming Out Day. Dad didn’t pay no mind. Perhaps he was drunk, or just happy that Whitney was leaving and wouldn’t return pregnant.

Tracy’s Mom has got it going on. (I’ve been wanting to say that for six weeks!) JK, Tracy’s Mom’s face “dropped in” and it was awful and Tracy never wants to see that face again. Luckily, she can look at her own face whenever she wants to:

When Nikki came out, Nikki’s Mom said she’d always known Nikki had a Big Lesbo Crush on her college roommate. And she was right. So. There’s the first twenty seconds of an erotic film.

It took Mikey’s grandmother five years to say the word “lesbian,” probably because of dentures.  Similarly, it took five minutes for Mikey to figure out how to lean:

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Laneia: Oh yay, a coming out question!
Riese: G-d I’d rather read Mikey’s memoir than see her on the TV.
Laneia: I am so bored.

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“Once I knew who I was, I didn’t give a fuck about what everyone else thought,” says Rose. However, her early self-realization led to very strict sleepover policies. Poor Papi.

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“I said, ‘I think I’m gay,’ and my oldest boy said, ‘I knew,” says Meredith Baxter. This episode is clearly going to be about Meredith Baxter, because it’s called Family Ties. Right? I just figured, so I thought I’d throw her in here.

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I Fell In Love With a Stripper, Bro

Rose & The Bros are at Hamburger Mary’s, discussing their recent mid-evening hotel stripper experience. Rose does some quick math: “I was sandwiched by two strippers, so that’s four breasts, and then Danielle, so two and a half breasts.”

Rose’s knowledge of social networking is quaint and elderly, while also gross.

Bro: Did you tell your other half?
Rose: No, nobody. Twit nothing. Tweet. Twat. Nothing twattered, nothing.

Got it?

Rose: [Natalie] would not be cool with it. But I did not do anything wrong, and so if it does make or break us, that’s retarded.”

Bro: “Let’s say Natalie had a night like that…”
Rose: “No.”

4.5 Breasts is What I’m Telling You, Bros. You Think Nat’s Tiny Head Could Handle This Shit?

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Laneia: My stomach hurts. I think this show is giving me an ulcer?
Riese: I wish this show gave this show an ulcer. I like her friends better than her, per ushe.
Laneia: Si.  [see what i did there?]
Riese: [si!]

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Rose would “put Natalie’s ass out for a while” if she had a hotel stripper party. Isn’t that double standards, bro? “No,” explains Rose. “I’m not double standards, I’m just saying, I’m growing up, you know.”

Okey doke.

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Family Hour

Tracy’s family stops by for hugs, smiles, and clear skin. Tracy’s two sisters have boyfriends. “It’s cute,” says Tracy, probably about something else. Amy, despite having a name that rhymes with “Stamie,” isn’t totally cool with Tracy’s gayness, maybe. It’s a bit hazy.

The Sisters are hungry and want to order food. Also they want to watch The Oscars with sound, not on mute (as one must do when a camera crew is around).  I know this from The Live Lounge interview with Tracy & Stamie, not from the episode. Yeah, I hang out there sometimes. The Live Lounge. It’s pretty chill. I dig the music.

Forget everything I just told you about what I heard in The Live Lounge, okay? Forget it. That’s not the story Ilene wants to tell.

Laneia: How cute are these people?
Riese: You’re really trying to have the glass half-full right now. It’s cute.
Laneia: How do they all have such beautiful glowy skin?

Clean But Also, Unclear

Tracy wants Mom to know about/like Stamie. The boyfriend explains that Stamie’s best shot at making a good impression on Mom is to dress really “girlie.” You know —

Or, You Could Just Take Her to a Hotel Room With Strippers

Riese: Her mom will be seduced by boobs?
Laneia: OH AMY’S THE MIDDLE CHILD. That explains it.
Riese: What’s wrong with middle children? Are they like bisexuals?

Eventually, the stench of homosexuality drives one sibling from the room.

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Riese: Maybe she’s upset about Tracy being on the show, not about her being a lesbian.
Laneia: This is all such problematic wording.
Riese: Because if I visited my brother and there were cameras there, I would be like, “What the fuck are you doing you do not want a shot at love with that girl!”

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Amy: “You guys can cuddle, it’ll be okay.”

PREACH.

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So Which of These Books Should We Read After Our Wedding?

If there are two things Jill & Nikki don’t get enough of, it’s 1) Wedding Planning, and 2) Private Time. So Nikki set up a “private dining room” at a fancy restaurant to talk about the wedding.

More importantly, Carly arrives to watch TFS (This Fucking Show) with us.

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Laneia: Where are they? The library?
Riese: Yes, they’re picnicking at the library
Carly: Wait, are they are at the Taschen store?

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Have You Considered a Large Parking Lot, Tented?

Today’s topic: the venue. Also, as they’ve developed “stronger opinions,” Jill thinks it is now necessary to call a truce and agree to never argue. Speaking of arguing, Nikki’s father refuses to ‘ride outside his comfort zone’ and therefore probs won’t ride a horse to California Vadgeville to walk her down the aisle, but that’s what Nikki WANTS DAMMIT:

Jill: “Why, because that’s tradition? If we’re gonna play by tradition, then I should be a man. Right?… this is our wedding, our union, so whatever feels best for you.”

Also, this happened:

Nikki: “When my parents got divorced I was in my 20s… and the last time I ever heard from my father was when I appeared on Oprah in 2006 … it was a show about women who figured out that they were gay after they were married… and what he said was, “I was in my house the other day and turned on Oprah and saw a beautiful woman, and I thought to myself ‘what a waste of a woman’ when I saw the subject matter. And then I realized it was you.”

Nikki has just almost moved me to tears, and they aren’t tears of boredom. Then Jill says that Nik is a wonderful loving person and bunnies fall from the sky, knocking us all unconscious.

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Man I Wish This Chick Wasn’t My Sister So I Could Bang Her

Whitney’s got one sister, Alexis, who she loves “more than anything in this world.” This furthers our vampire theory as it suggests there is “another world.” Whitney’s starving, she’s gonna eat this bottle of ketchup. Also, it’s toasty.

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Riese: “I’m starving, I’m gonna eat my words” – would be better
Laneia: It’s toasty, yet you’re still in leather?
Riese: She can’t take off that jacket. It’s like a Barbie or Mikey.
Carly: It’s how she gets her powers.

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Also This Helps. The Drinking Also Helps.

Whitney’s old strategy involved being honest but “leaving out pieces of information.” George W. did it and he got re-elected, so that probs will earn Whitney at least one more term in Romi/Tor/Sara’s pants.

Whitney: “I’m doing this thing where I’m like so brutally honest with girls… but I am so open about it, I have no secrets, you know I can’t be in a relationship, and I’m not ready, so if you want to still talk to me and deal with me in this way, then you know this.”

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Laneia: ‘Deal with me in this way’? Appropriate.
Riese: That’s not being honest? Leaving out pieces of information?
Carly: It’s being vague.
Riese: I think that’s the opposite of honesty.
Laneia: I wish we’d put ‘honest’ in the drinking game.
Carly: Whitney is to blame for the financial crisis, clearly.
Riese: We should drink every time Whitney rationalizes her behavior with a weak rationalization.

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Really, it was said best in the 1983 film The Big Chill:

Michael: “I don’t know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They’re more important than sex.”
Sam Weber: “Ah, come on. Nothing’s more important than sex.”
Michael: “Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization?”

FACEPALM! Whitney Obviously Doesn’t Know the Volturi Are Back

Whitney’s Dad had an affair and her parents got divorced. When Whitney was wee, her Dad would mack on all the soccer Moms at Whitney’s games, therefore messing her up as she attempted to head-bump some chick in the vadge. In short: she’s got issues; she got it from Dad. You remember this storyline.

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Carly: Oh it’s her DAD’S fault.
Riese: Wait, this is semi-interesting to me?
Laneia: It IS the family episode.
Carly: She’s acting very Shane today, Daddy Issues and all.

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Wink Wink

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Carly: I love when I go out to dinner in a major metropolitan area and there’s no one else out on the patio.
Riese: Me too.
Laneia: Happens all the time.
Riese: It always makes me worry that it’s about to rain.
Laneia: Rain money?
Riese: Oh yeah it might rain money for Mikey’s party. I mean EVENT

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BIG CITY HMM? BUT NOT CITY ONLY ONLY PEOPLES PEOPLES IS PEOPLES NO IS BUILDINGS IS TOMATOES HUH IS PEOPLES IS DANCING IS MUSIC IS POTATOES.

Mikey’s taking Manhattan just like the muppets! Apparently one must visit New York City to prepare for LA Fashion Week, ’cause there aren’t any writers in LA anymore to see her designers. For evidence of this, observe the grammatical accuracy of your LA friends’ Facebook wall posts.

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Riese: SHE SAID WeekEND instead of “week.” FINALLY. Thank God, I feel so much better, I feel like Mikey just came out.
Laneia: Great, now I have to down this beer.

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Like Anthropologie, But Probably Even Less Affordable

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Carly: Oh no Mikey has lesbian collar.
Riese: Why wasn’t I invited to this event?
Carly: TUCK THE SHIRT COLLAR IN, GIRL. YOU ARE IN “FASHION.”

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This is What They Do on That Real Housewives Show Right

Nat & her older sister, Leslie, are getting Nat’s nails done for Nat’s new “job” as Rose’s “assistant.” Uh-huh. Guess you wouldn’t want to let your nails get too long for that job.

Hello Nat’s Sister

So like Rose got Nat a gift card? Because she was upset and stuff. Nat says she’s like Rose’s “Baby Mama,” or like her “wife.” Also, it’s time for Rose to meet Mom because that’s what today’s episode is about.

Laneia: SISTER TIME.
Riese: Did they do Nat’s entire interview in one day? I’m upset about her blush and want a new shot/outfit.
Carly: Why didn’t they make them change outfits? That’s like the first rule of “Shooting Everything In One Day.”

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Nat: “It’s just in my nature. Out of all of my sisters, I always wanted to be married. Younger rather than older.”

I feel bad for Nat. She’s like the younger girl in love with an older guy who’s always at the Dairy Queen flirting with high school girls, and she’s like, “No he loves me, we’re getting married!” and they’re like, “Uh huh [no way].”

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Carly: Aw no one’s at Mikey’s lil party! Sad trombone.
Riese: I just feel sad for her all the time so much.

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In Mikey’s defense, McDonald’s stops serving breakfast at 10:30 so the mysterious Editors of New York City are likely on their way.

Mikey says her PR person is the best PR person ever, just like the Parking Lot Disco Ball Salesman was the best Producer of Events ever. I bet she also thinks this was the Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. and it totally was not. Mikey has lots of Editors coming on the schedule but none of them have shown up.

Why not? STOP ASKING QUESTIONS. The Question of the Episode is, “When did you come out to your family?” and the topic is “family” so we can only conclude that the Editors are probs having dinner with Mikey’s linguistically challenged grandmother.

Riese: They should’ve invited Julie and Brandy, they would’ve gone.
Laneia: Yup.
Carly: Totally they would have.
Riese: Because this event is gay and fashion. It would’ve been perfect for their blog, itsnotgayitsfashion.blogspot.com
Carly: I love that blog btw.

Mikey is Gay But Not Fashion

Mikey goes from booth to booth to check her designer’s moods. Maybe if Mikey talks loud enough, it will seem like more people are there. The Best PR Person Ever tells stressed-out Mikey not to be a “negator.”

Laneia: “Negator.” Like a raptor, but grumpier.

Wanna See My Wand? IT’S NOT AS BIG AS MY PENIS

Carly: She’s wearing her Hogwarts blazer today.
Riese: I hope she can magically make ‘editors’ appear.
Carly: Maybe she can magically make sunglasses disappear?

There’s only one thing to do in this situation. And it’s not to don the Coat of Invisibility.

It Was My Unlucky Day Today on Avenue A

Mikey: “The only thing I really know how to do in this situation is try to get everybody in a good mood so when the editors come in later this afternoon, everyone feels like they’re having a good time.”

Laneia: “The only thing I know how to do is get drunk.”
Riese: Maybe they think it’s magic juice.
Carly: “So when they come in later this afternoon everyone is passed out on the floor.”

But to Cry In Front Of You, That’s the Worst Thing I Could Do.

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Mikey: “Having a slow start is possibly the worst thing that could happen.”

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Laneia: Nope! Nope! Getting drunk in the middle of the day is the worst thing that could happen.
Riese: Yup, already happened. Done.

So basically Mikey is starting the drinking early, and most of her clients are partaking, except for one stuffy lady named Wendy. This is a commendable strategy and I hope it ends in HIJINKS! How do lesbians have sex btw STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

Carly: WHERE ARE THE DOGS? WHY IS NO ONE HOME WITH DOGS?
Riese: The dogs are with Angelica.
Laneia: Last week was dogs, this week is sisters.
Carly: Every week is dogs.
Laneia: Should be.
Carly: I am missing the dogs. I thought this show was about cute dogs living in LA? Is this not that show?
Riese: I know I thought this was “Showdog Mom and Dads.”

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Teachable Moment: Listen up, Mikey. Not everyone wants to party. Some people are v. serious about fashion. If Tyra was here, she would tell you about this time she flew to Bangladesh for an Ethiopian Fashion Week event, wearing a stick-and-berry bikini surrounded by racks of stinking bloody cowhides and her assistant only spoke French-Canadian and Naomi Campbell called someone a bitch and still, STILL, still Tyra Banks who was only 13 years old, THIRTEEN YEARS OLD, still TYRA BANKS managed to acquire editors from every major newspaper in the Eastern Bloc while smiling with her eyes and doing creative things with horse-hair and flip-flops.

In other words, she modeled through it.

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I Like You So Much I Talk to Everyone But You

Tracy and Amy are going to have brunch, which is like breakfast + lunch. Tracy’s Mom asked Amy about Stamie, which rhymes and is a good sign. That also rhymes.

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WHO’S GOING SKINNY DIPPING WITH ME?!!!

Nikki & Jill are wandering the countryfields of Los Angeles in search of a space/”estate” to host the Celebration of Love Committed for All Of Time, Even Israeli Calendar Time.

Los Angeles people, in addition to being afraid to merge, seem to be obsessed with leaving one space for another space and evaluating said space for a Purpose of the Future. It’s sort of like living in Tomorrowland, but boring, and about real estate instead of talking toys and space cars.

Nikki is obsessed with the house in Malibu. She loves it. Once you get to this level of house, really, what’s there to complain about? All I dream of in life is a small patch of farmland, a dishwasher, my friends, and goat cheese. And honsetly I’d settle, at this point, for a dishwasher.

Carly: They are like the movie It’s Complicated, which is actually about Meryl Streep’s struggle to make a larger gourmet kitchen in her mansion.

Perfect for a Home Birth

Nikki makes a good point about the value of this home: “It doesn’t even need art on the walls.”

Riese: ‘It doesn’t even need art on the walls’ right totally.
Laneia: That doesn’t even make sense.
Carly: Wait what are they doing?
Riese: That’s what I think when I’m checking to see if the shower is in the kitchen: “Does it need art on the walls?”

“The Only Thing Wrong With This House is That I Don’t Own It.” – Nikki

Carly: Are they buying a house?
Laneia: VENUE.
Riese: I think this is a wedding location. Or it’s for LA Fashion WeekEND.
Laneia: 2 ACRES WORTH OF PARKING.
Carly: Is this HGTV?
Riese: Why do they care about how nice the workout room is for a wedding?

Yes, This is Just How the Oracle Said it Would Be

This house is unbelievable. Nikki loves the floor. The indoor/outdoor. Also, Nikki has already seen the whole wedding in her mind. She saw Jill walking down the aisle with her parents. In her dress. IN THIS HOUSE.

Carly: She has special powers! she can see the future! She can see the wedding! It already happened in her mind!

This seems like the kind of house where Ryan Atwood would get a catering job and then feel awkward when Marissa shows up with Luke in expensive clothing. They should get it, def. GO TEAM.

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La da di la da da la di di la da da. Only 8 editors have come. Eight isn’t great. Carly is already suffering short-term memory loss. As Mikey degenerates, so do we.

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Riese: Are they in NYC?
Laneia: Si
Carly: What? Who?
Riese: This isn’t the Spanish part, Laneia.
Laneia: There are Spanish people in NYC.
Carly: NYC?
Laneia: Can’t you tell from THE BRIDGE?!
Carly: Who is in New York City?

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Somebody made a wrong turn on their way to the Dog Fancy convention:

Mikey knows The PR Person can’t make people appear out of nowhere. You know what Mikey needs is a good PR Person who’ll ensure ahead of time (a.k.a. “somewhere”) that people actually come… oh.

Carly: This event is like when your middle school had the holiday craft fair, and everyone wore sweaters over turtlenecks and you walked around and had to buy awful crafts.
Riese: At least you can play with the crafts though.

SEE Doesn’t This Google Image Search Result for “Craft Fair” Look Fun?

Riese: Actually though it is super awkward to be the only press at a press event.
Carly: I have been to press events like that! It’s soooo boring.
Laneia: They should’ve had a DJ.
Riese: Yeah like Carmen or Carlytron
Carly: mmhm

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I Have a Pretty Dress and Now I Fond a Pretty House and I Already Have a Pretty Girlfriend So I Am Basically Pretty Oh So Pretty

NIKKI IS OBSESSED WITH THE HOUSE IN MALIBU AND SHE JUST NEEDS TO CONVINCE JILL. Also, FYI, Nikki was diagnosed with anxiety a while back, like most of us here at Autostraddle. We’re self-medicating as we speak, in fact.

Carly: Anxiety, give me a break.
Riese: Don’t we all.
Carly: Try being water-boarded, that’s hard. Sue Sylvester would BREAK her.

Nikki doesn’t wanna be like her Dad, who channeled his anxiety into evil, so she channeled her anxiety into being a strong woman who knows a fancy house when she sees one. Also, she’s got a good girl over there. Have you noticed? Amid the insanity; Jill is like, super rational and clear-headed and intelligent, I think.

Jill: “For me, the make or break is gonna be whether or not we can afford that.”

Riese: For me, the make or break is gonna be the verdict of the Prop 8 trial.

My Mother Always Had Shiny Bangs, So Now I Also Have Shiny Bangs

Because Jill & Nikki were unable to bring La Familia to The Family Episode, they’ve resorted to psychoanalyzing every chopped-up partial sentence they emote with family history.

Laneia: I don’t think I need a background story every time they make a ‘decision’. “When I was 5 my Dad got me a veggie wrap…”
Riese: … and then he died.”

Carly: I don’t get this, to be honest. Like, I wanna marry (or “marry”) Robin, but I would never spend money on an actual wedding. A party, sure, but a wedding? Think outside the box. Just to get real for a sec.

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At this point, Mikey has no choice. She must attend a tranny dance party and have several cocktails. I quote:

Mikey: “There is nothing more interesting to me than being IN NEW YORK and going to A TRANNY CLUB.”

We have to agree ’cause that guy up there? With that Barbie doll committing suicide on his head? That man is keepsing it real. Please imagine this being read by basically a stereotype — imagine Big Gay Al reading this, is what I’m telling you.

Dollhead: “I love lesbians, they’re so nurturing. I wish I was a lesbian, it’d be so much fun. There’s no cattiness. Like there’s cunt, but no cuntyness? I love them. Lesbians are my favorite.”

Mikey’s Rule of Poker: “All I can do now at this point is just have a cocktail.”

Darling Forget About LA Fashion Week We Got Everything You Need Right Here

Carly: Wait where are they?! Tranny club?!?
Riese: Best part of the show so far
Carly: I WANT TO GO TO THERE. See, all this show needed was TRANNIES!

Mikey is lovin’ it! Mhm. Lots of drinking and dancing and over-enunciation! She’s got her mouth all pinched up like Grandma trying to say the word “lesbian”! (See that Ilene? I just brought it back around for you. Call me.)

Laneia: I am uncomfortable.
Carly: “Hi, I’m Mikey! Welcome to my downward spiral!”

Mikey says Raquel would love it because when she met Raquel, she thought Raquel was a tranny. Hahahaha! Let’s flashback!

Carly: “I never needed to see this interview again.”

It’s getting hot in here Mikey. It might be time to … WHOA BEAT ME TO IT WITH THAT BEATER, YA COUGAR!

Laneia: I will punch you for wearing that beater
Carly: Yes! No beaters!
Riese: Awwwww I like beaters on butchy girls.
Carly: Only at the beach.

Howevs, it looks like Mikey’s been up to her shoulders in a pail of tattoos:

Play that Funky Music, White Dyke

Mikey is stuffing male heads into her breasts and consuming many cocktails, inviting all the trannies to LA. If they showed up to LA Fashion Week, it’d save the show. Serious have you seen RuPaul’s Drag Race. Carly loves it. Do you see a theme here.

Lesbians. Always doing things that will make their girlfriends wanna kill them. Just like dudes!

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Carly: YAY A DOG
Riese: YAY — Oh no.

What? It’s Cleaner Than Whitney and Nobody Complains When I Eat Her

Whitney says that Tor shouldn’t eat it because it is like eating poop, because of how close the asshole is to its head.  Whitney has a monopoly on anatomy knowledge in general because of her extensive experiences with the naked triplet bodies.

Carly: Wait is she eating that? It’s alive.
Riese: Women –> dogs
Carly: Oh god.
Laneia: I’m sorry, I love Tor.
Carly: Oh my god.
Riese: Gay –> beastiality
Carly: Tor looks like she’s 12.
Laneia: Yes
Riese: Espesh with that dog in her mouth, because children like to do weird things to dogs.

Tor wants to punch Whitney in the face, or we want Tor to punch Whitney, I can’t remember.

Carly: “Tor come punch her in the face.”
Laneia: She just wiped her nose on her shirt sleeve! :-(
Carly: “I’d be glad to punch her in the face” yes! PUNCH HER DO IT TOR ! (I got the door, tor!) (Bring it on!)

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Dude I Met SO MUCH FASHION

Mikey comes home, thank g-d, drunk, raving about how she’s IN TROUBLEEEE and those were the best trannies she’s ever seen.  The assistant says, “How about we go to bed.”

The next morning, what happens? Well, here’s Mikey!

Laneia: Yeah she looks like us on Pride Day.
Riese: Yes, when we missed the parade.

But G*d DAMN is Shanna on top of her shit. It’s 7 AM and she is ready to RALLY! She’s gonna let Mikey take it easy, like the Eagles song.

Carly: “take it easy” = “sleep and puke all day” She gets too drunk too! Just like us!
Laneia: It’s so REAL.

The Devil Wears a Wifebeater and Jeans to Bed

Riese: This always happens on Top Model
Carly: Poor assistant!

But shit seems to be going much better today and the clients all really like Shanna ’cause they can see her eyeballs. No offense against blind people, who can’t read this anyhow.

Riese: This is gonna be like that girl that became Jenny. Adele.
Laneia: YES.
Carly: OH MY GOD.
Riese: Maybe Shanna poisoned Mikey.

Laneia: Ftr though, we made it to that fucking parade eventually.

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Why Are the Restaurants I Pick ALWAYS EMPTY?

Tracy & Amy are having “brunch.” Tracy’s Mom would prefer Tracy be with a man, but would settle for a soft butch or gentle jungle animal or G-D FORBID A WOMAN. Tracy & Amy speak vaguely about Tracy’s feelings about her Mom’s refusal to talk to Tracy directly about Stamie.

Tracy: “Let’s say you’re in a relationship with Blake. You love Blake. You’re head over heels for Blake right? But like Mom doesn’t approve. How long would you go worrying about how it effected Mom?”
Amy: “As long as I needed because she’s 3,000 miles away!”

You cannot trespass that distance overnight, Tray-Tray. That’s why g*d invented Facebook. Tracy wants to stop walking on eggshells, and I salute her. I think Amy’s just speaking for herself, really, because as long as Mom doesn’t accept Tracy, maybe she’s still allowed to keep a safe distance from comfort herself.

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ANI OHEVET OTCHA SO MUCH

Facebook connects us all like tiny ants in a web of antlands. For example, Nikki’s friend “reached out on Facebook” to ask about their wedding plans and HEY! HO! WHADDYA KNOW HE’S A RABBI! HE CAN MARRY THEM! At the end Nikki wishes him a good Shabbat, and they both blurt out “Shabbat Shalom” to show they haven’t forgotten when Shabbat happens. They hang up before anyone can make something up about having the Challah in the oven already.

Riese: Shabbat Shalom, fakers!
Carly: Oh jesus! They are as Jewish as I am!
Riese: Yes they are.
Carly: They had to like invent a Rabbi.
Riese: But they’re on top of the lingo.

BARUCH ATAH ADONAI I WANT MATZOH BALL SOUP

It’s a dog! He likes the Malibu house too I think.

Have I Told You Lately That I Love You

Jill points out that since The Law don’t care about their Commitment Ceremony, it’ll be nice to find a G-d who will care. That’s all that really matters, because the world is ending in 2012 either way.

I Married in the Sun

Nikki fell in love with the Malibu house. In her mind she’s writing a check for the house, and Jill is storming into Nikki’s dream with Lesbian Executive Realness. Jill wants to look at other options, I hope they do that off-camera.

Laneia: Are they yelling? About a house? A house?
Riese: The dogs are upset.

Our Mommies are Fighting

Carly: Why is she pushing so hard? THEY ARE UPSETTING THE DOGS. Come live with me, dogs.
Riese: Buddha is hurt. He wanted to be the rabbi.
Carly: Buddha tears.

Jill: “Are you in sales? What do you do for a living?”
Nikki: “Yes, I’m in sales.”

Jill says it’s supposed to be fun and if they’re gonna scream & yell it’s stupid and if it’s not fun then they shouldn’t get married ’cause you know, when the tax man comes, what’s the diff? They should just have a costume party. Buddha will come as Buddha, and I will be Lady Gaga.

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“Funny business, a woman’s career…”

Shanna has got this shit on lockdown. She’s letting chicks try on bras and everything.

Mikey has woken up and is trudging to work. She is “disappointed in herself” because nothing is more important than her clients. “Without them I would have no business,” says Mikey, at which point a passing bird squeaks THANKS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, in passing.  Luckily Mikey’s got Hangover Outfit on standby:

Funny Thing, I Was Planning on Wearing These Sunglasses Anyhow

Mikey’s clients are her NUMBER ONE PRIORITY and she will NOT LET THEM DOWN.

Laneia: Hm, not true. Cocktails seem to be pretty important.
Carly: it goes 1) clients 2) boozin’

Yawny Blow Job Face

Mikey is making up for lost time by talking with extreme enthsiasm towards everyone and giving her A+ eval of Shanna in her best PTA meeting voice on voiceover.

Carly: What is with her blazers?!
Riese: Nobody wants to talk to you.
Laneia: Blazah
Carly: Blazer-related intervention time.
Laneia: Truth.
Carly: I thought she was gonna puke on that lady. That would have been amazing television.

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#cullencollar

Whitney, Alyssa, Tor & Scarlett are going to a club that sounds like “The Cracker Club.” The girls are growing up: we got all the way to the bar without suffering through the standard bar backstory about how it’s the hottest night and all the hottest girls will be there and everybody is so hot and famous!

Riese: What’s the cracker club?
Laneia: Every club we ever go to?

Hahaha You’re Like the “Shane” right Tell me you’re like the Shaneeee!”

At some point, a number of words spoken by Whitney are tossed together into a voiceover mashup salad that sounds almost– but not quite — like an actual sentence. Something about there being some drama lately but that things have been good with TOR.

BUT WAIT? Where are Scarlett & Tor?!! Alyssa explains that it’s her fault the two may or may not be sharing a toilet seat:

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Yes, we all know what happens If You Seek Amy.

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Carly: OH SNAPS! TOR + SCARLETT 4 EVA
Riese: SCARLETT + TOR! OMG! SCARLETTOR! TORLET!
Carly: TORLETT! YES!

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Oh But We Are.
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Riese: TORELETT! I’m shipping Torlett!
Laneia: Scarlettor sounds like a dinosaur though!
Riese: I know.
Laneia: I love it.
Riese: It might be a dinosaur named Scarlettor OR a tiny pastry called Torlett.

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Option #1:

Option #2:

Let us know.

In the meantime, Edward & Alyssa have their eye on your whereabouts:

I Listen In You Should Know This

Suddenly Whitney mentions that she was already having a bad night, so really the fact that Tor & Scarlett are in the same room is no biggie. I mean she has feelings, maybe, she’ll think about them. But no blood in her body.

Last week and this week, we’ve learned an important lesson about Whitney which I believe was best said in the early ’90s on Boy Meets World by Cory Matthew, in conversation with his girlfriend Topanga, with whom he was engaging in a non-committed situation (rest assured the two eventually married):

Topanga: “We’re supposed to see other people.”
Cory:“I’m supposed to see other people, you’re supposed to wait until I die.”

But, if Whit is a vampire, as we suspect, will any of these ladies ever escape the Power of the Clam? DUM DUM DUM text your answer! Also, so far no proof that Scarlett & Tor even touched each other, so.

Carly: It’s like when Carmen and Jenny were hooking up. Except Shane was like, “Whatever, I don’t care.”
Laneia: Also: #ponytail.
Carly: Yes.

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True Life: I Like to Fight and Drive

Rose & Nat are in the car under unflattering lighting. Rose reveals that for the first few months of their relationship, Nat referred to Rose as her boyfriend Robert when she was talking to her Mom. Why, when Nat’s already got two out & proud siblings? Silly rabbit, interesting questions are not welcome here. Return to your novel.

Riese: True Life camera
Laneia: #truelifecamera

Good things they’re having dinner, ’cause Rose could “use a glass of wine.”

Riese: Rose brings gigantic bouquets everywhere.
Laneia: That’s how you show love in the Spanish community.
Riese: Si, with a giant tree. Personally I prefer edible flowers made of pineapple, just ask the Vegas.

Nat’s Mom has been sick for six months and has been in and out of the hospital. With what? Stop asking questions and go watch a French film or something.

I Saw a Stripper’s Boobs And You Don’t Know It

Nat’s sister, Leslie, came out when she was 14. Nat’s Mom stood up to her Mom when her Mom wasn’t cool with Leslie’s lesbianism, just like Spencer’s Mom on South of Nowhere that one time! Nat’s Mom RULES!

Nat’s Mom: “Too bad.This is my kid and I love my kid.”

This makes Rose miss her Mom even more, EXCEPT WE STILL DON’T FIND OUT WHY THEY’RE NOT SPEAKING.

Carly: Hahaha. Hola!
Riese: Her mom must be gay right? Y u Mama tambien, etc
Laneia: You could kill someone with those lilies.

Everyone toasts to eternal happiness and peace on Earth.

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This Stick Will Go Right Up Your Ass if You Lay a Finger on my Lady

Whitney wants to know if Scarlett is interested in Tor. Because if she is…

Whitney: “I could never control anybody and I would never block anybody from hooking up, so I have zero place…”
Scarlett: “And I have zero desire.”
Whitney: “No, that’s not true.”

Surely Whitney can see through herself, right?

Carly: Scarlett side boob!
Riese: Whitney Vampire. What if Whitney was a vampire. I think she is for real.
Carly: I think she is. We usually only see her at night
Riese: I know I wish Scarlett would turn into a wolf.

Laneia: OMG! Like Twilight for Men FOR LESBIANS.
Riese: Scarletor!
Laneia: Whitney if you bitch about Scarlett fucking Tor I will punch you.
Riese: TORLETTTTTTT
Carly: I’m on team Scarlett

We pause for a little interlude starring That Crazy Drunk Girl. You know the one:

OK OK So So I Actually Turn into a Couples Therapist When I’m Drunk BUT LOUDER

Riese: This happens to us all the time! Some crazy girl shows up and asks us questions like she knows us!
Carly: Whoa who is this girl in her backyard?
Riese: I’M SERIOUS
Carly: Hahahah this is amazing, my god, I am dying.

The girl sits down and has been listening to everything and has words of advice for Tor and Whitney, who are now sharing a Special Moment.

Riese: I feel like this happens a lot!
Carly: Yes, they just show up and start dancing!
Riese: LIKE A LOT! Yes!
Carly: I cannot stop laughing
Riese: Like who invited you? Twitter is not an invitation!
Carly: FOURSQUARE IS NOT AN INVITATION
Riese: I thought it was?
Carly: Like the fucking narrator just showed up. This is amazing.

The drunk girl has lots of questions, like “You wana fuck her?” and “Why do you have to be done with her right now?”

This is SO COOL I’M ON TV

If this was McDonald’s, this is when the manager would call the cops to make the homeless guy stop asking us for our money and leave, but alas the whole world is not McDonald’s.

Eventually they escape The Crazy Girl.

Two Girls Together Just a Little Less Alone

Back inside, Tor & Scarlett are being flirty while looking at photos, maybe of Whitney. Then! Suddenly! Tor is attracted by Whitney’s magnetic clamforce. She abandons her time with Scarlett for Whitney, who is lying on the chair sulking BUT NOT BECAUSE SHE CARES OR ANYTHING.

Riese: AUTOSTRADDLE!
Carly: OH
Riese: You guys
Laneia: Ugh

Carly: Oh god are they gonna have a threesome?
Laneia: This is so awkward.

Riese: This makes total sense, this always happens.
Laneia: I’m going to suffocate under all this awk.
Riese: The flesh is sad.

Riese: Please punch her already.
Carly: PLEASE PUNCH HER
Laneia: What the fuck is even happening
Riese: I feel like whenever you start joking about wanting to punch someone in the face, it’s over.

TIME TO TAKE THIS SHIT TO THE BEDROOM:

Carly: Oh god what does her tramp stamp say?
Riese: “GET ME OUT OF HERE.” or something in Chinese.
Carly: It’s a Sun Tzu quote in Latin.

Whitney rationalizes being into Tor now, and having feelings for her, because Tor just “put her in her place.” Take a drink for the rationalization, ladies, it is time for bed!

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The Thing Is, In New York, It’s Less Sunny, So My Sunglasses Seem Even More Out of Place

Mikey and Shanna recap the weekend, it’s riveting. Shanna says New York was a “disaster”/”letdown.” Mikey says, “Apparently sober people don’t like it when you drunk dial them like 50 times.” Live and learn, Mikester, live and learn.

It’s Never Sunny in New York City

Mikey: “This is the last time that this can happen with me. Not that I’m an alcoholic, not that I have a drinking problem, it’s just not the reality of what’s gonna happen with my business. I can’t be putting myself in a position where I’m missing work or not 100%, because I am the team leader of my business. And if I don’t feel good, I’m bringing the energy level down with my employees. I really need to be 100%”

Riese: Did someone request a Brinker International training video?
Laneia: Taylor’s a team leader. I’m a team leader. I don’t think you are a team leader.
Riese: I did not buy your inspirational audio casette.
Carly: This is not The Secret.

And then they drive off into the sunset! What will happen next time?

Riese: Oh good it ended slightly early today!
Carly: The biggest question of all is why is the Little Chicken thing sped up?
Laneia: I only watch this show so I can get to the baby chicken.

Hopefully Whitney won’t get to it first, because it’s almost time for a feeding amirite…

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