Moving on, Sensei Hot Stuff and Aria embark on their latest date, getting Aria’s sweater appraised as modern art. We’re treated to yet another round of “oh my god we have nothing in common” as Sensei Hot Stuff tries to explain why Jackie Chan is cool. Right. Like that needs to be explained to anyone.

While walking Aria and Sensei Hot Stuff run into Baby-Ezra aka Malcolm! Such are the problems encountered when you live in a town with only three streets. Malcolm asks why Aria never comes over anymore and Aria’s like “Jeez kid because I’m not bonking your dad anymore.”

Aria do you remember me? I’m a plot device from last season sent to break you and Ezra up!

Sorry, I should have told you my ex-boyfriend was on the shorter side.

After Malcolm walks inside, Sensei Hot Stuff wants to know, you know, who the fuck he is. Remember what I said last episode about the Liars being terrible liars? This goes double for Aria. She’s like, “Oh his dad is my teacher….” Gosh Aria is it really so hard to come up with a lie for why you might not be hanging out with an 8-year-old anymore? Like, I don’t know, that you used to be his baby-sitter? Or really anything that doesn’t scream “FYI I used to fuck my teacher!!” Like, come on.

Seriously Aria.

That’s probably how Aria ends up telling Sensei the whole damn story. Start to finish. All about nailing her teacher. Which is probably, honestly for the best. You know, until A reveals that she got the whole thing on tape.

Just a few holes and straps and we’ll have this thing converted into a great sex swing.

Sensei doesn’t think Aria is over Ezra yet. You know, because she still has her Ezaria forever tattoo.

Sensei: “You know you’re not finished with him, don’t you?”
Aria: “I have to be!”
Sensei: “Are not!”
Aria: “Are too!”
Sensei: “Are not!”
Aria: “Are too!”
Sensei: “Are not!”
Aria: “Are too!”

You still wanna do it?

Aria kisses Sensei to prove her point. He’s not impressed. He rambles on about being “hurt” versus being “injured” which, honestly to me shows that even if he is 35 years old he obviously doesn’t quite get heartbreak. Or maybe I’m the one who doesn’t know anything about heartbreak. It’s hard to say. I suppose he is the wise Sensei here. Fortunately Aria and I have the same response.

Which isn’t too hard because I’m only like 4’11”

Then he mumbles something about everything and leaves, but then Aria asks him if she can call him? Or something? Can I be honest guys, I’m having a really hard time understanding this guy. Either my hearing is going or he is a mumbler. Fortunately not having any idea what he’s ever saying is probably saving him from the Patented Lizz Man Hate.

The next morning TobAy stumbles into some unusually bright and friendly lighting. He’s tracked down his mother’s doctor where he works at a mental hospital.

Future subject of Style Thief

I can’t even with TobAy so I’m going to do this a little differently than usual.

Everything Wrong With This Scene
1. TobAy tracks Dr. Palmer to a park, not his office
2. The doc doesn’t show a flicker of recognition when TobAy says ” TobAy Cavanaugh.” Like a doc wouldn’t immediately remember the last name of patient of his who killed herself in the hospital.
3. The doc doesn’t show a flicker of recognition when TobAy says “Marion Cavanaugh.” See above.
4. Dr. Palmer is vaguely British. Why are so many of the doctors on this show British?
5. Dr. Palmer just openly violates doctor-patient confidentiality

I got to number 5 in this scene when it became apparent that Dr. Palmer is actually a patient at the mental hospital TobAy was visiting. I probably should have seen that one coming. Marlene King, you old bird, you got me again!

Take this box. It has a worthwhile story line in it. You probably can’t use it but maybe someone else on the show can.

But we get a nugget of something before TobAy leaves! Dr. Palmer tells TobAy to tell his mother to stay away from “that blonde girl.” Cue the dramatic music.

Are you saying something seemingly random in Rosewood is actually related to Alison? For real?

Back at the Marin’s, Hanna and Ashley freak out because Ashley’s work has asked that she not take people into the vaults anymore. This could be problematic.

Ashely keeps repeating “This bullshit won’t touch my baby.” Finally Hanna admits to Ashley that she knows that she was in Rosewood The Night Wilden Was Murdered. Mostly just to make her shut up.

Shut up. Shane and Carmen were the best couple on The L Word and don’t you say a thing otherwise.

Across the cul de sac, Melissa gets home and searches the fridge for string cheese.

Is this where I stored my acidophilus?

The house is out of string cheese, but there is wine! Wine and something else. A trap! That’s right, Spencer and Aria sneak outside the window filming Melissa inside. It’s like they’re A! They watch as Melissa finds the mask they planted in her suitcase. I must say, Spencer impersonating Melissa’s interior monologue as she filmed her was one of the true delights of the episode! Maybe even of my entire life.

Girls Gone Wild #27: Masks and Body Suits

Starsweep to Emily’s house where her parents want her to open up. Tell them what is going on with her shoulder, possible drug use, dark mysterious new outlook on life and new collection of cats and Home Depot gift cards.

Cats?! Who said anything about bringing cats home?!

Shay Mitchell might look older than the other three girls combined, but she does a great job of acting like a pissed off teenage. Her parents badger her with questions and she finally snaps at them and runs out of the house.

It’s my life and I’ll wear white pants after labor day if I damn well want to!

They yell down the street for her to come back. Clearly the best way to convince Family Services that no abuse is going on at home is by running away from home and/or screaming at your child down the street. Nice moves Fields family.

Run Forrest Run!

Over at Hanna’s place she and Caleb are in a serious discussion of their own. Hanna wants to start holding a weekly brunch for the other lesbian couples they know, but Caleb thinks that utilizes their mid-day meal privilege and they should instead hold a poetry slam. Caleb also think Ashley is super guilty.

I just want you to want to take up crochet with me.

Just then, Detective 2.0 and Detective Lezzie Badass show up to talk to Ashley. Hanna’s all, “She’s not home” which is stupid. The detectives aren’t buying it. There’s a distinct scent of Ashley in the house. Plus her car is in the driveway. Caleb, who actually comes up with a decent lie, claims that he drove it over because the speakers were shorting out. They also could have said she was out with friends.

Here come the Men in Black,
galaxy defenders. Here come the Men in Black, they won’t let you remember

Ashley walks in just after the detectives leave and everyone exchanges meaningful glances. If I could convey this much through meaningful glances with people I probably wouldn’t spend so much time monologuing about my sex life to my friends.

She’s All That 2: She’s All Thater.

Out in the dark scary woods, Spencer and Aria follow Melissa to Hector’s house. The see Melissa drag a bag of something out. It’s too small to be Hector but too big to be dinner leftovers. It’s probably just her purse.

Big bag of dildos.

Spencer skips off to follow Melissa while Aria goes inside the studio. The reason for which is vague.

This studio is the perfect place to film my zombie apocalypse porn

Now either Hector doesn’t get as many models as he wants, or he’s doing a little extra business on the side because Aria, well, she finds something a bit different. A whole room full of masks of Alison. So much for breaking the mold after she died.

Now kiss.

As part of the Liars’ new campaign to stop hiding and start confronting, Aria confronts Hector with the Ali mask. He explains that he broke the mold but kept the castings. Apparently the bro loves a pretty face.

Alright, chill out. But don’t act like this all didn’t seem sketchy before.

Aria asks if Alison ever came with anyone else. This, of course, cues a pastel flashback. Alison storms into Hector’s office demanding her money for posing for the mask.  You know Hector is younger and dumber because he’s wearing a cool-kid backwards hat. Ever noticed how Alison always needs money?

I would love to give you your money but I just spent it all on tickets to Bonnaroo.

Ali takes whatever money Hector had on him at the time, hopped in a car with someone else and hit Rt 30. That, of course, was the last he saw of Alison. Obviously  it was the summer she disappeared. Seems like nothing ever happened in Rosewood prior to that year.

Damn bro. That girl can run. This shit is mad dope.

While Aria speaks with Hector, Spencer confronts Melissa. Melissa stands on the doc and smashes, one by one, masks of herself. That’s what was in the sack. Tons and tons of unpainted masks.

When the question was “Do you want to go have girl sex in the bathroom?

Spencer demands answers from Melissa, and  Aria demands them from Hector. Between the two conversations it’s revealed that Melissa went to visit Hector after seeing the Ali mask on the Halloween Train. Melissa had made the same deal Emily made; she traded her face for answers.

If sweetened juice made from lemons is called lemonade, why isn’t orange juice called Grapefruitade?

Actually we get a lot of answers. Like the kind of answers I never expected to get until the season finale. I almost don’t know what to do with myself.

Shit We Learned This Episode
2. Melissa and some others were scared of Wilden
3. Melissa and Wilden were both the Queen of Hearts on the A Train
4. Wilden tried to kill the Liars on the A Train
5. Wilden started the fire at the lodge
6. Jenna and Shana were at the lodge spying on the Liars

The punchline here seems to be that Melissa has been trying to protect Spencer all along. That perhaps she and the people she went to high school with are in their own version of Pretty Little Liars. Also maybe she killed Wilden. Unclear.

Even I know the questions on this show are never going to be answered, Spencer. And I’m only in like every tenth episode!

Aria returns and Melissa skedaddles. Melissa is so going to die, right?

Starsweep across town to Rosewood High. Looks like they don’t lock the doors at school at night, because Paige is swimming? Emily and Paige sit poolside. Emily is filled with guilt and self loathing. Paige is filled with adorableness and chlorine. It’s a nice pair.

Then we could ship them as they recovered in the hospital together!

Paige tells Emily she’ll find a new dream, but Emily is concerned that she’ll resent Paige from up in the stands. I want to reach through the TV and shake Emily and tell her that your dreams change. It’s okay that your dreams change. Actually, it’s amazing. If my dreams hadn’t changed since high school I’d be a mechanical engineer slash professional jazz musician. That wouldn’t be so bad, but there are new dreams, maybe better dreams, and plenty! Hasn’t this girl heard “The Circle Game”?!

In season one I was trying to drown you! Now I’m just trying to get fingers inside you!

Paige tells Emily it’s going to be okay. As usual, this means it is so not going to be okay.

Now come on you. I’ll go put some dry clothes on and we can go over to my house and listen to some Sarah Mclachlan.

Emily shows up and her parents are with the police. Someone heard all the shouting and called in a domestic dispute.

Listen officer, I know what this looks like, but actually I’m just a teen lesbian trying to get my bang on.

This is so going to cut into my screen time.

Spencer and Aria get back home and Melissa is gone. A texts the two some cryptic bullshit along the lines of, “Melissa isn’t A.” Well duh.

Candy Crunch is so addictive.

“Sorry this isn’t a sext”

It’s a school night, but no one has curfews so Hanna busts in. She’s being all scared and squirelly and tells them that she thinks her mom killed Wilden. I roll my eyes because not only does this mean Ashley definitely did not kill Wilden, I still think that A killed him herself. A just does shit like that.

The only kind of blow job I ever wanna see.

Last scene of the episode shows A, as usual. This time A is Making a Thing— gluing back together a Melissa Mask.

Shit We Learned This Episode
1. Wilden is Canadian
2. Melissa and some others were scared of Wilden
3. Melissa and Wilden were both the Queen of Hearts on the A Train
4. Wilden tried to kill the Liars on the A Train
5. Wilden started the fire at the lodge
6. Jenna and Shana were at the lodge spying on the Liars
7. Paige swims alone in the dark

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