feature image via shutterstock
Analogies are like a good kitchen knife — if you know what you’re doing, they can make you look like a master of your art. If you don’t, you’re just going to hurt yourself and bleed on the vegetables. As marriage equality has marched forward over the last few years, we’ve been treated to a wide variety of laughably bad analogies from the Republican party trying to convince the public of the dangers of letting two women wear white on the same day. According to the GOP, gay marriage is like: incest, a man marrying a dog, polygamy, the Dred Scott decision, ugly golf clubs, a salad bar, and bad math. Fortunately, the steady rise in the number of states with legal same-sex marriage has not yet lead to the apocalyptic scenarios so many have predicted.
Of course, that isn’t stopping members of the Republican party from obsessing about gay weddings (and not in the way that we’re all obsessed with Brittney Griner’s wedding). As 2008 GOP Presidential bummer Mike Huckabee gears up for another bid to lose in 2016, he’s been making gay marriage a focus of his speeches. In a CNN appearance on Sunday, Huckabee tried to show that he doesn’t exclude gay people from his circle of friends:
“People can be my friends who have lifestyles that are not necessarily my lifestyle. I don’t shut people out of my circle or out of my life because they have a different point of view. I don’t drink alcohol, but gosh — a lot of my friends, maybe most of them, do. You know, I don’t use profanity, but believe me, I’ve got a lot of friends who do. Some people really like classical music and ballet and opera — it’s not my cup of tea.”
Mr. Huckabee is very progressive for willingly tolerating people who engage in the legal activities of alcohol consumption, cursing, and listening to classical music, opera, and ballet. He deserves our praise and admiration. I bet he even shows off his swearing friend, drinking friend, and classical-music-enjoying friend at parties to demonstrate that he’s not bigoted against drinkers, people with potty-mouths, and people with good taste. They may even be the same person to save time and travel costs. I wonder when Mike is going to start referring to that friend as aberrant, unnatural, and icky, like he has his gay friends. I bet it’ll be any day now. After all, aberrant is just a fancy word for “not my cup of tea.”
When Huckabee was asked about the possibility of “evolving” views on gay marriage, he responded:
“This is not just a political issue. It is a biblical issue. And as a biblical issue — unless I get a new version of the scriptures, it’s really not my place to say, OK, I’m just going to evolve. It’s like asking someone who’s Jewish to start serving bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli. We don’t want to do that — I mean, we’re not going to do that. Or like asking a Muslim to serve up something that is offensive to him, or to have dogs in his backyard.”
By the reasoning in his statement, every single queer person who gets married is personally violating Mr Huckabee’s religious principles, much like how every person who has ever eaten bacon-wrapped shrimp has done so in an attempt to directly insult the Jewish faith. (This explains also why Jewish and Muslim politicians and community leaders have been so committed to campaigns making sure that other people of other faith traditions are legally prohibited from eating pork.) It must be because all the laws and court orders that have legalized same-sex marriage in the US have specified that Mike Huckabee must personally officiate every single ceremony. Not only is that unfair, but it must be terribly exhausting for him. No wonder he’s so upset. Anyway, I’m looking forward to the rest of Huckabee’s biblically-based platform. It’s about time we stood up and rid our country of the scourge of pork roast, short hair, beardless faces, ripped jeans, and mixed-fiber fabrics! I’m sure he’s just been too busy to talk about the rest of those things, what with having to officiate all those gay weddings.
Don’t worry, Mike — my wedding is in Canada, so you’re off the hook for May 30th. I’d suggest you rest up, though. You might be a busy man in June.