Pretty Little Liars 114: Careful What U Wish 4, U Mite Have 2 Recap This Episode 3 Days Late

First of all I HATE IT WHEN TV SHOWS USE TEXTSPEAK IN THEIR TITLES. It’s not cute or clever. It’s lame. This week was not heavy on lesbian content although for the first time since the show’s launch, our Lesbian Lead — AND DARE I SAY IT THE ENTIRE CAST — displayed hints of what we like to call “personality.” Yes, behind the Precious Moments eyes, the frequently-mentioned-by-me SHIMMERING LOCKS OF HAIR and the impeccable skin and teeth we may find nuance. Especially when someone gets drunk!

As per ushe, we will be covering “the lesbian parts” which right now just means “the lesbian character” because her girlfriend has been shipped off to some kind of rehabilitation center in the woods for kids who smoke the reefer. It’s called “True North.” Suspiciously enough (it’s the music, this show is constantly playing this “everything is suspicious” music) — Emily is having trouble getting ahold of Maya the Maidenwoodnorthflower.

Well, She Does Have AT&T and Their Network is Totally Clogged by iPhones, So That’s Probs It

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We hope it’s not an ex-gay camp, right? Because Maya’s hippie parents wouldn’t ever send her to an ex-gay camp. Right? Right. Okay.

Emily says they’ve taken away Maya’s phone so the only people she can talk to are her parents.

Hannah then, strangely, for NO REASON WHAT-SO-FUCKING-EVER, transitions Emily’s concerns about not talking to Maya into an offer to hook up Emily’s Phone with the New Guy in School so that The New Guy can give Emily’s phone “more memory” and “apps.”

Probably The New Guy is gonna go straight home and upload this sucker.

PHONESPRETTYLITTLERICHGIRLSGAVEME DOT TUMBLR DOT COM

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Although Emily never expressed a desire for additional applications or ringtones on her mobile telephone, she is now waiting apparently several days to have her phone “pimped out.” That’s why she looks so sad here, as she strolls down the cobblestone streets with her dry-cleaner and Pride Shoulderbag to demand The New Guy give that shit back ’cause she has to call Maya.

Guy: “Where is she, rehab?”

Emily: “No, it’s not like rehab — it’s like — who told you rehab?”

Guy: “A cushy town like this? I’m guessing rehab is the new “boarding school.””

Emily: “Well, it’s not. She’s not a pothead. She shouldn’t even be there.”

What would “pothead rehab” even be like?
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The gang comes together at the Dance Marathon, which involves students with numbers on their backs sort of reluctantly tapping their feet back and forth. The girls have a mission to retrieve Spencer’s laptop from Ian, who stole it because he killed Allison or had rough sex with Allison or just tossed Allison into the dirt and then ran off while someone else killed Allison or is A. or killed Laura Palmer or Mr. Burns or shot the Sheriff but didn’t shoot the deputy or killed Jenny or did absolutely nothing besides be just another boring-looking white dude on this show. White dudes, they all look the same, amirite?

The dance marathon thing is not like this, FYI:

Later on, Emily’s finally gotten ahold of Maya but their conversation was apparently disappointing. Spencer, who’s Especially Responsible and Grown-Up this episode, finds Emily sulking in the alley.

Emily: “It was like she was there… but she wasn’t.”

Spencer: “Oh sweetie, she’s in wilderness boot camp, you know, she’s been talking to bears. And besides I bet her counselor was probably watching her the whole time.”

Emily: “No, she was alone. Maybe she’s moved on.”

This is problematic — because first of all, who cares about that brand-new Jessie J ringtone if nobody’s even blowin’ up your phone. And secondly, we haven’t seen any other actual lesbians in her school, so this significantly decreases our chances of having minimal chaste lesbian content to over-analyze and bitch about. Lucas seems kinda lez, though.

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Listen, You Can Always Go Back to Having Crushes on Straight Girls.

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Now that a girl has made Emily’s heart hurt, Emily turns to THE DRINK (Hannah’s got a flask) and gets really sassy.

Firstly, Sassy Emily wants to know why Hannah’s dancing with Lucas when Hannah knows how much Lucas likes her.  (A. has made Hannah a Temp Escort for the night, long story) Then Emily brings up Allison, who used to do that straight-girl-teasing-her-gay-BFF routine you all know so well, which is the first time she’s brought it up since the initial outing. It’s a nice touch — every girl has their own specific resentment towards Allison, and it’s interesting how at least for these two, Allison focused on things they couldn’t control (body type, sexuality) to wield absolute power over them while faking comradeship.

Emily: “Allison did the same thing to me. It makes you feel powerful, huh?”
Hannah: “No. Just the opposite.”
Emily: “It’s too bad she’s not here tonight, Allison would have been really proud of you.”

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He Ran Into My Knife Nine Times

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After emptying Hannah’s flask into her empty heart, Emily decides to tell Ian, the Number One Murder Suspect, how she really feels. Why? Because “he shouldn’t be here. He’s not a chaperone, he’s a killer. Why is Toby at home wearing a [something] while this freak can go anywhere he wants, do whatever he wants, marry your sister [Spencer]!”

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Do Not Even Fuck With Me, My Girlfriend is in Boot Camp Right Now

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Spencer cleans up that mess as Emily is taken outside by her bestbestfriends.
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Emily refuses to go home because that’s what you do when your Mom sends your girlfriend into the wilderness and also, as aforementioned, she’s drunkity drunk  drunk.

The highlight of the episode is when Emily yells “I CAN OPEN MY OWN DAMN DOOR” and then proceeds to not be able to open her own damn door.+

THANK GOD THIS DIDN’T BECOME A DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES SITUATION

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Back at Spencer’s, Emily gives Hannah drunky rage eyes and gets her phone to call Maya, who I imagine is asleep, but whatever.

Emily: “Hannah, those things I said to you in the courtyard –“

Hannah: “Don’t apologize. You were right. The truth is, I was worse than Allison tonight, if that’s even possible. And I do know how Lucas feels about me. It wasn’t messing with him for fun, I had to–“

But Emily’s already asleep, probably dreaming about Shane.

Here’s something nice for you. I cried for no reason.

Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2714 articles for us.

30 Comments

  1. “The girls have a mission to retrieve Spencer’s laptop from Ian, who stole it because he killed Allison or had rough sex with Allison or just tossed Allison into the dirt and then ran off while someone else killed Allison or is A. or killed Laura Palmer or Mr. Burns or shot the Sheriff but didn’t shoot the deputy or killed Jenny or did absolutely nothing besides be just another boring-looking white dude on this show. White dudes, they all look the same, amirite?”

    amazing. glad you decided to write this.

    • Spencer is beyond hot. My sister and I spent the whole episode trying to describe her beauty.. it’s something about it. We came up with regal and elegant. At first I thought she was the least of attractive but now I find her the most beautiful.

      The teacher and the blackmail boy do look the same. But my babe Tobi is in a class all his own. Love him.

      • I would assume we are talking about a “house arrest” situation which means he has on one of those ankle “bracelets” that are GPS units connected to the local police dept.

        • words on this show don’t make sense.

          a lojack is a secret electronic device hidden in your car that silently alerts the police when your car is stolen. it’s NOT an ankle bracelet monitor.

          also, this pimp my phone business so i can call me gf makes no sense unless that creepy dude secretly works for att or something.

          • I’ve heard TV and movie characters using “Lojack” as a slang term for the ankle thing used on people. Maybe it’s just a Hollywood writer slang term…probably it is/was used at some place or point in time and has been picked up by at least one writer. Both the car lojack and the ankle monitors are based on GPS transmission, so at least the slang makes some sort of sense.

          • it should be noted that emily is wasted when she’s saying all of this.

            a lot of the show doesn’t make sense, but i’d totally call that thingy a lojack if i was tipsy on the booze.

  2. Was I the only one wondering why they didn’t get the new guy to trace A’s number for them since he has all these mad skills when it comes to phones? Too sensible? Okay.

  3. Agreeing with Billy, I too am a motherfucker and will comment. I like this silly little show (for reasons even I do not know) but I like your recaps even more.. Thanks!!

  4. I don’t think the new guy was blowing up Em’s phone with new apps and mad memory, but finding a way to circumvent the block on Maya’s phone that only let her receive calls from her parental units. Yes? No? Too sensical?

    Anyways, I liked DrunkEmily. Almost as much as I used to love DrunkJoeyPotter.

  5. Emily is almost as tall sitting down as Aria is standing up. I like that in a woman.

    I am pretty sure the preview for next week had some chick flirting with Em. So she won’t be lonely for long.

  6. I do care about this show because it’s so freaking ridiculous! I love it. They’re so damn dumb and clueless, I would have find out who this A was ages ago….but anyways, I love it. And Emily is gorgeous.

    Where’s Veronica Mars when you need her?

    Thank you Riese, you bright up my day.

  7. The longer this goes the lesser the impact of the climax. The further they dig the hole the more I don;t care. Lets wrap it up already.

    Also
    -Where’s Toby?
    -Since when does Hannah drink enough to carry a flask of liquor?
    -Since when does Emily a drink? This whole Mya situation is dumb.
    -Aria acted like an immature jealous brat. NOT ATTRACTIVE!
    -Hannah is the fasted healing bitch in America, just two weeks ago her leg were shattered and now she is rocking 4 inch stilettos. WTF?

    I’m about to bail on this show.

  8. generic looking white guys! girls who respond to every conflict by opening their eyes real wide and pouting slightly! unbelievably illegal shit happening but it’s okay because everyone is so good looking!

    i’m sorry, ian is a dirty dirty pervy boy but eli is okay because he’s more attractive? it don’t make no sense.

    (god, i love this show!)

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