Felix and Sarah go back to the river to drink more beers and talk about S’s treachery and figure out how to break into a super top secret privately funded military compound and rescue Helena. Delphine calls and promises to throw the full weight of her new straight hair superpowers behind the search for Helena if Sarah will just please come to DYAD tonight and pretend to be Rachel for like ten minutes. Felix is whispering, “Tell her you didn’t even finish high school!” And Sarah is all, “Fine. I’ll be your Rachel, but don’t fuck it up.” And Delphine is like, “You don’t fuck it up!” And then they race to see who can hang up on the other one first.
In Felix’s apartment, Kira is crawling around with a metal tank of some kind, which I thought was Cosima’s highly compressed oxygen situation that was sure to blow the literal roof off of this joint by the end of the season, but my friend (and Orphan Black OG) Valerie told me she thinks it’s Helena’s harvested eggs and the key to curing Leda Lung Syndrome because of unicorn stem cells like what Kira has in her body. That’s a good smart theory, right? I think she’s correct.
While Kira is playing with the tank, Scott shows up to see how bad Cosima is dying today, and it’s not too bad at all, actually.
Cosima: I’ve stopped taking French lessons though. Waste of time.
Scott: Right. See. Here’s the thing. This job is like one-half getting killed by science armies and one-half lesbian drama, so I think maybe I just want to stay in school.
Cosima: That’s because I haven’t shown you the cipher hidden in this pulpy sci-fi book that was the property of Duncan.
Cosima: So you’ll stay and work with me?
Scott: Until I am stabbed to death later this week, yes.
Cosmia: Word. I’m going to hide this book right out in the open here, in this apartment where the lock on the door is just a screwdriver.
In the ‘burbs, Allison tells Donnie he’s got to go back to work so they can pay their mortgage, but he has a better idea: He thinks she should go to work with her mom again at the store called “Bubbles.” She shoots that idea right out of the sky, and he’s just about to propose that they become a team of contract hit men when Delphine calls the ClonePhone.
Felix makes over Sarah to look like Rachel, but not before Sarah confirms for the sixteenth time that Delphine is going to help her with Helena. Felix settles on a white suit and gives Sarah a wig that’s like the Kohls version of Rachel’s Saks hair.
Sarah as Rachel meets with Ferdinand and pretty much the first thing out of her mouth is, “Castor kidnapped Helena.” But he doesn’t give a shit. He just wants to see Sarah and her magical ovaries with his own eyes and get going. Problem? No. Because Delphine has recruited Alison to stand in for Sarah.
She straight up goes, “Oi! Oi! Rachel!” And then tries and fails to keep Sarah’s accent during the interrogation. When Ferdinand starts feeling her up to see if she had her surgery yet, she loses it on him. Okay, and then Tatiana Maslany pretending to be one character pretending to be another character slaps her own self (who is pretending to be a different character pretending to be a different character) right in the face. And you feel the weight and hilarity of the whole thing because all four of these characters have distinct voices and mannerisms and personalities and, like, even when you’re just looking at their eyeballs, you know what is happening. You can see Alison’s eyes as Sarah’s eyes going, “You did not just slap me. And Sarah’s eyes as Rachel’s eyes going, “Look, I’m sorry, but what else was I going to do?” You can hear their very individual voices BY LOOKING AT ONLY THEIR EYES.
Gods balls, how? How does Tatiana Maslany do it? Don’t tell me to stop marveling about it because it’s season three. I will not and I never shall stop marveling about it!
Delphine pulls Ferdinand out into the hallway and explains that they were unable to remove Sarah’s ovaries because she is ovulating and they’ll get on with it soon enough. He makes plans to hang out with Rachel tonight, while they wait for the surgery.
Sarah: I’m just hanging out in Rachel’s apartment waiting for this dumb fuck to get here so I can probably claw him to death. You okay, Allison?
Allison: Rattled, but fine. Rehab and killing a person have steadied my nerves.
Cosima: We really can only trust each other.
Sarah: And Helena. We’ve got to find her.
Allison: We will. I’m going to decompress by listening to death metal while I scrapbook.
Cosima: I love you guys.
Sarah: Yeah, I love you too.
Allison: Me too. Talk soon.
Ferdinand shows up wanting to have sex and talk about Helsinki. It’s the code name for this thing that happened like ten years ago where some clones in Helsinki started acting out, so Topside went in and killed them all, and like 40 other people as collateral damage. That’s what Rachel was planning for these Toronto-based clones on account of them gaining self-awareness and falling in sestra-love with each other. And, in fact, Canadian Helsinki is underway right this second. A hit man is hanging out in Alison’s backyard, in fact. Realizing that she’s only got about five seconds to act, Sarah makes the split-second decision to 50 Shades of Rachel him, kicking him in the balls and wrapping a belt around his neck for sexual purposes. But actually for murder purposes.
While this is happening, Delphine is visiting Rachel in the hospital. She didn’t bring balloons or flowers or a teddy bear or a get well card. She brought only the fingers on her bare hands, which she uses to push on the bandage covering Rachel’s now-missing eyeball, so she’ll start talking about what she knows about Helsinki. There was this one time in an elevator when Delphine said to Rachel that if she tried to stand in the way of curing Cosima, she was going to take it personally. So now she’s seriously poking her thumb into Rachel’s brain and legit going, “I told you it was personal, bitch.”
After Delphine gets the deets on Helsinki, she flies over to Rachel’s apartment, bursts through the door where Sarah is strangling Ferdinand, and goes, “Get up, come on, stop crying, let’s go. Call off Helsinki.”
And he does.
Once he’s gone, Sarah whips off that wig and feels only a little bummed out that Allison has still killed more people than her.
And at Project Castor HQ, Pupok the Scorpion congratulates Helena for leveling up to a bigger box.
And at DYAD, the Castor clone with the ‘stache shows up to break out Rudy.
Next week: One of the Castor people tries to convince Helena that her sestras sold her out, and so she fuels up on Jello and murders every one of them.