Quiz: What Should You Do When Your Family Stresses You the F*ck Out Over the Holidays?

A swirly background in blues, oranges, and golds. The words HOLIDAYS 2022 are on torn gold paper, along with the Autostraddle logo.

Holigays 2022 // Header by Viv Le

Ah, the winter holidays. Remember when we were kids, and December felt like magic? Then the years passed and suddenly, bafflingly, we were adults. And honestly? Now, December is more often filled with weary travel, pull-out sofas, rapid Covid testing (don’t forget!), and at least one or two relatives we’re not sure we ever liked. But fear not, friends! This quiz is chock-full of coping mechanisms for this family time together. Don we now our gay apparel, for we! Can! Do! This!

You’ve just arrived home for the holidays, and honestly? You’re already:(Required)
Choose an obscenely large stock photo bathroom to hide in:(Required)
What do you hope to find in your childhood bedroom?(Required)
Choose a soothing beverage:(Required)
When you need to take a moment, breathe deep and visualize your “happy place,” it looks a little something like this:(Required)
You’ve been asked to bring something to the pre-holiday potluck. You go with:(Required)
Choose a classic game to play with your family:(Required)
While you’re home, you’ll probably meet up with your childhood friends at the:(Required)
Choose a sweet treat:(Required)
It’s been a long day, and the kids are winding it down. Time to introduce them to the inclusive animated world of:(Required)
While you’ve enjoyed this time with your family (really!), you just can’t wait to get back to:(Required)
Finally, pick a movie to watch on your phone just before bed:(Required)

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Darcy, a.k.a. Queer Girl, is your number one fan. They're a fat feminist from California who doodles hearts in the corners of their Gay Agenda. They're living through a pandemic, they're on Twitter, and they think you should drink more water! They also wanna make you laugh.

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  1. I got Take the dog for a very long walk.

    Don’t have a dog? Borrow one! Make one up! Take yourself for a walk! Just walk away! You have my permission!

    This is excellent advice! Thank you.

  2. I wish there were kids!!!! My own kids morphed into teenagers and do not want to have fun anymore unless it’s either away from their parents or 100% on their terms with no one else getting anything they want, but most often it’s both.
    The step-grandparent on one side has so thoroughly alienated his own kids that they never visit overnight – and they’re the straight ones!
    The grandparents on the other side have no other grandchildren, just the ornery anti-social teens I produced.

    So much fun!

    We enjoy what we can and then go home. Sigh…

  3. Hide in the spare room with a book! I am not surprised with that result. Luckily my family is pretty chill, I will probably just read a book in the living room with my dad who will also be reading a book.

  4. “You should distract everyone from post-dinner conflicts with a complicated board game!”

    Definitely true. For a few years we did a thing in my family where we all made quizzes for each other because we couldn’t cope with the empty nothingness otherwise

  5. “You should play with the kids! Be the fun lesbian aunt / gay uncle / queer big sibling / etc. of your dreams!”

    I do always get roped into gaming with the children as Oldest Cousin, but my back is starting to hurt bigtime. I can’t trampoline with y’all whippersnappers all day anymore!!

  6. I got play a complicated board game but my dad is gonna get way up in his ego if he loses.
    Literally can only play games he will win if we want to avoid a huff.
    I’ll try the book instead!

  7. I got take the dog for a very long walk.

    I feel that this result may be inaccurate, since the classic game to play in my family is Cards Against Humanity.

    We have played it with my grandparents.

  8. Fun fact: taking my parents’ dogs for a very.long.walk. Is my favorite family coping mechanism!
    Also I want to hide in nearly all those stock photo bathrooms but the very large windows in some of them make me very anxious. My family? They don’t just stay in one place. They constantly track people down to offer food/drinks/ask questions. You cannot hide behind massive glass windows! The aunts will find you! Or the cousins’ kids will. But even if the bathrooms were a realistic size it’s a revolving door when there’s a big family gathering so I strongly advise hiding in the attic, uncarpeted workshop portion of the basement, unheated spare room, woodshed, etc. Or if it’s not too much light and sound attempting to blend in with the teenagers playing video games is a solid strategy

  9. I should sneak off to see my childhood friends. (The non-sneaky version of this was my old strategy! I used to stay with close childhood friends and be selective about which family members to spend time with. Since family relocated, I need a new method.)

    I love that both my standard “happy place” (redwood forest) and runner-up (library) are both here.

  10. My asian ass don’t feel connected to 1/3 off this. (No gyoza or Karaage for potluck = sad, All western animation and films) But nice picture of bathrooms and nature scenes.

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