Welcome to the fifteenth episode of the fourth season of Pretty Little Liars, a show that’s all about hot lesbians mud wrestling.

We open on our favorite shiny haired Liars just exactly where we left them: flipping through Alison’s journal. Everyone’s really pissed at Hanna because she held out on the journals for like… a week.

Anyways in classic Alison style all the names are made up and so are some of the stories. Like there might be a story about Emily kissing Alison, but instead of “Emily” the girl’s name might be “Girl Crush.” And there might also be a completely made up story about the time that Alison and Girl Crush went to Warped Tour together and totally met Good Charlotte backstage. If you didn’t know who Girl Crush was you might not know which story was real.

In other words, years after writing her gigantic memoir Alison would have to go back on Oprah and tell apologize for making up the details.

So the Liars decide to each dig through the journal and parse out exactly who Girl Crush is and whether she kissed Alison or met Benji and Joel. Oh! But speaking of Emily, she’s the first to read through the journal and dig out the stories about herself!

It’s Emily so her stories are all about her being gaaaaaayyyyyyyyy. And, yes, she actually refers to Emily as “Girl Crush”

So in the middle of the night Emily is up reading Ali’s journal and then… Ali walks in? She comes in through the window and wants to talk all about how she’s sorry and that she never meant to hurt Emily. Plus she has no idea who’s after her and she’s scared etc. Except Emily is still pissed about basically everything that’s taken place since she was born and she’s having none of it.

Ali reaches out to touch Emily’s “Emily” bracelet and then, suddenly, Emily’s alarm clock goes off and she wakes up. Was it all a dream? Maybe. At this point I feel comfortable assuming that Ali carries around some sort of date rape drug that makes the girls forget everything abruptly after she’s given it to them.

Fortunately, the Journal is still there and Emily’s “Emily” bracelet is over in her jewelry box right where she left it. Curious.

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Since it’s 4am in Rosewood it’s time for all the Liars to get up and start their three hour pre-school ritual of runway-style makeup and hair styling. Hanna’s up first!

Ashley pops in to talk to Hanna. While Ashley is super excited about her own first day working for Jessica DiLaurentis, Hanna is kind of bumming out about the whole Caleb’s gone thing. Me too. Don’t worry Hanna, you’ll meet a new lesbian soon. Maybe this one will have even more cats!

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At 5am Spencer heads over to Toby’s cave. He’s been redecorating with some stuff from Anthropologie. No big deal.

Actually, Toby shouldn’t even be home because he was supposed to be helping Spencer’s dad shut down Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane AKA Radley. Unfortunately, Spencer’s dad canceled at the last minute.

Spencer’s actually wicked psyched her dad canceled though because, despite her longterm love affair with punctuality and reliability, she thinks that her dad’s up to no good. That he’s only helping Toby to get something out of it for himself. Personally I think he’s doing it because he thinks if he proves Radley is a corrupt mental hospital it will improve Spencer’s chances of getting into an Ivy League school. That sounds more like the Hastings Family I know!

The Spencer actually by choice touches Toby’s hideous caveman chin and they canoodle. Gross.

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Starsweep to the hallowed halls of Rosewood High where EzrA skulks about like the bad guy on a particularly predictable episode of Law and Order: SVU. He cozies up to a particularly creepy window that faces the courtyard of the school.

Just then, Emily walks by with Ali’s journal. Now EzrA knows she has it and she’s probably next up to get fucked. Metaphorically, of course.

Speaking of which we check in with Aria who leaves something on EzrA’s desk while Spencer plays look out.

All this seems slightly off to Spencer who asks Aria what the hell she was dropping off. When Aria claims it was just EzrA’s favorite pen, Spencer asks her just exactly what type of pen it was. Aria gives an epic longwinded description of said pen and Spencer points out that this means she’s totally still in love with him. FYI I love my girlfriend a lot but I’m not prepared to write a sonnet on her favorite writing utensil.

Spencer and Aria head outside where they met up with Emily and Hanna. Emily’s finally finished reading through the journal and she’s even devised a post-it note system where each Liar has a color.

She asks who wants to go next and Hanna very quickly pushes the notebook off to Spencer. I’m guessing, among other things, Hanna is probably not ready to talk about her eating disorder with the other girls.

Actually it’s really not Hanna’s day at all because now she has to tell her friends that Caleb went back to Ravenswood and they’re kind of really broken up now!

Instead of facing the sadness of her breakup Hanna has chosen to put all her energy towards figuring out all this Ali shit. She opens up the journal to a poem about a bee.

Aria immediately recognizes it as a poem about some nearby Busy Bee Inn situation. The Liars decide they should go there road trip style ASAP after Emily gets off work, if only to give Hanna something else to think about.

Oh did I mention that EzrA is watching the whole time from what is officially now EzrA’s Window? Shame really, Ezra’s Window would make such a good title for a children’s book about a boy with a chronic illness.

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After school Emily piddles away at her usual lesbian job as a barista. Oddly, she finds a note in her backpack, probably from Ali. It’s says, “Yo let’s totally bone at our kissing rock spot gurrrl” or something along those lines.

Emily immediately rushes away from work because, well, even after all these years Ali say “Jump” and Emily say “Okay but then you have to go so I can watch your boobs bounce.”

Meanwhile Aria sneaks into EzrA’s classroom. Apparently she left him a note earlier about wanting to try this month’s Cosmo’s 50 Hot Sex Moves To Try With Your Much Much Much Much Much Older Boyfriend. Unfortunately she has to cancel on him because of the whole Hanna Is A Wreck thing.

Aria and EzrA have some heartfelt words that I officially don’t have any words for anymore and eventually she takes her cute butt and perfectly manicured nails on her way. EzrA then proceeds to sit down at his laptop and watch a video, of which we only hear the audio, of Alison asking for a way to not be Alison anymore.

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Emily walks dramatically though The Woods Of Feelings to the most lesbian song ever.

It’s the piano version of “Surrender” by Digital Daggers. I encourage everyone to play this while reading the rest of the recap. It really sets the mood. Alternatively you could put it on the next time you decide to have some girlsex.

Emily sits down on the kissing rock and has even more silent feelings.

The camera pans over to the side where it reads, in a heart, “EF +AD.” You would literally have to be dumber than Toby not to immediately realize this is Ezra Fitz + Alison DiLaurentis.

Emily of course is too far into lesbian la la land waiting for Ali to notice. When Ali doesn’t show up for their scissoring session though, Emily leaves her “Emily” bracelet and heads back off into the woods.

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At home Spencer walks in on her father and Jessica DiLaurentis chatting about something Jason doesn’t need to know. Spencer doesn’t fuck around so she asks them point blank what they’re talking about. Jessica tells her that she and her husband are getting a divorce, so obviously the lawyer she went to see was the man she cheated on her husband with. Classic.

Spencer jumps to the same conclusions I do and gives a good old fashioned “WTF are you doing with your former mistress all day, bro?” Papa Hastings doesn’t much like the accusations, but he sidesteps and interrupts them by explaining to Spencer why he canceled on Toby earlier. He dug up some info on Radley and while Toby’s mother’s death wasn’t a suicide, Radly is claiming it was just an accident and that they covered up the truth to protect another patient. I’m not really sure how that makes sense but okay whatever.

Regardless this news gives Spencer a whole range of emotions:

Either way Papa Hastings is no longer interested in sticking it to Radley. Probably this means the other patient was Alison.

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At the Life Cafe Hanna runs into Buzzcut, a character so obscure I had to look up my own recap of his last appearance just to remember what nickname I’d been calling him. I guess now that Caleb’s gone he’s next in line.

We aren’t on the up and up on Rosewood news but Buzzcut informs Hanna, and us, that Cece was last spotted in Maryland and that the police think someone paid her to kill Wilden. I guess there’s security footage and everything.

Buzzcut wants to know how Hanna’s doing, how her mother is doing and, most importantly, how her boyfriend Caleb is doing and specifically whether or not he is still in the picture and are they doing the sex still or is there an opportunity for him to move in on that situation. Hanna’s like, “Lie lie lie, lie lie, yes Caleb’s still my boyfriend.”

Some time after Hanna leaves the Life Cafe, Spencer enters. It seems like everyone’s been there today—maybe that sound stage was cheaper. Does Spencer want a double caramel latte? Nope! She wants to harass Jessica DiLaurentis!

I don’t know how Spencer tracked Jessica down but she want her to stay the hell away from Papa Hastings. Plus her commotion caught the attention of a nearby girl reading. I only point this out because the girl is hot and in Rosewood there’s only one rule: Lesbian Until Proven Straight.

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In our next scene, brought to you by Toyota, the girls drive out to the Busy Bee’s Inn. In the car, Spencer starts flipping through Ali’s diary. This would make normal humans such as myself really carsick but Spencer is a super human whose stomach knows no limits.

She flips to a story about a girl named “Suzy” who doesn’t even see “Mr. Clueless” kissing some blonde. In other words Aria is “Suzy” and her father is “Mr. Clueless.” Bummer that Aria didn’t get a better nickname.

Spencer mostly flips right by this story though in lieu of one entitled “Hot for Teacher.” I’m not positive but I’m pretty sure every entry in this journal is named after a Youtube video with more than a million hits. Spencer snaps a photo.

Elsewhere EzrA swings by Hanna’s house. Obviously he’s looking for the journal. Ashley lets him in and he goes off on some excuse about how Hanna might fail his class if Hanna doesn’t turn in  few assignments. Ashley doesn’t think this house call is weird despite the fact that this is the sort of meeting that generally takes place at school. Or like on the phone.

Just then Ashley’s work cell rings and she steps out of the room. EzrA takes this opportunity to head directly upstairs. The weird thing about all this is that it’s a lot less stealthy than A normally is. Wouldn’t A usually just come in in the middle of the night through a window?

EzrA aggressively picks through Hanna’s things and eventually hops on her computer while Ashley fields seemingly endless complaints from a tenant. Hm. Maybe EzrA is being stealthier than we thought.

Of course, by the time she’s off the phone EzrA is sitting right where she left him, reading a book as usual.

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Back in the car Spencer finally does get carsick and passes the journal to Aria. She does some reading of her own and, while quickly deduces that Spencer is “Human Cheat Sheet” and, with a bit of nudging, that she’s “Suzy Clueless.”

Aria notices a story called Cradle Robber about someone sleeping with a younger man and Hanna gets fucking weird about it. There’s even a page of the story torn out.

Then, in classic Pretty Little Liars style Emily’s car suddenly stops working in the middle of nowhere and not one of these girls has AAA! C’mon guys, after all this time you haven’t figured out that if you try to go on a road trip together A is going to cause your car to break down?

Hanna texts Buzzcut to come get them but he says it’ll be two hours. It’s about to start raining, but peeing in the woods and waiting the in car is apparently off the table and so, by some crazy stroke of genius/perfectly laid A plan Aria offers to take the girls to EzrA’s cabin. Ahem, I mean “her uncle’s” cabin.

The girls trek forward in the almost rain and, yet again in classic Pretty Little Liars style, everyone loses cell service. Spencer confronts Hanna about the missing pages and Hanna says she didn’t take them. More than that she says that the journal isn’t going to help them, it’s just going to tell them who did what behind each other’s back.

Elsewhere EzrA drives in the rain wearing a wait for it [dramatic pause] BLACK TURTLENECK. He’s up to no good.

The Liars arrive at EzrA’s cabin and Aria lets them all in. Hanna runs to use the bathroom (because having to pee in the car is, like, the worst ever) and the girls bicker over whether they’re keeping things from each other.

After peeing (finally thank god) Hanna walks in and admits to the girls that The Cradle Robber is about her.And Aria’s brother Mike.

Cue the pastel flashback.

There Hanna is fake chubby and Ali is all up in her face having just busted her and Mike making out.

I guess it is a little weird since Mike is two years younger than the Liars making him like 13 when Hanna was 15, but certainly no weirder than other things that have happened on this show. Ali tells Hanna that Mike only wanted to hook up with her to cop a feel and she better not tell Aria because Aria will never forgive her.

Flash forward and Aria is slightly weirded out but definitely not mad. Seeing how sad Hanna is, the girls ask her what’s really going on. She tells them that Caleb met someone else and left her and, though we know that’s not exactly what went down she’s still really upset.

Hanna runs out of the house and Emily follows her while Aria and Spencer stay behind. Aria and Spencer go into the back to dig up some linens and because this is the Pretty Little Liars cliché episode to end all cliché episodes A locks them in. I’m gonna say at this point that one’s on them. They should have known better.

Spencer and Aria scream for help out the window, which causes Emily and Hanna to finally come running back. Unfortunately, by the time Spencer and Aria get out and Emily and Hanna come back A is already gone. Is there a chance in hell that Ali’s journal is still there? Nope, nada zip. And in its place is Emily’s bracelet.

Just then there’s a knock at the door and a man approaches. The Liars suddenly realize they’re about to come face to face with A. They grab the nearest make-shift weapons and open the door prepared to come face to face with the one and only A.

Lolololololololol. Obviously there’s no way that happens! It’s Buzzcut.

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Later that night, at the Marin household, Buzzcut asks Hanna what the fuck everyone’s problem was. She lies and says that they saw a raccoon because you can’t even be honest with people in Rosewood without them ending up dead. Or worse: ending up your boyfriend.

Hanna tries to pay Buzzcut for the tow but he reminds her that the only payment needed is the friendship of her heart and (with consent) panties.

Men being nice is Hanna’s number one crying trigger and so she immediately loses it sobbing over Caleb. I mean when he left he took everything—both cats and the Kitchen Aid stand mixer. How is she supposed to live like this.

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Spencer gets home and overhears Papa Hastings on the phone with Mama Hastings. Because the Hastings folks can’t ever be home at the same time, he’s telling her all about his day of mediation meetings and other such lies.

Spencer’s unimpressed and tries the push the issues, but Papa Hastings tells her as long as she’s under his roof she will stay away from Jessica DiLaurentis.

Of course, the predictable response to this is that Spencer promptly tries to move in with Toby.

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Aria gives Ezra a call and the two pretend they were doing something entirely different than they actually were. It’s sort of weird because Ezra knows exactly what went on and Aria has no idea. Then Ezra says “I love you” and Aria awkwardly says “I love you too” even though she maybe isn’t sure if she means it. It’s what we here in the lesbian community call A First Date.

Aria walks into the next room and Emily is sitting there. She asks if it was Jake on the phone and when Aria lies and says, “Yes” Emily responds “It’s no fun lying to them is it?” I put that here only because I have no idea who the “them” is in that statement. I just really need one of you guys to explain it to me.

Aria comes to sit with Emily and Emily shows her the now potentially faux note from Ali. Aria is pretty confused/disappointed but, you know, who could possibly be expected to not lie to their friends for an entire afternoon. Besides, maybe Ali theoretically wanted to meet up for totally not-crazy benign reasons!

Of course, just as their conversation is getting serious, the Liars all get a text from A. He sends them a picture outside the Busy Bee Inn, thanking them for the “tip.” In other words, the Liars decoded the whole journal and passed it right along to A who was, obviously, most curious about Hanna’s affair with Aria’s brother anyways.

In the final A scene we discover that A knows how to use a computer to shut something else down remotely. Shocker.

Tune in next week when Pretty Little Liars reveals that A also knows how to forge letters and shop for black hoodies.

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