Queer Sex Coven: Protect Yourself From Homophobic Parents

It’s that time of year again. The straights super glued Santa hats to their heads and are proposing marriage under Christmas trees. The queers are wondering if they should spend the Winter Solstice with friends or brave going home. Even more frightening — perhaps you’re meeting your partner’s parents. Some of us are blessed with a family who loves us for exactly who we are. For others, it’s an extremely stressful time. While unfortunately, there’s no spell to end close-minded hatred, the ritual of witchcraft can make us feel a little bit better, and perhaps relieve some worries. Let’s make a candle with Saint Martha to protect ourselves from homophobic family members.

You will need:

A black candle, rainbow glitter, newspaper, sage, salt, a Saint Martha prayer card (you can print one out) or candle, love oil (coconut oil works too), a pendulum

Who is Saint Martha? And why are we working with a Catholic?

Saint Martha, the dominator, is the patron saint of service workers. She is often pictured with snakes wrapped around her, like the badass that she is. Today, in secular Paganism, many marginalized communities turn to Saint Martha, such as sex workers, queer folks, or anyone who knows what it feels like to be hated for what you are rather than who you are. Here’s a witch secret: Work within your enemy’s faith (assuming that your homophobic family members are Christian). Now, you go summoning Satan, as lovely a daddy as he is, and your candle might explode all over your room. But, if you work with a Saint, she speaks your enemy’s language. She knows how to let them know that they’re being an asshole. She can gently whisper in their ear, “Hey, it’s pretty mean of you to ignore everything your religion preaches about love and acceptance just because you’re scared of people who are different than you or remind you of your own repression.” Saint Martha has your back.

When is the best time to cast the spell?

Whenever you want to remove something, whether it’s hate directed towards you or a desire to hate-fuck your ex, use the waning moon. But it’s already December, the holidays are approaching, cast this spell right away and don’t worry about the moon, other than to say, “Hey, moon! You are beautiful. I love you in all of your phases. Don’t change a thing. Just keep on being a moon.”

Step-by-Step Breakdown:

1. Cast a circle by sprinkling salt around your working area.

2. Set up. Put newspaper down to manage any mess. Place your black candle, your glitter, your oils, your carving tools, and your Saint Martha swag in front of you.

3. Sage your black candle to remove any nasty energy it picked up before it got to you. Black absorbs negative energies and is excellent in protection work.

4. If you have a Saint Martha prayer candle, light it. If you have a prayer card, hold it up. If you don’t, read out loud the following prayer: “Oh, holiest Saint Martha, you who walked through the Mountains and were able to tame the Serpent, take care of me. I humbly ask of you to protect me from my enemies, make my soul pure, and give me eternal salvation. I will be eternally grateful.”

5. Whenever working with any Saint or Deity, I like to ask them permission first. After you read the prayer, hold up your pendulum. Horizontal swings mean yes and vertical swings mean no. Ask Saint Martha if it’s okay to invoke her. If you come to her with love, for a sincere desire to make a connection with someone else, and just need a push to help them get over their bullshit, I hope she says yes.

6. Hold the black candle in your hand. We are not fighting hate with hate. We are fighting hate with love. Pour all of your love into this candle. Tell your homophobic relative how much you want to be their friend. Tell them that they’re missing out. Tell them that you are willing to be the bigger person and forgive them for their judgment if they will give you a chance.

7. When you’re ready, slather the candle in love oil, which can be obtained online or from your local occult store. If you have it, throw a little protection oil on there as well. Coconut oil works as a love oil replacement.

8. Pour your rainbow glitter (rainbow for gay!) down the middle of your newspaper. Plop the oily candle down and roll it around until it’s covered in rainbow glitter like a femme top after Pride parade.

9. Light the candle. When it’s finished burning, your spell is complete.

I hate to say it again, but no spell can cure something as insidious as homophobia. We do magic and rituals for ourselves and to remember how perfect we are. If it works, fuck yeah. But if you think it’s best to stick with your chosen family this holiday season, then that is the right, no, perfect, decision for you. Happy holidays you beautiful queer.

Sophie Saint Thomas is a freelance writer based in Brooklyn and is originally from the U.S. Virgin Islands. High Times named her one of their “100 Women in High Places” for her writing on cannabis, and Brooklyn Magazine has named her one of their "30 Under 30's" in their annual Envy List. She has been published in GQ, Playboy, VICE, Cosmopolitan, Forbes, Allure, Glamour, Marie Claire, High Times, Nylon, Refinery29, Complex, Harper’s Bazaar, PRIDE Magazine, SELF, and more. She currently lives in Greenpoint with her two marmalade tabby cats, Mama Cat and Major Tom Cat. She has more than one David Bowie tattoo. Follow Sophie on Twitter.

Sophie has written 11 articles for us.

6 Comments

  1. Ah Saint Martha of Bethany, in some voodoo traditions Mami Wata was/is syncretized with her and it’s not just some snake she’s dominating it’s a full blown dragon babes.
    Also the name Martha itself means mistress, so go ahead invoke her when you want to feel the mistress of your own fate, feelings and dealings.
    She walked a dragon like dog mmkay.

    Brought to you by I Spent Middle School in the Library Avoiding My Peers.

    • Very interesting! I too spent many hours in the library avoiding my peers, but I usually read novels, did my homework and felt depressed.

      I do not have any homophobic relatives (thankfully) nor do I feel connected to Catholicism or the voodoo traditions, so I will not be practically applying this knowledge. I do however love learning about a lot of different traditions!

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