“Funny business, a woman’s career…”
Shanna has got this shit on lockdown. She’s letting chicks try on bras and everything.
Mikey has woken up and is trudging to work. She is “disappointed in herself” because nothing is more important than her clients. “Without them I would have no business,” says Mikey, at which point a passing bird squeaks THANKS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, in passing. Luckily Mikey’s got Hangover Outfit on standby:
Funny Thing, I Was Planning on Wearing These Sunglasses Anyhow
Mikey’s clients are her NUMBER ONE PRIORITY and she will NOT LET THEM DOWN.
Laneia: Hm, not true. Cocktails seem to be pretty important.
Carly: it goes 1) clients 2) boozin’
Yawny Blow Job Face
Mikey is making up for lost time by talking with extreme enthsiasm towards everyone and giving her A+ eval of Shanna in her best PTA meeting voice on voiceover.
Carly: What is with her blazers?!
Riese: Nobody wants to talk to you.
Laneia: Blazah
Carly: Blazer-related intervention time.
Laneia: Truth.
Carly: I thought she was gonna puke on that lady. That would have been amazing television.
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#cullencollar
Whitney, Alyssa, Tor & Scarlett are going to a club that sounds like “The Cracker Club.” The girls are growing up: we got all the way to the bar without suffering through the standard bar backstory about how it’s the hottest night and all the hottest girls will be there and everybody is so hot and famous!
Riese: What’s the cracker club?
Laneia: Every club we ever go to?
Hahaha You’re Like the “Shane” right Tell me you’re like the Shaneeee!”
At some point, a number of words spoken by Whitney are tossed together into a voiceover mashup salad that sounds almost– but not quite — like an actual sentence. Something about there being some drama lately but that things have been good with TOR.
BUT WAIT? Where are Scarlett & Tor?!! Alyssa explains that it’s her fault the two may or may not be sharing a toilet seat:
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Yes, we all know what happens If You Seek Amy.
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Carly: OH SNAPS! TOR + SCARLETT 4 EVA
Riese: SCARLETT + TOR! OMG! SCARLETTOR! TORLET!
Carly: TORLETT! YES!
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Oh But We Are.
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Riese: TORELETT! I’m shipping Torlett!
Laneia: Scarlettor sounds like a dinosaur though!
Riese: I know.
Laneia: I love it.
Riese: It might be a dinosaur named Scarlettor OR a tiny pastry called Torlett.
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Option #1:
Option #2:
Let us know.
In the meantime, Edward & Alyssa have their eye on your whereabouts:
I Listen In You Should Know This
Suddenly Whitney mentions that she was already having a bad night, so really the fact that Tor & Scarlett are in the same room is no biggie. I mean she has feelings, maybe, she’ll think about them. But no blood in her body.
Last week and this week, we’ve learned an important lesson about Whitney which I believe was best said in the early ’90s on Boy Meets World by Cory Matthew, in conversation with his girlfriend Topanga, with whom he was engaging in a non-committed situation (rest assured the two eventually married):
Topanga: “We’re supposed to see other people.”
Cory:“I’m supposed to see other people, you’re supposed to wait until I die.”
But, if Whit is a vampire, as we suspect, will any of these ladies ever escape the Power of the Clam? DUM DUM DUM text your answer! Also, so far no proof that Scarlett & Tor even touched each other, so.
Carly: It’s like when Carmen and Jenny were hooking up. Except Shane was like, “Whatever, I don’t care.”
Laneia: Also: #ponytail.
Carly: Yes.
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True Life: I Like to Fight and Drive
Rose & Nat are in the car under unflattering lighting. Rose reveals that for the first few months of their relationship, Nat referred to Rose as her boyfriend Robert when she was talking to her Mom. Why, when Nat’s already got two out & proud siblings? Silly rabbit, interesting questions are not welcome here. Return to your novel.
Riese: True Life camera
Laneia: #truelifecamera
Good things they’re having dinner, ’cause Rose could “use a glass of wine.”
Riese: Rose brings gigantic bouquets everywhere.
Laneia: That’s how you show love in the Spanish community.
Riese: Si, with a giant tree. Personally I prefer edible flowers made of pineapple, just ask the Vegas.
Nat’s Mom has been sick for six months and has been in and out of the hospital. With what? Stop asking questions and go watch a French film or something.
I Saw a Stripper’s Boobs And You Don’t Know It
Nat’s sister, Leslie, came out when she was 14. Nat’s Mom stood up to her Mom when her Mom wasn’t cool with Leslie’s lesbianism, just like Spencer’s Mom on South of Nowhere that one time! Nat’s Mom RULES!
Nat’s Mom: “Too bad.This is my kid and I love my kid.”
This makes Rose miss her Mom even more, EXCEPT WE STILL DON’T FIND OUT WHY THEY’RE NOT SPEAKING.
Carly: Hahaha. Hola!
Riese: Her mom must be gay right? Y u Mama tambien, etc
Laneia: You could kill someone with those lilies.
Everyone toasts to eternal happiness and peace on Earth.
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This Stick Will Go Right Up Your Ass if You Lay a Finger on my Lady
Whitney wants to know if Scarlett is interested in Tor. Because if she is…
Whitney: “I could never control anybody and I would never block anybody from hooking up, so I have zero place…”
Scarlett: “And I have zero desire.”
Whitney: “No, that’s not true.”
Surely Whitney can see through herself, right?
Carly: Scarlett side boob!
Riese: Whitney Vampire. What if Whitney was a vampire. I think she is for real.
Carly: I think she is. We usually only see her at night
Riese: I know I wish Scarlett would turn into a wolf.
Laneia: OMG! Like Twilight for Men FOR LESBIANS.
Riese: Scarletor!
Laneia: Whitney if you bitch about Scarlett fucking Tor I will punch you.
Riese: TORLETTTTTTT
Carly: I’m on team Scarlett
We pause for a little interlude starring That Crazy Drunk Girl. You know the one:
OK OK So So I Actually Turn into a Couples Therapist When I’m Drunk BUT LOUDER
Riese: This happens to us all the time! Some crazy girl shows up and asks us questions like she knows us!
Carly: Whoa who is this girl in her backyard?
Riese: I’M SERIOUS
Carly: Hahahah this is amazing, my god, I am dying.
The girl sits down and has been listening to everything and has words of advice for Tor and Whitney, who are now sharing a Special Moment.
Riese: I feel like this happens a lot!
Carly: Yes, they just show up and start dancing!
Riese: LIKE A LOT! Yes!
Carly: I cannot stop laughing
Riese: Like who invited you? Twitter is not an invitation!
Carly: FOURSQUARE IS NOT AN INVITATION
Riese: I thought it was?
Carly: Like the fucking narrator just showed up. This is amazing.
The drunk girl has lots of questions, like “You wana fuck her?” and “Why do you have to be done with her right now?”
This is SO COOL I’M ON TV
If this was McDonald’s, this is when the manager would call the cops to make the homeless guy stop asking us for our money and leave, but alas the whole world is not McDonald’s.
Eventually they escape The Crazy Girl.
Two Girls Together Just a Little Less Alone
Back inside, Tor & Scarlett are being flirty while looking at photos, maybe of Whitney. Then! Suddenly! Tor is attracted by Whitney’s magnetic clamforce. She abandons her time with Scarlett for Whitney, who is lying on the chair sulking BUT NOT BECAUSE SHE CARES OR ANYTHING.
Riese: AUTOSTRADDLE!
Carly: OH
Riese: You guys
Laneia: Ugh
Carly: Oh god are they gonna have a threesome?
Laneia: This is so awkward.
Riese: This makes total sense, this always happens.
Laneia: I’m going to suffocate under all this awk.
Riese: The flesh is sad.
Riese: Please punch her already.
Carly: PLEASE PUNCH HER
Laneia: What the fuck is even happening
Riese: I feel like whenever you start joking about wanting to punch someone in the face, it’s over.
TIME TO TAKE THIS SHIT TO THE BEDROOM:
Carly: Oh god what does her tramp stamp say?
Riese: “GET ME OUT OF HERE.” or something in Chinese.
Carly: It’s a Sun Tzu quote in Latin.
Whitney rationalizes being into Tor now, and having feelings for her, because Tor just “put her in her place.” Take a drink for the rationalization, ladies, it is time for bed!
The Thing Is, In New York, It’s Less Sunny, So My Sunglasses Seem Even More Out of Place
Mikey and Shanna recap the weekend, it’s riveting. Shanna says New York was a “disaster”/”letdown.” Mikey says, “Apparently sober people don’t like it when you drunk dial them like 50 times.” Live and learn, Mikester, live and learn.
It’s Never Sunny in New York City
Mikey: “This is the last time that this can happen with me. Not that I’m an alcoholic, not that I have a drinking problem, it’s just not the reality of what’s gonna happen with my business. I can’t be putting myself in a position where I’m missing work or not 100%, because I am the team leader of my business. And if I don’t feel good, I’m bringing the energy level down with my employees. I really need to be 100%”
Riese: Did someone request a Brinker International training video?
Laneia: Taylor’s a team leader. I’m a team leader. I don’t think you are a team leader.
Riese: I did not buy your inspirational audio casette.
Carly: This is not The Secret.
And then they drive off into the sunset! What will happen next time?
Riese: Oh good it ended slightly early today!
Carly: The biggest question of all is why is the Little Chicken thing sped up?
Laneia: I only watch this show so I can get to the baby chicken.
Hopefully Whitney won’t get to it first, because it’s almost time for a feeding amirite…
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Does anyone else view reality tv ‘stars’ as characters?
I feel weird thinking of them as actual people just because I’m getting a bit more information about them than I would reading a tabloid magazine.
most definitely, reality stars are “characters” for sure. you never get a real sense of who a person actually is watching a reality tv show, because there are producers and editors and blah blah blah. they definitely become characters, for sure.
Stacy’s mom has it going on as well.
Wow. With each recap, I realize how much of the show I miss when I watch it drunk with friends on Monday nights. Which, to be fair, is hardly a loss on my part. Still, thank you for filling my Real L Word knowledge hole with your snark week after week.
Dear Nikki’s Dad:
You’re an asshole. What a waste of a man/father/human being.
The end.
That part definitely sucked. People are ridiculous.
See now I’m curious…who would be the photographer at a Carly/Robin wedding? I wonder about these things.
Like when I watch all those cake shows on TLC/Food Network, I wonder who makes THESE people a birthday cake. Would they even want cake? Or is that like when you work at Chick-fil-A the last thing you want EVER is to eat chicken nuggets, which is just crazy because everybody knows they have the best chicken?
Robin will obvs be in charge of that, she already has people picked out actually.
and catering will be by chick-fil-a for obvious reasons.
i would move to america for chick-fil-a.
okay maybe not. but i would do lots of things for chick-fil-a.
Looking at Robin’s blog today made me want to get married so I could have her take pictures of it. You need one of those thing Hermione used in HP so that Robin can go back in time and take pictures of her own wedding. Maybe that would be too meta…
My favorite part of this recap is def the Boy Meets World reference. IT’S LIKE YOU KNOW ME.
I think this show is actually about straight people because only they could be this boring.
I’m telling you…
The Real L Word: Doggie Edition
It would be so cute!!!
i’m with Carly on this one: I thought this show was about cute dogs living in LA? Is this not that show?
also i almost jumped for joy when i got to the bottom of the first page and realized there were TWO MORE PAGES of hilarity
For me, the Real L Word has become sorta like when you slam your leg into the table next to your couch, and initially you want to cry and it’s like the worst thing that has ever happened to you, but then it dissipates or you get a little more used to it, and then eventually you don’t notice it anymore… until like 20 minutes later when you realize there is a giant welt on your leg. Anybody else? Anyway, that’s what the Real L word has become for me. I’m not screaming at my TV like I was during the pilot, but now it’s just boring and whatever.
I just need to know where the dogs are at all times, you know? There have been no fewer than like 8 unique dogs on this show and I just want to know that they’re all ok all of the time. And if they’re not they can come live with me.
I am still laughing about the random girls showing up in Whitney’s backyard and drunkenly psychoanalyzing people and situations they knew nothing about. That always happens!
I thought the girl in the Google Image Search Result for “Craft Fair” photo was Daphne Duck for a second.
re: craft fair girl = daphne
YES
AFRAID TO MERGE
<3
I wish all things I have to read could be written by Riese. ALL THE THINGS.
I saw a real life double rainbow last night, and none of the other 4 people in the car with me had heard of that video, and I felt lonely. But, I don’t feel lonely when I read AS.
Riese & Co., why don’t you guys vlog yourselves watching it? These recaps are hilarious and I think that your real-time reactions to the show would be priceless!
Also thanks for recapping, it seems to be tortuous for you but it makes my otherwise horrible day a little brighter!
I’d like to take this moment to thank Riese for painstakingly watching, writing and photo grabbing this show.
Having said that, the Fiddler on the Roof photo made me LOL IRL.
I was going to say last week about Shanna being Adele, YOU STOLE MY THOUGHTS.
I was worried there would be no Whitney superimposed hats, but then BAM, vampire getup at the end, this appeases me.
Once again I offer appreciation that you are so willing to bungee into the reality lesbian abyss for our entertainment.
the guy with BARBIE COMMITING SUICIDE ON HIS HEAD!!!!!!!!!
Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Best. recap. ever. well almost.
You have my eternal devotion.
*runs to find tip jar*
Dear Riese and co., thank you for watching this shit so you can write funny things about it for free so I can read it and love it and be happy and write really long run on sentance comments and say the word “and” a lot and be filled with joy and love for the world.
You’re the best.
sentence* D=
I kept reading Tor’s name and immediately thought of Bring It On and I was like “Oh My God, I’m too gay/old to still be using that movie as a reference” and then you guys DID two lines down and I breathed a sigh of relief.
But seriously, did anyone else have a moment of pre-teen homo realization watching Eliza Dushku in that movie?
Word! The “I got the door, Tor!” reference was so money and I want to marry you b/c of your avatar picture.
i’m so glad someone else got the “i got the door, tor” thing!!
Word indeed, Special K. All we need are 2 custom wedding dresses for six grand each and a Malibu mansion. And a pair of Nikki-style crazy eyes.
I’m gonna be honest, my #1 concern is finding a ring that will fit on your tiny finger.
Just sayin, that OC reference made my day. I’ve totally convinced myself that that house is actually the one that the Coopers lived in when Marissa’s mom was with Caleb. So now I’m gonna go watch The OC on DVD and pretend Marissa never died and not be ashamed that I own the show on DVD…
THANKS RIESE! for the recap. I look forward to having you articulate my distaste for (TFS). Plus it’s fun laughing to myself in my otherwise boring office. Shameless ego stroking…maybes:)
Tracy’s family was SO awkward. for pretty straight bitches they seemed so weird. something was up, definitely.
Funny as always. Keep it up, please!
omg yawny blow job face. i can’t even.
Holy shit, I had like 14 LOL moments. I sat in an airport terminal and read this, so that made it even more awk. I love that these recaps exist. They are the “AWESOME” to the “-slash-terrible” of the actual show. It’s like yin and yang but a lot less balanced.
torlett also sounds a lot like toilet. which is not as cute as a tiny tart.
Agreed.
I have no problem with dinosaurs, but I prefer “Torlett” because: 1) my sense of humor tends towards the scatological, and 2) I also enjoy self-deprecating humor and my (spoken) English is really weird. So, for me, Torlett=toilet mispronounced=great times all around.
This is the first episode I have seen (belated pseudo-solidarity!), and, as the credits started rolling, a single glistening tear ran down my pallid cheek because I thought: “They have watched all six of them, and they have produced recaps for each one. TOO MUCH. This show is boring and it almost never asks/answers anything interesting; watching it is not that bad, but how is it possible to generate entertaining recaps of such a fuc…I shouldn’t ask questions. I feel guilty.”
Anyways, all the recaps have brought me tremendous pleasure (I don’t even care if they’re ‘playful’ or not).
¡Gracias! ¡Perdón!
Riese: What’s wrong with middle children? Are they like bisexuals?
STORY OF MY LIFE.
I’m currently dating a boy (not man, I’m in my early twenties for g-d’s sake) and having a ton of feelings for this girl and I’m a middle child AND I’M CURRENTLY THINKING I’M BI. This is not a surprise, I’ve known I was at least half a gay since I was in second grade.
And judging by my random comment in the recap of the worst show ever with my email that I’ve had since sixth grade, one could probably tell that I am pumped full of a lot of 4 loko (college student, obvs) and feelings at this point in my life. KTHXBYE.
haha, wait what, no
“They are like the movie It’s Complicated, which is actually about Meryl Streep’s struggle to make a larger gourmet kitchen in her mansion.”
honestly this is the best thing i’ve read all week
just a question for the people who speak hebrew (riese?) – I always though it was “ani ohev otach”, why “ohevet”?
I quit learning hebrew many years ago and can hardly read it these days, but still find it fascinating – and I know how it’s said correctly, otherwise I will tell people stuff that isn’t right.
OMG I just caught the Slim Daddy reference in the excerpt.
Scarletor!
<3
really though, these recaps make my week.
This is me stroking Riese’s ego via comments. I rarely laugh out loud alone as much as I do when I read these recaps!
This recap had so many references and so many lols I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I also share Carly’s concern about the dogs.
I hope Ilene never actually makes a show about dogs. I don’t mind having lesbians make me sad, but there would undoubtedly be a Jenny or Whitney or Mikey dog character in it and I would CRY STRAIGHT FROM MY HEART.
That sequence of photos? With Mikey standing, then looking at, then leaning against the weird,holey cheese wall? LOLololoLOL. I’m never going to watch this show but I will love these recaps forevarz.
maybe mikey’s eyes shoot laser beams. maybe she’s a cyborg and she’s just organizing LA fashion weekend so that she can kill the prime minister of malaysia.
hahaha YES.
GAWD I LOVE THESE RECAPS
although strangely, they make me want to watch the show even MORE. you’d think i’d be turned off the entire concept by now…