Babysitting adult-sized baby Tamsin is so much more fun than baby-sized baby Tamsin. Or, at least productive? She’s playing word search through the light fae’s police records and discovers that Lauren’s been remotely checking her voicemail from the payphones in a certain region.
Dirty! I just found 80085!
Now that child play’s over, Tamsin wants to get to the hard-hitting questions. She wants to figure out what she was like in her old life, if Dyson and Bo were ever a thing and if she’s the prettiest princess in the land. Dyson tells her that she was a powerful monster in her previous life, that he and Bo stopped being a thing once that old lady and her tree took away his manhood and that she is definitely the prettiest princess ever and one day she’ll find the prince(ss) to make her feel that way.
Eeew. Just a princess, thanks.
It’s wet T-shirt vinyl jacket time at Lauren’s, as Bo needs Kenz to rinse off the glittery crotch cream so she can walk through the front door.
Damnit, I was hoping for a second contestant.
But while Kenz is off gathering eye of newt and toe of frog, Bo starts rifling through Lauren’s desk, duh! I keep innocuous receipts in my drawers, but of course Bo comes across a never-gifted present that shows just how much Lauren cared for Bo before she had to dump Bo for being a frigid bitch! Ha haaa!
You know you’d do it too. If you really want to judge her for something, try the peplummed-corset.
So 0f course a gargoyle appears when the light goes out. They’re really judgemental, ya know?
They also aren’t fans of dark lip liner or Ugg Boots.
But before Bo can determine who’s responsible for fucking with her electricity and/or her meds, Kenzi’s back! She cobbles together an eyeball, a doohickey and a thingamadoodle and bam! The curse or whatever is lifted.
Alohomora eyeballthingus!
The cameras do a starwipe to Tamsin breaking out of the police station, and then it’s right back to Lauren’s. Kenz start to apologize for the whole fire door thing, but she manages to segue to all of the thieving she’s done to pay Massimo for her fae habit. Before Bo can chastise her for robbing their friend, she switches topics to “us.”
I’ve been feeling a lot of feels lately.
It’s Feelings O’Clock and all of the pain and hurt and guilt — and possible sexual tension — that Kenzi’s been feeling comes spurting out. She’s tired of playing sidekick to someone that isn’t even there to protect her. She just wants to gain some superpowers so she can stop fearing for her life. She just wants to be taken seriously and gain some independence, not be treated as a lesser than or a child. Oh, and she kissed Bo’s bf.
And I’ve been feeling like you haven’t been feeling my feelings.
Instead of hearing, “Hey I want to be a better person for you, and sometimes that involves being my own person, or fae in this case.” Bo just hears that Kenz kissed her wolf. Ugh, and it’s high school all over again.
Whoops. It’s kind of hard to stop confessing when you’re on a roll.
Kenzi starts having that conversation we’ve all had with our straight best friends, where all of a sudden she has a boyfriend and you totally miss her, but the amount you miss her doesn’t really make sense for being “friends.” But in your heart of hearts it’s because you totally felt something more and you thought she did too, so you’re super frustrated that you don’t get the same quality time with her because she’s hanging out with that stupid dude! And you want her back in your life but it’s really really really hard to admit that there’s anything more than platonic between you two, and you obviously can’t ask your friend to choose you over their boyfriend, so all you can really do is complain and hurt without being able to elaborate.
Or wait, was I the only one getting that subtext?
I feel uncomfortable for all three of us right now.
Before I Kenz can embarrass herself anymore, Dyson calls with an Amber Alert on Tamsin. She’s missing and Bo soon realizes that the flamey welcome mat was supposed to keep them quarantined so Massimo could go after the newly born and weakened valkyrie!
Massimo swings by Chez Ken to pick up Tamsin. And just like a magpie, she totally trusts anyone with a shiny shirt and/or object.
Ooh Candy Crush.
So of course he kidnaps her, tapes her to a chair and gets ready to harvest her hair.
I’ve been taking hair sculpting lessons from Somer.
Bo swoops in to save the day and prevent Faeby’s First Scalping, but it looks like Tamsin’s the one that has it under control! Mossimo goes for Tamsin’s throat, then Bo’s throat, until Tamsin evolves yet again to show her true self.
Oh now I understand the appeal of VS models.
Before we wrap up the show, let’s finish that Saw crossover. Apparently Lauren’s solved that elder’s health problem with a simple prescription of Stop Eating Your Relatives You Ignorant Cannibal. She goes into Level 9 Sass Mode and lays out how this super simple problem’s solution was self-evident, so someone’s just fucking around with her.
Oh no you diiiiin’t!
Her guess is Hale, but apparently he ain’t that mean.
(Psst. I’m still betting on Trick)
Tamsin goes Carrie on Massimo’s ass, contorting herself into the Harbinger of Death. He didn’t even need to be pelt her with tampons for the upgrade!
I wish the Puberty Fairy had brought me murder skills instead of zits.
But before can murder him with whatever-that-thing-her-face-does-that-kills-people, Bo goes in for a hug to calm the little girl down. Seriously, a hug with Bo(obs) can fix anything.
Um, still kind of hot? I dunno.
But that isn’t to say that Bo’s trying to save Massimo. In fact, she just tells Tamsin to take some crayons and hang out in the car with earphones on while mommy and daddy “have a discussion.” He reveals that the kickass angel wings means Tamsin’s on her last life and that all of those gargoyles are working for someone that Bo has pissed off.
But enough chatter, Bo wants to punish him. And apparently all it takes to destroy this druid is to take away the Valkyrie hair. What was once a sleazy car salesman is now a weird, sobbing man child. Emphasis on “man” because Massimo isn’t fae at all!
He says some boring nonsensical things, before Bo tosses the hair into the fire. I can’t tell what’s more disturbing, him jumping into the fire, or calling for his mommy while he does it.
Probs the mom thing.
Which leaves Bo with a tell-tale smirk on her face.
Now it’s story arc wrapping up time! Kenz visits Bo at the gym, where they put all of that sad, gushy embarrassing stuff behind them, and get on with their lives.
I’m getting tired. Let’s just wrap this up.
Kenz visits Dyson at their place, where she confides in him about all of her uncomfortable human feelings. He vaguely hints that she doesn’t need to be fae to fit in, but doesn’t elaborate beyond that. All he’ll do is help her “when the time’s right.”
It’s like a promise ring.
But on that heartwarming note, he lost Lauren. Crap.
Bo walks into the Una Mens chambers, giving a slight nod to their taste in gargoyles and moist heat.
I could help you install some carpet to match the drapes.
Sounds like she’s been planning out a sassy script for a while, so before the dungeon master can really say anything, she goes into a speech about how she does what she wants and says what she wants because she’s her own person. How very Miley of her.
Because we can’t stop, because we won’t stop.
The dungeon master’s wondering why the fuck she’s there without an appointment. They didn’t call her up because they no longer see her as a problem. More specifically? No longer unaligned.
Uh yeah, you didn’t get our voicemail cancelling?
Bo’s just as surprised as I am to realize her Unaligned Succubus™ sash is revoked. The dungeon master says that she “signed on” to the dark side, leaving Bo with that face you get when you realize you might have drunk-dialed your boss the previous weekend.
Oh fuck, I saw a missed call to grandma too!
Maybe she’ll figure out how to read her phone history in episode 405.
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When the Ga(y)rgoyle appeared I may or may not had a flashback to the ‘Blink’ episode of Doctor Who. They just somehow instantly reminded me of the Weeping Angels.
“Dear God time crawls when you’re watching a show without a coherent storyline.” Truth.
I don’t even care, I love this show dude