Halloween’s around the corner and you’ve done close to nothing to prepare. You’ve already seen a number of Antler Queens on your For Your Page, along with several Bottoms characters in rugby shirts, nonbinary droplets of water (thank you, Disney), and some others who make you ask yourself, “Are they Weird Barbie or do they Just Look Like That?”
Don’t panic, because I’ve got your back with some queer halloween costumes that you can throw together in minutes before heading out the door for your overpriced all-queer Halloween event that you’ll spend an hour waiting in line for despite purchasing tickets two months in advance. Enjoy!
Dress Up as Your Ex Using All of the Clothes They Left Behind Six Years Ago
Listen, I know it, you know it, your therapist knows it, a quarter of your wardrobe belongs to your ex. These finger-me-down items may typically be reserved for sleeping or sitting in a chair staring out of a window as the seasons pass by to the tune of “Possibility” by Lykke Li – but trust, they’d make a great Halloween costume. But don’t stop there, check your shower drain. I bet there’s enough there to make a believable wig. Just be sure to coordinate with your friend group to make sure you’re not planning to be the same ex.
Dress Up as Your Ex’s Ex Using Pretty Much the Same Clothes
In the event that your ex is already claimed by a friend (classic), dress up as your ex’s ex because let’s face it, half of those clothes came from them first.
Dress Up as Your Favorite Celebrity That Was Accused of Queer Baiting This Year
Suspend your understanding of the appropriate uses of the term queerbaiting for a moment, you’re in a pinch afterall. Did your favorite celeb make a music video set at an all-girls sleepover this year? Maybe they played a teenage bisexual character without releasing a detailed record of their dating history? Perhaps someone you stan wore a skirt instead of pants to a red carpet event? That’s your villain costume right there. Note: this costume might perform best on the internet.
Dress Up as Your High School English Teacher
The fun thing about this one is that your whole friend group can do it and you’ll still look unique. You see, “high school English teacher” isn’t so much a look as it is a vibe. To execute the best high school English teacher costume, all you’ll need is a library card, an unfinished novel, a fiancé, a limited edition Starbucks to-go cup, and an earnest promise to stay in touch after graduation.
Dress Up as Your Barista Crush, Then Go Visit Them on Their Shift
It’s been two months and you’ve tried absolutely everything. You’ve shown up, you’ve waited in line, hell… you’ve even ordered your coffee AND gave your name (except for that one time you nervously gave the wrong name). If none of those flirting techniques have worked for you, here’s one last ditch effort: go get your septum pierced, find a black smith’s apron, and clock in for love.
Dress Up as the “Perfect Guy” the Straight Best Friend You Were in Love With Would Describe at Sleepovers
Proceed with caution… this costume idea is not for the faint of heart. Side effects may include: wondering what could have been, stalking her on Facebook, weird feelings about gender, and stalking her husband on Facebook.
Dress Up as Your Favorite Queer Sports Star
I’m not talking about Megan Rapinoe, Brittney Griner, Billie Jean King, etc. because they would all be on a list of Recognizable Queer Halloween Costumes Mostly Everyone Will Understand. No, I’m talking about the highschool cheerleading captain who came out quietly after graduation, the soccer teammate who was “too busy for boys,” or even the college rugby player who tried to flirt with you five times before you realized she was gay.
Dress Up as the Hobby You Pretended to Like for Them
Okay simp, pick yourself up off the floor and go get laid. No costume? No problem. You have at least $800 worth of hobby supplies laying around your apartment just from your last situationship. Clear the dust bunnies and take your pick: crocheter, yogi, rock climber, candlemaker… and then maybe leave it all behind before going home. Seriously, you’re running out of storage space.
Dress Up as the Lead Character in Your Unpublished Queer Novel/Screenplay/Fanfic
You’ve imagined them, written them, re-written them, and now it’s time to be them. Pick your favorite character from the slew of documents you keep in that one desktop folder and bring them to life. Will anyone know who you are? Absolutely not, but what better way to introduce and workshop your lead character to the world? Sounds like a win-win to me.