Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, the only show that gets a participation award just for showing up!
We last left out favorite Liars at Detective Wilden’s funeral where their attendance was both pointless and fabulous. We join the Liars a few days later at The Life Cafe. Hanna’s hair has magically grown long and no one knows where her mother is. Nothing like a missing mother to freak out a gaggle of girls.
No, but seriously, we have to talk about Hanna’s hair. I can not move on until we do. This is how it looked at the begining of the last episode:
And this is how it looked at the end of that episode:
And this is how it looked at the beginning of this episode:
Why on earth should Hanna have grown her hair out so fast? Do we think this is the patriarchy responding to everyone calling her a lesbian for her Obvious Lesbian Tendencies. Is Hanna one of those magical hair growing Barbies from the 90s? Do you guys remember those? I had one until I cut all her hair off just like I did with my other Barbies. Probably my parents should have seen this dyke thing coming.
Regardless, Spencer has taken up food sculpture in order to recreate the architecture of the lodge the night of the fire. No, seriously. I couldn’t make this shit up.
The Liars debate whether or not Alison is back from the grave and who really has ownership of the mozzarella sticks. Again, I couldn’t make this shit up.
Mona drops by and is wicked pissed that she’s still not invited to join the Baby-Sitters Club. Not even as a junior member! She decides to take them to the RV again and let them look through the whole thing on their own. Yes, even her collection of vintage erotica magazines from the 70s.
The Liars roll up to where Mona parked her RV and, surprise surprise, it’s gone. Looks like TobAy went through with his game plan from last episode and stole the RV for Red Coat (or whoever) in order to get the dirt on his mother. What a fucking dickface.
The Liars are unimpressed with the situation and try to bail. When Mona begrudgingly gets in her car, she is suddenly strangled by Alison Mask! You’d think after all these years of fucking with the Liars in their cars Mona would have learned to check the back seat before getting in. Come on, silly!
Also the stills from Mona’s choke out scene make me really uncomfortable because Janell Parrish looks more like she’s moaning than choking. Ugh, Hollywood.
I wasn’t sure if that was okay for me to point out, so I emailed the team about it. They said it was ok.
Mona tries to escape from the Alison Mask, causing Aria and Emily to run over to scope the commotion. Mona flys out of the car onto the ground and, as Aria and Emily help her up, Alison Mask whirls the car around and tries to run them the fuck over. What the hell is up with A running people over with cars? That’s not just a thing you can do!
Mona, Aria and Emily hop out of the way and fall to the ground, but not before Emily hits her shoulder. Hard. There goes her theoretical swim scholarship to Stanford!
The next morning Hanna comes downstairs dressed head to toe in the color I just painted my bedroom! We’re kindred spirits meant to be together. This is real life.
Great news though, Ashley is finally home! Ashley is evasive and awkward and probably really did kill Wilden. She’s not exactly obeying laws these days. I’m okay with that though, because I also sided with the six merry murderesses of Cook County Jail because there is something seriously wrong with me. Or maybe Ashley is just back to nailing Hanna’s father. I could do that again. That was a nice trope while it lasted!
Hanna tries to come to her mother’s boosom and get her mom to open up. Wilden is dead! How should she feel? What should they do? Are they safe? Is she a suspect? Ashley has only the kindest and most loving motherly advice:
Oh and Hanna gives her mom back her cell phone. No one is honest about what happened to it.
Over at the Hastings, Spencer gets a skinny envelope from UPenn. This is not going to be good.
She gets rejected.
I feel her. I got rejected from my top 7 undergrad college choices all in the same night. It was heartbreaking. But then I loved Brandeis and I’m sure Spencer will love Hollis when she (and the rest of the Liars) all inevitably end up there. Still, when you’re 18 and you think you’re only worth what you can perform academically, being rejected from your dream school feels like being told straight to your face that you’re a dumb piece of shit who will never amount to anything or ever get into med school.
Also, how do we know A isn’t just tricking Spencer by stealing her acceptance letter and mailing her a fake rejection letter! That’s totally right up A’s alley! A is such an ass.
Elsewhere, Aria and Hanna dish over the whole Emily’s injury and Ashley’s cell phone situation thingy. The punchline here is that Emily is hurt real bad, Ashley is hiding something and everyone still hates Mona.
The girls wonder who stole the RV and when Hanna wonders aloud if it was Shana, it turns out she’s right behind her! It’s so convenient that there are only three streets in this town.
Hanna does that thing where she marches right up to the A Suspect Of The Week and asks her point blank what the fuck is going on. It’s my favorite thing.
Hanna’s all like, “Listen bitch I know you knew Wilden and that you and Jenna are lady BFFs who dragged his ass out of the road. How the fuck do you like me now?!” It was good.
At school Paige has a fresh new plaid shirt and a computer to boot! She should be interning for this website I know of called Autostraddle.com.
She’s using what I am 99.99% sure is Sims 3 to virtually make a Stanford dorm room for her and Emily!
One time I came home and my two friends who are dating had spent the whole day playing Sims and making themselves and their dream home. I didn’t judge them until I saw that they’d made their last name “Lurv.” As in “love” said like you’re a fucking idiot. They were fantasy U-Hauling, which is almost as bad as actually U-Hauling. Almost. What I’m trying to say is that I am judging the shit out of Paige right now.
Emily identifies Paige as a crazy U-Hauler, but also doesn’t really care. I feel like Pretty Little Liars hired actual lesbians to consult on the writing of this scene. Like, someone on the inside deserves a high five.
Like I said, Paige is in fantasy U-Haul Land and Emily hasn’t even talked to the swim coach yet. Still, besides the obvious plot hole that you can’t paint a dorm room, it’s cute and adorable. I love my teenage TV lezzies.
Paige: Be honest, what would you change?
Emily: Well I would push the beds closer together so we can scissor and not be a married couple from Nick at Night.
Paige reaches over to sly grab Emily’s boob and touches her shoulder. Emily writhes in pain because the electricity is just too hot between them. You know, and because she hurt the shit out of it and now she will never be a teen model or get into med school.
Paige is concerned about this.
Back at the Hastings’ Spencer is still sort of losing her shit. She throws on her favorite horse sweater. Maybe a little sexy schoolgirl librarian chic will help her to feel better. Maybe it’s this baseline level of freaked out that allows her to finally recognize that TobAy is acting like a fucking sketchball again. He’s a bad dude!
Anyways hopefully TobAy and his stupid caveman face is gone for good.
In school, Spencer, Aria, Emily and Hanna watch as Mona panics and Ezra does that thing where he only teaches the very end of a class. Class ends and everyone but Spencer heads out to lunch. Even Mona, who acts like she was invited. It was a good moment.
Ezra asks Spencer if everything is okay and though at first she says yes, she admits to him a minute later that she didn’t get in to UPenn.
I sort of loved it because we get to see Ezra’s attempts at being a person/teacher. He’s pretty okay at it! I appreciate that he seems to get that students like Spencer don’t need someone to tell them they were being unrealistic or that they should have thought ahead. They don’t even need someone to completely just pity them. Ezra tells Spencer they’ll work on her essay over the weekend. It’s really sort of sweet.
We also get to see vulnerable Spencer crying over something other than boys. I wish Taylor Swift would write a song about this. You know, if she wrote music about women’s intellect.
In Cell Phone Land, Hanna and Emily chat about Emily’s shoulder and Paige. FYI the shoulder is still bad and Paige still doesn’t know anything. I get that the Liars aren’t sitting in my living room watching this show and thus they need to be caught up, but I wish they would do it off camera because all of the self-recapping is getting a bit repetitive.
While on the phone Emily and Hanna each make a discovery. Hanna finds her mother’s fancy pants high heels under the sink covered in mud.
Emily finds some painkillers in the bathroom. Ughhh. This is not going to end welllll. Didn’t we already do the Emily gets busted for drugs plot? Didn’t that already happen?
Starsweep to the Rosewood dojo where Aria is hunting down Holden. Remember him? Aria’s fake boyfriend who we thought was gay but then he was just into street fighting or something? Aria’s looking to take some self-defense classes, and fast. Smart cookie. Holden’s not in, but some other guy who teaches classe is. In my professional lesbian opinion, he’s tall, conventionally all-American good looking and age inappropriate. He’s perfect for Aria. Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to have a name.
Back in Hanna’s dreamland of candy and flowers, Ashley’s home and being all domestic. Hanna’s trying to write a book report, because she’s in 5th grade, but still takes the time to ask Ashley what the fuck is going on with her muddy high heels. Ashley’s still not speaking.
The next day Hanna gets sucked into Stepford Wife Jessica’s Haunted House Of Gardening Doom. How is it that there is endless work to be done on this house? All Jason ever did was work on the house, too. You’d think it would be completely perfect by now. I mean, it’s not like it was abandoned. Also, and maybe this should have occurred to me last week, where the hell is Alison’s dad? I’m fairly certain her parents weren’t divorced last time I checked.
Hanna hears Ali off in the distance.
Hanna asks what that noise was and Jessica rolls her eyes. She takes Hanna to the porch and introduces her to Robot Alison! Yes, a fully functional cyborg-Alison, which has been stalking the Liars for months, praying on their deepest fears and most ashamed secrets. Just kidding, it’s a parrot that Alison spent a lot of time with. But probably a bird that will reveal at least one of Ali’s secrets.