Welcome to the first episode of the fourth season of Pretty Little Liars, a spooky one hour drama/sometimes comedy about four hot girls with shiny hair, the hottest and shiniest of whom is a raging lesbotron, who band together against an omnipresent evil girl who also is really hot and has shiny hair. No, really. That’s what this show is actually about.
IN WHICH HANNA AND EMILY TEACH US ALL HOW TO FIST
Just in case you no longer have any idea where the Liars stand with their various hook-ups, dates and general smoochy shenanigans, Intern Grace has made you this amazing infographic a la The Chart.
spit chain
We open on Rosewood a dark and storming evening exactly where we left off. As you may remember, the girls had just received a text message informing them tha– Shit. You know what? You should probably just reread the season finale recap to refresh your memory because that shit was complicated. The punchline is the Liars were just opening the trunk of Wilden’s car, fresh from the bottom of Rosewood Town Lake and Crime Cover-Up Emporium. They all had gasped and the season ended.
ONE FOREHEAD TO RULE THEM ALL
So what is in that trunk? Is it, finally, TobAy’s dead body? Is it’s Alison? Alison’s twin? Maya? Maya’s twin? Is it a cohesive longterm lesbian plot line? Nope! It’s none of those things.
It’s a pig.
AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT “WHO THE FUCK IS A?!”
While A definitely has a thing for pigs, this was a real cop-out if you ask me. DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!
IS NOW A VEGAN. IF SHE WASN’T ALREADY.
While the Liars stare at the dead pig, MonA pops into action hacker style. Remember how that laptop in Wilden’s car had video of Hanna’s mom running over Wilden looping continuously like a Vine? Well MonA knows how to do everything ever with computers and she takes the whole damn thing apart and pulls out the hard drive or something. Nice work MonA. Not that, like, a hammer wouldn’t have done the job or anything.
THIS IS THE CRASH PAD.
MonA tells Hanna she’s doing it to save Ashley which is nice except Ashley probably should go to jail at this point. She’s broken basically every federal and state law on the books. But she hasn’t murdered anyone and I guess that’s the only law that anyone in Rosewood cares about.
NOW KISS.
The Liars return home to paint their toe nails and cry alone on the dark. No wait, that’s what I’m doing. They’re watching the news and panicking. I mean I do that too but not at this very moment. MonA’s like, “Chill the fuck out everyone I’m A and I know the police don’t give a flying fuck about women.”
THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF ARIA’S “SNOOPING HAT.”
RE: OBAMA AND THE NSA
OR CRAPPING THE BEAT OUT OF YOU, WHICH FOR THE RECORD IS LESS PAINFUL BUT GENERALLY GROSSER.
NOW YOU’RE AN ARM WRESTLING CHAMPION!
Fortunately MonA finally start talking and we learn some shit! We actually learn some shit! Which leads me to my newest segment Shit We Learned This Episode in which I keep a running tally on all the things we’ve learned in each episode so that my brain doesn’t explode down through my cribriform plate and ooze out my nose.
Shit We Learned This Episode:
1. Mona put Wilden’s car in Hanna’s garage. (Not a metaphor for hetero sex, actual car, actual garage)
2. Shana knew Jenna from Before The Show because she wanted to fingerblast her
3. Cece visited Mona in Radley but MonA thought she was Ali because MonA was still cray
4. Lucas gave Emily the creep-o massage in Season One
5. TobAy has been on the A team since the hundredth time he left town whenever the fuck that was
6. MonA didn’t push Ian off the bell tower
#MONANNA
Exhausted from hours of nailing — I mean grilling — MonA the Liars awake the way they always do: fully clothed, sleeping tandem on couches with blanket magically strewn over them.
ARE YOU SURE THAT’S WHERE YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR FOOT?
The Liars think MonA has abandoned them but then TADA actually she just hit up Starbucks for some coffee and scones for the girlies. Nothing says “Sorry bitches” like scones. How did she get to Starbucks? Well like most lesbians, she has a set of Emily’s car keys. No, seriously. MonA hands everyone their regular drink orders and breakfast. Because obviously she knows how they take their coffee.
THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES, I BOUGHT COFFEE AND PREGNANCY TESTS FOR EVERYONE.
Shit We Learned This Episode:
7. Mona has keys to Emily’s car
At this point I just think this is hilarious. MonA is so effing nonchalant about the level to which she’s invaded the Liar’s lives. It’s like she can’t even register that this is weird anymore. Like when after three weeks your new girlfriend shows up with the fabric softener you like but never mentioned to her. You want to be flattered but it’s just too weird.
HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS SEVENTH GENERATION?!
Hanna wants The Chip aka the computer hard drive possessing the video of her mother recklessly committing a crime, but MonA won’t budge. Unlike the Liars she took eight college semesters of CompSci classes and is a motherfucking cyborg super genius. MonA’s going to use the hard drive to figure out who Red Coat is, end this plot line and the remainder of the show will just be Emily and Paige playing with each other’s hair. What the fuck could the Liars even do with this hard drive? Spencer could use it to back up her school folders, Hanna could bedazzle it and Emily… well… at this point Emily would probably just punch it and then run off to finger blast Paige on poorly lit window seat.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU TURNED DOWN A FREE RODEOH FROM BABELAND?! YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN THAT TO US!
The Liars agree the MonA’s probably in the best position to deal with the hard drive (although it would look pretty cute with rhinestones) but only if MonA takes them to the A-Mobile and shows them everything she has on them. Maybe we’ll get to see all the Liars’ dirty little secrets even we don’t know about! I hope we get to see what kind of porn Spencer watches!
IT’S WATERSPORTS.
The Liars hop in the car and zip downtown where traffic is super backed up. No, it’s not 5pm on I-95 between Providence and Boston, it’s Wilden’s dead fucking body!
IS EITHER A DIFFERENT ACTOR OR I SERIOUSLY CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHITE GUYS’ FACES.
Yup, Wilden is real real dead. We know it’s him because someone sucks balls and his job and let the sheet covering him fly off. Seriously whoever is in charge of dead bodies in Rosewood should get fired.
Shit We Learned This Episode:
8. Wilden is dead
FYI now the opening credits roll. We have a big episode ahead of us.
OH CRAP. THIS RECAP IS GOING TO TAKE FOREVER.
Starsweep across town where TobAy wakes up by the burned down building with a lighter in his hands. I hate his stupid face but I have to talk about this scene because TobAy sees a firefighter pick up a red coat.
POOPING IN THE WOODS.
THERE’S A 50% CHANCE RED COAT IS NAKED RIGHT NOW.
Starsweep back to the Liars where they picking through MonA’s A-Mobile.
IN WHICH ONLY ARIA TAKES THE TIME TO NOTICE THAT CREEPY FUCKING ALISON EYES WINDOW.
I love the A-Mobile because probably a filing cabinet full of documents would suffice but, of course, MonA has to have everything pasted on the walls like a creep. Plus the Liars get to have these horrified reactions while MonA just stands there like “What are you gonna do about it?” I feel like MonA is going to grow up, cut her hair and become a really hot butch lezzie top.
THIS IS GOING TO HURT A LITTLE BUT I’M DOING IT BECAUSE I KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO LIKE IT.
YOUR SAFE WORD IS “RED COAT.”
Oh and we learn more shit!
Shit We Learned This Episode:
9. MonA was the one posing as Caleb in the A-Train
10. The Queen of Hearts was Wilden and (possibly) Melissa who wanted to kill Garett before he spilled the beans
11. Wilden and Melissa were the ones who put Aria and Garret in the A-Train box
Of course, before we can find out anymore, someone hacks in and deletes all of MonA’s files. You would think this would be impossible without an internet connection. Actually I have no idea. I don’t really understand how the internet works.
FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS RECAP I’LL ASSUME THOSE ARE LESBIAN KISSES
Either way the Liars hear some ruckus outside the A-Mobile and peek out to see what’s up. There’s some little girl outside calling for Alison. Actually it’s five little girls. There’s a blonde one, a preppy one, a goth one, a nerdy one and one wearing a strap on and holding a gift card for Home Depot. Holy shit they’re Baby-Liars! Is this shit about to go sci-fi? Because I specifically requested to be informed if this shit goes sci-fi.
MY MOTHER ALWAYS TOLD ME THOSE “JUST LIKE ME” DOLLS WERE FUCKING CREEPY.
Actually, I knew that there were going to be some mini-Liars because the actresses couldn’t stop themselves from obsessively posting pics of their mini-mes.
TWO IS COMPANY, THREE IS A MARKETING SCHEME.
Regardless, the most important take-aways here are that I’m buying a leather jacket for any and all future children I might have/know and that mini-MonA style is seriously dapper butch. I’m telling you guys: future top.
The next day or something Hanna and Emily hang out in Emily’s room. Hanna finishes up a really lesbosexy phone sex session, we assume with Hanna’s fulltime lesbian lover Caleb. Caleb actually doesn’t appear in this episode possibly because he’s at Bonnaroo, but actually because he’s moving to the spin-off town of Ravenswood. Either way, Emily is shocked to discover that Hanna was actually SnapChatting with MonA who needs a lift back to the A-Mobile. Funny that a girl who’s so smart hasn’t figure out a way to scam herself a car yet.
NO YOU SEND ME A PICTURE FIRST AND THEN I’LL SEND YOU ONE BACK. BUSH FOR BUSH.
Either way, Emily isn’t convinced MonA isn’t still trying to fuck with them. I mean, maybe MonA’s doing it even though she knows she shouldn’t. Like how you know you shouldn’t keep sleeping with your ex but that doesn’t mean you actually stop. It just means you tell everyone you know that you’re going to stop and then keep doing it. It’s like that. I think.
OH YEAH. THERE’S THE SPOT.
Pam swings by because apparently she still lives in Rosewood. She needs help with her new charity project gift baskets for gift baskets in which you make gift baskets and donate them to other charities which make gift baskets for charity. It’s a whole thing.
EMILY THIS CRAZY GIFT BASKET CAME FOR YOU IN THE MAIL. DID YOU ORDER SOMETHING FROM A PLACE CALLED “BABELAND?”
Actually, this particular gift basket isn’t actually for the hilarious charity I just made up, but rather for Jessica DiLaurentis, Alison’s mom, who just moved back to the neighborhood. Um, someone needs to tell these people to get the fuck out of town before they all die.
IT’S GOT THE FUNNIEST STUFF IN IT. I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU NEEDED SO MANY BACK MASSAGERS OR CLOTHES PINS.
Starsweep to the burned down building where TobAy is still crouching in the rubble. He looks like Golem. I hate his face. I think he reminds me of every guy who ever dated a pretty, smart wonderful girl with hair that smelled like sunshine and treated her like shit.
POOPING IN THE RUBBLE.
TobAy and Spencer walk about the building looking for the red coat. Spencer postulates to TobAy that perhaps Ali really did save them. Maybe she’s perfect and alive and her hair also smells like sunshine. Maybe she and Spencer can finally go on that cross country road trip or ship off to college hand-in-hand or start that farm they were always talking about or do whatever it is that Ali promised Spencer they would do together. It just seems like that’s how Ali kept her friends on the hook. With the idea that there is some bright big beautiful tomorrow that she had planned for them. I say this because when Spencer suggests that Ali might really be alive she sounds so hopeful that I almost want to cry big ALIgator tears. (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? I’m on a pun roll today). I think I forget some times that the whole premise of this show is that these girls have lost their best friend. Even if she was the fetching worst.
MAN I HAVEN’T FELT THIS GOOD SINCE MY LAST NIGHT WITH ALI.
TobAy kills that dream though, but reminding Spencer that Ali is really really totally dead. Then they think they hear something and rush out of the building.
PRETTY LITTLE LIARS: WHERE ONLY THE ANTLERS SURVIVE.
Back in cul de sac, Emily pops over to say hello to Jessica DiLaurentis who has taken to dressing exactly like me. She looks like she’s thrown ever last article of Chico’s clothing out of her closet and bought a fresh new wardrobe of Ann Taylor Loft attire. What I mean to say is, damn Jessica, you are looking good.
EMILY! I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE! I WANTED YOU TO BE THE FIRST TO SEE MY NEW LESBIAN TOMBOY CHIC LOOK!
Is this actually the same actress as before?
Inside, it becomes apparent that Jessica plans to put Alison’s bedroom back exactly the way it was before she died.
OH BY THE WAY EMILY, I’M GOING TO NEED YOU TO POSE FOR A FEW NUDE PHOTOS IN HERE. JUST FOR ACCURACY. DOES PAIGE OWN A BLONDE WIG?
Cellphone sweep (which is what I’m calling it now when the Liar we’re watching chats on the phone with another Liar and then we stay with Liar #2 after they hang up) to Hanna who’s finally arrived to the Middle of Nowhere where Mona is locking up the A-Mobile. It’s dark and creepy and if feels like Hanna will probably get hit in the head with a shovel at any minute.
IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW, THIS IS A TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE OF HOW TO SHOW OFF YOUR ASS IN SPANDEX.
Instead, Hanna and Mona have a super lesbionic moment in which they’re both sort of happy/sad about how they used to be besties and now are spending time together again.
BUT I’M FULLY PREPARED TO CHANGE MY LAST NAME TO MARIN.
I wish they would just get over it already, proclaim their love, bone, UHaul and buy a cat together and name it Caleb #2.
I THINK THIS PICTURE SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.
Starsweep the the Life Cafe where Aria is pretending to read existential books basically just to look cool. Just then, Ezra walks in and orders a cappuccino. I assume also basically just to look cool. You might be tempted to think, “Oh wow their first run-in in months this is so awkward,” but remember that actually in Liar Time they broke up literally like three days ago. Why the two of them would both show up at a place where the other frequents is really just asking for it.
ONE ON THE OUTSIDE ONE ON THE INSIDE.
The two do the awkward post-breakup chat which is made more awkward when Ezra announces he will yet again be teaching at Rosewood. Seriously Pretty Little Liars, get some new material. Ezra tells Aria to see other people, because nothing says “I’ve moved on” like telling your ex to move on. Remember, it’s been like three days.
THE LAST SCENE OF ARIA’S SCHOOLGIRL PORN
Elsewhere, Spencer pores over the report surrounding Wilden’s death. As you might expect he was killed between 10pm and midnight in once place and found somewhere else. The Rosewood Special. TobAy tries to be cute for those of us who still aren’t convinced he’s not evil.
IN WHICH LITERALLY ANYTHING IS MORE INTERESTING THAN WHATEVER TOBY IS DOING.
While Spencer is distracted, TobAy receives a text from A.
I WONDER IF A EVER GETS FUCKED BY AUTO-CORRECT.
At school, Emily’s hair is shiny and perfect and Aria is still mourning the loss of Fitz. She wonders if it’s true that it takes a year to get over someone. I’ve never heard that. I’ve always played by a week for every month for relationships under a year and 2 weeks for every month for relationships over a year. Either way it definitely takes more than three days. Alternatively you could just figure out how to get over someone quickly by reading this sweet wikihow I found!
SOMETIMES WE ALSO CALL IT A SEX PARTY. IT DEPENDS.
Just then, the principal busts Aria googly-eyeing Ezra. BUSTED. Funny that no one saw them the hundreds of times they “stole kisses” in the school and suddenly staring is something to worry about.
I KNEW THERE WERE TEEN LESBIANS AT THIS SCHOOL!
Inside, Hanna walks into school wearing what can only politely be described as a high fashion sweatband. She confronts MonA, who’s apparently is starting a French army, about all the freaky nightmares she’s having.
THE BEGINNING OF A CABLE SOFTCORE PORN ENTITLED “WORKOUT QUEENS AND PROM QUEENS.”
Also this happened and it was weird/funny:
TRANSLATION: FOUR FINGERS IS TOO MUCH.
Either way, Hanna talks with MonA about how A is going to kick them in the heinie at any moment. All that talk about togetherness has MonA reading directly from Text Message Sent By My Ex.
OR BETTER YET, BOSOM BUDDIES.
The two make plans to go shopping so you know it’s on like Donkey Kong.
IS IT JUST ME OR IS MONA IS STARING DIRECTLY AT HANNA’S TITS?
Seriously though, if MonA and Hanna aren’t actually being positioned to be the next girl-girl couple, then Hanna is playing MonA like a motherfucking violin.
HANNA IS SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE!
Nearby, Aria gets called to the vice principals office. The best part is this extra who gives the performance of a lifetime as Student Who Makes Awkward Eye Contact With The Girl Who Just Got Called To The Principals’ Office.
I HOPE THIS GIRL GETS AN EMMY.
The vice-principal makes Aria wait and wait outside to the ticking of a dramatic loud clock. In the office, the vice-principal busts out photos of Ezra and Aria having sex. FYI those are legally child porn and he shouldn’t even be able to have in his possession. Plus I’m pretty sure they were taken when Ezra wasn’t at Rosewood High. Either way, the vice principal is determined to accost Aria in the most inappropriate and slut shaming way possible.
THIS IS FUCKED UP
Plus her parents aren’t present.
OH. FUCK.
HOW DID THEY GET SO CLOSE TO EZRA’S BACK WITHOUT HIM KNOWING?!
This is all particularly concerning since Aria isn’t the person who would get in trouble here. Fitz is. Which is probably why the vice-principal says he’s glad to know Fitz is in custody. Aria rushes out of the office and down the hall crying, just to confirm every rumor that could possibly be flying around the school. Obviously the vice-principal doesn’t care at all whatsoever about rumors or Aria’s reputation or how she might be treated in all this after he makes a big scene. Particularly because, again, Aria wasn’t sleeping with Ezra while he was her teacher.
LINK I’VE GOT TO BREAK OUT SO THAT I CAN GET MY HANDS ON YOU!
Ezra walks down the hall with his hands in cuffs.
A NU START.
Then, after I wrote alllll that, it was all just a dream sequence! Come on!
HERE’S A FOLDER. SORRY I CAN’T ALSO GIVE YOU THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE BACK. MY BAD.
The vice-principal actually just had some form for Aria to bring home for a sick Ella to sign. Seriously. Come the fuck on. How you gonna do me like that? Either way Aria responds to this dream-sequence by sending Ezra a text letting him know she’s going to see other people. Oh my god Aria you already broke up. You don’t need to let him know that too. This isn’t healthy.
HER PHONE RUNS ON THE “EZRA” WIRELESS NETWORK.
Starsweep across town where Emily and Paige just finished having sex. Seriously. They both have after-sex hair and Emily shirt is all loose with her collarbones showing and Paige’s bra is sneaking out the side of her shirt. This, I assume, is a gift for all of us.
WHAT DID YOU SAY THIS SITE WAS CALLED? THE CRASHPAD?
Oh also Paige is being offered a full ride swim scholarship at Stanford. That’s right, Paige is ready to move out of Rosewood and hit up the San Francisco Gay Area. And obviously she wants Emily to UHaul across the country with her! Never mind that Stanford is one of the best colleges in the country and both Paige and Emily have, at different times, been failing classes this year. That’s not important. What’s important is Paige and Emily at the Lexington Club!
OR CLOSER TO SO MUCH LEZZIE PUSSY
Emily’s worried because she always thought she was going to go to made up Danby on her made up scholarship. But that’s not important either! What’s important is Paige and Emily at Good Vibrations!
WE CAN EVEN DO A WHOLE ROOM DEDICATED TO DRILL BITS AND CIRCULAR SANDERS!
Fuck practicality, What’s important is Paige and Emily teaching Handy Jobs at the next A-Camp!
AND WE CAN FINALLY TAKE THAT SPOONING WORKSHOP AT ACAMP!
Emily: Yes, I want to go with you. I really love you.
Paige: Come here. I love you too. Let’s scissor and then UHaul.
It’s the cutest most heartwarming scene of the entire series I think. Maybe of my entire life. I re-watched it another three times just so I could experience it again without pausing the TV to write jokes. I want to go back in time and jump dimensions and be them. I want to be eighteen and beautiful and athletic and plan to move across the country with my beautiful athletic girlfriend. I want to hatch us a sceme to get matching scholarships to Standford. I want us to make-out on our knees in the most immaculately decorated sun drenched bedroom of all time. I want to not care that we will probably break up after she nails the cute vegan from the floor above us and I find out about it via Jucycampus.com. I want theses things for me and I really really want them for Emily, I could kiss the writers for giving it to her.
PRETTY LITTLE LIARS SEASON 5
Unfortunately, as we all know, there’s no way A will actually let Emily go through with any of these plans. But it’s nice to dream.
Eventually, though the night wears on and Paige goes to leave, which is silly because this is the part where you’re supposed to have your girlfriend sneakily sleep over. Duh.
I’LL START THE CAR BUT WE’LL STAY IN PARK/ COLD CAN KILL US BEFORE FUMES.
Either way, Jenna is there to catch the show and harass Emily a bit. And by harass I mean hold hands in lezzie solidarity. I guess Jenna ran out of episodes to watch on Crashpad. Either way, Jenna wants a favor. She wants Emily to tell TobAy that she “never meant to hurt him” which is really fucked because last time I checked she raped him. Ugh. Also she has a weird burn on her hand. Oh! And she gives us a new thing to know!
ANYWAYS SO NOW THAT WE’RE BOTH LEZZIES I GUESS WE SHOULD HANG OUT AND WATCH BUT I’M A CHEERLEADER OR SOMETHING.
Shit We Learned This Episode:
12. Wilden saw Ali the Night She Was In A Million Places And Saw Everyone And Died (Maybe)
Starsweep across the cul de sac where a different couple of lezzies have just gotten back from shopping. Hanna seems visibly strained hanging out with MonA and pours them a couple of sodas. It’s kind of sad because MonA really is trying and Hanna is just trying to keep her enemies close. MonA calls Hanna out on her fakery. As a gesture of goodwill, and probably to get into Hanna’s pants someday, MonA gives her the hard drive. It’s maybe a nice moment.
AND I REALLY DID MAKE A HAIR DOLL OUT OF YOUR HAIR. NO, YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BACK.
Over at the Hasting’s. Spencer’s catching up on Best American Erotica 2012. She walks to the window and what does she see? Jessica Dilaurentis staring through her window awkwardly. I’ve decided that Jessica is recreating Alison’s room in order to recreate the events of The Night Alison Was In A Million Places And Saw Everyone And Died (Maybe) and film it to be used in a heist a la Oceans Eleven.
DAMN I WISH THIS THING HAD FLASH.
Just then Spencer gets a text to her iPad.
NO BUT SERIOUSLY I SWEAR THIS IS ALSO A DIFFERENT WHITE GUY.
It’s cryptic. As usual.
The next day or something the Liars join everyone ever at Wilden’s funeral. The Liars, who by now you would think would have mastered the art of dressing for a funeral, show up as Sex in the City fabulous as ever.
THE CRAFT 2: THE CRAFTIER
The Liars are highly concerned that the casket has something incriminating inside of it. Yeah, because this couldn’t just be another trap by A. Definitely not. If there really was something incriminating in the casket, you would think it would be best to just let it be buried? Am I right? But oh no, Spencer and MonA, who shows up just for funsies, have to go digging elbow deep in dead body to dig out a cell phone.
SHE REALLY SHOULD TAKE OFF HER WATCH FOR SAFETY!
Wilden has a missed call from “Kisses,” who I would be inclined to think is his cat, but what do I know. The girls call the number and Hanna picks up. Why does Wilden have Hanna under “Kisses” in his phone? Because that’s not Wilden’s phone. It’s Ashley’s.
FYI THIS IS WHAT SNAPCHAT IS FOR.
The girls circle up to figure out what the bajeezus is going on. It’s mutually agreed upon that Ashley is probably A’s next target.
ONLY I’M ALLOWED TO DO THAT.
Just then Ali’s mom walks over and basically does a weird Ali thing. First she tells the girls how pretty they look and then she compliments Hanna on keeping the weight off. Why don’t the adults in Rosewood know how to behave like adults? Jessica invites the girls to sit with her but, no surprise they’re one seat short and MonA has to find seating elsewhere.
ON WEDNESDAYS WE WEAR BLACK.
In a similar no surprise Jenna walks in with a muscled out man guide and her sunglasses on. Wait, is she still pretending to be blind? Like still? I thought she was done with that. Why is every funeral in Rosewood exactly the same?
KEN DOLL #449
Actually, I have no idea why the Liars would have even attended Wilden’s funeral. Or Jessica DiLaurentis. Or Jenna. Or Fitz. Why are any of them here? I guess funerals are just where people go to be seen in Rosewood now. It’s like the hottest social event of the year. I guess that explains why there’s a girl who face is completely covered in a black veil. I like how no one in the whole church is commenting on how weird and borderline inappropriate that is. Instead everyone’s just puttering around making small talk as usual like, “Oh and look the neighbor’s son came to show his respects, how sweet. And look! Even Creepy Black Veil made it today! I haven’t seen her in years!”
SEXY SCHOOL GIRL GOTH MOURNER CHIC
Elsewhere, TobAy is texting and driving.
GRINDR
SHE DIED OF BOREDOM FROM YOUR PLOTLINE
I half expect him to get hit with a truck, but instead he just has a pastel flashback involving Alison. Obviously. TobAy and Alison hang out in his room where they touch his things.
THEY HAVE A WHOLE OTHER SET OF USES
Then Alison says “I know you want to kiss me” for the bagillionth time. Maybe I should start using that line? Alison seems to clean up with it. Before TobAy can make his move though, his mother walks in.
TobAy has a moment with his mother that kind of makes me like his cro-magnon face where he asks her what’s going on and it’s made clear to us that his mother is depressed. Alison expresses her usual nasty displeasure that she spews whenever someone or something is outside her perfect reality.
UGH.
TobAy kicks Alison out of his house and I’m guessing this is when she decided to ruin his life. Or maybe this was last week and TobAy was only pretending his mother was dead for three seasons. You never can tell with this show. Either way TobAy dramatically exits the A-Mobile, I guess leaving it for Red Coat or something. C’mon asshole.
Back over at the funeral, the Liars exit. They’re approached by a police officer who’s taking over for Wilden. He admits that Wilden’s behavior was totally totally harassment except, oops, they have to come in for questioning anyways. He also wants to know wtf the Liars are doing at Wilden’s funeral. I can’t decide if this is Pretty Little Liars breaking the fourth wall but it’s damn near close.
WAIT. SO GARRETT REYNOLDS GETS MORE ASS THAN EMILY? SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON HERE.
As usual, the season premiere ends with all four — scratch that — five Liars receiving a text from A.
WHY DO WE ALWAYS SAY “KISSES?” WHY IS IT NEVER “FUCKS?”
OoOoOoh! And this one comes with a fancy snapchat!
NOPE. NO DILDOS IN THE FRONT SEAT.
In our final A scene Creepy Black Veil adds a A’ed out MonA doll to the group of Liars. I assume this means MonA is basically officially a new Liar and I can go back to calling her Mona.
REAL DOLLZ
I’m sure pleased with this for two reason. First of all, Mona is a super smart computer wiz kid and I hate how the Liars go running to Caleb every time they need to unplug and replug in the router. Secondly, I really really love Mona! She’s spunky and hilarious and obviously in love with Hanna. She’s also batshit crazy and, at this point, doesn’t give a shit who knows it. Plus I would love to see some of her family life.
But that’s not all folks. We see as Creepy Black Veil pulls back her creepy black veil. Who’s underneath? An Alison mask half burned a la phantom of the opera. For whatever reason it never occurred to me until this very moment that Big Red/Creepy Black Veil/A/whoever took the time to have Alison masks made. Where does one even do that? Wouldn’t that be really expensive? It’s not like I’m looking for plot holes, but seriously what the fuck?
Is that something I could do? Could I have Lizz masks made for all my friends and family?
Before we go our separate ways let’s review the shit we learned this episode:
Shit We Learned This Episode:
1. Mona put Wilden’s car in Hanna’s garage. (Not a metaphor for hetero sex, actual car, actual garage)
2. Shana knew Jenna from Before The Show because she wanted to fingerblast her
3. Cece visited Mona in Radley but MonA thought she was Ali because MonA was still cray
4. Lucas gave Emily the creep-o massage in Season One
5. TobAy has been on the A team since the hundredth time he left town whenever the fuck that was
6. MonA didn’t push Ian off the bell tower
7. Mona has keys to Emily’s car
8. Wilden is dead
9. MonA was the one posing as Caleb in the A-Train
10. The Queen of Hearts was Wilden and (possibly) Melissa who wanted to kill Garett before he spilled the beans
11. Wilden and Melissa were the ones who put Aria and Garret in the A-Train box
12. Wilden saw Ali the Night She Was In A Million Places And Saw Everyone And Died (Maybe)
13. Mona is a future toppy butch
Well that’s a lot for this week if I do say so myself! If we learn anything next week I’ll be right here to chat about it! -L
Thank you to Kissthemgoodbye.net for the screencaps!
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“and one wearing a strap on and holding a gift card for Home Depot” I seriously died at this line. Bravo.
I have multiple feelings about everything. The pig was such a fucking letdown, but I knew Wilden was dead so I was expecting his corpse to be in the trunk. Womp-womp, close enough. Also? THIS EPISODE WAS SO FUCKING GAY OMIGOD MONA JUST TELL HANNA YOU LOVE HER ALREADY.
Things That I Learned From This Recap: What the fuck, CALEB gets the spin-off? Caleb. Really? Really? Ugh, wrong lesbian, ABCFamily. Wrong. Lesbian.
IDK why there’s no option for me to reply to your answer below RE my inquiry so here I am: THANK YOU! Makes sense :)
Also I agree with how that pig was such a letdown. Like you’ve waited weeks for that? Why? O.o
Yes. Caleb. No clue. And it’s gonna be supernature I think. This shit is going Buffy Style.
Things That I Learned From This Recap: That was a photo of Toby’s mom, not Ali’s mom that Toby got on his phone. That makes so much more sense @___@ #awkward
I thought it was Ali’s mom too at first!! I was like OMG did they have an affair what?! But then I remembered everyone in Rosewood has the same haircut.
Awesome recap Lizz! I was so happy when I saw it was finally up! Just hilarious.
I thought it was a great start to the new season. Paily was so wonderful and sweet. I know things will undoubtedly get bad for them but hopefully they’ll get through it.
A couple notes, You asked if it was science fiction, well I don’t think so lol, but now with what we know about Ravenswood we can definitely say that there’s magic at work! It actually would explain so much! I’ve always thought that Rosewood is probably on a Hellmouth. :D
That is a different actress playing Jessica DiLaurentis from early in the first season, but it’s the same actress who played her in the second season in the episode with the fashion show. It’s the same actor for Wilden too.
Aww, no one likes my Hellmouth joke.
I liked you hellmouth joke! I loled when I read it but I was on my phone at the grocery store and couldn’t really reply.
I SEE YOU BUFFY LOVERS OF THE WORLD.
I was actually hoping Ezra was legit arrested because that would be a dramatic and somewhat interesting storyline. Seriously though, if they rehash the whole teacher/student – just can’t stay away – plot from earlier its going to be dumb.
I also hate how Spencer acts around Toby. Her weird flirty thing with Toby is like the only time I don’t find Spencer attractive.
But anyway. I love Mona. She is awesome and I loved her line about kissing Hanna cause yep.
Yes, I was overjoyed with the sight of him in handcuffs.
That chart. OMG THAT CHART. And the captions – HILARIOUS!
The Chart is EPIC. Actually, I have been keeping my own Chart on my computer that I update after each episode because otherwise I would literally have NO CLUE what was going on, and I noticed a few things missing.
– Jenna and Ian hooked up in season 1.
– Jason and Aria kissed back in season 2 I think.
– Cece dated Eric Kahn, Noel’s older brother. I don’t know why but I think that’ll be important later.
– Ali also hooked up with that guy Duncan, the pilot who took Aria flying.
Otherwise though, SO perfect!
Allison….. Ali?? Are you the girl in the red coat? Hehehe.. :-)
Also, Straddler PLL fans, I have a question because I’m curious. I’ve been wondering why Ashley Marin is still using ‘Marin’ as her last name when she’s been divorced from Tom already? Also she is sometimes referred to as ‘Mrs.’ Same goes to Ella who kept Montgomery. Please don’t judge me, loves, but where I come from, when you get annulled (we don’t have divorce legal yet), you can use your maiden name. Also, I had an American boss who used her maiden name after she got divorced. Is it because they chose to keep it? Is it an option? Am I cray cray? I hope somebody can clarify this for me. THANKS. ^_^
Yes, it is an option that some women take after divorce because changing your name legally can be a hassle. I personally don’t understand it either, but it’s not an uncommon thing.
It’s an option! My mom kept hers because she works with preschoolers and didn’t want them to get confused having to learn a different name.
Plus Mrs. M seems like she’s not-quite-over Hanna’s dad and is probably holding out on changing it (and on a meta level, we need to make absolutely sure everyone remembers she’s Hanna’s mom)
I think Aria and Jason are connected on the chart?
I don’t remember about Jenna and Ian? What was the context? Who even are these girls and their older man friends?!
Oh and about the chart, I can’t remember Caleb having anything to do with Mona. Did I miss something? Otherwise I love it! Awesome work Grace.
I think Hanna sent Caleb on a mission to pretend to go out with Mona to lure A into a trap. I didn’t think it would count towards this chart though.
They made out in a car to prove something to A. I figured it’s a spit chain so it counts!
Your rationale makes sense (because I *just* got the Spit Chain joke, Jesus…). I thought it was more of a “Romantic Tryst” chart.
Yeah I thought it was a romantic tryst chart too, but then since Emily only kissed Lyndon a little he wouldn’t be on there either. So I guess if he is then Caleb and Mona fit too. lol
I miss Crazyhairspencer’s crazy hair.
I am so glad you also still think Toby is evil, I will never recover from those months when we thought he betrayed Spencer. Ugh I can’t even look at him anymore.
Also can we talk about how much Mona is in love with Hannah? “I really loved you once” “And to think, we almost had our first kiss” “When you say words like us and we…” SO GAY. SO GAY UP IN HERE>
PS Thank you for “Shit We Learned This Episode” and also The Chart, they are so helpful/informative
I also hate his stupid face.
I mean right? Cave man.
YES THE RECAPS ARE BACK! None of my irl friends watch PLL so I live for these recaps because it’s actually like having someone to discuss the show with. Sometimes I take out my PLL feels on poor unsuspecting souls, like when a girl has PLL listed in her favorite shows section on OKcupid and I end up messaging her like an entire paragraph of feelings vomit about the show and ok now I’m starting to realize why I’m bad at getting dates, this has been a very revealing moment for me, thanks.
Glad to have you back!
YES THIS. I definitely have done the same thing to unsuspecting pll fans on okcupid. I’m so glad I’m not the only one.
lol That’s what tumblr is for. Come join us. Don’t be afraid.
As cheesy as it was I really loved the scene between Paige and Emily. I love how hopeful and optimistic they both are despite the fact that one of them is inevitably going get to get brutally murdered, not unlike Game of Thrones.
Also, I’ve been walking around all week listening to the OneRepublic song that was playing during the scene and lip-syncing the Take us down, we keep trying/Forty-thousand feet, keep flying!!!! part with the stupidest grin of my face all because of Paige McCullers in that ridiculous (read: marvellous) unicorn t-shirt. I’ve gotten a lot of weird looks from people.
I also thought Mona is super gay, or at least super in love for Hanna. Which if it was to ever be canon, it would surely make it the show with the bigger number of girls-who-like-girls after the L Word.
God you guys Mona is so gay, Officer The Patriarchy is dead, and even if it was a dream sequence Ezra fucking finally got arrested. This season is going to be great.
Also, did I miss where they explained why Hanna had her mom’s phone? I… really don’t get that part.
Also I wish people I knew actually watched this show so I could share this article with them, but my friends are really sick of me explaining all the backstory so they understand why lezzie Caleb is hilarious or why Mona is totally perfect.
Oh my god watching the next episode I JUST realized that it meant Hanna’s mom’s phone was the one in the casket, lol intricacies of the English language
My favorite part of the show is when they all line up next to each other. Ugh this show is bizarrely important to me and Lizz, your recaps are the best ever. I want to be really, really happy about Emily and Paige being adorable and in love but I’m just so worried that things are going to go terribly wrong because it’s PLL and because lesbians aren’t allowed to be happy on TV, ever.
Also Hanna’s funeral outfit was the best.
Becccccaaaa! I miss you!
I miss you too, Lizz!! Also now I read everything you post in your voice so there’s that.
I had so many feelings happening watching this episode that I had to watch an episode of The real L word just to deaden my emotions and save me from a PLL cry fest, all thanks to Ezra not getting arrested (so close…so close).
Also Mona is brilliant…….and SUPER GAY, enough said.
Lizz, don’t paint your nails in the dark and cry, they will get all smudgy. Call me instead; we’ll gossip about what the Liars are wearing.
I still think that A is plotting against both the N.A.T. club and the Liars and that the N.A.T. club is retaliating against the Liars. So, basically, everyone wants to ruin the lives of these four (five) girls and I can’t even really remember what for. A firecracker?
omg Ranger. All the feels.
I think that A is plotting about everyone and is maybe jenny schecter. idk I just feel it.
I love your comments re: Wilden and all white guys looking alike cause right before Spencer walks in to desecrate his casket I would swear Wilden was one of the cops that walked by her.
Your recap has made me realize that I need more opportunities to say “fingerblast.” Thank you.
I feel like I’m reaching a point in my life where “fingerbang” just isn’t doing it any more and I have to start using the term “fingerblast.” Is this how I know I’ve reached adulthood?
In the chart : Melissa Hastings and Jason Dilaurentis ? Aren’t they supposed to be siblings ?
THAT is a good point, well made. So much so that i took a screen shot and sent it to my gf who watches the show and probably gets redic annoyed at me saying “who?what now? Why? Im so confused. “
Yeah they made out before they knew and parents flipped.
What exactly are they targeting these four girls for? I don’t understand anymore at this point. The show has gone so far from its origin
I think that exact thought like 100 per episode right now.
I love this show I really do. But do they think I’m a moron? a pig? seriously a pig? that was the big cliffhanger? hilarious!
oh and btw Mona is almost as gay as I am.