Welcome to the fourth episode of Lost Girl, the scifi show that’s helping me cope with the fact that my adorable teensy kitten is now, in fact, incredibly ass-vibratingly fertile. Last time we checked in, my cat wasn’t the only pussy demanding some play. Lauren and Betty finally fucked which should have started off an adorable spinoff series about a small town waitress that gets swept off her feet by a shy city slicker with magic fingers, but instead Betty got Lauren kidnapped. Lame.

You know what brightens my mood? Hitting things. Seems like Bo feels the same way. She’s sparring with Dyson, trying to make sense of the thirty mysteries they’ve lobbed at us this season. Like, who are the Una Mens? Why doesn’t Lauren call anymore? And most importantly, who should Bo fuck next?

After about two punches, they switch to that other great American past-time: speaking in double entendres.

And then just straight up fucking.

Nothing sets the mood like contracting ringworm. But apparently Dyson and Bo aren’t the the only ones taking advantage of 24 Hour Fitness. This gargoyle? Surprisingly not part of the resurgence in gothic gym decor.

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Tamsin’s evolving faster than my Tamogatchi, and at two weeks old, already has more height and hair than I ever will. Kenzi’s playing the ever important role model, trying to help TamTam recover her memories, but also making sure our preteen twerks at a college level.

But even this type of fae-bysitting gets boring, so she suggests celebrating Bo’s triumphant return with dranks at the Dall. Tamsin wisely opts for X-Files instead.

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Bo and Kenzi arrive at the Dall, and surprise surprise, the tavern run by her grandfather is fresh out of orgies. But with a flick of her finger and an iPod she manages to get everyone to strip down to their skivvies for the practicum section of Twerking 102. 

While Bo tries to finagle a threesome and/or a foursome and/or a moresome, the Druid shows up. I’m sort of impressed by how many polyester suits one man can have in 2014.

Kenz is sick of all of Massimo’s dollar store glitter and insists on some real abilities. He could give her something more permanent, but he’s not willing to tap his Martha Stewart Crafts-level professional stash until she makes good on her previous debts. Obviously Kenz disagrees with these payment terms, which probably explains why she’s still living in an abandoned loft without real walls.

But speaking of Chez Kenz, Tamsin’s visited by two incredibly calm men in balaclavas. Before they can react or blink or do anything, she dispenses of them with a flick of her mane. You know, #JustValkeryieThings.

But apparently Faeby’s First Murder isn’t a milestone to be taken lightly. By the time Bo and Kenzi return from zig-a-zig-ah-ing and showing off Kenzi’s glitter fingers, Tamsin’s evolved into her adult form.

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Bo heads to the police station to get to the bottom of this heinous crime. Oh yeah, someone ransacked their home and stole all of their carefully curated thrift shop furniture. Sorry if I forgot to mention that. You can’t blame Tamsin for that distraction.

They initially suspect the Una Mens, but the council’s more of the Crate & Barrel-type. Dyson suggests humans since Trick’s DIY flame security system only works against fae, but they don’t really pursue it either. But now that they’e exhausted their only two leads, Dyson and Bo get back to talking dirrrrty. Or, as dirty as you can when you’re in front of a child and your writers aspire to create porn for suburban moms.

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Lauren and Crystal wake up on the set of Saw VII. They struggle to remove their shackles and Crystal laments that this is all her fault because they “said they wouldn’t hurt” Lauren. Dude, did you think they were going to kidnap Lauren to take her to Sonic?

But before Lauren can initiate a fight so they can initiate make up sex, a disembodied voice — which sounds suspiciously like Trick amirite? — welcomes Lauren back. Aww, it’s just like Cheers where everyone knows your name and ankle cuff size!

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Kenzi’s taking her glitter elsewhere and some kidnappers have the exact same plan. So they load her into the back of their van, berating her for mounting debt and shitty credit score.

But duh, Bo intervenes. First rule of kidnapping: Make sure your panelled van’s windows are blacked out. Second rule of kidnapping: Don’t take the Unaligned Succubus™’s pet human.

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Kenzi fingers Massimmo as the instigator of Plan Kidnap the Glittery Human, which means the druid needs to set two extra places for chili night.

You wanna know my favourite way of keeping my dinner guests relaxed? Reminding them that I’ve poisoned them before. Yup, Best Host 2014 Massimmo tells Bo that the only reason she went on that psychedelic trip to another dimension was because he conjured up a potion for it. He’s unwilling to reveal who hired him or what his cornbread’s secret ingredient is, but he does drop that he thinks Tamsin died.

Bo’s lost her appetite for his bullshit and demands he return their 2005 IKEA POÄNG and clear Kenzi’s debt. He’s open-minded to it, but only if he can trade for a certain herb that just so happens to grow on Lauren’s apartment wall which just so happens to be the address that Massimmo delivered the Morrigan’s replacement eye to last week. What a coinky-dink.

Bo gives in for the opportunity to free her best friend snoop through her ex’s underwear drawer.

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Back on The Real World: New York Subway edition, Lauren’s caught onto the cameras and Crystal’s ready for Her Big Confession.

Crystal’s Gay for Pay and totes just slept with the good doctor to keep her close!!! God Lauren, having your boss amend your job description to include Fucking Women for Espionage Purposes? Gee, that sounds like an ongoing theme for this show!

But Lauren isn’t about to get voted off the show, so it’s time for her to upstage Crystal with Her Even Bigger Confession. Lauren isn’t a waitress named Amber or a doctor named Lauren at all! Karen and her brother were scientists that fell down the slippery slope to scienterrorist when they blew up a pipeline and accidentally took out eleven people with it. 

Fuck me right? I know that we have a busty nymphomaniac with a heart of gold and a hot blonde that can vaporize armies with her eyes, but Lauren Amber Karen’s quickly evolving to be the most complex character on the show. Fuck Season 3 Lauren! Long live Season 4 Karen!

But before Crystal can “reward” Karen as the Kindly Ecoterrorist with Mild Manners and Legs for Days, that disembodied voice tells Karen to look under one of the tarps.

Apparently it isn’t BP trying to make Karen work to repent her sins, it’s the Light Fae! And they want her to heal one of their elders.

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Bo has decided to take the mature approach by berating Kenz for her taste in contraband. She can’t wrap her head around why anyone would be so stupid to pay Massimo to make them sparkle when they should be perfectly fine living their life as the Unaligned Succubus™’s +1. Hey Bo, your fae privilege is showing!

As they’re snooping around Lauren Karen’s trying to figure out which herb the Druid needs, Bo comes across the Doc’s other real true identity.

Bo chugs a bottle of wine to forget Lauren’s indiscretions and/or horrible haircuts.

BO: What is it that makes everyone in my life lie to me? Except for you. That’s why I love you.

Ugh. Please don’t guilt trip me when I’m on a ladder.

Which is of course the Ironic Phrase of the Day we’ve all been waiting for since Kenz sucked face with Bo’s wolf what… three episodes ago? Wait, was it only three episodes ago? Dear God time crawls when you’re watching a show without a coherent storyline. But before they can return to the Dall so Bo can say more telling phrases that’ll make Kenzi’s eyes roll, they realize they’re stuck.

Someone’s using the same type of magic as Trick to keep these fae locked in. And sadly, the remnants of Kenzi’s Glitter Crotch Cream are strong enough to keep her trapped too.

Babysitting adult-sized baby Tamsin is so much more fun than baby-sized baby Tamsin. Or, at least productive? She’s playing word search through the light fae’s police records and discovers that Lauren’s been remotely checking her voicemail from the payphones in a certain region.

Now that child play’s over, Tamsin wants to get to the hard-hitting questions. She wants to figure out what she was like in her old life, if Dyson and Bo were ever a thing and if she’s the prettiest princess in the land. Dyson tells her that she was a powerful monster in her previous life, that he and Bo stopped being a thing once that old lady and her tree took away his manhood and that she is definitely the prettiest princess ever and one day she’ll find the prince(ss) to make her feel that way.

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It’s wet T-shirt vinyl jacket time at Lauren’s, as Bo needs Kenz to rinse off the glittery crotch cream so she can walk through the front door.

But while Kenz is off gathering eye of newt and toe of frog, Bo starts rifling through Lauren’s desk, duh! I keep innocuous receipts in my drawers, but of course Bo comes across a never-gifted present that shows just how much Lauren cared for Bo before she had to dump Bo for being a frigid bitch! Ha haaa!

So 0f course a gargoyle appears when the light goes out. They’re really judgemental, ya know?

But before Bo can determine who’s responsible for fucking with her electricity and/or her meds, Kenzi’s back! She cobbles together an eyeball, a doohickey and a thingamadoodle and bam! The curse or whatever is lifted.

The cameras do a starwipe to Tamsin breaking out of the police station, and then it’s right back to Lauren’s. Kenz start to apologize for the whole fire door thing, but she manages to segue to all of the thieving she’s done to pay Massimo for her fae habit. Before Bo can chastise her for robbing their friend, she switches topics to “us.”

It’s Feelings O’Clock and all of the pain and hurt and guilt — and possible sexual tension — that Kenzi’s been feeling comes spurting out. She’s tired of playing sidekick to someone that isn’t even there to protect her. She just wants to gain some superpowers so she can stop fearing for her life. She just wants to be taken seriously and gain some independence, not be treated as a lesser than or a child. Oh, and she kissed Bo’s bf.

Instead of hearing, “Hey I want to be a better person for you, and sometimes that involves being my own person, or fae in this case.” Bo just hears that Kenz kissed her wolf. Ugh, and it’s high school all over again.

Kenzi starts having that conversation we’ve all had with our straight best friends, where all of a sudden she has a boyfriend and you totally miss her, but the amount you miss her doesn’t really make sense for being “friends.” But in your heart of hearts it’s because you totally felt something more and you thought she did too, so you’re super frustrated that you don’t get the same quality time with her because she’s hanging out with that stupid dude! And you want her back in your life but it’s really really really hard to admit that there’s anything more than platonic between you two, and you obviously can’t ask your friend to choose you over their boyfriend, so all you can really do is complain and hurt without being able to elaborate.

Or wait, was I the only one getting that subtext?

Before I Kenz can embarrass herself anymore, Dyson calls with an Amber Alert on Tamsin. She’s missing and Bo soon realizes that the flamey welcome mat was supposed to keep them quarantined so Massimo could go after the newly born and weakened valkyrie!

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Massimo swings by Chez Ken to pick up Tamsin. And just like a magpie, she totally trusts anyone with a shiny shirt and/or object.

So of course he kidnaps her, tapes her to a chair and gets ready to harvest her hair.

Bo swoops in to save the day and prevent Faeby’s First Scalping, but it looks like Tamsin’s the one that has it under control! Mossimo goes for Tamsin’s throat, then Bo’s throat, until Tamsin evolves yet again to show her true self.

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Before we wrap up the show, let’s finish that Saw crossover. Apparently Lauren’s solved that elder’s health problem with a simple prescription of Stop Eating Your Relatives You Ignorant Cannibal. She goes into Level 9 Sass Mode and lays out how this super simple problem’s solution was self-evident, so someone’s just fucking around with her.

Her guess is Hale, but apparently he ain’t that mean.

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Tamsin goes Carrie on Massimo’s ass, contorting herself into the Harbinger of Death. He didn’t even need to be pelt her with tampons for the upgrade!

But before can murder him with whatever-that-thing-her-face-does-that-kills-people, Bo goes in for a hug to calm the little girl down. Seriously, a hug with Bo(obs) can fix anything.

But that isn’t to say that Bo’s trying to save Massimo. In fact, she just tells Tamsin to take some crayons and hang out in the car with earphones on while mommy and daddy “have a discussion.” He reveals that the kickass angel wings means Tamsin’s on her last life and that all of those gargoyles are working for someone that Bo has pissed off.

But enough chatter, Bo wants to punish him. And apparently all it takes to destroy this druid is to take away the Valkyrie hair. What was once a sleazy car salesman is now a weird, sobbing man child. Emphasis on “man” because Massimo isn’t fae at all!

He says some boring nonsensical things, before Bo tosses the hair into the fire. I can’t tell what’s more disturbing, him jumping into the fire, or calling for his mommy while he does it.

Which leaves Bo with a tell-tale smirk on her face.

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Now it’s story arc wrapping up time! Kenz visits Bo at the gym, where they put all of that sad, gushy embarrassing stuff behind them, and get on with their lives.

Kenz visits Dyson at their place, where she confides in him about all of her uncomfortable human feelings. He vaguely hints that she doesn’t need to be fae to fit in, but doesn’t elaborate beyond that. All he’ll do is help her “when the time’s right.”

But on that heartwarming note, he lost Lauren. Crap.

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Bo walks into the Una Mens chambers, giving a slight nod to their taste in gargoyles and moist heat.

Sounds like she’s been planning out a sassy script for a while, so before the dungeon master can really say anything, she goes into a speech about how she does what she wants and says what she wants because she’s her own person. How very Miley of her.

The dungeon master’s wondering why the fuck she’s there without an appointment. They didn’t call her up because they no longer see her as a problem. More specifically? No longer unaligned.

Bo’s just as surprised as I am to realize her Unaligned Succubus™ sash is revoked. The dungeon master says that she “signed on” to the dark side, leaving Bo with that face you get when you realize you might have drunk-dialed your boss the previous weekend.

Maybe she’ll figure out how to read her phone history in episode 405.

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