Queer Sex Coven: Stoner’s Seduction

Weed is for witches. Cannabis and the occult have an intertwined history. The Knight’s Templar, a Catholic military order who were up to enough awesome magickal shit for the Pope to burn them at the stake as heretics, are said to have used cannabis. Of course they did! So do witches now, and witches thousands of years ago who love plant medicine and don’t think it’s a bad thing to enjoy feeling high. In this edition of Queer Sex Coven, we’re going to create an aphrodisiac blend of cannabis and dried rose petals. You are going to kindly share your magickal rose spliff with the person you want to sleep with, and then you’re both going to be very turned on and have queer sex that’s so dope the Pope would execute you for it. But this spell has two parts. First, we are going to bathe our beautiful bodies in purifying salt and pretty rose petals to remind ourselves that we deserve all the love and sex. Then we’re going to dry the roses ourselves (it’s easy) before blending them with divine weed. This one goes out to all the horny stoner witches and the poor souls who love us (or will after they smoke our magick rose joints).

When is the best time to cast this spell?

Friday is the day of Venus, the goddess of love. For extra magickal power, take your salty rose bath on a Friday during the waxing or full moon. Friday is also a wonderful date night, so you can utilize this potent energy to share your magick rose spliffs with a partner. The waxing phase is associated with growth, and seduction is an act of attracting more. The full moon is known to bring out all our animal urges and instincts, so that’s a fun time to get high off weed and roses before having primal sex. The new moon is about fresh starts and beginnings and an ideal time for the bath portion of this spell. All that being said, when you’re horny and falling for someone, patience sucks. Perform this spell whenever you want to, but utilize the moon phases and the calendar if you want to be as powerful as possible or have a lot of Virgo in your chart and can’t help yourself.

What deity should I work with?

Venus is the Roman goddess of love, sex, and abundance. She wants you to be very happy, rich, well-fed, and well-fucked. Thanks to ongoing rampant homophobic, which is, unfortunately, a staple of modern society, sometimes queers can get too used to taking what we’re given rather than demanding what we want. Venus wants you to have all that you want and more. Invoke her to remember that you deserve love, sex, and money just as much as (probably more than) everyone else. Invoke Venus for this luxurious spell, or as always, skip deities and be your own god.

Step-by-step breakdown:

1. Visit your local dispensary or call your friendly local florist to obtain some weed. You may have seen or heard about aphrodisiac strains. While it certainly won’t hurt you to try them, the science surrounding cannabinoid profile and which one does what is still quite spotty. In my opinion, the best strain for sex is simply your favorite. Some of us need heavy indicas to fight anxiety; others need invigorating sativas. All cannabis can be sex witch cannabis.

2. Visit your florist in the traditional sense of the word. Buy red roses. You only need two, and roses can be expensive, but go for the dozen if you’re feeling lavish.

3. Place the red roses in a vase filled with water just like a muggle would.

4. After nightfall, draw yourself a bath. Think of your bathtub as a giant cauldron. Pour bath salts into the running water. Witches use salts to cleanse, purify, and protect. They really do these things. Bath salts help muscles relax, tension release, and toxins leave your body.

5. Bring your cannabis with you into the bath along with one rose. Light up your joint or bowl and sink deeper into the calm of the warm water. Get as high as you want.

6. Take your rose. Purify it by blowing smoke gently over the petals. There’s more to life than safe.

7. One by one, pluck off a rose petal and place them in your bath. As you do, say an affirmation of self-love, such as, “I have a great ass,” or “I’m just as good at eating pussy as I am at sucking dick.”

8. When you finish, smoke some more and enjoy feeling luxurious in your magick stoner rose bath.

9. After you get off and towel yourself off, grab the rest of the roses. Gently brush them over your body to infuse them with your powers of sex and love.

10. Dry the roses. I simply place rose petals near a sunny window, but you’re supposed to hang them upside down in a cool, dry place for two weeks to avoid mold. Are you an impulsive witch or a patient witch? Both ways are fine. Honestly, we’ve inhaled weirder things than incorrectly dried rose petals.

11. Once your rose petals are dry, crush them into fine pieces. They should be small enough to fit in a bowl with your cannabis. You can also roll a rose spliff. I find my hands most effective to crumble dried rose. Mix the crumbled rose petals into ground cannabis to create your signature seduction blend.

12. The next time the object of your desires comes over, smoke your seduction blend together. They will inhale not only the euphoric properties of cannabis but heart-opening roses infused with your sensuality. You’ll fill their lungs. Then both of you horny queers will want to bone. Muah ha ha!

Sophie Saint Thomas is a freelance writer based in Brooklyn and is originally from the U.S. Virgin Islands. High Times named her one of their “100 Women in High Places” for her writing on cannabis, and Brooklyn Magazine has named her one of their "30 Under 30's" in their annual Envy List. She has been published in GQ, Playboy, VICE, Cosmopolitan, Forbes, Allure, Glamour, Marie Claire, High Times, Nylon, Refinery29, Complex, Harper’s Bazaar, PRIDE Magazine, SELF, and more. She currently lives in Greenpoint with her two marmalade tabby cats, Mama Cat and Major Tom Cat. She has more than one David Bowie tattoo. Follow Sophie on Twitter.

Sophie has written 10 articles for us.

9 Comments

  1. I dunno if Crusaders are people we should be celebrating (+ the rumours of heresy were just a pretext that allowed King Philip IV to pressure the Pope to disband the Knights Templar cause he wanted his debt to be erased after the organization had lost its main purpose due to the end of the Crusades.)

    • Yeah, describing them as doing “awesome” stuff makes me really uncomfortable given that they were literally part of the occupation of Jerusalem during the crusades. Like, their headquarters were on the Temple Mount.

      Also feeling kind of grossed out that the reader is supposed to give someone a drug that will make them want to have sex without telling them that’s what they’re taking. Like, no informed consent for this seduction thing.

      • Don’t worry, it’s just a fun witchy way to roll a joint and share with a partner as an aphrodisiac, and can absolutely not make anyone engage in non-consensual behavior. I’m a multiple sexual assault survivor and advocate for survivors and would never, ever, ever share information that encourages anything non-consensual.

  2. Please don’t consume or bathe with flowers gotten from a floral shop, they’re not safe for human consumption at least in US with the grade of pesticides and preservatives that are used on decorative plants.

    Go to a farmer’s market were you can ask the vendors what’s safe to eat and they can answer you or shop that sells flowers for culinary purposes.

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