Welcome to the first episode of the fourth season of Pretty Little Liars, a spooky one hour drama/sometimes comedy about four hot girls with shiny hair, the hottest and shiniest of whom is a raging lesbotron, who band together against an omnipresent evil girl who also is really hot and has shiny hair. No, really. That’s what this show is actually about.
Just in case you no longer have any idea where the Liars stand with their various hook-ups, dates and general smoochy shenanigans, Intern Grace has made you this amazing infographic a la The Chart.
We open on Rosewood a dark and storming evening exactly where we left off. As you may remember, the girls had just received a text message informing them tha– Shit. You know what? You should probably just reread the season finale recap to refresh your memory because that shit was complicated. The punchline is the Liars were just opening the trunk of Wilden’s car, fresh from the bottom of Rosewood Town Lake and Crime Cover-Up Emporium. They all had gasped and the season ended.
So what is in that trunk? Is it, finally, TobAy’s dead body? Is it’s Alison? Alison’s twin? Maya? Maya’s twin? Is it a cohesive longterm lesbian plot line? Nope! It’s none of those things.
It’s a pig.
While A definitely has a thing for pigs, this was a real cop-out if you ask me. DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!
While the Liars stare at the dead pig, MonA pops into action hacker style. Remember how that laptop in Wilden’s car had video of Hanna’s mom running over Wilden looping continuously like a Vine? Well MonA knows how to do everything ever with computers and she takes the whole damn thing apart and pulls out the hard drive or something. Nice work MonA. Not that, like, a hammer wouldn’t have done the job or anything.
MonA tells Hanna she’s doing it to save Ashley which is nice except Ashley probably should go to jail at this point. She’s broken basically every federal and state law on the books. But she hasn’t murdered anyone and I guess that’s the only law that anyone in Rosewood cares about.
The Liars return home to paint their toe nails and cry alone on the dark. No wait, that’s what I’m doing. They’re watching the news and panicking. I mean I do that too but not at this very moment. MonA’s like, “Chill the fuck out everyone I’m A and I know the police don’t give a flying fuck about women.”
Fortunately MonA finally start talking and we learn some shit! We actually learn some shit! Which leads me to my newest segment Shit We Learned This Episode in which I keep a running tally on all the things we’ve learned in each episode so that my brain doesn’t explode down through my cribriform plate and ooze out my nose.
Shit We Learned This Episode:
1. Mona put Wilden’s car in Hanna’s garage. (Not a metaphor for hetero sex, actual car, actual garage)
2. Shana knew Jenna from Before The Show because she wanted to fingerblast her
3. Cece visited Mona in Radley but MonA thought she was Ali because MonA was still cray
4. Lucas gave Emily the creep-o massage in Season One
5. TobAy has been on the A team since the hundredth time he left town whenever the fuck that was
6. MonA didn’t push Ian off the bell tower
Exhausted from hours of nailing — I mean grilling — MonA the Liars awake the way they always do: fully clothed, sleeping tandem on couches with blanket magically strewn over them.
The Liars think MonA has abandoned them but then TADA actually she just hit up Starbucks for some coffee and scones for the girlies. Nothing says “Sorry bitches” like scones. How did she get to Starbucks? Well like most lesbians, she has a set of Emily’s car keys. No, seriously. MonA hands everyone their regular drink orders and breakfast. Because obviously she knows how they take their coffee.
Shit We Learned This Episode:
7. Mona has keys to Emily’s car
At this point I just think this is hilarious. MonA is so effing nonchalant about the level to which she’s invaded the Liar’s lives. It’s like she can’t even register that this is weird anymore. Like when after three weeks your new girlfriend shows up with the fabric softener you like but never mentioned to her. You want to be flattered but it’s just too weird.
Hanna wants The Chip aka the computer hard drive possessing the video of her mother recklessly committing a crime, but MonA won’t budge. Unlike the Liars she took eight college semesters of CompSci classes and is a motherfucking cyborg super genius. MonA’s going to use the hard drive to figure out who Red Coat is, end this plot line and the remainder of the show will just be Emily and Paige playing with each other’s hair. What the fuck could the Liars even do with this hard drive? Spencer could use it to back up her school folders, Hanna could bedazzle it and Emily… well… at this point Emily would probably just punch it and then run off to finger blast Paige on poorly lit window seat.
The Liars agree the MonA’s probably in the best position to deal with the hard drive (although it would look pretty cute with rhinestones) but only if MonA takes them to the A-Mobile and shows them everything she has on them. Maybe we’ll get to see all the Liars’ dirty little secrets even we don’t know about! I hope we get to see what kind of porn Spencer watches!
The Liars hop in the car and zip downtown where traffic is super backed up. No, it’s not 5pm on I-95 between Providence and Boston, it’s Wilden’s dead fucking body!
Yup, Wilden is real real dead. We know it’s him because someone sucks balls and his job and let the sheet covering him fly off. Seriously whoever is in charge of dead bodies in Rosewood should get fired.
Shit We Learned This Episode:
8. Wilden is dead
FYI now the opening credits roll. We have a big episode ahead of us.
Starsweep across town where TobAy wakes up by the burned down building with a lighter in his hands. I hate his stupid face but I have to talk about this scene because TobAy sees a firefighter pick up a red coat.
Starsweep back to the Liars where they picking through MonA’s A-Mobile.
I love the A-Mobile because probably a filing cabinet full of documents would suffice but, of course, MonA has to have everything pasted on the walls like a creep. Plus the Liars get to have these horrified reactions while MonA just stands there like “What are you gonna do about it?” I feel like MonA is going to grow up, cut her hair and become a really hot butch lezzie top.
Oh and we learn more shit!
Shit We Learned This Episode:
9. MonA was the one posing as Caleb in the A-Train
10. The Queen of Hearts was Wilden and (possibly) Melissa who wanted to kill Garett before he spilled the beans
11. Wilden and Melissa were the ones who put Aria and Garret in the A-Train box
Of course, before we can find out anymore, someone hacks in and deletes all of MonA’s files. You would think this would be impossible without an internet connection. Actually I have no idea. I don’t really understand how the internet works.
Either way the Liars hear some ruckus outside the A-Mobile and peek out to see what’s up. There’s some little girl outside calling for Alison. Actually it’s five little girls. There’s a blonde one, a preppy one, a goth one, a nerdy one and one wearing a strap on and holding a gift card for Home Depot. Holy shit they’re Baby-Liars! Is this shit about to go sci-fi? Because I specifically requested to be informed if this shit goes sci-fi.
Actually, I knew that there were going to be some mini-Liars because the actresses couldn’t stop themselves from obsessively posting pics of their mini-mes.
Regardless, the most important take-aways here are that I’m buying a leather jacket for any and all future children I might have/know and that mini-MonA style is seriously dapper butch. I’m telling you guys: future top.
The next day or something Hanna and Emily hang out in Emily’s room. Hanna finishes up a really lesbosexy phone sex session, we assume with Hanna’s fulltime lesbian lover Caleb. Caleb actually doesn’t appear in this episode possibly because he’s at Bonnaroo, but actually because he’s moving to the spin-off town of Ravenswood. Either way, Emily is shocked to discover that Hanna was actually SnapChatting with MonA who needs a lift back to the A-Mobile. Funny that a girl who’s so smart hasn’t figure out a way to scam herself a car yet.
Either way, Emily isn’t convinced MonA isn’t still trying to fuck with them. I mean, maybe MonA’s doing it even though she knows she shouldn’t. Like how you know you shouldn’t keep sleeping with your ex but that doesn’t mean you actually stop. It just means you tell everyone you know that you’re going to stop and then keep doing it. It’s like that. I think.
Pam swings by because apparently she still lives in Rosewood. She needs help with her new charity project gift baskets for gift baskets in which you make gift baskets and donate them to other charities which make gift baskets for charity. It’s a whole thing.
Actually, this particular gift basket isn’t actually for the hilarious charity I just made up, but rather for Jessica DiLaurentis, Alison’s mom, who just moved back to the neighborhood. Um, someone needs to tell these people to get the fuck out of town before they all die.
Starsweep to the burned down building where TobAy is still crouching in the rubble. He looks like Golem. I hate his face. I think he reminds me of every guy who ever dated a pretty, smart wonderful girl with hair that smelled like sunshine and treated her like shit.
TobAy and Spencer walk about the building looking for the red coat. Spencer postulates to TobAy that perhaps Ali really did save them. Maybe she’s perfect and alive and her hair also smells like sunshine. Maybe she and Spencer can finally go on that cross country road trip or ship off to college hand-in-hand or start that farm they were always talking about or do whatever it is that Ali promised Spencer they would do together. It just seems like that’s how Ali kept her friends on the hook. With the idea that there is some bright big beautiful tomorrow that she had planned for them. I say this because when Spencer suggests that Ali might really be alive she sounds so hopeful that I almost want to cry big ALIgator tears. (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? I’m on a pun roll today). I think I forget some times that the whole premise of this show is that these girls have lost their best friend. Even if she was the fetching worst.
TobAy kills that dream though, but reminding Spencer that Ali is really really totally dead. Then they think they hear something and rush out of the building.
Back in cul de sac, Emily pops over to say hello to Jessica DiLaurentis who has taken to dressing exactly like me. She looks like she’s thrown ever last article of Chico’s clothing out of her closet and bought a fresh new wardrobe of Ann Taylor Loft attire. What I mean to say is, damn Jessica, you are looking good.
Is this actually the same actress as before?
Inside, it becomes apparent that Jessica plans to put Alison’s bedroom back exactly the way it was before she died.
Cellphone sweep (which is what I’m calling it now when the Liar we’re watching chats on the phone with another Liar and then we stay with Liar #2 after they hang up) to Hanna who’s finally arrived to the Middle of Nowhere where Mona is locking up the A-Mobile. It’s dark and creepy and if feels like Hanna will probably get hit in the head with a shovel at any minute.
Instead, Hanna and Mona have a super lesbionic moment in which they’re both sort of happy/sad about how they used to be besties and now are spending time together again.
I wish they would just get over it already, proclaim their love, bone, UHaul and buy a cat together and name it Caleb #2.
Starsweep the the Life Cafe where Aria is pretending to read existential books basically just to look cool. Just then, Ezra walks in and orders a cappuccino. I assume also basically just to look cool. You might be tempted to think, “Oh wow their first run-in in months this is so awkward,” but remember that actually in Liar Time they broke up literally like three days ago. Why the two of them would both show up at a place where the other frequents is really just asking for it.
The two do the awkward post-breakup chat which is made more awkward when Ezra announces he will yet again be teaching at Rosewood. Seriously Pretty Little Liars, get some new material. Ezra tells Aria to see other people, because nothing says “I’ve moved on” like telling your ex to move on. Remember, it’s been like three days.